Losing a loved one is truly heartbreaking. How harder would it be if you had to deal with the death of several family members? Alicia Voss is here to share how she handled the passing of her mother and her spouse after they got divorced. She reflects on the importance of forgiving even when unasked for, the importance of self-grace in navigating the complexities of loss, and how her personal relationships transformed after going through grief. Alicia also talks about her inspiration behind Good Grief Great Mourning, a platform born from her personal grieving journey, and how she helps other people go through their own stories of loss.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others. 

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World.

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Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Dealing With The Passing Of Family Members With Alicia Voss

Have you ever wondered how your grief looked different if you and your spouse were divorced? What would you consider if you felt like a widow or widower? How does the difference of losing your parent impact your grief? What does the word HEMS have to do with grief? That’s the answer that you’ll receive in this next conversation with Ms. Voss. Let’s get into the discussion.

 

 

Alicia, welcome to the widowhood.

Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

“Welcome to the widowhood.” What comes to mind when you hear something like that? If I were to see the ticker tape inside your head going widowhood, what would that reap?

It almost sounds surreal. I used to think as a kid that that was a word for old people. Ironically, I got married young, so I know that’s not the case, especially being in the grief space. I used to think that was a term for people with a lot of gray hair and up in their 80s and 90s.

It is something. Seeing yourself in that community, how has that changed the narrative for you?

For me, it brings everything back into a normal perspective because I’m it. I feel like I can empathize more. I see through different lenses.

When you have conversations with people and introduce in the conversation that you are a widow, do you get some response like you thought in your mind as far as, “You’re a widow,” and coming to terms with that with people?

For those that don’t know, my ex-husband passed away after we had separated, so it was a little different for me. Me getting married early on was more of a surprise, but getting the news that he had passed was a shocker, for sure.

Thank you for mentioning the dynamics of your situation. If you’ve been married to someone and they passed, it still impacts you. Some people may go, “They were divorced. I don’t even know why you’re talking about him anymore.” What would you say to someone that made a statement like that?

It’s selfish. That’s like saying if you had a child that passed away, you have another child, so you should be okay with this new child. Each grief process is different. You’re going to process it no matter what. It’s still a part of you. That’s a part of your story. It’s a chapter in your book, I feel like.

When you say process, instead of that generic term, what does that grief look like? I want to have this conversation because there’s someone reading this discussion where they’re divorced, and their spouse passed. They feel like they can’t grieve because they were divorced. They feel they don’t have the right to be sad, or they don’t have the right to elicit these emotions, but they exist. Can we dive into what that  looked like for you on a granular level?

Sure. I’ll start off by saying the separation and divorce was a grieving process also. Having to separate from something that you’re used to in your day-to-day life, that starts the process. It’s almost like you move from one grief to another grief. He never remarried, and neither did I. When I found out he had passed away, I felt like you were saying initially. It was like, “Do I have the right to grieve?” I had to give myself permission because no one else was going to respect my grieving process if I didn’t go through it myself.

No one else will respect your grieving process other than yourself. Share on X

I took a few days to get past the shock. It was more of a numbness, initially. Once I realized, “This is it. This is final. No more,” then I had to start going through the stages. I didn’t deal with depression, anxiety, or anything. It was more of bargaining, like, “I wonder if this had been this way, or if this had have been fixed, his life would’ve ended up this way.” You go through those stages or what have you. I would say to the person, “If you’re not together and that person dies, give yourself grace to grieve. I know that sounds cliche, but you have the right. It is your right to process your grief even if you’re not together.”

For me, I feel so free in the fact that we had some issues, as any marriage would, but forgiveness was a big factor for me. I forgave him before he ever asked. He asked me for forgiveness two weeks before he passed away. I had already forgiven him. We were friends. We had multiple discussions about different things. That made my process a lot easier. I was able to say I forgave him, and we were in a good space. I felt so free, but I still felt the pain, like, “He’s not here.”

Thank you for that. You brought up a good point about the grief before the passing. Let’s circle back to that. Grief is more than the loss of a loved one. You mentioned something that you were used to and you reached out for, and it wasn’t there. How did you guys meet?

I am a hairstylist. I’ve always been in the beauty industry, so the core of who I am is everything beauty. At the time, he was going to a famous barbershop in my town. At the time, I didn’t have any children. He did have children. My nephews and my nieces were like my children. I had my nephews in this barber show. We were all at the rehearsals together. I noticed he kept watching me, but there were so many men in the building that I honestly wasn’t focused on one.

Fast forward, there were 3 or 4 rehearsals, and then the big show. He figured, “If I don’t say anything now, I may never see her again.” I always laugh because I was standing there, talking to a high school friend of mine that I had run into. He was at the show. He stood behind him and waited, like, “I’m going to talk to her no matter what.” I told him, “You were rude.”

 

He waited. After the guy left, he approached me and we talked. He was a very handsome man. He was gorgeous.  gave him a hard time because I felt like, “What do you want from me? I’m not this beauty queen that you probably could get.” I’m thinking, “What?” I gave him a hard time for about 6 or 7 months until I realized, “He’s serious.” I then started to soften up for him.

What did soften up look like? What did you change?

I’m still a tough nail. I started accepting more dates. He would bring gifts, and I’m like, “Eh.” Everything probably a woman would want, I was like, “That’s too easy.” I would  wait, and I would take it. I would give him a little smile or whatever. I’m like, “Go to church with me.” He would do that, and I’m like, “Okay.” We became official. He was like, “I want us to date more,” and it went from there. We went on lots more dates.

Our engagement and wedding was nothing typical. I call it a Vegas wedding because we didn’t do anything official. At the time, he was getting redeployed to go back. He was a serviceman, so he had to go away to Iraq. He was like, “Let’s go ahead and make sure that everything is in place.” That’s how we ended up getting married.

I was in the Army for 21 years. Sometimes, those things can be the whole dynamic of that environment. When you think about the dating and then the divorce, what are some lessons that you learned about yourself as you reflect back on that?

 

 

I feel like they were almost one and the same because I still had that pride. It was a lot of pride that I had in the beginning. Walls were put up. Maybe I feared getting hurt, so I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt, which I know now. I’ve used that in my grief processes with my mom. I was always trying to pre-protect myself from things or try to shield myself from things before they happen.

I did that in the dating phase, but even with the divorce, I’m like, okay, “I see this is not working, so let me start to detach my feelings. Let me start to remove feelings now, so if this goes awry or if we don’t stick together, I’m not hurt. We’ll go our separate ways.” I’ve always processed things that way. I don’t know where it came from.

I feel like dating and divorce ended up being the same way so much so that before I began to process my forgiveness with him, I didn’t even know I was angry or I hated him. I had to sit in that, and I’m like, “I never knew I could hate someone.” One day, ironically, I was sitting in church, and the person was talking about forgiveness. I was like, “That’s me. I need to forgive.” He had no idea that I was forgiving him that day of something he had never requested me or asked forgiveness for.

Thank you for sharing that. I’m going to ask how, because most people think, “This person has succumbed to me and asked for my forgiveness. I will bestow my forgiveness upon them, and then we walk away. We are going to have this wonderful relationship because I have forgiven them.” What did it  look like for you?

There are a lot of details and a lot of things to unpack, but in the grand scheme, if you’re a spiritual person or a person that believes in God, I have to look at how God treats me. I had to say to myself, “You’ve been forgiven for a lot of things. You’re not perfect. Sometimes, you have to extend that same grace to other people.” I had to reprocess things, like, “Are you still alive? Do you still have this? It’s okay to move on. In order to move on, you have to forgive him. That frees you.” That’s what I did.

I like to use analogies. If you have a child that does something wrong, if they come to you and they ask you for forgiveness, do good parents keep hammering it over their children’s head, or, at some point, do they say, “It’s okay. Thank you for coming to me,” or, “I didn’t have to come to you to discipline you. You came to me. I appreciate that, so I’m going to let it go.” That’s what I did. In my head, I looked at it as, “My Father has forgiven me.” I forgave him before he asked, and it was freeing. It freed me up a lot.

I was going to say. When someone hears freeing, what is that? Articulate that a little bit more.

I didn’t process anger so much. I felt like I was on the edge. Everything got on my nerves. It made me angry. I treated people how I felt like I was being treated. If you did something that resembled what I was going through, then I automatically was harsh toward other people that had nothing to do with my situation. Once I let that go and started sitting in the freedom of forgiveness, patience came in, as well as forgiveness with other people. I was not being so edgy, and things like that. I had more grace for people.

You mentioned your mother briefly. Can you share a little bit more about her and how that relates to your grief?

Yeah. My mom passed away a couple of years ago. It was May of 2018. I felt like because I processed relationships the way I mentioned, when it came to my mom’s passing, I started to try to protect myself from the hurt of losing my mother. I compartmentalized a ton. I kept saying, “If I do this, if I work more, if I go here more, or if I do this more, I won’t feel any pain, or the pain won’t be as intense.” That was far from the case.” The emotions pile up until one day, it explodes. I did that in relationships. It was more of a protection mode. I’m a hairstylist. What I have here is a natural hairstyle.

 

I like the color on yours.

Thank you. I try to play around with it. This is about two years worth of growth. Someone else may have two years worth of growth, and it may be your length. Each person’s process is going to be different. What I did when I first got this hairstyle was I would throw wigs on it all the time, covering it up. We call it protective hairstyles because we’re not ready to confront what’s underneath. I was not ready. The lady who styles my hair kept saying, “Trust the process.”

In grief, I had to figure out that you have to trust the process. You can’t keep covering it up because underneath is still the same thing there. You’re going to have to deal with it. That’s how I’ve processed things. Later on in life, I realized these are the consequences of covering up or compartmentalizing. I sometimes have short-term memory loss because I buried everything with that grief so much, so much so that I don’t have a thought. I can’t get it out.

I’m like, “Where’s the thought?” It’s buried in that compartmentalization because I tried to suppress everything. That’s how I’ve, in the beginning, processed my mother’s grief because it was so traumatic. It was unexpected and traumatic. When I say unexpected, it was because my mom was healthy. She passed in a six-month timeframe, but she was the picture of health. No one expected her to die for a long time.

When you think of your mom, what are some memories that come to mind for you?

My mother is the most perfect example of a person. She always made sure that she did the right things in front of us. If she gave you a word, she stuck to it. I’ve cried all the sad tears. Now, I cry happy tears. I’ve suppressed for so long, so I cry every time I talk about her. She was a person of her word. She was integral. She was a great mother and great-grandmother. I know probably most people can say that about their mom, but I always felt like, “Are there any other mothers out there like you?”

As children, we thought she was perfect. That’s the honest to God’s truth. We never saw her do anything. As we got older, we realized maybe she wasn’t so perfect, but I can’t say anything bad. She had nothing bad to say. She cooked great. She was a great wife. She was an entrepreneur. She took nothing and built businesses. She was everything.

I have great memories in every arena you can think about. The most important one was that she introduced us to God. She made sure that she put that in front of us and lived the example. We have so many examples out that you’re questioning. It was never questionable when it came to her. She was serious and intentional about everything she did. That’s why I’m able to even speak to you. I’m not a social media person. I’m not an in-front-of-the-camera person. She was bold and tenacious. I feel like in order to honor her, I have to do what I’m doing.

 

You say you’re not a social media person.

I’m not.

Where can people find you, Miss not-a-social-media person?

You’ll see once you look at my socials. I started a YouTube channel. I do want to get more intentional about that platform. I’m on YouTube. It’s @GoodGriefGreatMourning on YouTube. I am on TikTok. It’s @GoodGriefGreatMourning on TikTok. On Instagram, it is @GoodGrief_GreatMourning. My Facebook page is Good Grief and Great Mournings with Asia and Alicia.

What does that title mean to you? How did you come about using that?

Initially, I had made up Good Grief, honestly. I was sitting in my salon one day, and I was like, “I want to do something. I feel like I should do a T-shirt or something.” I had no idea I would even get to this point or this space. I was like, “I want my grief to be good. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I don’t want to be depressed all the time.”

Everyone processes grief differently, but my mother would look at me and say, “Come on. Don’t sit in that for too long. Let’s go.” I wanted my grief to be what I thought was good. I was like, “I should do a T-shirt or something, saying Good Grief.” I didn’t know it was already out there. One day, I was typing and was like, “Somebody already has good grief.” I was thinking, “What about mourning?”

I thought about fresh new starts. I said, “I’m going to add morning on there.” When I think about a great morning, I’m like, “I want to wake up every morning with a fresh start. Maybe I was sad last night. Maybe I was sitting on my feelings last night. Today, I want a great morning.” I have it spelled as mourning. It’s  a play on letters or what have you. That’s where the title came from.

For somebody that’s not a social media, what are we doing on YouTube?

Since it’s a platform where you can do longer content, I started there. I had no idea what I was doing. If you go look at my videos, you can tell the difference in the earlier ones versus the later ones.

I’m going to say the same with me, too. I know what you’re talking about. I’m over here not knowing what I’m doing, too.

It’s a struggle, but I’m determined. I’m like, “Every video will get better and better.” I want to do longer content there because sometimes, with Tiktok and Instagram, they want to limit it to a certain amount of time. With YouTube, people are  searching for your content. They’re typing it in and looking for you. They want to see longer content. I wanted to focus more on that platform.

Thank you. You went from the hair salon, thinking of Good Grief, and you’ve evolved to Good Grief Great Mourning. What is your goal? What are you looking to come from all of this? Why are you doing it?

My mission is to help. When I started out, I felt like that was why I was compartmentalizing, because I didn’t see help around me. Since I wasn’t looking, I felt like I was a stranger in this foreign land. I was the only one there. Nobody reached out. They wait for you to say something. My goal is to say something to people so they know it’s safe for them to say something.

I was sitting down one day, and I was journaling. I’m like, “I’m going through this, but I want to help someone else.” I put in Help, and then I was like, “What else do I want to do? I want to Encourage.” I wrote that down. I was like, “What else do I do? I want to be motivated. I want other people to be Motivated.” I wrote that down. I was then like, “What else?” I put Support. I was not putting any of the letters together. When I put it together, it came out HEMS, which is where the shirt came from. It’s for Help, Encourage, Motivate, and Support.

I’m always looking stuff up. When I looked it up, it said to show together or to close up frayed edges. I was like, “That’s perfect.” People are unhinged. They feel fragile. If I can help, encourage, motivate, and support them, I’m taking a little needle and thread, and trying to help sew back together those broken hearts, whatever that looks like.

People have niched down, and that’s great, especially what you’re doing, but I felt like I wanted to help everybody. I have a son that struggles with my mom leaving. I’m like, “How do I reach out to people like him?” I have nieces and nephews. They’re struggling with losing my mom. If I can help as much as I can or as many people as I can, that’s my goal. I haven’t been able to niche down yet.

That’s okay. Where can someone find your shirt if they wanted to purchase that?

I had them ordered. I ordered a bunch of them. I’m supposed to be setting up a shop. It’s never been about money, honestly. I like it as a conversation piece. People ask me, “Do you sew?” I’m like, “No,” and then I can explain to them. That’s coming soon. I haven’t gotten everything together yet.

If they wanted to contact you, is there an email address?

Yes. It is GoodGriefGreatMourning@gmail.com.

Thank you. What is your mother’s name? Can you want to share it with us?

Yeah. It’s Carol Patterson.

Carol passed in 2018. Your ex-spouse, what year did he pass?

2021.

When did Good Grief Great Mourning start?

It started probably around 2019. It was when COVID was beginning. I was at home more and was able to start sitting in my thoughts. Everybody had a chance to do that. I was journaling. Journaling started to be therapy for me. That’s when it started. It was 2019.

You were making videos and sharing. You said in the beginning that this is not your mode of operation. What makes a person that’s quiet and keeping to themselves be talking to the whole world about the most devastating experience in their life?

I was sitting there one day, and I kept seeing other people share their stories about different things. It could be being molested or being abused. I kept saying, “I’m no different. I have a story.” I started thinking, “You love your mom so much. Does she deserve to be hidden? Do you want the world to know about her?” It was more about me not wanting her to be forgotten. I did not want her to be forgotten. I’m like, “You’re the voice. Right now, nobody else is speaking. Don’t let her memory die out.”

That was where it started. I said, “If I can start here, maybe someone else will make the light shine on their loved one, and that’ll be therapy for them.” It was therapy for me while trying to be a servant to other people. That was what my goal was. I was never comfortable in front of the camera. I still haven’t gone live yet because I’m not 100% comfortable yet.

 

That means you’ll have to come join me. We’ll have a conversation and do that.

If I’m with someone else, it’s okay, but just me talking, sometimes, I feel ill-equipped.

You’re in the right spot because I think people that are too confident are in a different space. It comes off like that, and that’s not welcoming.

Not at all.

What I also hear is that grief will change you. Do you feel like grief has changed you? If so, how?

One thing is it has made me a little more vocal. I feel like it’s made me an introverted extrovert, if that makes sense.

Do explain. It doesn’t. Let’s go.

Before, I was more outgoing. I loved being around people. I still do, but I take things a little more seriously now. I tend to shy away from people. I feel like being about your business and getting things done because time is short. Only speak when it’s going to be profitable to someone or if it’s going to help someone. Laugh, joke, and have a good time, but get this done. I’ve changed in that way. Before, I was flying by the seat of my pants. Now, I’m very intentional about everything.

I feel like I’m more protective of my children. I feel like I don’t want anything to happen to me because I don’t want them to feel what I’m going through. Sometimes, I feel like I’m a little more nervous and a little more on edge. I’ve lost a ton of weight. I don’t eat any more than I used to. I probably eat less. The stress and grief has changed me. One thing I can say, and I mention this a lot, is that I am closer to God. I used to rely on my mother’s prayers and her spirituality. Now, I have to give it to myself. I’m also intentional about that. I’m growing more in God and my faith because I don’t have her to lean on anymore.

 

What I hear is death is imminent and you’re not wasting time.

None.

For someone that sees themselves different than when their loved one was here, what would you say to them? You happen to bump into them in the cookie aisle, and it happens to strike up a conversation. They say, “I don’t feel like the same person anymore since they died.”

I’ve had that question before. I had someone say, “You seem so confident. How do you gain your confidence back?” What I told them was, “It’s a lot of different things you have to think about or you want to consider. One, make sure you’re doing it for you. Don’t let the outside pressures of people determine what your confidence looks like.”

I used to be outgoing. People can say, “You’re not confident because you’re in the house.” My confidence is redefined. It’s repackaged. I’m confident about new things. I have a new normal. It doesn’t mean I don’t have confidence. I tell them, “Be careful saying that you don’t have confidence. It looks different.”

The other thing that I used to think is, “If I don’t do this, am I forgetting about my mom? If I move on and I do this, am I forgetting about my ex-husband?” You have to live on. They’re gone. There is nothing that we can do about that. It’s our responsibility to live on. What that looks like is going to be an individualized thing. Maybe the fact that you’re in the grocery store, you hadn’t done that in two weeks. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’ve done well. Your confidence looks different, so don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself grace is what I try to tell people.

Thank you. When you hear someone talking about grief now compared to when your mother or your ex-husband was alive and you hear those words, does it impact you to the heart differently than it did before?

Yeah. Even when I go to funerals, I find myself thinking about them. Before, I would go to a funeral, and I was laser-focused on the family and the person they’ve lost. Sometimes, I find my mind drifting off to them. You look at grief a lot different. I never, in life, thought that I would feel the weight of grief, especially from someone like my mom.

To be fully transparent, we thought my dad would pass before my mom. My dad will be 90 soon. He’s still moving around. The women love him. He loves company and companionship. He was the one that had a few health issues, so we were preparing ourselves and our hearts for my dad. To have the impact of my mom who was healthy, it lets you know life does what life does, and God is ultimately in control. I look at grief so much differently. You don’t know who and when. No matter how much you prepare, you’re never going to be fully prepared. It hits differently, though.

Were your parents together when your mom passed?

They were. They have been together for over 50 years.

What does it look like as the daughter watching your dad’s grief? How does that show up for him? Do you ever get a glimpse of it?

Initially, I had to find my new identity, and I had to allow him. I’m the baby, so I’ve always been the daddy’s girl. As soon as my mom passed away, I immediately rushed in to do everything that she would’ve done. To give you a quick background, my mom was the matriarch of the family. My dad is the type who’s going to say, “Here’s my check. Give me enough for gas snacks. I’m going to watch Cowboys, and I’m good.”

 

My mom was doing the banking stuff. She was doing all the things, so I did not think he would survive without her. I’m  like, “How is he going to make it?” He is a very smart man, but his education stopped at an eighth grade level. Due to that time, they had to do some different things. They worked for different sharecroppers and things, so he didn’t get a full education. They balanced each other. For me to see that, it was always amazing.

I felt like, “How is he going to survive without her?” I put my identity in making sure he was good. I was trying to create an identity for him, and he was trying to create a new identity for himself. It was a tug of war because I’m like, “Don’t go here. How are you going to do that by yourself?” He’s thinking, “I can do this.” It created a little resentment within me because I felt obligated to honor my mother by creating his identity instead of giving him the space to create his own.

Now, he’s good. I’m giving him the space. I still do certain things. He doesn’t cook, so I make sure that I cook for him, do all the laundry, and other things. He’s got his own identity, and it’s great. His doctors’ visits are great. His blood pressure and stuff is doing good. That was the struggle he was having before, so maybe him getting out and creating his own identity has helped.

Thank you for sharing that. One of the things that can be very stressful is when a family member passes. We all have different connections or relationships with that family member. Our grief populates differently. What I heard you saying is you were trying to have your dad’s grief show up in a particular way. When he didn’t, you were like, “What are we doing here?” You were trying to redirect him, and he was like, “I’m grown. I’m doing it the way I need to.” When you finally let him try to control it, there became a place of peace in all of that.

That’s so true. That’s exactly how it panned out. I always say our grief and our trauma helps people sometimes, and you don’t know it. I would share with a friend of mine, “I don’t like the fact that my dad is doing this now. I don’t like the fact that he’s going here. He’s older.” She would always say, “Leave your daddy alone.” I would get mad because I’m thinking, “You’re supposed to take my side.”

Our grief and trauma sometimes help other people even if we do not know it. Share on X

Here we are, fast forward seven years later. She called me and said, “I hope you’re okay with me sharing this with you.” She shared my story with a friend of hers who lost her mom. She said, “I shared with her the situation with your dad and how he was gaining his own wings. She got mad at me when I told her initially, but she came back and said, “Thank you for sharing that story about your friend’s mom and dad because I now have peace about my mother and my dad’s situation.” It made me smile. Sometimes, you get angry about certain things and you want people to take your side, but you don’t know how it’s going to help and who it’s going to help later on.

Thank you. Have you received messages from people who listen to your videos or anything like that? What does that look like for you?

Yeah. That’s what keeps me going. Grief is such a sensitive topic. Sometimes, I feel like if I don’t get the right amount of views, I’m like, “Stop. People don’t want to hear this.” Every time that happens, it’s almost like God is like, “Go check this inbox or check.” When I do, I see certain messages that stand out. I got one not long ago. I posted about it. I was struggling with what was going on in Texas, and feeling like I couldn’t do anything. I felt overwhelmed. It was like God was saying, “Do what you can do in your little circle.”

I reached out and sent a text message to someone. She lost her fiance. He was tragically killed in a car accident. I reached out to her and sent her a text message, saying, “I don’t want anything. I want to say I’m praying for you. I hope today is okay.” I encouraged her and her grief. She sent back a text message and said, “I had gotten out of the shower, and I was bawling. I was saying, ‘God, where are you? I feel abandoned.’ This could not have come at a better time.” I’m bawling. I’m like, “Ugh.”

It’s nothing in my own strength, but if we can simply reach out and simply check on people. I’ve coined the phrase live paycheck to paycheck, not financially, but emotionally. Check on yourself. Pay attention to your emotions every day, all day if you can. Pay attention to other people. Check on other people. If everybody does that, we would all be okay. That’s the reason I keep going. When I get text messages and responses like that, I’m like, “If I’m doing it for the one, then I’ll keep doing it for the one.”

Thank you. What does this look like now from 2022 to here we are, three years later in this process? What do you think about what it is you’re doing and how it’s impacting people?

I still don’t always know the direction I’m going, but in the beginning, I felt like there were so many hurting people. That was why I wanted to leverage social media because if it’s shared, reposted, or what have you, it’s helping people. I keep saying, “Take one step at a time.” While I’m helping people, it’s therapy for me. As long as I’m continuing to do what I think is supporting people, I’m going to keep having therapy. I have a daily therapy session with myself in helping other people.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve sat in front of people, and it has helped. I’ve sat in group sessions. Those are very helpful. When I hear that it’s helping other people, it helps me because I’m like, “I’m not alone, and I’m glad that they feel like they’re not alone.” I would love for this to be a nationwide thing. I would love for people to start small groups and keep helping. That’s my thing. Your platform is amazing. Things like that is what helps people who feel like they’re not safe. That was one of the things the young lady said. She said, “I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody. Nobody understood.”

As a matter of fact, she called me one day. She had me on FaceTime. I could see in the background that people were coming up and hugging her, and she was smiling. I was like, “This is the performance. This is what she has to do every day.” She was going home and she said, “I stay in a dark place. I live in a dark place.” She was glad to be able to have someone reach out to her and to be able to open up and talk about her grief. There are so many more out there we don’t know about or haven’t reached yet.

I would agree with that. The idea of being alone in a crowd of people and the idea of being alone and there are people around, when you hear that, what comes to mind for you?

Sadness. That’s the one thing that makes me sad. It’s feeling like people don’t know where to go. They don’t know what to do, or they feel trapped. I was there. I feel like I want them to feel the freedom that I felt once I started talking, and once I started opening up and being receptive to outside resources. Sometimes, they don’t know. It does make me sad to know that people don’t have a clue, or they feel like no one understands. That bothers me a lot.

What made you want to have this conversation with me?

My hope is that when it gets out, with something that I say or something that you say, someone can say, “There are safe spaces. There are places that I can go to. I’m not going through this by myself. I suppressed my grief. I compartmentalized my grief. I thought I was the only one. I’m not.” Sometimes, that lets them know, “There are other people out there like me. I’m not an alien out here in this world.” There are support groups that you can connect with.

It is amazing to think that in the history of humanity, people are dying. This is not a new concept. We seem to be so bad about being transparent, being vulnerable, and receiving help. Why do you think that is?

Culture, especially in men. They have been told, “Don’t cry about this. You’re a boy.” There are even certain family dynamics where it’s like, “Don’t you cry or this is going to happen.” We’ve been programmed to think, “You can’t let your feelings out because either you’re a wimp or you’re going to get in trouble. It’s not safe to open up. Don’t tell your business.” You think, “This is my business, so I can’t tell it. If I tell, someone’s going to look at me like something is wrong with me, even as an adult.”

I was using the analogy one day to someone. I said, “Have you ever been to a comedy show?” She said, “Yeah.” I said, “Have you laughed so hard that you’ve cried?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Did anybody say you’re a punk or a wimp? No. You were allowed to cry without thinking about anything. You laughed so hard that you cried with no judgment.

Those are the same tears. Why is it that you get judged for crying about grief or opening up about trauma, but not at a comedy show? You got to make it make sense. You should feel just as safe.” It’s a cultural thing, or things that’s been embedded in our mind, or taught to us at an early age, like, “Stay away from that. Don’t do that. Don’t do this.” You grow up as an adult, thinking, “I have to stay in that same mindset.” It’s not true.

You are breaking some of those bad cultural norms as it relates to profound grief. When you thought about having this conversation, which I thank you for having, were there some particular points or some other things that you wanted to make sure that we spoke about?

We covered it all. The thing I wanted to hone in on was connection, making sure people get connected and knowing they’re not alone. There are so many people out there that even contemplate taking their lives. We don’t want you to be in a space of darkness, thinking that there’s no one out there because there are plenty of people that are willing and ready to support you. You’re not by yourself. Every scenario, someone has been through somewhere.

You have to take a step in and ask, “Where do I go to get help? What’s comfortable for me?” Stay confident. Know what your confidence is and what it looks like. Know that it’s redefined or repackaged. It doesn’t have to look like what other people think. I believe we’ve covered everything. Keep living. I tell people, “If you take your life, that is a permanent solution for a temporary situation. Don’t take your life. There is help. There are resources out there.”

If you take your own life, it is either a permanent solution or a temporary situation. Do not even attempt to do it because there is always a lot of help out there. Share on X

Thank you. I have asked you a lot of questions. Are there any questions you want to ask me?

I feel like I know most of your business. Do you feel like you still have moments that you compartmentalize? If you have, do you have any residual effects from that? What do you deal with from that, if you do?

When I hear the term compartmentalized, I hear, am I pushing the grief away, putting it aside, and not dealing with it?

Did you do the beginning?

No. It was the polar opposite. My mouth was going. I consider myself a unicorn as it relates to grief. My family and friends showed up from the moment my husband passed, and they have been on deck ever since. When I started my show, the first people I had a conversation with were my siblings. The next group were my close friends because they were on ground zero with this scenario of my husband passing unexpectedly on vacation.

There may have been a small part in the beginning where I felt like maybe I was talking too much or oversharing. My youngest sister goes, “Your whole husband died. You need to talk about it.” That cut all those umbilical cords away from talking about not sharing. One of my girlfriends is on the board of Widowhood Real Talk with Tina. She said, “I had to know what this was. I had to know how bad this was because I’m your friend, and I love you. If you’re going to talk and you’re going to share, then that lets me know what this looks like, why you’re hurting, why I’m different, and all those things related to that.”

It is the eighth year of the passing of my late husband. Though I hold grief differently, I still hold grief. He died. I spent 32 years with that man. We had children together. We traveled the world. We served in the Army together. His death doesn’t make everything about him disappear. It means that his journey in this world is over, and I’m having to live past his existence. His deathversary and his birthday still rip me apart, so I take off work. I’m like, “I’m not going to be good to you, so I’m going to be so good to me.”

If it’s on a weekday, I take off work because I’m going to be dysfunctional. I’m going to be disassociating. I’m going to be thinking about all the birthdays we celebrated for him. I’m going to think about the events that led up to his death. That person isn’t trying to be nobody’s lead. That person is not fit to be anybody’s supervisor, answering questions, sitting in a meeting, and talking about some shenanigans I could care less about. I tap out.

This year, his birthday was on a Saturday. I went down to the beach and did a sunrise live. People met me there at 0 dark 30. It was the best thing to release, to talk about my husband, to talk about how I was feeling. I then spent the rest of the day with our son, doing Jeep stuff, because I have a Jeep Wrangler. We found different murals and took pictures of it.

I learned that in the 3rd or 4th year, nobody is working because this is a crap show. The best thing I can do is give myself space to look at photos because I can start feeling what I call my triggering season. That’s from February toward the end of February until June. March is when he passed. We had the nerve to get married the day after my birthday. Don’t do it. It took so long for me to enjoy my birthday. It then was our wedding anniversary, Mother’s Day, and then his birthday and Father’s Day.

Right after June, I started seeing the mail stacked up of different things that happened. The first two years between March and June, don’t talk to me because I wouldn’t know. I was a hot mess. Now, I’m functional. I see it coming over me. I clear out my calendar between March and June. If it is not necessary, you’re going to hear a lot of noes from me because I don’t have the bandwidth to give to anyone else but myself.

That’s good. I say that’s healthy selfishness. People have to do it. They have to realize it has to be done. I am curious. I know you say your husband understands the grief process from your previous husband. Was it always like that from day one? That’s a beautiful thing. We were having that conversation about relationships and men that are selfish. I’m like, “How do you process that? I don’t know.”

My current husband, my chapter two, while we were dating, went out to a restaurant with my sister. My sister lives next door. She lives in this area. We went out to a restaurant to eat, and then she went back to her place. We came to my place to watch some TV. I was getting some water or something for us to drink, and I was walking towards him. As I’m walking towards him, I go, “I’ve lived here for a year. This is not what I thought it was going to look like moving to Virginia.” Mark had already taken a job here, and I was trying to get a job here. I was like, “My husband died, and there’s a strange dude in this condo that I’ve lived in by myself.”

I’m looking at him, and I start bawling. He was watching television, and he looked at me. He comes over, takes the glass, puts them down, and goes, “What’s going on? Are you okay?” I was like, “You seem like a nice enough guy. This is the one year anniversary of me living here. Although I planned on moving here to Virginia, this is not how I thought it was going to be.”

He said, “You never have to worry about feeling bad about your husband. You had an amazing marriage. You had something I wish I had that most people do. Do you want me to stay? Do you want me to leave? Can I touch you? What do you want?” I was like, “This is how people get draws.” I’m over here, trying to keep myself together. At that moment, I was like, “We may have something here.”

I didn’t have to put on my dating profile, “I will always love my dead husband.” He had enough kahunas to understand me missing him doesn’t have anything to do with him. He showed up like that in the very initial part of our dating and has been that way going forward. I’m in a doctoral program. He’s like, “How much homework do you have? What are you doing? How’s this going to help your foundation?” He is my biggest cheerleader in what I do.

I did an episode with him and another gentleman that married a widow. Both of these men are confident about who they are. The spouse died. Who are you in competition with? I hear people that are divorced talk about their late spouse. Why do you think I’m not going to talk about my dead husband? I spent 32 years with him. We have two children. We had a whole life. Who I am for those 32 years was intertwined with his existence. I cannot hardly talk about Mark and not talk about myself.

When we’re around my friends that I have and there are Mark stories that come up, I see Fred leaning in, learning more about him, listening, or adding commentary. There’s never been a place about, “Don’t talk about him.” I don’t compare Fred to Mark. I didn’t try to make Fred a Mark Junior or do anything like that. I met him for the man that he was.

That’s good.

I love him. The woman that I am is not the same person I was with Mark because 32 years of living created who I am now. Surviving my husband’s death has changed me in such a way that who I am showing up with Fred is different. When that man got some clothes on the floor in the bathroom, I didn’t care. When that was Mark, I was like, “Can’t you pick up those clothes? Can’t you do that?” It’s the idea of something you said early on. Life is short. The likelihood of me being widowed twice and outliving him is a strong possibility. I’m not worrying about the draws on the floor. He also cooks.

That’s good.

The things I may have thought were things you have to be all in the tussy about, not so much.

I’ve learned that. What tools did you use for your children to get through losing their father? I know it looks different. My son was very close to my mom. He’s seventeen now. He was ten at the time. It was and is very traumatic for him. We have him in therapy. He said it is helpful. I had no clue that he was even thinking at a young age about ending his life. He didn’t tell me until four years later. What do you say to children going through that or as a parent going through that process with your children? What did that look like?

That is a good question. First of all, I say to the parents, “Your child is experiencing grief.” Kids go right back to school. They say kids are resilient, but their parent is gone, and they may not have the words for it. There are different organizations that are specific to children in grief. Find those organizations. Go to our website. Look them up on our website under resources. We have books to reference on dealing with grief with children.

Be proactive. If you are hurting and this person has the funeral, when everybody has gone home, you are left with the remnants of your life. Maybe your spouse took the kids to exercise, and you did this. Now, all that weight is on you. You are going to be under pressure. Your kids are probably going to have to pick up doing things they didn’t do because the dynamics of the household is different.

Give them space to talk. Reach out to groups of adults that are dealing with young children that are grieving. Those resources are on our website. Even though everyone’s journey may be different, you’ll be able to pick up little nuggets from each person’s story and situation and go, “That may work for this child. That may work for that child.” If you’re struggling for that, email me at WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com.

Unfortunately, I have different widows and widowers I know that have children in what they’ve done. I have a widow who was pregnant when her husband passed. I have a widow who had a toddler. The dynamics of connecting with someone that can resonate with how you feel, and not trauma bonding, but a healthy idea of people sharing coping skills and how you manage that so you can sustain on your own is empowering.

My children were adults. I know, for me, the first six months after their dad passed, I was silent. I didn’t have much to give to them because I was struggling on my own, trying to figure out what to do for Tina. Mark passed in March of 2017. In December, we got together for Christmas, and I apologized to them. I was like, “Your dad died, and I was dysfunctional.” I had to admit that for myself, like, “He died.” I know people die, but we sat in the front row.

I had to find myself again before I could find them. I had to be honest with them. I know some people cry in the shower or cry in their car. They find spaces where they can do that because it’s too much. I know some people hide their grief from their children. Some people find the space to share with their children. Some people go to therapy and all those different things.

Understand that each child is going to be different because they have a different relationship with that parent. Your grief and your child’s grief, it’s okay if it doesn’t look the same. It’s okay if all your children don’t grieve the same. Their parent is gone. Even if it was a good or bad relationship with the parent, their non-existence is impacting that child.

That’s good. You hit the nail on the head because that was me. I didn’t have a term at the time. I was doing it. I’m thinking, “Since I’m suppressing mine, I’m going to suppress everyone’s.” I forced my son. My daughter was born. I feel like God gave me my daughter, and then He received my mom. My daughter was a month and a half when my mom passed away.

 

 

During a lot of my pregnancy, I don’t remember going through that whole process of not believing that my mom could possibly not be here. Everything was a blur. After it happened, I said, “My son’s ten. He’ll go to school. With schoolwork, he won’t think about it. He’ll come home. He’ll play his game.” I felt like it would go away for him and I wouldn’t have to even have the conversation.

I don’t want people to feel like that is the case. There are so many children out there that are suffering from loss due to their parents not talking about it, not dealing with it, or not asking questions. I had to apologize to him, like you. I said, “I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt like if I didn’t talk about it to you, it would keep you from being sad. I realize now that was not the case.”

When he opened up and said, “I didn’t want to live if Nana wasn’t going to be here,” then I felt like the worst parent ever. Me trying to be the best parent and protecting him from grief ended up being I wasn’t such a great parent because I didn’t allow him the space he needed to get it out. I’m making up for that now. He kept saying, “It’s okay. You didn’t know. Thank you for getting me therapy.” At first, he was like, “Isn’t therapy for crazy people?” I’m like, “No.” He loves it. He has a great therapist. She can talk to him about things that I can’t necessarily get out of him or things he may want to cry in front of her and not me. That’s a good thing to do. Let your kids express grief and not try to save them from being sad because it doesn’t work.

Parents must allow their children to experience grief. Give them enough space to get it out. Share on X

You were the best parent you could be with the knowledge that you had. You did everything you knew to do based on that. As you learned more, you did something different. We try to assess our past situation based on our current knowledge. That’s like trying to tell somebody today what yesterday’s lottery’s numbers were. That is not how you win the lottery. I know yesterday’s lottery numbers, so can you say I’m a winner? If you knew what you knew now then, you would’ve done that, but all you had is what you had. As you learn more, you’re learning to do better with that information.

That’s true. Thank you for that. When he told me that that day, I was like, “I’m sorry.” I had a bawling session. I was like, “I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I thought this was the right way to do it.” I was trying to protect him, but trying to force him to do what I do, which is to protect ourselves from the hurt before it comes, wasn’t it. I’m still learning. This is a day-to-day process.

Not only are you learning, but you’re sharing with others. I want to thank you so much for this conversation. I’m going to say something to the readers, and then I would ask you to say whatever your final thoughts are, how people can reach you, and wrap up this conversation. I want to say thank you for being a part of this discussion. I am sorry for the loved one that you have lost that is no longer here, but I’m glad you found us. I know this conversation was helpful and encouraging.

Thank you so much again for the opportunity. There are many places that I could have sat for this conversation, but I intentionally sat in front of a clock. It doesn’t move. That’s what grief looks like. It feels like time has stopped. I want to let everyone know that even when it feels like that, we have to keep living.

Give yourself grace to go through the processes. If you go back two steps, it’s okay. Take another step the next day. The process has to keep going. Keep going. Don’t give up on life. Your loved ones wouldn’t want you to do that. Reach out for support. Accept connections. Even if you’re not a person that likes to be on camera like me, or if you’re introverted, there are places you can go to type. You can text or message people. Don’t go through it alone. Live paycheck to paycheck. Check on yourself and pay attention to your emotions emotionally, physically, and even spiritually on this grief journey. Keep going.

Thank you.

 

Important Links

• @GoodGriefGreatMourning on YouTube
• @GoodGriefGreatMourning on TikTok
• @GoodGrief_GreatMourning on Instagram
• Good Grief and Great Mournings with Asia and Alicia on Facebook
• Embracing New Beginnings After Loss: On Dating And Marrying A Widow With Fred Jackson And Lionel Grimes
• GoodGriefGreatMourning@gmail.com
• WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com

 

About Alicia Voss

Founder, Good Grief Great Mourning

My name is Alicia Voss, and I am the heart behind Good Grief Great Mourning, a platform born from my personal journey through loss. After my mother passed away in May 2018, I began a pursuit to help others navigate their own healing journeys through grief. As someone who has experienced deep loss—both as a daughter and as a divorced widow—I know firsthand how complex grief can be.

I am a mother of two, a published author, an entrepreneur, and above all, a woman of unwavering faith. Jesus Christ is the center of everything I do; He is the reason I’ve been able to find peace in the midst of pain and continue to walk in my purpose. Through my work, I aim to Help Encourage, motivate, and support those struggling with the weight of grief, reminding them that healing is possible and they are not alone.