Many cliches have become cliches because they’re uncannily true, and one of those cliches is, “There is purpose in your pain.” It’s not some empty, abstract statement designed to console someone who’s grieving. When we truly understand what this means, that purpose shows up in concrete ways, often changing the lives of other people in the process. This is what Paula Foster’s journey has been. She lost her father at a young age, and that pivotal moment shaped the woman she would become in her adult years. Paula holds a lot of titles, but all those simply point to the fact that everywhere she goes, she touches lives in a transformative way. Join this episode as she shares her story and all the wonderful lessons that come with it.

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A Grieving Daughter’s Journey From Pain To Purpose With Paula Foster

Paula, welcome to the widowhood.

How are you doing? 

I am doing well. When you heard widowhood and welcome, what came to your mind when you were hearing those words?

Typically, when you hear widowhood, you think about people who have lost a spouse. It was initially that’s the platform for those who have lost spouses, but it’s not always.

It is not. Thank you. I want to explain the name of it, and I’ve thought about whether I should change it or not, but the legal aspect of where I’m at. I am from Chicago. Hood is community. Hood is family. Hood is my network. I am the widow who lost her husband. Part of that hood is my children who lost a dad. That hood is my siblings who knew my husband for their entire life. They lost what was like an uncle or brother. My friends who we had been couple friends with for years lost their friend as I lost my husband.

No one ever tried to make their grief of Mark bigger than me losing my husband, but it was a loss across our community. That conversation is held from different angles, whether it’s a conversation I’m having with someone who has lost a parent, someone who has lost a sibling, or someone who has lost a child. It’s not just the spouse. Everyone that was connected to that person that is no longer here is part of that hood.

I happen to have the pleasure to be in from the widow’s perspective, but the voice from every angle is necessary. Maybe sometimes people were not married or they didn’t have a significant other. If every angle of that person is not viewed, we never see the totality of them. I had a recording where my son spoke about his dad. It was a different version from me. In November 2024, I hope to have a conversation with my daughter talking about the loss of her dad from a different angle. It is the widow and the hood coming together.

It’s that community. I like that.

I’m going to read your bio before we get into this conversation. Paula Foster is a native of Atlanta, Georgia. As rare as it is to find a Georgia peach, she is also a rare jewel. It’s because of the struggle she faced growing up that she truly feels it has pushed her into the person she is now. Who is that person, you ask? Paula is a mother of three children, a licensed pastor, a domestic violence survivor and advocate, a realtor, an author, a publisher, a life coach who has a Life Coach Certification Academy, a mentor, a speaker, and an event host. She is the Founder of Fostering Destiny Enterprises, which encompasses the many businesses and organizations Paula manages.

Paula has spoken and/or hosted many events and has received testimonies of how she helped change the lives of others. She speaks on her past while encouraging others to not allow their past to determine their present future. Paul is the author of the I AM: 30 Affirmations to Reaffirm Your TRUE SELF!, Finish Strong: 7 Keys to Fulfilling Your Purpose, Becoming the Author Within, and co-author of I AM: Mother’s Edition. She is scheduled to release more in the coming months. Paula enjoys reading, bowling, skating, relaxing, volunteering, and going to concerts. She also enjoys listening to music and spending much-needed time with her family. Life may have dealt her some unfortunate cards but she has learned to play with what she has been dealt. She is a virtuous woman.

I don’t have time to rest. I make time.

I’m glad to hear that.

Rarely, but I do.

When you hear someone reading that, how does that feel? 

I feel like I am that person, a well-accomplished individual. A lot of times, you don’t realize all the different hats that you wear. While you may not wear them at the same time, you’re still doing all of those things. It also makes me remember things that I need to probably kick back into gear because some things did fall by the wayside because of different occurrences in life. It serves two purposes. It helps me to see that I’m not as far away from what I thought I was far away from. At the same time, it helps me see the gaps that need to be filled.

Thank you. When you heard me explain widowhood, that gave you a different perspective about the person we’re going to speak about, which is your dad. It is unfortunately aligned with the same things with my children. They speak about their dad and that loss. What is your memory of your dad?

I have to be honest and say the most memorable thing about my dad was that my dad made me feel like a princess even in the short time that I had him. With him, I could do anything and there was nothing that you could tell anybody any differently. Even though I lost him at an early age, that’s what I always tell people. While I don’t have a lot of memories of him because he wasn’t in the home, that’s one thing that always stood out to me. It was that in some way, somehow, I always felt like Daddy’s princess. 

You said you didn’t have him long. How old were you when your dad transitioned from this world?

According to me and my mom’s calculations, it happened on my eleventh birthday.

That right there is a mouthful. How many years ago was that?

That was many years ago. 

Is it easy to say that? How does that come off the tongue?

It’s easy to say now. I struggled with that for probably the first 10 to 20 years if not 25 years. It has gotten easier and it’s in part to information that I found out probably about 20 or 25 years after his passing. What I was holding in, it was easy for me to let go and be like, “That’s gone.” Once you find out certain information, it’s like, “I love him, but I got to let him go.”

There’s so much to think about right there. You were eleven years old. I say this differently, the way it impacted your life for that 10 to 20 years is different than the way it impacts your life now. Oftentimes, when I’m speaking to people, they’re wondering what their children are going through losing a parent. That may be hard to think about or remember, but if someone came to you and they’re going, “My child’s 13 or 10 and their dad passed,” is there something you can tell me that you recall from your experience, how you felt, and what that looked like that would give me some insight to how their child is feeling?

If I look back on that time and what I didn’t get, I didn’t get a lot of open dialogue from my mom. Once he passed, she poured more into me materialistically, mentally, and emotionally. We talked about it. She felt like she was trying to fill in the gap. She didn’t know how to navigate a new normal for me, so it was like, “I’ll give her everything that she wants.” In all honesty, what I needed was to talk through that and what that looked like because if we don’t and we don’t get the right resources, it leads us down the road that I ended up going down after losing him and not having that male to come in.

I lost him at a very pivotal time in any young girl’s life. We’re talking about eleven years old. I’m a preteen. I’m transitioning into those preteen years or those hormonal years. I’m going from a little girl to a young lady. That was a pivotal time in my life. To not have anyone to fill that gap or step in, you begin to look for love in all the wrong places and look for attention in places. I already didn’t necessarily have him in the home, and then I don’t have him in my life. It was like, “What does this new norm look like for me?”

That makes sense. How would that be done? If a parent is looking, “How do I do that? What do I do differently than giving the material things?” How would you say that would be walked out?

It’s having tough conversations and doing check-ins. I’m an ‘80s baby. I have a mom who was born in 1945. Knowing what I know now, it wasn’t easy for her to give me something that she never got even though she had her father. Her experience with her father, from what I’ve come to learn, was more from a mentally abusive kind. It wasn’t a healthy environment.

While she couldn’t necessarily give me what I may have needed because she didn’t have it herself, if I was talking to a mother who was experiencing that, I would tell them, “Give them that safe place to talk. Understand that every time they have some type of outburst or an attitude, don’t take it personally. The material things are fillers. You have to get to the root of everything. If you have to put them in therapy, put them in therapy.”

As the mother, you may be navigating that road yourself depending on your relationship with your father. Not every relationship is healthy, but you still have to try to navigate that world for you and for that child. At the end of the day, even if you all weren’t close, you still have to put yourself in the shoes of, “Even if I need him, he’s not here anymore. He or she does need him and he’s not here anymore.” It would be trying to find a way to get that child some type of community and getting yourself a community as well so that you all can work through the different aspects that need to be worked out.

Thank you. The idea that my child has a need is something that is a good place to start because whether the relationship with the adults was good or bad, that person’s absence is a different dynamic than this child who has a need. You can look at it like your child needs food and they need water. It’s not dismissive. Do you feel like the people go, “They’re a kid. It’s not going to be that much on them,” and adults are doing their thing?

Not from everybody, but sometimes, it does. A lot of times, they’re like, “They may not remember them anyway.” They do not understand that a void is a void. Even if that parent is alive and the parent is absent, that child still has a void. I have two sons. Their dad was not in the picture. When I was putting them in mentoring, the guy who was the mentor said, “Regardless of whether you bring another male in their life, that’s going to be what they need, they’re still going to have that void from their biological father.” They have that void from a biological father that is living. Imagine that void that they’re going to have from a father that there’s not even a possibility of that father being there.

I feel like no matter how young that child is, learn how to have those conversations at different stages in their lives. That father may not be deceased, but what if that father’s locked up and he’s serving life and has been locked up since that child was 1 or 2 years old? There’s still going to be some type of void. That child may say things that you don’t think they know what they’re saying, which they may or may not, but there’s some truth to it and there’s something that is feeding that emotion. It sometimes may take more work than sometimes as parents we feel we have the capacity to do.

Thank you so much for that. It’s to speak to them at the place that they’re at. The conversation you’re going to have with a 3-year-old is going to be different than the conversation you’re going to have with a 16-year-old, which is going to be different than a conversation you’re having with a 20-year-old about that void.

Being a publisher and a writer, there are so many resources that the parent can say, “I don’t know how to navigate this. This is uncharted territory. I’m dealing with my own situation with this person not being there, but I’ve got to remember that this child is the priority. This is the assignment that I took on when I brought this life into the world and I kept it and started rearing it.” There’s a lot of selflessness that’s involved in trying to do that.

We were raised in areas where they said, “What happens in my house stays in my house. Let’s sweep this under the rug.” The only thing that happens when you sweep it under the rug is you don’t see it. You’re still suppressing it. I have tried to be more communicative with my children. If I’m having a bad day and they call me and want to play but I’m not in the mood to play, I’ll tell them, “I’m not in the mood right now because of A, B, and C. I don’t want to take this out on you.” That teaches them emotional intelligence.

I was dealing with something at work. My son sent me a text message. I didn’t even respond to the text message. When he got in the car, I said, “Do you want to say that to me in person? I might have taken it the wrong way in text.” He was like, “I was going to text you and tell you I wasn’t trying to be smart X, Y, and Z.” They know I’ll be like, “Who are you talking to?” When he told me in person, I said, “Did you ever stop to think about A, B, C, and D? Not only that, I had a bad day at work and I did not want to snap at you. This is another reason why I asked you to explain yourself.” Once we say that, it also causes him to do self-reflection on how he approaches me and how he approaches situations in life.

Grief And Emotional Intelligence

We should learn to have that emotional intelligence and be honest. I’ve heard people say, “I don’t let my kids see me cry. I don’t let them see this. I don’t let them see that.” What are we teaching them? It doesn’t make you a weak parent if your kids see you cry. It opens up a door for communication like, “Mom, what’s going on?” It opens up a moment for you to be vulnerable and say, “This is going on. I’m sorry I can’t be here for you fully right now. If you give me some time, I got you.”

If it comes to a parent that’s dealing with a child that has lost their other parent, maybe you’re all grieving on the same day and you can be each other’s comfort. It could also be letting the child know, “I’m having a rough day because the other parent is not here anymore. I really want to show up for you today but it’s hard.” I know it’s hard for us as parents to be that vulnerable because we’re taught to be strong and, “Don’t ever let your kids see you weak,” X, Y, and Z. It’ll help our children if they see us have those weak moments. We won’t raise children that are super strong but lack emotions, if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense because there’s strength in embracing our emotions. There’s strength in operating in the fullness of what we have available to us. Our children will mimic what they see us do. You make a good point. Oftentimes, when I talk to people who have children, they don’t know what to show their child about their grief experience, if anything, or what is too much.

I’ve talked to different people who may have felt like their children are trying to be this parent who is no longer here and trying to step into that role, which is not their responsibility. I’ve talked to people who have never cried in front of their children. They’ll drop their kids off at school and they’re crying in the car while driving away. They’ll cry in the shower. They’re afraid because this pain is so huge that they’re afraid that it may damage their child.

At the same time, the children will say, “I don’t even know if they even missed them or if it mattered because I never saw anything from them that displayed those types of emotions to equate that to them.” Mark passed in March 2017. It was probably not until October 2017 that I had enough voice to talk to my children. I remember the text thread between the three of us. It was silent because we were so numb. Besides a good morning or something there, there was nothing of any depth where we used to talk and do things because sometimes, you don’t know what to say.

That’s okay because sometimes, you don’t have all the answers. It allows us to say, “As much as I want to have all the answers for you, I don’t know. We’re all grieving. We’re all numb.” It boils down to acknowledging what we’re feeling and what’s going on and being okay that it may go silent for some time. Even with my siblings, we don’t really talk a lot about my father’s passing. They talk more about the bad memories that they have during his time of life. They often ask me, “Why do you have a more positive or a different outlook on Dad?” I have to tell them, “I didn’t have the same experience that you all did.”

We can be raised by the same parents, but they had him in the home more than I did. By the time I came along, my mom and dad had been married and divorced twice. I want to say they were married 2 times, or it might’ve been 3. Either way, I was conceived during the last time that they were married. Within a couple of years, they were divorced, so I didn’t have to experience the things that they saw in the home. It was like, “I don’t have those memories, so why am I going to treat him the way that all of you treat him? I didn’t have the same experience that you all had.”

It’s hard. It’s not easy to do because it also comes with unlearning some of the things that we’ve learned as a culture. I believe one step at a time and one day at a time, we can all do better with this thing called emotional intelligence and grief as well. I’m not saying that it will ever be a situation where you’re not grieving somebody. Every now and then, there are times when I still grieve for my father or I’ll think about him, or I’ll have a memory of him.

My father passed away in his apartment and his roommate found him a week later. Shortly after they found him, my mom’s father passed away. It was almost like a back-to-back type of situation. Right after their funerals, I, an eleven-year-old child, was home on the bed and I opened my eyes and they were both standing at the foot of my bed. I hurried up and blinked a couple of times and they were gone. I rarely slept in the dark after that day. I was like, “Woah.” That let me know that both of them made it to the other side. They were my guardian angels. That’s a lasting memory that I still have of him.

There’s another funny memory that I have, but I will not put that out there. We’ll say my father was an alcoholic. The things that I saw, I don’t think any child should see that at nine years old. It’s quite interesting. We have our good memories and our bad memories but the grief is still the grief. For a long time, I was concerned about how my dad would never get to walk me down the aisle. That’s every girl’s dream. It is for her father to walk her down the aisle. That’s something that I’ll never have.

I’ll never be able to introduce a guy to my father. I didn’t get daddy-daughter dances. Dad wasn’t at graduation. There are a lot of key points that he missed, but what do you do? You keep pushing and you deal with it. There were times when I would be dating guys and I would burst out in tears. They’d be like, “Why are you crying?” I’d be like, “I miss my daddy.” It had nothing to do with them. I had a random grief moment. Sometimes, we would look back on it and laugh, and other times, there was nothing to say. It’s a journey. I won’t say it’s just for us as young ladies, but it’s a journey for any child that loses that parent of any kind at an early age.

Thank you for that. There are so many things I want to circle back to if you allow me. One, family members are going to grieve and have that memory of that person differently. You cannot force somebody to grieve the way you’re grieving for the same family member. All of you have the same father, but it is based on what that experience looked like and the pain that can happen when people try to force somebody to grieve and have their experience the same way that they’re having it.

That is so true. You can’t force it. You have to let them deal with it how they deal with it.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic. I remember we would always spend the first day of the year at my dad’s mother’s house. That was how the whole family would come together. My dad would drink and then get in the car and drive us from 86th Street to 126th. That was the most miserable way to start the new year, being driven home by this man who was so intoxicated. I remember being on the floor in the back of the car praying, screaming, and crying to hopefully get home safely.

I remember one year, it got to the point that I could drive. He was drunk and I pushed him over and drove home. I was like, “I’m tired of starting my new year like this. I’m not doing this anymore.” My dad was a Chicago police officer and over 6’0” tall. That’s how intoxicated he was. I could drive home and be like, “We’re not doing this anymore.”

It is hard because when you’re a functioning person, which means he’s going to work and he’s doing those things, the repercussions of those choices he makes or has made become a part of my existence and my childhood. I can fully relate to that. Let me back up. You mentioned briefly about your faith or your spirituality and how that impacted your life. Can you expand on that some more? 

That’s like a memory. When you say how did it impact my life, is it as a whole or during that time?

Both.

My faith has tremendously grown over the years. At that time when I lost him, I knew of God. I was raised in the church. I tell people often I was raised in the church but I wasn’t raised in the church. What that means is I went to church every Sunday. I was there for bible study and vacation bible school. My mama drove the church van. We picked up people on Sunday mornings. When I say I was there, I was there but I wasn’t there.

I grew up in a Baptist church where about 95% of the church was family. Therefore, I pretty much did what I wanted to do. If I wanted to go to sleep, I went to sleep. If I wanted to hang out in the finance room, I hung out in the finance room. If I wanted to go down to the fellowship hall, I went down to the fellowship hall. It wasn’t until my later years that I really began to establish my relationship with God, but it has always been instilled in me.

I’ve been running from it for quite some time, but to be 11 years old and to see 2 men in white suits at the foot of your bed was a shocker. I was not expecting that. Later, I found out in life that it’s not just me. My sister sees angels. Her children see angels and things like that. It’s something that’s in the bloodline but it was nothing that was necessarily taught or ingrained in us, so we’ve been figuring our way out on this journey of life.

Getting Unstuck

Thank you. You bumped into me in the laundromat and we started sharing our stories. I also had a dad who passed at eleven and he was an alcoholic. I felt stuck. Life screwed me. I blame every situation that goes wrong in my life to that moment at eleven years old. What would you tell me?

The first thing that most people want to say is, “It’s time to get over it,” but I would never tell a person to get over it. I would tell them that they need to work through it and find out why. Why did you get stuck in this place? The more we begin to have that dialogue, it helps us to get unstuck. We oftentimes get stuck in places because of how traumatic it was.

If we bumped into each other in the laundromat and that was the situation, I would tell you that that was a traumatic experience for you and the only way to unpack that is you’re going to have to talk about it and you’re going to have to feel how you feel. You have to work through all the emotions that you have suppressed over the years so that you can begin to see yourself move forward in who you’re called to be. You weren’t called to be stuck in that eleven-year-old girl who lost her father.

We hear this cliche a lot, “There’s purpose in your pain.” I would like to say there was truly purpose in that pain. It’s time for you to not necessarily decide but walk in it because you cannot go through life in pain like this. It’s not healthy. I’m not going to take away from your grief, I’m not going to take away from your loss. I’m not going to do any of that, but I would encourage you to begin to walk that out and try to work through the traumatization of losing your father because it can be, especially depending on how that relationship was, traumatic.

You could be suffering not only from grief but you could be suffering from a different form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Since we have connected, how can I be there to support you as you walk this out, get the healing and the clarity, and begin to put one foot in front of the other, understanding that there may be some setbacks? It’s not going to be pretty, but I’m helping you walk that out so that you can become your best self and not be stuck anymore.

You tell me all of that and I’m hearing what you’re saying. All that sounds like reliving that and it’s too painful. How is that going to help me deal with that in having to relive that again?

It’s because it helps you to release the pain. A lot of times, we suppress pain to the point where I would then begin to have you look at whether you’re lashing out at people because of this or you’re saying this to people because of your grief. I would encourage you to take an introspective look at how your actions are affecting others because you’re suppressing this pain. It’s going to be painful to walk through it, but it’s more painful to your body and to those around you because you won’t deal with the pain. The sooner you can begin to deal with the pain, the easier life may be.

You may never stop grieving your father, and I would never ask you to do that, but for your future health and for those who are around you who need to see your best self or as much as your best self as possible, let’s walk through this. Let’s relive this pain and unpack what you suppressed and what you thought you packed away. It rears its ugly head every day in how you deal with situations.

It’s that part right there. That unresolved matter will show up in so many places. You may not be talking about it or thinking about it, but if you have not dealt with it, it is seeping out in so many different ways that when you go back and look at where things started, the origin of where things started getting messy, it will land you right there often. 

I’ve been there and I’ve done that. That’s why I’ve learned to be more expressive of where I am. When I notice that my behavior is shifting or when I notice that my mindset is not where it should be, I’m saying, “What’s going on? What have I not been able to release that I need to release?” Once I’m able to hone in on that, I will sit and talk to God in my room and be like, “God, I don’t like this. God, I’m feeling this because of this. I need your help to work through this.”

Maybe I’ll journal or find some type of outlet that’s going to help me work through it so that I’m not suppressing that and I’m snappy to people or things like that. Does it always work? No, because there may be something that I’m suppressing that I don’t necessarily realize I’m suppressing until somebody says something. At that moment, I was able to say, “This is what we need to deal with. What’s the action plan? What’s the game plan to work with that emotion or whatever has been suppressed?” Trust me. I understand because sometimes in unpacking that pain, you are reliving that situation. Since the situation is over, you can relive it but you have resolve on the other side. It’s painful but it’s necessary. 

Thank you. You mentioned the term emotional intelligence. Can you expound on that? Some people may have never heard that term or are curious about what that means and why they would even want to have emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is being emotionally aware of where you are and where other people are. It makes you understand others better. When you’re emotionally intelligent, you may see a sixteen-year-old young girl lashing out at her mom, and the mom’s like, “She’s being a bratty teenager.” You may be able to walk up to that mother and say, “She’s not being a bratty teenager. I guarantee you there’s something that she has dealt with that she has not said to you. You may want to talk to your daughter about what’s really going on.”

It makes you more aware of not only your own emotions but other people’s emotions as well. It helps you to navigate life with them or help them navigate life with them and others because you can see a little bit deeper and understand how certain emotions cause people to act out or react to how they respond. I can talk to a person, and sometimes, in their conversation, I can tell you emotionally where they are, and they don’t have to say a word to me. That’s emotional intelligence in a nutshell.

Thank you. You mentioned that you asked God for direction. How does God answer you, or how do you know that that’s coming from Him and you move forward after hearing from Him?

It’s because he’s smarter than me. That’s the best thing that I can tell people. I’m asking for answers and I’ve been racking my brain, and when it finally comes, I’d be like, “Thank you, God. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for that.” I’m over here being super analytical but sometimes, the answer is so simple. You are going to rack your brain and you are mentally exhausted and the answer was right there in your face.

Some people say it’s this small voice. It’s right there when it seems like you’ve been racking your brain and then all of a sudden, the answer appears and you may not have even been thinking about it. I may go and say, “God, I really want to do X, Y, and Z. What am I supposed to do?” I’m making it so much more difficult. He’ll come back and be like, “Do this.” I’ll be like, “I didn’t even think about that.” The Holy Spirit is so much smarter than me, and I’m okay with that. That’s how I know. That answer was simple and it was smarter than what I was coming up with. I was going to take the hard route, but this is the easier route. 

If a person thinks talking to God like God is a serious being and is out there in the idea of, “How do I as a human being communicate with this guy?” What does that look like when you’re trying to tell somebody that?

When we were growing up and we had these imaginary friends, to me, God is almost like having that imaginary friend. We never saw this imaginary friend, but in our minds, they existed. We would talk to this imaginary friend about anything. We would play with this imaginary friend. It seemed like life was so great. That is what I would equate to having a conversation and a relationship with God.

It’s like having that imaginary friend but you get the answers that you need. They may not be immediate. It may not be like you’re sitting here having this conversation and you’re able to respond to me immediately, but you know that you have a place to land where no matter what you’re going through, you can start talking and God is right there. It’s like, “God, I don’t like this. This is not cool,” and then you’ll begin to get this resolve in your spirit. You’ll begin to get direction. You’ll begin to see things in a different light.

It’s like you were looking at it from the most horrible standpoint but then He comes and shows you how even in your worst of times, it is working for your good. You’re like, “I still don’t like it, but thank you. I still don’t like what I’m dealing with, but thank you.” It’s like having that imaginary friend as your best friend that has all the answers. If you go and have that conversation and be open to receiving that answer, you may not get it in that same time span, that same day, or whatever, but know that you’re going to get that answer.

I had so many conversations with God during one season of my life. I would wait from the time I woke up to the time I went back to bed. Some days, I would do nothing but talk to God. I’d say, “God, I don’t understand why they’re doing this. God, this doesn’t make sense to me. God, maybe I’m being too judgmental, but I’m going to tell you how I feel about the situation anyway. If I’m being too judgmental, Lord, let me know.” It was helping me to get things not only off of my chest and out of my head.

He would come back and show me, “Daughter, you’re not being judgmental. You’re seeing what you’re seeing. I understand how you feel, but know that I had to remove them for a reason or I had to put you in this place of isolation. I had to hide you behind the veil. There were certain things that I had to do for your protection.” It depends on the situation, but that’s what I would equate it to. He’s truly a spirit, but the best way that I can correlate it is having that imaginary friend who is always there.

The Place Of Anger

Thank you. What if you meet another person and they’re talking about their dad has died and God took them, and they’re mad at God?

It’s understandable. To be honest, that was my sister. In the time span that we lost our dad, she lost not only her dad but she lost a guy she was dating. She felt like she had lost my brother. The baby’s daddy did die. My father passed away. My brother was not around, so she felt like she had lost my brother. We lost my granddad. She felt like God was taking all the men who meant something to her from her, so she was truly angry with God.

While it’s a hard conversation to have, I have to give them the truth. We all have a set time and date to leave here. Since we do love these individuals because we do get attached to them as we should, it’s devastating when they leave this earth, but we have to understand that God already knew that they were going to be taken from us. Each one of us has a timeline of what He knows we’re going to accomplish while we are here.

I tell them, “Feel how you feel. You can be angry with God. It’s what you do in that anger. God already knew when these events happened in your life that because you didn’t fully understand it or because you didn’t like it, you were going to be mad at Him. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s what you do in that upset that makes the difference. While you’re upset, talk to God about it. Even being mad at Him, be like, “God, I do not like you. I can’t stand that you did this. This hurts.” In your talking to Him, you’re going to get to the actual root of the reason of why you’re feeling.”

It all boils back to pain. Know that even in your pain, God wants to be there to comfort you, but work through it. I’m never going to be so insensitive that all I say is, “God.” I love God, but at the end of the day, you still have human emotions and I want to be able to help you to work through that as well. I’m going to encourage you in the Lord. Hands down I’m going to do that, but I’m also going to bring that human aspect that we tend to stay away from and always give a negative connotation.

I’m going to give you the flesh side of it because we’re in our flesh. It doesn’t mean I’m acting in my flesh, but I want to make that an easy understanding of how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling and, at the same time, knowing that in due time, God heals all. I’ll let you know it’s not going to be easy and that God is not going to disown you because you’re mad at Him.

If we’re going to be honest, Joel was somewhat frustrated with God. When God was taking everything from him, he was frustrated but he never gave up on God. You can be frustrated and angry but don’t give up on him. Be okay asking Him why. I know that a lot of times, we’re taught, “Don’t question God.” You can question Him. How else are you going to get the answers as to what He’s doing? He will give you those answers.

That’s probably in this moment how I would have to help them walk through their anger with God. I wouldn’t dismiss it and tell them, “You shouldn’t be mad at God. He’s omnipresent. He knows what He’s doing.” He does, but at that moment, you need me to come from a different type of angle. I understand what you’re going through. I’m there for you as you’re going through it but also not allowing you to take your eyes off of the bigger picture.

From Pain To Purpose

Thank you. How have you made a purpose out of your pain?

I pour into other people. I don’t like people to feel that void. I don’t like them to feel like all hope is lost. I spend a lot of time encouraging others. I spend a lot of time helping others. I spend a lot of time being there for others because when you lose a parent, you don’t get that. When you lose a parent and then the parent that’s left behind doesn’t know how to show up for you, it causes you to show up for other people the way that you wish someone would’ve shown up for you. I show up for others how I wish somebody would have shown up for me.

Thank you for that. What was the turning point for you to become a life coach?

It was realizing that I was doing the work anyway. I was helping people. I was pouring into people. I was speaking to the youth, particularly probably the 11 to 13 age range. It made sense. Going through different relationships, it was like, “Now I can give you some relationship advice.” Going through my healing, it was like, “Now I can give you some sound relationship advice. It’s not because I’m bitter because it didn’t work out for me.” It is being able to see people and see situations for what it was. It was like, “Why not?” It also goes to show up for others how others didn’t show up for them. It’s in the same alignment.

You mentioned something that I wanted to talk about along with the line of anger and bitterness and the damage that it can do in one’s life. How have you experienced that or other people that you’ve helped? 

I realized when people are bitter, they’re super negative. Deep down, they’re hurt because their life hasn’t worked out the way that they want it to work out. When you’re dealing with bitter people, you got to be like, “I understand where you’re coming from, but have you looked at it from this angle?” They come off as negative. They come off as angry. They come off as, “It’ll never happen for me.” You have to be able to show them.

I try to route everything back to finding the root cause. I wholeheartedly believe if we find the root cause, you’ll be able to start your journey to a better life, a better mental state, and a better emotional state. A lot of times, we don’t want to face the enemy of the inner us. We would much rather tell you, “This is who I am.” I’m sorry. It’s really not who you are. It’s who you become because you haven’t dealt with the enemy of the inner me

If you deal with that, you will see that you really are a loving person. You care about people. You want success. You want to be able to be happy in life, but because of the hand that you’ve been dealt in life, you feel like it’s not going to happen for you. That’s how I made that transition. I do it anyway, so why not put an official title on it, so to speak?

What are some things that you see people doing in this life that make you go, “You did that?”

They want to hold on to the past. They don’t want to let it go, so they become petty and childish instead of maturing up and making better decisions. They’d rather be petty and gossip than become their better selves. You have to take them back to why they’re like that. It’s like, “Why do you feel the need to be petty?” They’re like, “I want to get them before they get me.” It’s like, “Why do you feel the need to gossip?” They’re like, “Somebody told my business.”

There’s always a root cause to why people do what they do. It never ceases to amaze me what people do. I’ll chuckle with them at first because 9 times out of 10, it probably is a little bit hilarious. We all have our petty ways and stuff that we do. After we laughed because that was hilarious and I would’ve never thought to do it that way, you can’t do that. Let’s look at some other ways that you could have handled that and then we begin to work through it that way.

Thank you. What are some things to identify if somebody is or is not ready to be coached?

Excuses is number one. They got an excuse or a rebuttal for everything that you say. You know that they’re not open for change yet. You can pretty much tell in a conversation how open a person is without even asking them if they’re ready to make that change. It can be the simplest of suggestions. If they rebuttal you, they have an answer for everything, especially a negative answer, or they’re like, “I do this because of this,” and they have a reason why they do it versus a reason, they don’t take that accountability. When they lack that accountability, I know they’re not ready to make that change for real.

Thank you. Who is Paula becoming?

Paula is becoming the best version of herself. She is becoming that person who has boundaries now because I didn’t always have boundaries. She is becoming that person who is okay with saying no. She is becoming that person who doesn’t mind telling her truth. If you like it, you like it. If you don’t, you don’t. She’s also becoming the person that God has called her to be.

I’m walking in the totality of what He has called me to be and not running from it. I’m learning that people are going to be people. I’m learning not to expect myself from other people. At the same time, I understand that I must have balance. I can’t let you drain me because if I let you drain me, then I’m no good for anybody else. I’m becoming more bold, more confident, and more secure in who I am. I’m not shying back from those hard conversations, telling my truth, and things like that. 

It’s interesting you asked that question because I’ve paid attention to my growth over the last couple of months to a year. The Paula of this time last year was broken. She was hurt because of some events and she didn’t want to be bothered with nobody. I didn’t care who you were. I didn’t trust anybody because the people that I gave my ultimate trust to, I felt like they betrayed me and abandoned me. Instead of being hurt, I’ll go into my shell because that’s my safe place.

I’m realizing I can’t be in that shell because the more I’m in that shell or that cave, those that God has assigned me to, I’m holding them up. I don’t need that blood on my hand. She is becoming that person who has moved the stone from the cave. I want to say the cave has been blown up, but I keep a piece of it in case. I’m more out of it than I’m in it.

I used to be so deep in that cave that I wasn’t doing it. If I did it once, don’t expect me to do it again. The cave is maybe two miles behind me. It’s still a nice little jog away, but it’s getting further in the distance. I’m growing up. That’s what I’m doing. I’m becoming the mature adult version of Paula. Somebody told me one time, “You’re becoming the Paula that you should have become in your 20s and 30s.”

I don’t know if we have the capacity to be there in our 20s or 30s. We don’t have the knowledge and information span to do that. That’s a tough one.

I got where they were coming from. In my 20s and 30s, I didn’t put my foot down like I do now. Especially when it came to parenting and relationships, I would think it and I would feel it, but because I didn’t like conflict, I would be like, “Whatever.” I was a people pleaser. Now, I’m not trying to please anybody but God. If you like it, you like it. If you don’t, that’s you.

I’m embracing the peculiar Paula. I’m embracing the Paula who is very particular about certain things. I’m embracing the Paula that says, “I don’t like when you do that, so don’t do that.” I’m embracing the Paula who before would go into a meeting with her manager and take whatever they say. Now, I can go into a meeting with you and tell you what you’re doing is wrong. I’d be like, “I understand it’s the politics of Corporate America. Take it how you want to take it. I’m going to tell you the truth and you do what you want to do with it.”

I had a situation where I told my manager, “If all of you are going to nitpick at this and you’re going to overlook my work ethic and overlook the value that I bring to the company because of this minor thing, you might as well let me go because we’re not doing this. I don’t play alone to get along in Corporate America. I don’t even want to be here, but I’m here because I need to pay my bills for now.” The old Paula would’ve never said that. She would’ve taken it, suppressed it, and let it eat away at her. Now, we’re not doing that.

I had my manager tell me that I should do something because the VP would like it. I said, “I’m not here for her to like me because of that. I’m here to do a job. I’m not here for her likes. I didn’t get hired to make her happy. If that’s what it takes to make her happy, she needs to look at herself because I’m happy with me.” The old Paula would’ve been like, “I’ll do it.” I’m not conforming. Sorry, not sorry.

You said you like Paula. Do you love Paula and have you always?

I love Paula now. I have not always loved Paula at all. There were things that I didn’t like about Paula but I wouldn’t say anything. I would suppress it. I’d walk around and be like, “Did I say that right? Are they going to like me after I say this?” I love me some me so much that I tell anybody, “I love me some me that I don’t need your validation. I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty. I don’t need you to tell me I’m smart. I don’t need you to affirm me in life every single day. I’m good.” I’m so content with Paula now. That’s the Paula that I am now.

After losing my father, I was taken advantage of, got pregnant, and had an abortion. I had my first child at eighteen. I found myself in an abusive relationship at about 19 or 20. That made my self-esteem even worse. For a long time, I didn’t even feel I was worthy of being loved properly. Now, if you’re not coming correctly, don’t come at all. I don’t care who you are. That’s even for my children. I have a boundary for my children.

If you get it wrong, I will block you and not think twice about it because you do not get to disturb my peace. You do not get to continue to throw my past up. That’s for anybody. If you want to keep throwing my past up and want to tell me everything I’m doing wrong, I’m good. I love my peace. I know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve taken accountability for it. I’m doing better to improve in those areas.

I can’t change the past. I can’t change what I said an hour ago when this started, but what I can do is show up and say what needs to be said. What I can do is apologize. What I can do is take responsibility. I can’t change the past, but I can do everything to establish a better present and a great future going forward. I’m loving this version of Paula.

If someone is reading this and saying, “I don’t like myself. I don’t love myself. I don’t even know where to start,” what would you tell them? 

For me, it all goes back to taking that introspective look. Let’s start with what you don’t like about you. Once you see what it is that you don’t like about you, let’s find out why. Who said something? Who responded a certain way when you did a certain thing? Who didn’t respond the way that you thought they were going to respond?

A lot of times, we shape ourselves around others. It causes us to appease them. We put ourselves on the backburners. Ultimately, we’re not happy. You have to undo all of that. Mama didn’t give you what you needed. It’s okay. Maybe Mama didn’t know how to give you what you needed. Brother talked about your weight but you went through depression. Maybe you lost somebody and you grieved and this is how you got here. You’re stuck and you have to figure out how to get unstuck. Let’s look at all the different scenarios of how you got here. While we can’t change that, let’s establish a plan to help you undo, unlearn, and relearn who you are and fall in love with who you are, embracing you.

If you don’t like something, speak up, “I don’t like that.” Someone will be like, “I used to always put you in pink as a baby.” You could be like, “I never liked the color pink. I wore it because it seemed to make you happy.” A lot of times as children, we do what makes our parents happy. At some point, we have to realize that as we make them happy or other people happy, we’re making ourselves miserable.

You got to get to know you. This was something that a previous pastor helped me walk through. She said, “You have to figure out what it is that you like about you. Regardless of what anybody else thinks, what do you like about you? You take that on, embrace it, and walk it out.” That’s how I’ve been able to get to this place. I am embracing what I like and not accepting what I don’t like. I’m not saying that there’s never compromise and there are never sacrifices, but it’s a healthy balance of it now whereas before, it was all about other people and making other people happy. Paula deserves to be happy in life as well. That’s what I would give them.

Thank you. I appreciate you giving time to this conversation. When you thought about us speaking, were there any other topics or subjects you thought we would talk about that we didn’t cover? 

No.

Do you have any questions for me? 

No. I don’t have any questions, or not that I can think of. 

I will allow you to close out this conversation to our audience. 

I will close out by saying if you are a fatherless daughter and you haven’t begun the self-journey or you haven’t begun the journey of healing, take that time to begin that healing process. Don’t grieve the memories but grieve Dad. Also, begin to unpack the pain that you’ve been suppressing so that you can truly see that even in your father’s passing, there was still purpose in it for you.

If Dad stood for something and you don’t know how to let his legacy live on, that’s how. What did that dad stand for in the community, the church, or wherever it was? Determine how you can not only help his legacy live on but you can also establish the legacy that is meant for you in his passing because there’s still a legacy to be established and carried out. To all of my fatherless daughters, I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that you always have a supporter in me. You always have someone who understands where you are and will always be here if you ever need me. You are not in this alone.

Thank you so much.

You’re most welcome.

Important Links:

• I AM: 30 Affirmations to Reaffirm Your TRUE SELF!
• Finish Strong: 7 Keys to Fulfilling Your Purpose
• Becoming the Author Within
• I AM: Mother’s Edition
• https://www.Facebook.com/ThePaulaFoster
• https://www.TikTok.com/@CoachPaulaP
• https://Pensight.com/x/FosteringDestinyEnterprises
• The Life And Death Of A Father From A Son’s Perspective With Alexander Fornwald

About Paula Foster

Paula Foster is a native of Atlanta, GA! Just as rare as it is to find a Georgia Peach, she is also a rare jewel. Because of the struggles she faced growing up, she truly feels it pushed her into the person she is today. Who is that person you ask? Paula is a mother to three adult children, a licensed Pastor, domestic violence survivor and advocate, realtor, author, publisher, Life Coach, has a Life Coach Certification Academy, mentor, speaker, and event host! She is the founder of Fostering Destiny Enterprises which encompasses the many businesses and organization Paula manages.