Grief and dating do not exist in opposite poles. There is no hard and fast rule on how long someone should wait to date after being widowed. Grief for a spouse never goes away, and if we treat grief and dating as mutually exclusive, we’re never going to have another chance at creating a wonderful romantic relationship with another human being. But we all deserve a second chance at beautiful love. As she continues sharing her story, Marketta Davis shows us how this is possible without ever once denying that her love and grief for her lost loved one is still with her.
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A Second Chance At Beautiful Love: Navigating Grief And Dating With Marketta Davis
My friend Marketta is here, continuing to share her journey with us. As she ended that last episode, that was the beginning of her being in the widowhood. We are going to pick up and continue sharing where her journey went and where it is now.
You stepped into widowhood, and where do we go from there, Marketta?
Pregnant and lonely. From the time he passed through homegoing celebrations, the funeral, and all the beginning or the ending things, I should say there are tons of people around all the time. People bringing food, consoling, saying helpful things, saying ignorant things. Everyone is around. My neighborhood even started a food train for me. They signed up for different days. I wasn’t mean, but I wasn’t the friendly neighbor. Danny would come home and say, “Mr. Davis, how are you doing?” I’d come home and bolt in the house.
I’m off work, and I’m done peopling for the day. Don’t talk to me. Once this happened, none of that mattered. My community is very diverse, so I got to try so many different things. At this point, I still was so far gone. The base, his unit, had a babysitting train, which is what I could call it. I was never left alone, at least for the first 2 or 3 weeks. One person would come in, stay a designated amount of hours, then another person.
I remember there was a gap one time and no one was there. I flipped all the way out. I wasn’t scared of being in the house where he died. I was scared of being there without him. I called my mom, “No one’s here. They said they’d be here. What do I do?” I’m screaming. She gets a hold of someone in the unit. They were running behind, but that’s all. She finally made it. She brought her daughter. Everyone was so sweet and treaded very lightly for the most part. After all of that dies down, we’re stuck in this alternate reality while everybody else gets to go back to their life.
May I ask, how did this trigger or impact your depression and bipolar and everything else?
Though, as it turns out, the type of wonderful medication that I’m on is not very baby-friendly. I had been off my medication since we started trying to get pregnant in 2014, the whole time. Danny was left to fend for himself when it came to taking care of my ass. It was hard. It was a very hard journey. They offered to put me on baby-safe medications, but I was like, no, there’s already enough risk. I know I’m going to push through this non-medicated.
Danny’s like, “Danny is in the back talking to the doctor, so forgive what she said.”
“We slip a little something into something like.”
“Put it in the peanut butter as you get to the door.”
“Have this biscuit. They’re so yummy.” I’m on nothing but prenatal at this point. It was hard, but here’s the but. I had what my friends dubbed a unicorn pregnancy. No morning sickness. My feet swelled once at eight months. No mood swings. I was barely hungry. I could barely eat. My healthy weight is about 175. I got down to 160 before the baby started growing. All I could eat was salads and potatoes. I had none of the typical symptoms of pregnancy. I wasn’t uncomfortable unless her stingy ass was hungry and she made sure I knew.
The stomach cramps were ridiculous like, “I’m getting food. Can you pipe down?” Other than that and mild heartburn, it was like an outside of the obvious. It was an easy pregnancy physically. I think me not being on medication but having those other happy hormones from the baby floating around. I managed. I had the grief, obviously, but I didn’t have any diagnostic bipolar episodes. It was all the grief.
I managed and it was hard for me to get back on the medication because they wanted to put me back on it when I was breastfeeding and I was worried, but I did it. They’re like, “Now that she’s not in vitro, or in uterine, whatever they call it, it’s safe. You’re fine.” I did it for her because it went downhill fast, postpartum-wise. During the pregnancy, I was okay as far as my diagnosis. That’s the medical part.
Who was there when your daughter was born, and what is her name, if you’re willing to share?
Her legal name or what I call her under my breath?
It’s your episode. Say what you want to say. You called her your stingy ass, so maybe that’s what you’ve been calling her. I don’t know, maybe that’s her name forever.
My husband was very close to his grandmother, and so was I. His grandmother’s name was Lilli and my grandmother’s name was Resa. They had both passed on by this point. We were going to call her Lillian Resa Davis. That’s what we were going to call her. I was going to nickname her Lily Pad.
I saw that coming.
My little Lily Pad. Danny said that was gay. No offense to gay people.
That’s her brother. We all know people who are gay.
My gay brother says that’s gay. I get it from him.
The Joys And Challenges Of Parenting
Thank you. I wanted you to clarify that. I wasn’t sure if we could say that part, boy.
My gay brother says that’s gay. After Danny passed, clearly, that name was not good enough for me. My husband, Danny, and I named our daughter Dani. I combined our grandmother’s names for her middle name, LilliResa. That’s her name, Dani LilliResa Davis.
How is it to say her name, but say his?
I thought it would be a problem. I thought it would be hard for me and for everyone, but she’s such a miracle. Not to say I don’t think about my husband when I say her name, but she’s her own little miracle. It’s not hard to say her name and know that it’s her.
What do you mean by a miracle?
It took us three-plus years to conceive her and I had a miscarriage before her. Not only is she my rainbow baby, but she survived my grief. She is in my eyes like a literal walking, talking miracle.
Did she rescue you in this?
That’s an understatement. There were so many times during my pregnancy the only thing I prayed for was for God to take me and her away so we could be with Danny. I remember I got into a one-near accident. It would have been bad. I wasn’t shaken. I was like, “Missed opportunity.” It was that thing.
I want to say this. I don’t know anyone whose spouse is no longer here, had a sense of not wanting to be here. There’s a difference between actively having the tendencies or taking action to remove yourself, but the idea of existing in this world without them seems unbearable. It seems incomprehensible. The idea of thinking, I wish I didn’t have to endure this pain and go through this in their absence, is such a common thought.
People may not talk about it because you feel like taking yourself out when you talk to somebody who’s not on this journey. Totally different scenario. Most people, not that some don’t, but most people are not actively trying to remove themselves. It’s a concept of existing apart from them that seems like, “I don’t know what you want from me, like the world. You want too much.”
I want to clarify for me, that is absolutely the case. However, you asked me if Dani, my daughter, is the one who I call Dani girl when I’m talking about both of them, so we know the difference. You asked me if Dani girl rescued me. I feel the way that you described it then, but if it wasn’t for her, I know for a fact that I would have actively allowed myself, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I already knew, sleeping pill, with wrists, something where I could peacefully go because I couldn’t. She saved my life. Literally, she saved my life. One day, I’ll tell her the story because that’s a lot put on somebody.
How old is she now and what is parenting like?
Let me first say that breaking generational curses is hard.
What does that mean?
I’m sure that our African-American viewers can relate to, especially our age and older, the type of.
I’m talking about your age or older because, remember, I’m like your mama’s age.
That’s what I’m saying. My age and older. You look my age, Venetia. Don’t age yourself.
I am not your mama’s age.
I wasn’t going to say it. Own it. Parenting for us in the Black community was a little bit different than it is now. Physical discipline was what it was. That’s how they were raised, so that’s how they raised us. I wanted to try something different. Millennials are now coming out and talking about their trauma. That’s what our therapists are labeling it. I will say there are some things because of the way we were raised and the discipline that we received, stuck with us. There are parts of us that were damaged and it wasn’t talked about as much back then because physical discipline was the norm. I’m not blaming my mother at all. She did what she knew and she worked with what she had. When better, you do better and now I know better.
When you know better, you do better. Share on XOld people are very helpful with potty training.
The Beauty Of Community
Listen, thank you. Bill me. Can you do that?
I want to say this sometimes because so we’re going to have a little bit of fun. I’m there visiting and we’re like, “We need to potty train, Dani.” I’m like, “This is what you need to do.” You’re like, “That’s so harsh. I don’t know if I want to do that.” Then I get a phone call. You’re like, “What am I supposed to do?” I’m like, “I guess I’m going to start using your mom’s term. I guess you’re not tired.”
If that doesn’t fit right now.
When you got tired enough, you said, “Hold on, what’d you say to do?” Talk about the part where I told you to put her in the tub to clean.
Listen, my dear friend Tina, gentle parenting what? “This is what you need to do and it’ll fix it, okay? You put the gentle parenting on hold. For a second, in this area. When she starts messing with herself, she did it. She should clean it. You throw her a little behind in that bathtub and you make her clean the mess. We’ll see how long she keeps doing it.” You know what I did? I put her a little behind in the bathtub and made her clean herself to see how long she had done it. In a week or so, she had it. She thought it was disgusting.
That was the best gentle parenting advice I could come up with. I thought that was covering all the things. I was like, “I know you want to stay true to the gentle parenting. Let me give a scenario that fits that.”
It’s like you met me in the middle. I was like, “She’s my baby. I cannot.” When I got tired enough, and that was a wake-up call for her, she was like, “I clean myself.”
I wish I could see her face. If she was like, “I’m going to make this happen.”
Like mom, “No, that’s not how this works.” I have her in the bathtub and I’m waiting. I said, “How does it feel?” It took about a week and moose sailing, an accident here or there, sometimes during the nighttime or whatnot. Let me tell you, my dear friend Tina, it worked. I was tired enough for it to work. Honestly, if you want to be real about it, that was gentle parenting. I didn’t physically discipline her. I talked to her and I explained the thing. Old school and new school mixed up equals no more shit in your pants.
We kept trying every hour and doing everything else, and then she was holding it. She was doing all that. I was like, “We are going to give her some of this work. When she had to get up in there, the game changed.” We had all this stuff.
I was tired enough. Bill me.
Also, community, what would you say to someone who is isolated in their grief? I was doing a TikTok live earlier today. I was juicing, which I haven’t told you I started doing. I made some juice. One was pineapple and ginger and the other was red and orange beads, carrots, and apple. The conversation was about starting your morning without your spouse or having a lack of community. One of the things I find that happens when you’re grieving. It is extremely difficult to do things by yourself that you did with your spouse.
That’s anything. I’m talking about going to the grocery store that you used to go to. I’m talking about getting in the car without them. I’m talking about getting in bed without them. Somebody is going through all of that, and they don’t have a community. In this regard, I’m going to say they don’t have a community of somebody else that is a wood-o-wood, and they are doing it in isolation. What would you say to them about the difference between having a community of people and not? I want to say that the person who introduced me to you and myself was probably the gateway to you opening up or am I wrong?
You guys definitely, the damn broke.
You can see what it looked like before and after. What would you say to the difference of that?
Invaluable. I find that most times, I have more support from people I have not even met in person. As long as they’re part of this widowhood community, we understand one another. It’s been amazing. The club sucks. The members, though, hot fire. I’m there. Top nine. It’s like top-tier. I will say something my husband used to tell me, especially when I was in a dark, deep episode.
Sometimes, these episodes could last from one week to a month, completely zoned out in the dark, literally and metaphorically. He would say, Ketta, you can visit the dark place, but you cannot stay there. That carries over to my grief. I would tell others when you’re thinking about community and going it alone. Even when you have that community, sometimes you fall back into the dark place where you’re isolated. It’s okay to visit it, but you cannot stay.
How do you prevent yourself from staying? What do you set up? How do you make that happen?
For me personally, it’s my daughter. She won’t let me stay, but outside of that, Danny wouldn’t want me to stay. He would want me to get up and try to keep living. It sounds so cliche, but it does.
You’re living off of his love and not of the moment of his death.
That part. I tell a lot of widowers and widows, I meet that grief is hard, but take it as a sign that love existed. Own it because if you didn’t love the person, who would give a shit? I mean, you wouldn’t be grieving them so hard, but that grief is proof that love was there and love is still there. You don’t move on. I hate that phrase. “You got to move on. You’ll move on.” Moving on signifies you are ending something and starting something new, leaving that part behind. We don’t move on. We move forward.
We don’t forget what we had. This is a part of us, this person, and the experiences we went through with them. That’s part of who we are. It’s part of our makeup. We don’t move on from that. Grief is not something you’re like, “I conquered that. Time to move on.” No. You pick up this grief, this love, this proof of love and you move forward with it. This is in a new job, a new love, a new child, a new location. It goes with you, it follows you for the rest of your life. You don’t move on from it. You pick it up.
Then if you move to a different location, you put it in your little grief suitcase because why would you want to leave it behind? It’s love. Grief is the price of love. You honor that person and the love that you had by owning it. You don’t become the grief. It’s a part of you. You pick it up and you own it saying, “I love this person. I always loved this person.” That’s why I’m grieving and I’m sad and I get upset and I get angry, but you carry it with you and you learn to live beside it. You learn to live with it. I have found that fighting it makes it worse.
Girl, we’ll hunt you down. You are over there trying to dodge, and it’s like, “I’m right here, going and do that.” I mean, keep trying to visit, try to travel, try to do all that stuff. When you come home and sit here, the males are here, and so am I. I’m going to share something Coach Britt shared with me as far as how not to get stuck in the darkness. She said to give yourself 24-hour periods. What’s that 24-hour period? Every four hours, check in with yourself.
If you wake up at 8:00 AM and you barely got out to go pee, like that’s all you did. You crawled back into bed, and you lamented. Then, in four hours, you checked with yourself and said, “What are we doing now? What can we do?” Sometimes when you’re in that dark space, time erodes and you don’t have a concept of how much time has gone by. You go spend 4 hours, it’s been 8 hours. Within 24 hours, say, “In 24 hours, I’m going to do X, Y, Z. Maybe it’s take a shower because I know I did not shower for quite a while. Maybe I’m going to go out and pick up food versus have it delivered.”
In 24 hours, give yourself a mal marker of something you’re going to do to come out of that space. You may stay out for 24 hours, you may go back in, but you may go out longer for the next 24 hours to 48 hours. It is important to be able to have someplace where I don’t get stuck there. Another thing you mentioned, I think people only equate grieving to being sad. Grieving can be while we’re happy, too. Grieving can be in the joyous moments where there becomes a point where, for me, Mark’s death was bigger than everything. It became a point where I couldn’t remember the happy times.
I couldn’t remember the joyous moments. All I remember was my experience of him on that table and his death, but there became a point that was a place I visited those memories, but it became more of all the wonderful memories we had. When we’re able to get to that space to be able to remember that bigger than that moment of him no longer being here, I think grief changes the way we manage it. The tricky part of that is when people see us, they think, “She’s done with that now.” If you say, “Baby, I am never done with that. It’s how I live in a different way.” Now you mentioned something about new love because I know everybody wants to know she is young. What does that mean?
Let me tell you, I had no intention of dating. When my therapist, the first time she mentioned it, she almost got fired. I was like, “No, my dead husband’s insurance is not paying you to cancel me on a potential new love. We can move on to the next subject or I can move on to the next therapist.” I met someone who was also a widower of sorts. He and his wife had divorced but were trying to reconcile when she passed.
That’s what you mean, widows of sorts. I was like, “Hold on, okay.”
We weren’t the same type of widow. I put it that way. They’re that everybody grieves differently and everybody’s journey is different. His journey was different.
Everybody grieves differently, and everybody's journey is different. Share on XDid you have this concept because he was a widower?
Absolutely.
What was I going to say? Did you say absolutely? No, you thought he was going to see it the same way you saw it.
I have learned from so many other widows and widowers, that because someone else is widowed does not mean you all have the same journey. It does not. It doesn’t mean that they’ll understand your grief. Sometimes, they’ll be widowed as well, but don’t understand why they’re jealous of your dead person. It’s not always.
They’re the same person they were before there, I should say that. We have some of those same basic characteristics. Case in point, if I was a liar before Mark died, I’m probably still going to be a liar. If I was feeling or if I was compassionate, some of those characteristics remain the same, but we do have a tendency to let our guard down when we hear somebody is a widow and think that we’re all doing this alike, but then we have to find out the character of a person. I will also say this, there are a lot of things about me that, from the experience of Mark’s death, I am not the same that I showed up before.
That’s totally true.
Life is more precious. It’s fragile. I’m aware of that. When somebody says, “We don’t have tomorrow.”
“ Really? Let me tell you about that.”
Everybody is not the same and everybody doesn’t see it the same. You dated Mr. Widower, or is she mister, and that didn’t go well.
We tried. As I said, I’m a serial monogamous. Even after my husband passed, I did not change. I was like, this is a one-and-done. Like if this doesn’t work, maybe outside dating women, maybe it’ll be different that way.
A Second Chance At Beautiful Love
For real, I hear a lot of women say, like, “I’m going to go.” That is a common thread. Let me ask you. When you dated Mr. Widower guy, how long was that after Danny transitioned from this world?
I think it was either 2 or 3 years. It was not right away by any means, but I had met this person when I was 20 weeks pregnant. That’s when we first met. There was a break in between when my pregnancy and I went to New York for a while, and my family stayed for an extended period where we did not speak. Our paths crossed again and things blossomed, but once we got serious, my husband set the bar pretty high, especially after my bad relationships in college. I tried to upgrade this man. I tried to be like, “Listen, do you want to be the best? I can help you. I know what the best looks like. I need the best. If you’re a one-and-done, we need to make you the best.”
That was wrong of me. That was wrong on so many levels. I had trouble accepting the fact that we weren’t a good match because I’m not about that dating scene. I wanted another fairy tale if it was going to happen. Like, “I met this guy right then, the first guy after my husband passed and we fell madly in love. It was then I knew that you could have a second chance at a beautiful love.” No, I met this man after my husband passed. It didn’t work because he was a penis head.
I think that word would have sounded better. That sounded more gross.
It did, didn’t it? He was a dick head, you guys. I’m sorry. It’s not that he was a boy.
The dating pool was trash.
No, the dating pool was a piss pool, is what it was.
Let me talk about a couple of things you said. You said that Danny set the bar. How does one date and know what they want and not compare them to their deceased husband? How does anybody win that game? How does one dating navigate that?
I cannot speak for anyone else’s experience other than my own. I will say that you cannot get around comparing. You cannot, but because you compare doesn’t mean you have to turn that person into your deceased spouse. It doesn’t mean you have to make your new person feel bad about the things that they are different. It simply means for me, they literally are comparisons like, “My husband used to do that. My husband had your same opinion.” It comes up naturally. You spent an entire lifetime with this person. It’s going to happen, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk about it. That’s why I found it much more easy to date someone who was also a widower. A real widower. You know what I mean.
Was there a widower after Mr. Widower?
Yes. I decided that I would release my inner demons on TikTok.
Let’s talk about that. What does that look like? You’re on TikTok? Where can we find you? What is your handle on TikTok? How does your release look? What does that look like?
I welcome you to visit my TikTok page. My name is Literal Black Widow. It should not be hard for you to forget that because that’s what I am. I’m literally a black widow. It was fate that that name wasn’t taken. Be warned, if you don’t mind having your space in heaven occasionally pushed back, then please don’t treat it wrong. You are going to fight for your life. That’s what happens sometimes. I am all about dark humor. I don’t like being vulnerable all the time. It makes me uncomfortable. The way I deal with that is through dark humor. I do have content on my page where I’m being real and raw. I cry. I scream. I show you what’s going on.
She takes it down within an hour.
I only did that once. For the most part, I’d like to consider my page a reprieve, a place where you can take a quick break.
People like me.
I wasn’t going to say it.
The Art Of Coping
It is, it’s like, “You go.” You’re like, “Okay, team.” It’s still all relevant, but I think I have dipped my toe into dark humor, and I have done well. I’ve been taught well.
So proud of you. That’s how I cope. My therapist, to be honest, she worries about that sometimes. She wants to make sure that I’m not masking my grief so that I’m dealing with it and I’m facing it and I’m working through it. It’s okay to have dark humor on top of that, and I feel like that’s important. I don’t want anybody to think that my content means I’m not grieving in any traditional way, especially being in a new relationship. I definitely don’t want people to think that I don’t still grieve. I still have moments where I break down.
My husband passed on July 17th. Memorial Day marks the sucky summer of how I became a widow. My miscarriage, his passing and all of that. His birthday, our anniversary. I still go through those sad, unbelievable, unbearable, paralyzing moments. I always will. Once you accept that, it’s like this weight lifted because it’s going to happen. My therapist described it as the tide. She said the tide always comes in and out. That big grief tide, sometimes it’ll be high, but then it’ll pass and it’ll go back out.
The longer you stay on this journey, unfortunately, you can sometimes tell when the tide is about to roll in, the anniversaries, the holidays, the birthdays. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got that ambush grief that gets you if you run across a birthday card or hear a song on the radio, that happens but you learn to cope with your grief in the way you need to when you see that tide rolling in. Another good way she described it is your life is a box. It’s easier when you see it drawn out, but your life is a box and grief is like a little circle on the inside.
Sometimes that circle is so big, it covers the entire box, but the corners, and you can hardly move. It’s all-consuming, it’s paralyzing, but you still have a little space in the box. Sometimes it’s like a little marble where you’re going through your day-to-day and the grief still exists. It’s going to exist, but it’s small at that time. However, that ball inside that box of your life, that is grief, is always going to exist. Sometimes, it’s bigger than other times. You learn to manage it in whatever way you need to. For me, it’s dark humor. As I said, my husband and I, we were dark. We were always dark beforehand. That’s why we were best friends and we went together so well. I know that if I had to be grieving, he would want me to do it this way.
I have a favorite video of all your videos. When you look at and like, “Not the favorite views,” but the one that likes, “Is there one or two you go that, I love that one.” It’s funny to be hyped about it, but we do. I’m going to tell you, the amount of time that Marquita spends editing and lining up the music and the words. I’m exhausted. I’m like, “Just post the thing. I cannot take it anymore.” Like I cannot, but it is pristine when she does it. She puts her whole heart and soul into it. You have to have 1 or 2. There’s like your favorite that came out and lined up the way you wanted. Not views, but your satisfaction.
Listen, if I got views for how many times I went back and watched my own stuff, it would be unfair because I am proud of it. Sometimes, I need to laugh, too. I go back and I’m like, “Why did you do that?” I liked my first one a lot. My very first video, I was a content stalker for the longest time on TikTok. I had no content. My therapist being a journalist, wanted me to write and I wasn’t ready. I thought TikTok could be a good place for me to start getting my feelings out. It was a good medium and everybody was into it. It was hip. I watched for a little while.
Then I went out to the cemetery, which I think was Veterans Day. At the time I told you I was babysat even after my baby was born. My brother had been living with me for a year. We were out at the cemetery, and he said, “You should do a TikTok video out here.” He was joking and I was like, “I’m dressed up I got my nice, pretty dress on and my wig, why not?” I did and I’m sitting there with him behind me, his headstone and you only see me at first and I say, “Guys, I’m out here having lunch with my husband. How was lunch, honey?” Then I pan over to his headstone and then you pan back over to me and I’m like and then the camera cut. That was my very first video. I looked like, once I made that, I was like, “I can do this.”
You met somebody on TikTok. How’d that go and how’s that going?
It was one of the two of the very first videos I posted because I had to give people background information. Two of my local news channels here in Tampa, Fox and ABC caught wind of my story. Facebook was not my main platform throughout my pregnancy. Shortly after Dani girl was born, I was looking for someone to do a maternity shoot with, but it was a very special attorney shoot because I wanted Danny to be included. I put a call out on Facebook. I found someone, my photographer, and she was able to place Danny, like a blurred-out ghost-looking version, into my maternity photos.
It was stunning. It was beautiful. The news station saw it on Facebook and did news stories on me, a news segment. I put those segments on my TikTok channel, one of them, I believe. A fellow widower found that segment. One of the things that stuck out to him was when I said I never knew a love like Danny and I existed. I didn’t. I truly had the best friend, the husband, the teammate, the partner. it sounds cliche, but when I tell you, it’s possible that he was literally my best friend. He could roast me one moment and then turn around and throw me up on that kitchen island. I had the whole package.
Before him, I didn’t know. I didn’t know you could truly have that. That stuck with this widower because he felt the same way about his wife, who had passed from cancer. She beat it the first time, like whooped its ass. When she was re-diagnosed, he thought the same thing was going to happen and unfortunately, it didn’t but they had the same type of marriage Danny and I had. He started watching my content and then a little while, he actually commented. I saw him commented and I commented back. I was like, “I’m a journalist. I want to know who are these people.” I go and I stalk his page and I tell him this story.
There’s a photo of him and his wife. Obviously, that’s his profile pic. I look on his page and I see him. I’m going to show you. I’m going to reenact what’s going on. I’ve got my mouse and I’m looking quick. I’m like, “Wait, he’s a widow. That sucks. Being a widower sucks.” In my mind, I’m like, “You look delicious and you treated your wife like a queen? What and you’re a man.” Even though I’m like pissed at God, even to this day sometimes, and you’re a man of God? Comments on my page again. Keep doing it. I sent him a DM. I jumped in his DMs. Thank you so much for your support and commenting and, “Wait, dammit. I’m sorry about your wife,” which I am. I’m like, “That sucks. I know all about sucks and I’m sorry.” He word vomits.
He texts like he’s talking. Like, “When I get texts from him, I have to have enough time to read it.” I’m like, “I cannot skim through a couple of words.” I’m like, “When a text comes through, I’m going to have to come back to it because I know I need to respond in kind. You cannot respond, ‘Okay.’”
I would ask a question, go to the bathroom, and come back and there would be a novel. Was that in mind?
I’m about to say because it’s good to have a guy that can communicate versus.
Yes.
Yes, no. Okay.
Just like you said, “I had to. Let me go eat a meal right quick.” I wanted to concentrate. I wanted to be able to concentrate on the things he was telling me. He was confiding, and before I knew it, we were in each other’s DMs for hours at a time.
Have you all met in person, or was it a virtual thing?
At this point, it was virtual, and I was visiting my brother and his husband up north in New York around Christmas. When we discovered that he lived so close, he was like, “We should meet up. I’m like, “Oh.” Obviously, through all this time we had been talking, we talked about where we stood on relationships, what being widowed, and how we looked. He told me from jump that he would never, ever ever be in another relationship ever again. He said that. He said, “I will never.” I was like, “Okay.”
This time I was like, “Anyway, what are you doing tomorrow?” Like I took it with this small grain of salt. If you say so, we haven’t met yet. He’s like, “Maybe we should meet up.” In my mind, I’m like, “I’m like, okay, if you want to.” It’s a two-hour drive from where he lives in New Jersey to meet me in New York. We made it happen. We met. I later found out he said that he would be willing to drive to give me a hug if we couldn’t meet, turn back around, and go home. I was like, “Mr. I will never ever.”
I’m going to leave it there. I can say this. You guys can check out her TikTok. They talk, they share. They’ve come out publicly, and so has their relationship. This has been a long conversation. I want to ask you to speak to someone who is a widow and feels like life is over, that they will never be happy again.
To be quite honest, sometimes, even now, I feel like I will never reach the happiness that I have. To that widow or widower who feels that way, I say, “If you feel that way, that’s okay. Feel that way. Don’t fight anything that your grief is bringing you. try to make it a day at a time.” That’s cliche, but there are some times when you feel like you’re not going to make it to the next minute. You don’t always have time to think about whether you’ll be happy next week or next month, or whether you’ll be sad for the rest of your life.
Don't fight anything that your grief is bringing you. Just try to make it a day at a time. Share on XYou’re trying to make it to the next, through the next 60 seconds. Before you know it, you make it through the next 120 seconds, the next hour, the next day and you keep going. One day, you look up and you laugh at a joke and then you’ve showered. You’ve gone outside and then you’re talking to people. I tried not to focus on so far in the future. I tried and my therapist also was like, “You need to stay present.” The future is scary and terrifying, especially now. I worry about my mortality constantly. It’s frightening.
I live alone with my toddler. I wonder what happens if I die in my sleep. She won’t know what to do. That’s why my therapist grounds me in the present. I say to our fellow widowers and widowers, if you feel like you’re never going to be happy ever again, it’s okay to feel that way. The future is scary. try to make it through the next day and see what happens. Obviously, we know nothing is promised to us. We don’t know what the hell is going to happen. We didn’t know our spouse was going to die. How do we know that one day we cannot be happy again? You don’t know, so don’t worry about it. try to get it tomorrow.
That is fair. Thank you for that. When you thought about having this conversation, was there something particularly you wanted to cover or talk about that we maybe didn’t discuss that you’d like to bring up?
I think you’re good at this. That’s why you do it. You drew out everything that I wanted to say out of me. make it.
Any questions for me?
You’re not going to bill me for the potty training, are you? That’s it. I don’t know, when are you coming back here?
I knew that was coming. I was like, “I’m over it.” Probably next year, I know. Since you brought up visits, what was it like when I came to visit you and your family and everything else? Let’s talk about that.
Hell, I knew I was going to get murdered. I had never met you in my life. Even when we met in DC.
We were about to talk about that. I’m coming to DC to visit one of my friends and you go, “What are you doing?” I’m saying, “What am I doing?” I’m like, “I’ll talk to you later because I’m being DC.” You’re like, “What? Wait, no way.” Literally where my girlfriend lived was within walking distance from where your brother lived. I go, “I’ll come visit you and your brother’s going to my place. What are we doing?”
I don’t need to be a part of your craziness. One person dying is enough.
We literally met on TikTok from the person you’re now dating. We were literally mutual friends. I was already married at that point, but starting to support people. Have you met him in person yet?
No, because that was one of the gripes.
I met you before he did in person. What did you think about? Were you hesitant? What were your thoughts?
I was excited.
I was, too.
I was very excited. I was like, “I’m going to meet another widow in person and it’s not at my house so she cannot kill me and leave me to die.
Another literal black widow.
How weird would that be? Does the black widow get killed? That’s some shit. I was excited. I was.
She crept up on me and scared me as I was standing there, thinking she was coming.
I was on the phone. We were on the phone. I was like, “Where are you? I don’t see you.” It was perfect. It was.
Then we hung out for a whole week and that was cool.
In DC, then that’s when we planned the Tampa trip.
It was like, “We’re going to do this.” I was like, “We have to do it,” because at this point, we did the video there in the hotel lobby.
That was our stepbrother’s video.
Yes, and then it was like, “We have to do part two to this.” That was great.
That was the cemetery video.
Yes, that was good. The buildup to that, the getting ready, you came up. There is laughter to be had with the tears. I’m going to say this, and I’m going to let you close out this conversation. No, you probably don’t need to meet everybody you meet on the internet. Let’s be very clear about that. You need people to know their real names, their addresses, spend time getting to know somebody, and talk to them on Snapchat or something else. Don’t give everybody your phone number.
Let me not give you this false sense of impression that I connect in meeting first with everybody met on the internet. That is not cool, but like anything else in life, using caution and preparing yourself to identify is about praying and seeking this out and getting to know this person authentically. There will be some people you get to connect with.
Case in point, on the first Saturday of December, we have an event called Surviving The Winter Holidays. That is an excellent way to come to the area where I’m in Norfolk and meet people that you may have connected with on social media in a safe public space. Like you said, not in your house, not doing this other different stuff, but relationships can be real with people you meet online given the right discretion. I am totally glad that we are for real friends. There are other people I met when I was down there. We connected with another widow whom I knew I met on Instagram.
You have since met somebody else in person that I’m using TikTok, that people are going through something and something substantial can grow from what has been the most horrific moments of our life if we live on their love, which is something Rachel that was at the dinner had said that she has learned to live on her husband’s love. I encourage people to find a way to do that. I will let you give closing remarks to the conversation.
I thought I was going to be alone and miserable my whole life, the rest of my life. After my husband passed. I surely didn’t think I’d meet anybody that completely understood. It’s like I had this false pretense that I was the only real widow in the world. No one else understood, but when I found my community, it’s like I told you, the club sucks, loyally, but the members do feel like my family. This is across race, ethnicity, across the board and knowing there are people out there who understand how I feel.
Let me clarify because when you think of a widow or a widower, seriously, you think of someone in their 80s or 70s who has lived their life already. It’s a natural part of life. You die at 90 or whatever. Even those widows and widowers have a hard time. It’s across the board. Knowing that I can jump on a platform or call you or set up a meeting with someone who understands me, it’s comforting. It’s such a comforting thing. People want to tell you they’re there for you and they understand and they’re trying to be genuine.
Nice try. I appreciate you trying, but our community is stronger than I ever thought it could be. There is laughter to be had, friendships to be made, new narratives to be written, and I’m grateful for that. I’m not so far gone that I cannot recognize my blessings and our widowhood community is one of them. The last thing I’ll say, to clarify, because I know he’s going to watch this. I’m not sure that you and I met first. Didn’t we call him when he was in Israel?
I was there on the phone when he called you. Did you all meet before or after Israel?
I don’t know. I should know. He’s going to be very upset. I think it was before Israel. We met before Israel. I’m very excited.
I’m not scared about being in trouble. When we met, we were in the hotel and he called from Israel and I answered your phone. I think he was mad that I met you before I met him. That’s what he was mad about.
Met where? It couldn’t have been more interesting.
No. He was mad that he introduced us together, but I met you before meeting him in person. You had met him in person first, but the fact that I met you in person before meeting him in person.
Him in person, yes. Thank you. We had to clarify that. Sorry, honey.
You needed help with that, but okay.
I did. Thank you. Bill me again.
I won’t say meeting me was more monumental than meeting her. Now for your closing comment.
Thank you for being there. You are the one that showed me there was more than my pain. You’re the one that did that. That week of you staying at my house was literally as therapeutic as when I checked myself into that mental hospital. It was. It was life-changing. I still remember that breakdown out of nowhere and you held me in the kitchen for what seemed like forever. I could feel the grief rising and then it fell off of me. You did that. I owe some of my ability to help other widows and widowers to you. It is paying it forward. It is. Thank you and I love you and thank you for not murdering me in my home.
I love you, see you.
