Losing a loved one so suddenly after a vicious accident is truly heartbreaking. They do not simply leave your life, but they do so without warning. Todd Lingel faced this same situation when he lost his mother and sister in a road crash. In this episode, he shares how he started Kares Foundation to honor their memories by guiding teens and young adults in dealing with grief and loss. Todd breaks down his goals for further helping the youth, from providing college scholarships to hosting summer camps. He also talks about the bitter reality of getting mad at God after a loved one transitions, as well as how to face and calm down your upset heart and mind.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others. 

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide.

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Watch the episode here

Listen to the episode here

Coping With Grief After An Accident With Todd Lingel

Todd, welcome to the Widowhood. 

Thank you very much, I appreciate it. 

Thank you for being here. I’d like to read some of your bio information before we get started, is that okay? 

Definitely. 

My name is Todd. I am the founder and director of the Kares Foundation. I grew up in a small community in Idaho where I learned the value of communication and the meaning of integrity. My mother and sister were killed when I was young, which has led me through life with a passion for helping others. This has led me to start the Kares Foundation, which is built on communication, trust, integrity, and helping others. 

Our key focus is to teach our teens and young adults to make better decisions to prevent unnecessary accidents and death in the future due to peer pressure, drinking, driving, and social media. The big key for me is to help those at risk make a good educated decision about their future. I tell them that it is okay to make mistakes because that’s how we learn, but I want to keep those mistakes to the ones we learn from, not the ones that last a lifetime, i.e. felonies. Here are a few goals we have. 

1) Help save lives by speaking to as many kids and adults as possible. 2) Provide college scholarships to kids who have been directly affected by drunk driving, drug use, etc. 3) Host a summer camp for kids, which includes counseling and having fun being kids. 4) The big goal that we are researching and raising funds for is to open a treatment facility or sober living for teens and young adults. KS. What does KS stand for, Todd? 

That’s another part of the logo. We have the K and the S of the Kares. It’s around the logo. 

Looking Back

Kares, that word has some more meaning. Would you like to elaborate on that?

It does have meaning. I always knew that I wanted it to be named Kares Foundation. I’ve spoken off probably for twenty years to kids that were part of a youth group or whatever would ask me to go to, their driver’s training class or something like that and speak. When I started this, I wanted to start speaking in a church that I grew up that my dad and stepmom were going to. People there knew my mom when she was alive. They’re elderly now. I talked to the minister and it was crazy that I don’t remember how exactly it came up. 

I think my dad was involved as well. We figured out that his wife’s grandmother was the first responder to my mom’s wreck. It was crazy. At first, I was skeptical. I was three years old. It was 1975. It was June 14th, 1975 when they were killed. The first question was, “Is she alive?” They’re like, “Yeah.” She’s about 30 minutes from here where we were in Idaho. I said, “Could I give her a call?” “Absolutely.” I gave her a call. She said, “I’d love to meet.” I met with her and so I asked some questions. I was still skeptical until I started talking more. 

My uncle was a deputy coroner in a neighboring county that she had worked with, so she knew our family name. When she came on the scene and all of that, I don’t know if she had met my mom before or not, but when she came on the scene, she said, “I’ll never forget that. I have never forgotten your mom’s wreck because it was horrific.” I’m like, “Okay. Will you please tell me how the scene was?” When she said she got there, there was an older lady that had gotten there first. She must’ve been trained in first aid through 4-H or something because she had a whole ton of gauze. 

She goes, “Everybody was wrapped in gauze except for your mother and sister who were deceased.” My brother was in the back seat and he survived, but his arm was wrapped up in his head. The drunk driver was wrapped up. He was still alive. This started to get a little bit off for me even talking about it more. They hit driver to driver head-on. He was in an F150 pickup. My mom and my sister were in a 66 Chevelle Super Sport. When they hit, it popped the hood up on my mom’s car and drove it right through the windshield. 

Back in ‘75, kids didn’t have booster seats. They didn’t sit and they stood up in the front seat. The hood hit my sister right above the eyes and decapitated her and she died instantly. Her death certificate says she died instantly. The first responder told me, “Your sister was sitting in the seat like you normally would sit in a chair. The part that was decapitated was sitting next to her.” My mom was hugging my sister. That makes sense because my mom’s death certificate said she died moments after impact, and that her chest was crushed by the steering wheel.

I do believe that my mom had enough life in her that she looked over and saw my sister was dead. She leaned over and hugged my sister. That’s the significance of the logo here. The K-A-R-E, my mom’s name is Karen. That’s where that comes from. My sister was Shelly. That’s where the S in Kares comes from. A buddy of mine does logos. He’s like, “I have to do something with the K.” The significance of this leg of the K wrapping around the other is the significance of my mom hugging my sister in her last moment. 

There’s the K I was talking about. It is another part of the logo. Around it, we have communication and such. That gave me the chills. It still gives me the chills right now, thinking about my mom and my sister’s last moments that they were going to see God soon. They were headed to a 4-H. My mom was headed to drop my brother and sister off at my grandmother’s and my brother was going to have a 4-H meeting that evening. 

It was a day before Father’s Day. My sister was six years old and she wanted to make pie crust with my grandmother because we were supposed to go there the next day for Father’s Day. I stayed with my dad at the house. He was breaking a horse we had. I was three years old and I wanted to hang out with Dad. That’s the significance of the logo and a little part of the story. 

Thank you. Do you mind if I ask some more about the part of the story because it is the inspiration for what you do?

Absolutely.

What do you remember about three-year-old Todd at that moment? Are there any recollections or stories you’ve heard people tell you over the years? 

When my dad would tell me, and as a three-year-old, the only thing I have recollection of is my mom and my sister. My mom walked down the hallway of the house we had. Then my sister treated me like a baby doll or something like that. That’s the only memories I have. Other than that, I’ve asked my dad about when he came on the scene because my grandmother kept trying to call my dad, I guess. We were outside at that time and there were no cell phones. 

You have to go to the house and if you’re out doing horse stuff, you’re thinking, “They’ll leave a message. I’ll get to that when I get back because my hands are dirty. I’m all up to whatever.” You’re in that moment. 

I don’t know if he went inside for something or what or how that happened, but he answered the phone and his mom was on the other line. My grandma said, “Karen, Shelly, and Darren haven’t shown up yet.” My dad goes, “Maybe they had car issues so we’ll go that way.” We got in the Jeep we had. I guess when my dad told me and we started driving there. 

It was about 3 miles out of town, and he came up on the wreck. He could see the back end of the car, so he knew it was our car. He tells me that he’ll go out. As he got out, one of the sheriff’s deputies saw him. He was a friend of him. He tackled him to a degree and told him, “You don’t want to go up there,” and that Karen and Shelly were gone, but my brother was in the hospital and he needed us. My dad said that he remembers collapsing on the pavement. 

Another officer from the town that my grandma was from drove us to the hospital. My dad doesn’t even remember how his Jeep got home. He doesn’t remember any of that. It’s a fog. That’s all he remembered. When I got to talk to the first responder, it gave me more of that closure and warm feeling that I knew what their last moments were when they were in the car.

You make a very good point, Todd. I know you say the word closure. We do have so many questions about the last moments of our loved one. When we’re able to get that information, it fills in some blanks that we have. That is a wonderful gift that you were able to receive. 

I was able to record her talking a little bit. I will have that for the rest of my life. She’s a wonderful woman and her first name is Donna. She is wonderful. Also, her telling me that opened up my dad a little bit more because my dad has been closed off about even talking about things. He started telling me that the police officer drove us to the hospital, my grandmother used to watch his little girl and myself after that. I was telling the little girl that her dad killed my mom and sister. 

My dad was like, “He’s thinking to himself. What do I do?” He took me to the junkyard where they had the pickup of the drunk driver. He showed me and said, “This is the guy that killed your mom and your sister, not the police officer.” I finally took that as a three-year-old and stopped saying that. That was wild when he was able to express that. He’s given me a little bit more. He gave me a big present in 2012. As we went through that, back in that era, you didn’t go to a counselor. 

Say it again to the people in the back of the room. 

Back in 1975, people didn’t go to counseling because they thought you were a weirdo. You need to be institutionalized. It was the old adage of “Back up, buttercup.” That was the old adage. My dad put them and they’re gone. We move on. We never talked about my mom growing up. I didn’t have a picture of my mom. They just weren’t there anymore. That was super difficult for me. 

You made a statement about moving on. Do you feel like your dad moved on, or was he stuck too and didn’t know how to continue?

He’s probably going to hear this and it’s okay, but I don’t think he’s totally moved on. I don’t know if you can totally move on.

You move forward, but they’re always with you. I feel as if people in that era didn’t have the liberty to embrace their feelings, to be sad, to lament, to say this person is no longer here in this world. I know you mentioned them being with God, but we are having a loss for them in this world that we are in. The management of the woman he had this covenant relationship and bore children with and life was shattered the day before Father’s Day. 

Being validated in your feelings that it’s fine may be a gift eventually he would give himself, whether it’s a quiet moment by himself or other things. It’s okay he’s learned to manage grief. You said your dad is remarried. He continued to live. I think we all have a peace where if we had the opportunity, we would go back and hug ourselves and say, “I know it was hard but I’m here with you.”

For sure. I had issues. Growing up, we didn’t talk about mom at all. I don’t know what age I was when I realized that I was feeling something but didn’t know what it was. I was one of the best football players in the state of Idaho growing up and I was in the in-crowd thing. There was always that little person sitting on your shoulder. There was something there. It was like a weight and I didn’t know what it was. It would bug me.

My brother was six years older than me, and he was in a swing choir group. When they would like to go away or he’d go away, I would have a major problem with that. I didn’t know how to handle it. There was even one time that he left to go and my dad and stepmom weren’t planning on going to that event, but I was having such a hard time being away from him that they took me to the event. 

I had no clue what that was. There were even times that I remember that I would say I was sick. Not that I was lying because I didn’t feel good, but it wasn’t medical like cough sick. At the time, I think it was the anxiety that I had. My brother leaving was separation anxiety that I had no clue what it was until I went through counseling when I was 30 to 31 years old. 

Counseling

I am glad for you that you saw counseling. What difference did that make in your life? 

Counseling was a necessity at the time. I went through a lot of things. I’ve unfortunately been married twice. Part of all of that was part of how I grew up and what had happened. After my second divorce, things happened with jobs and things like that. I got depressed and it hit me because I didn’t want my first wife and Me to divorce at all. I thought I would be married for 50 or 60 years and that’s what I wanted, but it didn’t end up that way. After my second divorce, I was depressed. I was living in Oregon at the time. 

My doctor said, “Why don’t we get you on some medication that helped you through this time?” I don’t even remember what the medication was now. I started taking this medication and I was the one in 250,000 that it made worse. I had a shotgun in my mouth and I almost committed suicide. I remember sitting there after I realized, I don’t feel like I was even there. I feel like God slapped me upside the head like, “What are you doing?” I immediately put that down and I called the on-call person, and it happened to be my doctor. 

She said, “Stop the medication. You might have a little bit of effect from it, but stop it and get around people and be in my office on Monday.” I was and I told her, “I’m done with this medication. I don’t want to take any medication.” I said, “I grew up in a non-denominational Christian church. I believe in God. I want to go to a Christian counselor. Between God, the Christian counselor, and myself. I’m going to tackle this thing and I’m going to figure out what it is. I’m tired of feeling this feeling.” That’s what led me to that. 

The Christian counselor was wonderful. Mind you at this time, with all these feelings that I was feeling, I was not the greatest person in the world. I was quick to anger. I was coaching high school basketball at the time, and I was sure I would get short with not necessarily the players, but other people outside. If anybody is tuning in that I hurt, I apologize for that during that time but my emotions were all over the place. In the counseling, we went back to three years old. There was a process of mourning my mom and my sister that I had never gotten a chance to do. 

I hadn’t had a chance to talk much about it before that. Talk about emotions, I don’t think I haven’t been who I am. That was the most emotional I’ve ever been in my life. It was during that time. It took a long time. I asked my counselor. I said, “I don’t have that feeling that’s there when I coach.” She goes, “That makes sense.” I go, “Why does that make sense? Why do you say that?” She goes, “How long you’ve been coaching?” I said, “I don’t know. Probably seven years, something like that, all told with different things.” She goes, “You’re comfortable in that role. You like helping kids. You need to be doing more of that now while you’re going through this.”

I couldn’t hold a job. There would be days when all I could do was get my son out the door to school, then I was like a vegetable on the couch. If it wasn’t for my dad and my grandma, I wouldn’t have made it through that. My brother helped me out with my son. It is the support that helped me get through that.

Thank you for explaining that, Todd. If you were to connect with somebody who has loved ones who have passed and their response to counseling is, “It’s going to make me more upset. I don’t want to go and deal with all those emotions,” what would you tell them? 

I would tell them that I understand where they’re coming from first. I apologize and am sorry for what they are going through. To heal, you have to go back and go through all of those emotions and work those emotions through until you can truly move on. If you don’t, and you push it away. That’s what I did. I pushed those feelings away. Eventually, it’s going to come out. I had a counselor tell me one time that you will have to deal with your emotions at about the same age as the person who died. It was crazy because my mom was 30 years old when she died and I was 30 or 31 when I dealt with things. I’d never heard that before until now a few years ago. 

If someone is struggling with the idea of a therapist in their personal ego and representation of themselves, what would you say to them? 

Can you repeat that? Let me think about that. 

“I don’t want to go to a therapist because I don’t like the way it looks on my character or my personality. I’m strong. I don’t need that type of stuff.”

I got you. I would say if you truly want to get better, it doesn’t matter what other people think. It’s about you and you getting better and better for your family members. It is confidential. Counseling is confidential. They cannot say anything to you or about what you’re going through. The other thing I would do is if somebody’s talking to me about that, I’m going to offer my support right there, “You know what? I’ll help you in any way I can. If you want me to drive you in my car, so your car doesn’t get seen by the counselor.” Whatever I can do to help, that’s what I would do. I would hope that they would have friends who would be open to knowing that it’s okay to go to counseling because that’s where you’re going to get the help, where you’re going to be able to thrive later on in life.

You did the work. Thank you for explaining it. Thank you for being transparent because I know these conversations are not easy. Sometimes you feel like you’re right there. Sometimes it can be something you rattle off. I feel like right now is a mix of both of those for you. Thank you for being here. 

Thank you. 

Kares Foundation

What was the inspiration to start the Kares Foundation? I know it was your mom and sister, but what was the catalyst at the moment you started to make that happen? 

It was a gal in my youth group that I was helping out with at church. I talked to the youth group about my story and she was the first person that asked me to go speak at her driver’s training class. Her dad was an elder in our church. I went to speak at the driver’s training class and I spoke, and I had some kids crying. I wasn’t meaning to make kids cry. When it was done, the instructor said, “You need to be talking about this all over the place.” He said, “You have a powerful message.” I’m like, “Thank you.” I got done, and that was before I knew what that feeling was from my counselor.

Are you doing this before doing the work for yourself?

Yeah. I would talk about my mom. I wasn’t talking about my feelings because I didn’t know what those feelings were quite yet. It was almost like a third-person narrative where you’re talking about somebody else, not necessarily yourself. 

That has blocked a lot of them.

That was probably the first time I ever felt like, “This is what I should be doing.” I didn’t listen to that. I tried to start at the Kares Foundation probably 6 or 7 years ago. I wasn’t in the right spot.

If I could have, would have, should have. Those people always are the subject matter experts.

Can I share with you what gift my dad gave me in 2012? 

Absolutely.

I got to get it here for a second. I bring this out when I talk to kids or whoever is in a smaller area. It’s harder in a big auditorium, but it’s that case that my dad said he had kept some of my mom’s stuff. He kept my mom’s purse that she had with her when she died. No matter how many times I pull it out, I get emotional because this is my mom’s book and this is the first time in 2012 that I got to see my mom’s handwriting. 

How beautiful. 

She had a lot of different things in there. I laugh at this when I pull it out. She has an old ‘70s wallet.

What materials are that out of?

It’s like a velvet material.

I can see the vest and the bell-bottom pants and something else with that all together like the whole outfit.

My dad’s pictures are there and she has pictures of the family in there. That was my sister. I could probably get money out of this Tic-Tac.

I was going to say, “Was there any money in the wallet?”

I haven’t dug into the corners, but I’m sure there’s probably some change in there somewhere. There’s a toothpick, I know. I was like, “That’s interesting.” She also had this. It’s like a dowel. My dad had a construction company, so I don’t know if she went and took this to buy something for my dad, for the construction company, or what. 

I have no concept of what that would have been.

A little piece of dowel. I have no clue. She had an empty tic-tac, but she had a full one too from ‘75, I can get something out of that. 

It’s amazing how these appearances of minor things have such great value when they were the last things our loved ones had.

It touched me big time. When I pull it out, every time, I get emotional. I probably pulled this thing out 20 to 30 times talking to people. It still touches me like the first time my dad showed it to me. It was crazy. Sorry. 

One, there is nothing to be sorry about. Two, it has been 49 years. Your emotions further confirm what I always tell people, grief has no timeline. It is not something you get over and move on. If you serve yourself well to learn how to go from, “I cannot get out of the bed for a week” to “I cannot get out of the bed for the day,” you’re lamenting happens. When we retract from society, it makes it different. The tears are necessary for us in society to remember that grief is part of this human journey. We should encourage other people who are in the throes of it.

It touches me when I do speak and pull that out. I keep coming back to the word closure, but it gives me peace to know that I’m on the right road. As I said before, I’m a God-believing individual and God has been routing me to different areas. When I went down to Idaho to speak that first time that I talked about earlier, I didn’t have the logo done yet. 

That’s when I ran into Donna. While I was down there, I called my attorney up and said, “I’d like to get the 501(c)(3) paperwork going. She goes, “It’s like a year to get that approved.” I’m like, “Okay.” I was down in Idaho for an additional week and filled the paperwork out and she helped me submit it. I was down there for an additional week and came up here back to Arizona. I was here for about a week and I got a letter from the IRS saying I was approved for the 501(c)(3).

I’m like, “That’s crazy.” She goes, “Did you see that?” She texted me a minute after I’d opened up the letter. I said, “Yeah, isn’t that crazy?” She goes, “I’ve never seen that.” I said, “I got a big guy upstairs working for me.” She goes, “I got you. God had his hands.” Things like that keep happening. I keep running into people. It’s God who is putting these together, everybody that I sit down with, meet, or whatever. It’s almost like a game to my dad. He’ll call me up and goes, “Who did you meet this week?” It’s been interesting like, “God, who are you going to lead me to? Who am I going to be able to help and vice versa?” It’s been interesting. 

Speaking To Teens

Here are a few goals we have. I want to read the goal and I want you to share about some ways that you’ve been able to fulfill that. Is that okay? 

Absolutely.

One, help save lives through speaking to as many teens and adults as possible.

I will go anywhere and everywhere to speak. I’m headed to Oregon here in July to speak at a Church Bible Camp for about a hundred students. I’ve gone to some different schools, but not as many as I want to yet. It’s a little harder to get into schools right now. I’ve spoken to different business meetings. I will go into an individual home. They have teens and then invite their friends over. I’ll speak to them as well. I also have a table that I set up at events. I was at the YMCA for the kids’ day. I set up there. I have drunk goggles. I don’t know if you’ve seen those before or not. They look like ski goggles but you put it on and it makes you act like you’re 0.26 to 0.35 intoxicated, and driving at night. 

Everybody with vertigo is not going to want to touch that. 

Most people see double when they put this on. 

Drunk Driver

It sounds like something. I want to circle back to something. You mentioned that the drunk driver who was responsible for your mom and sister no longer being here. What became of him? 

I won’t say his name, but he was 33 years old. His blood alcohol level was 1.8 at the time. Speaking to the first responder, he was cut from the shoulder all the way down to his groin area. One of the things she said that was difficult was she had to put the drunk driver and my brother in the same ambulance. That was super difficult for her. I’d been told it took about six months to recover. He then went to trial. He got two weeks in jail. 

Two weeks?

Two weeks, yeah. From my understanding, he was able to serve that on evenings or weekends and he didn’t do it in the first six months. The judge gave him another six months to do it. From what I’m told, it didn’t even go on his driving record. His job was driving 18-wheelers from what I’ve been told. At one point, he was driving and he was drunk. Somebody saw him let his air out in his 18-wheeler, and the company fired him. 

I found out when I was a sophomore in high school that he passed away from alcohol. He passed away young. A lot of people asked me, “Are you so mad at him?” Back in the day, my brother and I, wanted his name so we could go visit him. Thank goodness nobody did. I found out he lived 30 minutes from us. Back then, I was upset with him. Now I’ve forgiven him for me to be able to move on. 

I want to start researching him a little bit to see what his life was. He may not have had a good chance at life. Who knows what his childhood was like and stuff like that? I’m holding judgment on that. I don’t want to judge anybody. I wished he would have made a better decision that day. He got drunk in a little tavern that was half a mile from my grandmother’s house. He drove by my grandmother’s house. 

Tell us about how it feels to have this foundation honoring your mom and your sister. 

Part of the time, I cannot even believe it’s happening because I’m working on a shoestring budget and I’m working part-time. As I said, things falling into place. I’m excited for the future. The big goals that I have are going to happen. It’s just a matter of time. My dad is excited. I’m excited about who I’m going to meet next. I have no clue as I go along. Look at you and I, we met in a networking group and here we are.

Scholarships And Summer Camps

You mentioned some goals that you still need to fulfill. Goal number two is to provide college scholarships to kids who have been directly affected by drug driving, etc. Is that something you’ve been able to do or still looking to do?

Still looking to do it. I’d like to at least have a couple of kids that I could provide scholarships to like $2,000 a year for all four years in college, like $8,000 apiece. If I got more funding, I’d help more kids. That’s something that is hopefully in the near future. 

Another goal you mentioned is to host a summer camp for kids, which would include counseling and having fun being kids. Is that something that you’ve done already? 

No. It’s coming though. I’m sorry, I’m excited about this one. I got to show you a brochure. We got it about two weeks ago. It’s called Camp Kares. We used the K because that’s significant, my mom and sister. We put this together and it’s a complete flyer. Got the back here. We are going to be up in Globe, Arizona in June of 2025, about a year from now. 

We’re going to have 75 kids that have been affected by drugs or alcohol there, then about 25, 30 volunteers. I’m putting together a flyer right now for a student flyer for the camp. We’ll have a logo. I don’t have it printed out yet, but I can show you what it looks like. The theme of the camp is going to be survivors. We’re going off of The Survivor from TV. I hope you can see that. It’s survival, then Camp Kares, and then Thrive 2025. 

How long have you been working for this to happen?

I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time, but as far as working and trying to get it going, probably for the last few months. I went up and looked at the camp and they’re giving us a great deal. A friend of mine is going to bring some horses up there that are super tame so the kids can be around horses. I have another friend, a mutual friend of ours, Kaylee from Unicorn Universe. She is a kid’s trauma therapist. One of the things I want to do and the goal for this camp is to give the kids tools to help them in life. We’re going to give them those tools in the morning and the afternoon session, then it’s about having fun. 

The evening is the turn-up then. 

We’re going to do some different things like learn how to build a fire without a match. Some of those things with Survivor in the background. We want these kids to thrive. As I said, Thrive 2025. I want these kids to be able to have a good time while we’re there, learn some things, and build relationships with the adults.

Not only that but when they leave and go back to their home, a group home, they’re with their mom and dad, or whatever, I want to keep in touch with them. We’re working on that, where it’s either going to be a quarterly or every six months that we get these kids back together and check in with them. I hope that these kids will be able to take something that we teach them and help their peers. 

It’s exciting just to have the brochure. I teared up when I got the brochure. I was like, “Really, Todd?” It’s coming true. It’s going to happen. The other thing too is I’ve already talked to a friend of mine in Oregon. We have ties in Idaho because I grew up in Idaho. We’ll put camps in Oregon and Idaho. My goal is if I can get enough funding together, I want to do this in every state. That’s the goal. 

Unfortunately, there’s room for a necessity. 

If anybody in the Arizona area has a child that had been affected by drugs or alcohol and wants to nominate them to go to the camp, give me a call. Let me know. 

What is your phone number or email address? How do the people reach you?

My telephone number is an Oregon number. It’s 541-490-5171. My email is ToddKaresF@gmail.com. 

Nonprofit And Treatment Facility

Thank you so much. If someone is thinking about starting a nonprofit, what advice would you give them? 

Just go for it. I’ve had my entrance agency at one point in life. It helped out with other businesses. Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve done as a nonprofit. A lot of people talk about it and I did for years. I talked about it and didn’t move on anything and did it. Just do it. Get out there and go because you can learn as you go. Luckily, we had a great attorney who helped me through the beginnings of everything. 

As I’ve been networking, I’m running into people who have experience and ask questions saying, “I’m trying to get this done. Have you got experience in that?” They’re like, “Yeah.” Even now, I have people ask me, “How did you do that?” I’m like, “I didn’t do that too long ago.” It’s all about helping each other. If there was more of that in the world, we’d be way better off. 

It’s very fresh in your mind. Are there any goals that are not on this sheet of paper?

I have one goal but we’d have to have the right backing and stuff. I would like to start a treatment facility. 

That’s on there. 

Things come through my head and if somebody comes up with something and says, “What do you think about doing this? Let’s do it.” I’m not so set with this non-profit that it has to be what I’ve thought of. If other people come through and think of things, I’m willing to pivot and try new things. What comes down to the very end of it is are we helping the kids and are we saving lives? If it comes to those two different things right there, I’m good for it. I don’t care what it is. You don’t have to be coming up with the idea. It’s how we can execute it and how well we can execute it. 

Facing Grief

It makes sense. Are there any questions you have for me? I’ve asked you a lot of questions. I find sometimes people may or may not have a question for me. I’m going to give space for that. 

I really don’t. I put in some notes and I went through some things last night. It was crazy going through things, and how emotional I got with it as well. I’ll go back to when I talked about my dad and him closing it in a box thing. At that point, my mom’s side of the family, we have much to do with them. I got to see my grandmother who lived an hour away from us once a year at Christmas time. 

I remember her making these gourmet chocolates and we get a box of chocolates every year. My uncle, my mom’s brother, lived fifteen minutes from us. I saw him every year, but not for us going over there and meeting up because they were a rival school of ours when I was in high school. I played basketball and football and he would come to my games. 

The universe would not let you detangle. 

This was only about 6 or 7 months ago that I was able to talk to him. Once in a while, I talked to him, but I asked him, “How come you guys just left us? What was that?” He started to talk and he started crying and my aunt said, “I’ll talk. Your uncle was close to your mother. Your mother was eight years or something like that older than him. She was like a mother figure almost to him. You probably don’t know this, but back then, they talked every day. They called each other every day and said, ‘How’s your day?’” 

This long cord of the phone. 

They were super close. That’s why it hurt every time that he saw us and had something to do with us. It goes right back to that same attitude that counseling is not good and the “Back up, buttercup” thing. That’s what they did. That’s what everybody did at that time. If anybody deals with that, fight through that. 

I never got the chance to talk to my grandmother about my mom. I was eighteen years old and I was going to be going to college. I talked to my grandma because I had been hired by the Bureau of Land Management to fight fires in the summertime. I talked to my grandmother and I said, “I have fire school down there in Boise. Would it be okay if I came down there while I was going to fire school and then give me a chance to talk to you about Mom?” She was like, “Absolutely. That’d be great.” 

My grandfather was in the hospital with terminal cancer. My grandma was having some chest pains and did not tell the family about it. She told her sister but made her sister promise not to say anything. My grandma had a massive heart attack and died 2 or 3 days later. I never had the opportunity to ask my grandma any questions about my mom. That was a killer because that was my link to know my mom. I never had that opportunity. 

Here you are showing up for your mom and sister in their honor with other people. 

Relationship With God

With a lot of people’s help. God is over me. I was mad at God for a period of time and I didn’t go to church. I didn’t do anything. 

Please talk about that because I believe people don’t understand the gravity of the pain, and that God is big enough to carry that pain as we work through it. People feel like, “They said they were mad at God. Who else were you mad at?” Let’s be honest. People can say that. If you don’t admit it, I think it’s hard for you to learn how to continue living if you don’t know the fact that you’re upset.

I agree with you. As I said before, I hurt a lot of people and I apologize for that. During those times, and when these things kept happening to me and getting divorced, I didn’t want that at all and things like that. I never saw myself that way. It hit me. During that time, I’m like, “You know what? There is no God.” I was saying to myself that there is no God. Yet I knew in the background because those times that I could not work, my son was in junior high or maybe a little younger than that, but something happened every month that I was able to pay the rent and I had food on the table. 

Your needs were met.

They were. God tells us, “Your needs will be met.” Right then at that point, I learned as I think back now, probably not in the moment, that God was teaching me that he was going to take care of my needs. I was a good dad as far as I was there for him, but I was there, but I wasn’t there. I was present, but I may not have been always acting like I was present because of everything that I was going through. I feel bad about that. 

As much as I was mad at God, I think it was that anger inside that I was turning into somebody. Somebody had to feel because I was that angry. That’s why I feel it was God. I’ve gotten closer to God now in the last few years than at any time maybe when I was younger. If anybody doesn’t know God, open up a Bible and read something. You don’t have to go to church immediately. God wants us to go to church to be able to minister and worship together, but open it up and give me a call and I’ll pray for you. 

What does it mean that you make the statement to know God? What does that look like? If I hear for the first time and you’re mentioning God knowing and all this stuff and that’s foreign to me, what are you trying to articulate to somebody?

I guess what I’m trying to say is if you have ever had a relationship with someone who is wonderful and lifts you up every time that you’re with them, getting to know God that way by reading the Bible, knowing that He died on the cross for our sins and if we believe in Him that we can go to heaven and have everlasting life, then it’s there. It’s a renewal. When you give your life to Christ, it’s like you’re getting a new heart. It’s an awesome feeling. 

I had that feeling when I was younger and probably lost a little bit and I’ve gotten that feeling back again. God is directing this and I’m the vessel that he’s using. It’s crazy how I’m being led through this and by others or people that I’m meeting because everybody I meet, it’s like, “God is number one.” We are faith-based, but we also respect other religions. I don’t judge anybody. Your beliefs are your beliefs. That’s great, but this is what I believe and the way I feel.

You said you had notes and things. Is there something in your notes that we didn’t cover that you want to make sure we do? 

I went through everything. I have nine pages. 

Dealing With Loss

I’m feeling good about this conversation that we covered everything on nine pages. This was not a scripted conversation. I know you probably said, “What are the questions?” I go through the conversation. I feel like it leads itself because the people who are tuning in want to know what it would be like if they were part of the conversation. If someone is tuning in to this episode and their loved one was taken from this world because of the hands of somebody else, they are mad, they are bitter, and hate the world because their person is not here. What would you tell them? 

First, I’d say I’m sorry. They probably heard that lots of times. The first thing I would say is what can I do for you? They probably already had people who say, “You need to quit being angry. You need to quit this and that.” I want to say, “How are you? Truly, how are you? What can I do to help?” If it’s going for a drive, go sit down and talk somewhere, tell me how you’re feeling because I’m sure what you’re feeling I felt before because of that same losing somebody. For me, it was even looking at a family and I still do it to this day. 

You see a family with a husband and wife and the kids like, “ I wonder what it’d be like to have my mom.” I would be there for that person. The biggest mistake for a lot of people when they come in to someone who needs something is they want to fix it immediately. You cannot unless the person is ready to fix themselves. If they’re ready to fix themselves, then you can help them, but be there for them in the meantime until they’re ready for that help. 

That is so important and I think that is also what makes people very uncomfortable being around people who are lamenting, grieving, and in deep sorrow because this is an unfixable situation. The reality that we all have to travel this way makes it very difficult for people to be there. It seems like being there, but that is the biggest thing that you can do to be present and let them cry. Let them be upset and let them be in their feelings. I think that is great advice.

A big word when I was going through my thoughts last night and was dictating and stuff, perseverance was a word that kept coming up to me. All the things that I’ve been through in my life, I had thyroid cancer in 2018, had half my thyroid out, and lost what money I did have. I’m starting fresh and new again, but it’s perseverance.

If my girlfriend would ask me, “What is a key one word that sums you up?” It’s perseverance. I’ve never stopped. Has it held me back? Absolutely, but I keep persevering through things. I would never imagine where the Kares Foundation is to this day. Heep on tracking. You got my telephone number out there. I give kids my cell phone. Every time I speak to somebody, they will have my cell phone. 

These kids I talked to, I said, “Call me. If it’s 2:00 in the morning, my phone is on, As long as I hear it, I will answer the telephone.” There are some parents out there who are so rigid that if the kids are in trouble, the kids are afraid to call their parents for help. If I have these kids call me, I’ll say, “I’ll be the buffer.” Are your parents going to know? Absolutely, they’re going to know. You’re an underage individual. You shouldn’t be drinking or doing something else in the first place.

I will call the parents and talk to them and I’ll be the buffer. I will say, “I’m glad they called. They’re getting help. They’re safe.” If they’re afraid to call, it might be a knock on the door from an officer saying, “Your son or daughter, I’m sorry to tell you, is either killed or they’re in jail.” You don’t want that at all. That’s why I give this out to the kids. Every one of my cards, I have the Kares Foundation on the front and the back of it has all my information and my personal cell phone. 

That’s a combination of the name, but it also is because you do care. It is the combination of all of that. 

I’ve had two people that have been alcoholics call me on my phone. One I talked through and got their sponsor on the phone. The other one I got to talk and she told me her story. She was recovering at the time, but she saw my website and she called me. That was a wonderful touching and important story that she had or has. 

Talking With Kids

You made me think of something. Besides those two, do you have any other memorable stories where you’ve been able to show up for people and support them in this foundation that comes to mind?

Over the years, it’s just talking with the kids. When you talk to kids and they get emotional about it, you may not hear from them. You may not run into them again. I’ve been told I’ve had an impact but I haven’t had a specific incident yet. I haven’t unfortunately had somebody come back yet. This was built for a couple of years. That is unfortunate, but I know that I’m making a difference because I’m told that when I speak and everything. I’m looking forward to when that person does come back like a teacher. I’m looking forward to that and looking forward to having these kids at this camp, hopefully, come back and help other kids.

Episode Wrap-up

Todd, thank you so much for being here. There are going to be people tuning in to this conversation who have traveled down a similar road where their grief is complicated, and they feel like nobody cares, yet they will know that you do and that they are not alone. I would ask you to wrap up this conversation and have the closing comments.

Thank you. For anybody out there who is going through anything like this or having some difficulties right now, the keyword that kept coming up to me was perseverance. Keep driving forward. You have a friend. I don’t care where you’re at or who you are. You got my cell phone number. Call me. If I don’t answer it, I’m doing something else. Leave me a message. I will call you back. I’m here for you. 

I have some resources for counselors. I can get other resources in other places on my website. There are some resources there. Reach out to me. I’d love to hear from you. We’re a nonprofit. We’re always needing funding. It’s $300 to sponsor a child for the camp. I appreciate you and thank you so much, Tina, for allowing me to come on and share my story. You’re doing great work and I look forward to seeing where it has taken you and taken me as well. 

Thank you. Have a good day. 

Thank you too.

Important Link:

• Kares Foundation

About Todd Lingel

My name is Todd Lingel, I am the founder and Director of Kares Foundation. I grew up in a small community in Idaho where I learned the value of communication and the meaning of integrity. My mother and sister were killed when I was young which has led me through life with a passion to help others. This has led me to start Kares Foundation, which is built on communication, trust, integrity and helping others. Our key focus is to teach our teens and young adults to make better decisions to prevent unnecessary accidents and deaths in the future due to peer pressure, drinking/driving and social media grooming.

1. Help save lives through speaking to as many kids and adults as possible.
2. Provide College Scholarships to Kids who have been directly affected by drunk driving, drug use, etc.
3. Host a summer camp for kids, which would include counseling and having fun being kids.
4. The Big goal that we are researching and raising funds for, is to open a treatment facility or sober living home for teens and young adults.