Widowhood is often associated with brokenness, depression, and isolation. But amidst the loneliness after losing a loved one, there is one thing that will never go away: God’s presence. I sit down with Florine Hurdle, author of two amazing books about widowhood, who shares how her faith carried her through the lowest point of her grieving journey. She talks about her own widowhood community, where she leads a sisterhood that supports and guides each other towards personal growth. Florine also discusses why widows should never suppress their feelings of rediscovering love and why romance will always be part of their lives.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others. 

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World.

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Watch the episode here

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Embracing God’s Presence In Widowhood With Florine Hurdle

Hello, Widowhood. Our conversation with Florine Hurdle is going to be spicy. She is having a conversation about how we as widows are still alive in the thoughts of romance that still exist. In companion with that conversation is her second book, which is a conversation that allows people to support a widow in their first year. She provides extensive details on how to support a widow, a guide for clergy, and so much more. Let’s get into this conversation now.

Hello, Florine. Welcome to the Widowhood.

Hello, Miss Tina. I’m glad to be here.

People would say, “I’m glad to be in the widowhood.” Really? What’s the ticker tape? When you think of widowhood, what’s the first thing that comes to mind for you?

Initially, for me, widowhood is somebody who is in their 70s or 80s. She has lived some life, she has been to some places, she has done some things, accomplished some things, and she is rocking her crown of gray or silver hair. I’m saying your crown is looking good.

How Florine Became A Widow

What did it look like for you being in a widowhood?

For me, it was probably more of a shock. The initial, “Really? He’s not coming back? You’re kidding. No. This is somebody else’s life I’m living.” I think I’m in a movie. I’m portraying somebody else’s life. I’m acting this out to try to help somebody else.

Somebody may hear that, and they go, “She has to know it was a real thing,” or “Why could you not understand that that happened?” You talk about in one of your books, 0 to 100, they’re gone, they’re snatched, and there’s no return. Looking from the outside, before I was this close to it, I would have thought, “Okay,” but being in this space, I’m like, “Yeah, those are the things you think about. They’re on a work trip, you all play it.”

For me, my husband was a military veteran. I treated it as if he were on tour. He’s getting ready to walk through the door any minute, any day. He’s going to drag them money boots in here. I’m going to have to fuss at him and tell him, “Sir, please take your stuff to the garage. You’re making a mess.” That was for me.

How long, and still maybe now, to realize this is the reality? He is not coming home.

It’s probably a daily thing. It’s a moment-to-moment thing. That is because there are still triggers. There are still things that resurface, or maybe even for me, when I’m out and about, and I see a young Black man, bald-headed with a goatee. I don’t know that until he turns around, but even turning around, when you see this image, I’m like, “That’s not him.” There have been a couple of times that have happened to me where I’m like, “That’s not my husband,” because I was going to tap on his shoulder and be like, “Sir, turn around. Where have you been for the last almost eight years of my life? Don’t be a double agent.”

Eight years. We are in the same timeline of that process. If someone ever told me, flip into the future, Mark would be past eight years, and it would still be a part of me grieving him, I would say that makes no sense. Right now, I’m like, “This is forever.” This is a life journey. I say that from the perspective of someone who has remarried. That does not change it. What has widowhood been for you in the daily experience compared to someone you may have supported who lost a loved one before your husband passed?

Daily is choosing to live. Daily is choosing to say, “You got a whole son. You got to show him what it’s like to live for him, for his father, for your husband,” because I’m still carrying his good name. One of the things that I choose to tell myself daily is, “You still carry his name, not his name, but you’re a representative of the kingdom.” What does it look like to represent both God and him and honor them both daily? Choosing to live past the fact that I get to wake up with this pillow next to me every night and wake up every morning, it’s still a real thing. It’s not a dream. It’s my reality.

I think for me, it’s daily choosing to still go back to the same workplace that I was stuck at, where I could not get to my husband in time, walk past that section of cubicles every day, and say, “That’s where I was.” I couldn’t get out because I didn’t have the car that morning. He had dropped me off for work, went to his appointment at the VA, and said, “Babe, you better be out here at 4:00 when I pick you up.” I was like, “Babe, I can’t be out here and clock out at the same time at 4:00. It’s not happening.” “Give me a kiss and tell me that you love me,” only to know that is the last time that is imprinted on my mind daily when I get into the same vehicle and go to the same workplace. It’s a choice. I’m going to live, but how can I live in this state?

What’s your husband’s name, if you would share with us?

His name is Omar.

Look at that smile. I’m going to give you a little fun fact. I still carry my late husband’s last name. I’ll tell you, when I got married, I was at work, and one of my coworkers was like, “When are you going to change your last name?” I was like, “I did not factor this in.” We are on the upper side of 50, and also my children. This could be the deal breaker. We were out to eat, and I said, “What do you think about names and changing names?”

He goes, “Are you talking about changing your name? Your children would not have a parent in this world with the same last name.” I was like, “Daddy, see.” Afterwards, he goes, “You’re old to be doing all that.” I was like, “Didn’t ask you for that, sir. I asked you for a one-piece, not a two-piece,” but that is important to me. I was with my late husband for 32 years. I am Tina Fornwald. That is who I am. That’s not always a requirement. That’s a little nugget in there.

I appreciate it because you got all the nuggets.

Role Of Faith In Widowhood

You mentioned with such compassion about your faith. In this journey, there are some people that that is the last component of the grief journey that they don’t want to be involved. Was there a part of this where you were ever stepping away from God, or was that your stronghold?

There was for me when I went to the funeral, and they do that last walking past the casket when it’s open. You go first because you’re the wife. I stood there, I looked at him, and I said, “I want to make sure this is not a prank because if it is, it’s working. I don’t like you right now.” I had to make sure because he was such a prankster. He was my laughter. He was my medicine that made me smile and enjoy life. I did it at the viewing, and I had to make sure you were falling through.

What solidified it for me was that I placed my hand on his hand, and it was the coldest it had ever been. I said, “You’re not coming back.” I looked down at him, and I said, “I know that your body is here, but if the Lord said that you could stand here and witness all of this, I want you to know, I believe in resurrection, and I will see you again.” To me, death is a doorway, and you can choose by faith to walk to it and through it, or you can choose to close it and go the other way. For me, it was a life-or-death decision. It’s a fork in the road that we have to truly choose.

I chose God because I said, “God, you were the one who brought us through what we thought was the most horrific part of our marriage. If you can do that, I’m choosing you every time.” It was a daily thing. I talked to God daily. I’m giving you the business guide. You’re going to get my anger. You’re going to get my sadness. You’re going to get my happiness. You’re going to get my tears. You’re going to get me punching this pillow. There was a time when somebody took my child. He was turning eleven when it happened.

They said, “We’re going to take him for a couple of hours.” At first, I was like, “No, don’t do that. I need him.” There was a time when God was like, “I need you to let him go so that we can deal with each other one-on-one.” I literally stood in my house, and I yelled. I said, “You want to deal? I’m going to give it all. I’m going to be like Tarzan, I’m going to beat my chest, and I’m going to snot nose.” Those few hours at a time, I needed it. For me, truly being in his presence was everything. I do. I stand on God. I stand on my faith. I stand on the fact that Jesus said, “I am resurrection.”

That is so powerful. For the person tuning in to this, and they feel like God failed or personally attacked them by taking their loved one, what would you share with them?

I understand. I had those same feelings. I had that same anger, that same frustration, and that same disappointment. That’s what I would agree to because it’s going to take time, and it’s going to take a willingness on your part to let go. That’s going to be day-to-day and moment-to-moment. It was not an easy path for me either. There was a point where I crossed my arms at God, and I was like, “No. How? Why?” We were getting ready to live in our most pivotal, golden-year experience. We were going to raise Junior up, kick him out of the house, go to college or the military, or whatever. We’re going to live our golden years.

For you, the way that you’re feeling right now, I would say, it is legitimate. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Not right now,” but if you have faith before that was the size of a mustard seed, I say, “God is going to continue to pursue your heart because He loves you that much. He’s going to send people, and He’s going to send words of encouragement and your algorithm on your phone, your computer, or your device because He loves you.” That’s what I would say to that person.

I would agree with all of that. I’m going to take it a step further. For the clergy that has a person come into their office and express the same sentiment, and up until now, they’ve given pat answers or rhetoric, what would you offer them as far as how they can show up for that person?

Don’t give them clichés, and don’t give them, “It’s going to be all right.” Right now, I would say, don’t even give them the Bible because we don’t want to hear that. When it’s raw, fresh, and within that first year or two, we’re not trying to hear the Bible. Not at all. I had to seek the Bible for myself when I was ready. I would say, be there. Do the day in everyday conversation. Genuinely, when you ask, “How are you doing?” be open to receive what she has to say. Be open to her feelings and how raw they are in that moment.

Don’t say, “Everything’s going to be all right.” No, acknowledge what she’s saying. Acknowledge that she’s angry. Acknowledge that one minute she is sad, but then she remembers something good. She transferred. We can go from cold to hot real quick. In the drop of a dime, I could have all four seasons in one moment. Acknowledge that. As a leader in the body, we have to learn to be sensitive to acknowledging what is taking place first before we’re already formulating all the Bible verses that are going to support what she’s feeling. She doesn’t want to hear that. She wants you to be present. Sometimes, don’t say anything. Let her unload. A lot of times, we want to get it out. Once done, be like, “Okay.”

Writing ‘And Then She Bounced Back!’

Thank you for that. I hear that idea of holding a safe space, validating their feelings and emotions, and not judging them, letting it be because it is what it is. I’m going to make a pivot to the first book, And Then She Bounced Back!: Standing On Broken Pieces. Maya Tyler has been a guest on our show. She’s one of the contributing people here on your book. This is the cover. I have a few things that I want to pull out. I want to read a few things, and then, if you would share what you feel or where that stands with you now, what resonates.

This is in the foreword. It says, “My hope is that as you read the stories of overcoming obstacles, you are empowered to face your trauma from whatever might have tried to break you. My hope is that you have the courage like these ladies to stand on the broken pieces of your pain and declare healing despite your fears.”

When I hear that now, I think, you did make it to eight years. When I was writing that, I was within my second or third year, going into that time period. There was a widowed sister that I knew was in her eight- or nine-year mark. I was looking at her like, “I don’t think I’m going to make it that far. How am I supposed to live life without my life partner?” In thinking about pieces, that cover for me is everything. I’m so glad that we decided to go with it because when I was growing up, I was a huge Cinderella fan. That glass slipper meant everything when I was younger. Prince Charming is coming to my door, but we are going to do the thing, and I’m going to leave you out there.

When I think about that, though, and the shattering of that image, for me, that was shattering all the stereotype of every woman that has ever at that point existed in my mind, talking about Cinderella, talking about everybody in even now days, that we could ever live up to, but here’s the thing. The pieces for me that I stand on now, my pain, my broken heart, parenting solo, and trying to raise a boy who is now becoming a young man, it’s like God took those broken pieces and remolded them.

He says that I am the potter, and you are the clay. I feel like He took those pieces, and He’s making a new jar. He’s making a new pot where even in those cracks that are still there, like you said earlier, being a widow is going to be a part of my life because he was my love. Still, God’s glory will seep through those broken pieces because they’ll be for Him. That’s what makes me whole still. As I continue to grow, as I continue to not so much walk on these broken pieces now, I get to hold them, look at them, and say, “They’re still a part of me.” I can now look at them and smile versus look at them in frustration, in anger, and all those types of things. For me, it’s the remolding process. It’s the acknowledging that they’re there and knowing that they’re there, and I’m okay with it.

Thank you. The idea of not even being able to comprehend what’s possible. Someone goes, “You were two years out.” Surely, you could see that there’s some hope, but it is impossible to grasp. I was with the man I love. Life was good. I was happy. We’re serving God. We’re doing everything right. How could I ever want to smile again? Am I betraying him by even doing that? What does it look like that I could find a life that’s happy for me and be okay with it?

To smile again, I touched on that too in the book, about the smile. A lot of us don’t even want to say widow. A lot of us don’t even want to transition to single. When I had to file taxes, I was like, “Head of household? Single?” I get mad when they don’t even have the option for ‘widow.’ I want ‘widow’ when I want to have the option, because I’m not single. I think to encourage somebody who is in this waiver period of those types of questions, I would say take your time.

There is no right way or wrong way to this process. When you’re ready to say, “I’m a widow,” great. When you’re ready to say, “Head of household, okay, that’s where I’m at,” that’s great. It’s also tied into a lot of people asking about when is the right time to take off the wedding band? When are you going to get rid of his clothes in the closet? First of all, why are you in my closet? This is mine. Second of all, I’m going to take off the wedding band when I’m good and ready. I was good and ready around year five. I was okay with that. I still have his wedding band and my wedding band together. I don’t wear mine now because I have come to acknowledge my singleness.

Let me show you. These are our wedding bands. I had taken them to a jeweler and had them reshaped. The inner heart is my wedding band, and the outer heart is Mark’s wedding band.

That’s beautiful. That’s such a great idea. I love it.

Thank you. The idea of wearing it on a chain drew too much attention that I did not want from people. This, to me, feels more like continual love. I can wear this and never tell somebody it looks like a piece of jewelry, or I can choose to share the journey and what this represents. I didn’t want to put it away. The idea of when to take it off happened because where I worked, there were a lot of people that I would tour, and it always became a point of conversation. That did not fare well the first time somebody asked me. They got way more than they wanted.

I was like, “We need to not do that.” When I took it off, I wore this ring for 29 years, my finger was shriveled in the space. I cried, looking at my hand, and looking at that. I immediately went out and purchased another pair of jewelry just to put something on my finger. It wasn’t the wedding band. It is interesting. I think people ask us questions, and they’re trying to help us move along, but are they?

No. My wife’s sisters and I have decided we’re going to write a book, and we’re going to ask every widow. We might even co-author with some widows to be like, “Please tell us what is the most foolish thing.” Now, some get nasty. They’d be like, “Stupid thing that somebody has said to you in your journey that calls themselves helping you.” Don’t say stuff like, “It’s going to be okay. You’re young. You’ll find another.” When I say it took all of me, all of me, to not lose all that Jesus gave me that day. It was the day I put them in the ground. I’m sitting at the kitchen table.

“You’re young. You’ll find another.” I hate to go old school, but I had almost like a whole Beetlejuice exorcist moment where my head was going to spin and be like, “Have you lost your everlasting?” I stood up from the table, and I made it clear to all that could hear that what we were not going to do was talk about how I’m young and I’m going to find another. I put my whole everything, my husband, in the ground, and this is what we talk about? We’re not talking about anything like that until I’m good and ready to talk about it. I left the room.

Reflecting On the Song Of Solomon

In this book, in the shards of singleness, the Bible verse that you have listed here is Song of Solomon 1:2, King James Version. “‘Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine.’ Did you know that there was a whole book in the Bible dedicated to marital sex and romance? Oh yes, there is. I am not talking about the love chapter in First Corinthians. I’m talking about that pretty racy thing. Things that begin like, ‘One night as I lay in bed, I yearn for my lover.’ Song of Solomon 3:1.”

That can be hard, just hearing it. That book is fire. Let me preface with that context. If you want to turn up the flame in your marriage, I’m saying, go to this book. It will not fail you. It is a book that, when my husband and I had hit, where we were on the brink of divorce, and we were reestablishing our foundation, I was like, “God, if I’m going to give You everything, I’m going to give You all of me.” It was probably our twelfth wedding anniversary when I was like, “Lord, what can I do differently to continue to build trust, to communicate, to do all the things?” I was, in my words, white is on bread. I said, “What is this Song of Solomon?” I’m reading this now at night. It’s evening, 7:00 or 8:00. My soldier is asleep because he has to get up in the morning.

He’s peacefully sleeping. I’m sitting on the floor with my back leaned up against the bed, and I’m reading. I’m like, “Maybe I shouldn’t have read this. I’m on fire.” My whole insides are turning hot. I said, “I might need to tap him on the shoulder and be like, you got time? I need some resolve.” I read that, and I’m thinking to myself, why didn’t I read this before? Why was this not introduced to me when I first got married, or even in year five? Why are we not talking about this? Not only did I stumble upon that, but I had stumbled upon another book that talks about how we don’t talk about sex in church. I said, “We need to talk about this.”

The reason why I opened with that is because that’s exactly what I do every night, and what I’ve learned is that for most widows, that’s where we struggle the most at night. We got to climb into, not some, not all, that same bed, and that’s where I’m at. I climb into that same bed, and I’ve had to get new pillows. The body pillows don’t hold up long enough like they used to. They’re not as firm as a muscle lying on a chest or a bicep, or even hearing some lungs go. Not the same.

For me to open with that is because I want people to understand that the Bible, the Word, is everything for me. What has sustained me through this journey is finding all my answers, even when I have questions. There are others who had the same questions in there. Some didn’t have it all the way right, but King, you wrote this book right. I’m saying, if you need some words for a card, check this one out. I’m saying Hallmark got nothing on Song of Solomon.

“Cold turkey. Losing my husband meant I had to give up that cold turkey. No weaning, no warning, just 100 to 0, full stop, the end. One day, you were having that body-to-body contact and all that sweet and heavy breathing, and then nothing, snatched, gone.” I want to say this. People act like because your husband died, you still don’t get horny. You still don’t have desires. He died, not me. I was still used to whatever we were used to, and we were tripping inside. What would you say to that? What comes to mind now after reading it?

I’m still hot and burning. I’m learning, too. I’m in my 40s, and they say women in their 40s, their sex drive is up there, so I’m praying, “Lord, help me. Do we need to fast today because I’m hot? Do we need to fast because my anniversary is coming up? My birthday is coming up.” Let’s pray about this. There are times, though, when you could be minding your own good business. You’re cool, calm, and collected, nothing out of the ordinary, and then you get a whiff. You might see a body type similar to his physique, and then it’s like, “Where’s the fan because I’m hot?” That smell, that food, whatever it is, or sometimes, there was a period where I could not watch romance on a show or a movie because that’s a trigger. I’m like, “Fast forward or turn it off.” I can’t do it. My sex drive is all the way a lot.

I was dusty. Mark died, and I thought I was about to become a nun. In my mind, I was like, “He died. I’m probably going to have to sneak to another town because I don’t know how this is going to work. Reverend Tina should not be found in some place with somebody,” but there was nothing. I was like, “How? God is trying to keep me.” That’s what God is doing because I would be a hot mess. I’ve heard people talk about widow fire, all these other different things, and I was like, “This is boring. Maybe that left with him,” but the first time I met my current husband, she said, “Hey, girl. Right here. You’re going to be sad. Talk to me. I haven’t heard from you in years.”

That’s the olive.

I was like, “Now, I need me to pay attention. I don’t need you trying to get in the way. We have hope,” so it is possible for those who have been dusty. Moving on to the fire book, “I am longing for those sacred moments of physical romance. Brush here or a touch there, looks of longing, long sighs, and sweet gestures. It’s those that I want. The absence of routine and everyday physical connection is probably the most emotionally isolating aspect of this whole predicament.”

I still miss those moments. I do. Those are the ones that are the most sacred. When I’m sitting in the quiet, no electronics, no TV, I think about those moments. I think if you’re here right now, you’d be trying to slap my booty, or if you’re here right now, we might be cuddled up on the couch, and you would kiss me on my forehead. I don’t know what it is with these forehead kisses, but he would give them to me, and I’d be like, “That’s not fair. You’re showing me that I’m short.” He said, “Because you are to me.”

You remember those candid moments, and those are more than what sex can ever bring. Those are the memories that are imprinted on your mind more so than having that intimate moment with him. Yes, two bodies becoming one and all the goodness that comes with that, but for me, it’s those physical intimate moments that come to mind. When I think about him, it’s those hand-holding moments when we’re out in public, you decide to hold my hand, lock fingers, and say, “I love you because,” or you hold me in your arms like we’re two teenagers still. We are giddy in the mall, and they are looking at us like, “Disgusting.”

Those are the moments that I miss, and even our intellectual conversation that would stimulate my thought process, where you would be like, “This is the vision that I see.” I would be able to dissect it and ask questions on how I can continue to help this vision that you see, because I might not see all the details, but you do. Those types of moments are what I miss.

For the widow who is tuning in to this conversation, and she has felt ashamed for feeling this way in her husband’s passing, what would you share with her?

I would say, first of all, there is no shame in that. You are allowed to cherish those moments. It’s okay to hold on to those. Those are your most sacred memories. I almost call them a glass jar or a glass box, and you keep those in there. It’s almost like your heart. That’s what that is, and it’s okay to express those. It’s okay to share those with the appropriate audience because not everybody is going to understand that type of expression. I would encourage her to share those in her therapy session. Share those with a trusted friend. If she’s in a widow community, she can share them there because we understand. If she doesn’t have community, that’s when I would encourage her to find someone who is also a widow, because she would understand.

Dreaming Of Another Man

Very wise words. My last highlight for this part of this book, “As I am doing this, there was a night when I went to sleep, and I had a dream. I know that it’s common to dream, but this dream was different because I didn’t dream about my husband. I dreamt about another man. (Yes, a man that I knew!) And no, we didn’t have sex. All that happened was that we had a conversation and laughed together. That was it.”

“It was like God was showing me three things with this dream. One, He answered my prayers. I was in the right place by putting myself out there and being in the environment of other single people. He answered my doubt, confirming that no, He did not make mistakes in the timing of my singleness. Number three, He was letting me know it was okay to entertain the idea of another man, that it could be fun, wholesome, and welcome in my spirit if I just gave it a chance.”

That was when I realized that I was not dead. That’s when I realized that it was an awakening. It’s the feeling that it is. My son dubbed that season, where I felt like there was nothing. He called it my cobweb season. Sir, not nice. I went to sleep at night, but I sat up. It’s like a mummy experience. You’re like, “What happened? That was not my husband,” but the beauty of course in that is while it was somebody that I was familiar with, it was okay because God, what you’re showing me is it’s okay to talk to the opposite sex. I don’t have to shy away from it. Now, am I going to be a little awkward? Probably, I was. Sometimes, I still am until I can realize to get my bearings, like, “Girl, you are a whole human. You can talk. You can do this.”

It’s so weird, though.

It is, and once I came to the realization that you don’t have to impress anybody, then it worked. For me, that dream triggered some things that I could go before God. I’m a dream journal girl. I wrote it all down, all the details and what I was feeling, and so I would encourage somebody else who maybe is dreaming. Keep a dream journal next to your bed with a pen and paper because dreams are important. A lot of times, God is speaking to you through them, whether that’s to warn you, to confirm some things, or to encourage your heart. That was an encouragement for me to say you are all the way human, you are all the way still alive, your blood still flows from your head to your feet, and even in those important parts.

Take a sip, honey, because you’re all the way alive. It’s amazing the when and the how God will do that for you, and everybody’s will be different. Yours was different, mine was different, and the person who reads this, theirs will be different. It’s going to be able to illuminate for you the essence of “My insides still work. I still get butterflies. I can still talk to the other sex. I can do this.”

Leading A Widowhood Community

Before we move on to book two, can you share how people can contact you, where they can find your book, and other things you’re doing in the widow community?

The book is on Amazon, or you can go to my Instagram page. Don’t laugh. Don’t judge, but I’m @Flo2Litt. You can go to my bio up there. You can order the book through me personally and get an autographed copy if you’d like. I also have Facebook, and that’s my name, Florine Hurdle, if you so desire to connect with me there. Now, as far as other things that I’m doing, of course, I’m super excited. I do partner with God, and I lead a widow’s ministry as well. I’m honoring my ladies tonight. I told them I would wear our newest shirt. Of course, that says W.I.F.E. on the shirts.

I want one of those.

That stands for Widows Igniting the Flame of Excellence. That is our sisterhood, and I have been doing this now for about seven out of the eight years that I have been a widow. I have enjoyed my relationship with God through this whole process. Right now, we have a community of probably about 40 ladies, and they are stretched right now across the United States, something I thought I would never say. I got a sense of Him. I was all the way in my dwelling space. I came back from my first cruise in January, and He was like, “Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.”

I felt like I was onboarding a new sister, one or two every week. That’s what it feels like, and they were all the way stretched across. I have a sister in New Jersey, a couple of them in Georgia, and a couple of them in Florida. I have the privilege of having one all the way in Hawaii. I said, “Girl, I’m going to see you. You teach me some lessons.”

Have you ever been to Hawaii?

Never been.

It is my favorite place. If you’re booking a ticket, please let me know. I’m here to be a travel partner. I have probably been there 3 or 4 times, my favorite place. How would one become part of your organization? How do they come from the ways you mentioned about connecting with you?

They would send me a message, either on Instagram or on Facebook, and that would be the best way to reach out to me concerning if you would love to be a part of our ministry. We can go from there. I will get you our Google Doc form with your information, and go from there.

Writing ‘Widow Care Initiative’

Thank you for sharing that. The second book we have here is the Widow Care Initiative: A Step-by-Step Guide for Developing Widow Ministries. What was the genesis of this book?

The genesis is that God kept putting in front of me not only my W.I.F.E. sisters’ stories that I remember hearing, but as I was constantly, through these years, hearing how my sisters were not being properly cared for. It was this burning sensation that I didn’t understand at first. I’m like, “Why do you keep bringing this to me? What do you want to do about this, God? How can we together show others what it truly means to properly care for the widow, because the Word of God says that? It bleeds throughout the whole Bible, and I’m saying we’re in there. We got a whole book called Ruth, Exhibit A.

Even in the book of James, it talks about how God says in the word that pure and genuine religion is in caring for the orphans and the widows. Of course, Paul is assisting Pastor Timothy, and he gives almost a whole chapter during his time period on what that looks like to care for the widow because the Church, the Body, is supposed to care for a widow who is in dire need. God continued to show me, like, “We’ve got to do something about this,” because we’re bleeding in this area. I say bleeding because to me, while we appreciate the meal train for two months, you check the box, you helped create a meal, or you sent a gift card for a meal, she doesn’t start living until after the meal train stops. That, for me, is where the essence of this book came from.

We have to be able to understand that her first year is a blur. Her first year, she’s like, “Is this happening? Did we have life insurance? Am I getting a lump sum? He didn’t have any life insurance. Can I still afford to live where we live? I have children and activities that are clear across two parts of the city. I got one in soccer, one in this. She’s like, “How am I going to figure this out?” Now, family, if they’re close by, wonderful, but oftentimes we don’t live that close to family because we have our own family, and so now she’s sitting at the dining room table. “What are we going to do? How are we going to do this? My husband used to take care of the car.” I had a whole moment Saturday, where I was like, “I’m tired of going oil change.”

They want to ask you, “Do you want to sell your car?” No, unless we are doing a fair trade. I said if you are going to give me no car payments, we can talk. I’m saying. I know not everybody is privileged yet to be debt-free of their car payment, but I’m saying that’s a huge win. For me, where this came from is what can we as the Body do beyond the meal train, at least for her first year, so she can get her bearings on understanding, you are now the sole breadwinner for yourself, if it’s just you, or for you and your fur babies? Some of us have fur babies or pets. Some of us have children. We’re not thinking beyond that they need food. That is what I sat down and was like, “God, how are we going to do this?”

Excellent point because once the funeral is over, life is demanding. You had this two-person existence in life. Who’s taking out the trash? They did that. Who is going to shovel the snow? Who is going to do all those other things? Who’s going to go grocery shopping if I’m cooking? You are still grasping with the reality that my husband died. The sun is getting up every day, you have to go back to work, and all of those different things. It is so much.

I was going to read the purpose of the manual, but even though you went over the widowhood, I’m going to read it anyway. “This book was written to provide guidance on how to care for widows during the first year of loss, how to set up supportive systems, goals, and activities for your ministry, and how to create an effective supportive and well-rounded movement that not only supports widows but changes how widowhood in your community experience it.” Can a church or somebody reach out, or do you come and do speaking engagements and show them how, or do a workshop for them with this book?

I would be totally honored and open to that because I think it’s essential and it’s important. I know that there are widows in every little piece of the Body. For me, coming to partner with you and show you this is easier than you think it is, is what I want to explore in this manual. That’s why it’s written, if you’ve got 100 people or you’ve got 100,000, it’s that easy.

It’s step by step in there starting with yes, we’re going to acknowledge that she all the way lost her husband, but now, you get to formulate a care team, or if you already have something like a care team implement it, now you guys can sit down and say, “How can we be more proactive than reactive the next time this happens? How can we fill in the gap?” That’s what this is for. I would be honored to come and walk you through the steps. I’m actually in the process of helping someone now get things started and get things moving. That way, they can have a safe space but also a soft landing for where she knows she can go when all is said and done.

The reality is that it is the goal. We stand before our congregation, our family, and friends and make this vow “Til death do us part,” so if we have a marriage ministry, we should have this type of ministry to complement the inevitable. It’s not if something happens. The idea, we would rather end in this than divorce; this is what the goal looks like.

That’s where this burning for me is. When I say burn, it’s not like hot because I’m in seven. It’s that burn of, “God, how can we do better?” Once you know better, there are no excuses. If we are all the way whooping and hollering for our singles who are waiting to be married, and I say in some places, we’re helping them to prepare, that’s a whole other conversation, but we are guiding them and telling them, “Marriage, marriage, marriage.” Can we rest a little bit? Can we understand that and acknowledge that piece quickly? It’s okay to be single. I need people to understand, and rest assured, it is okay to be single. Be okay with yourself first.

I learned recently that once you are okay and at peace with yourself, when it’s time, God will send. You do not have to worry. Live your whole life. Live it to the full with it. We talk about marriage, and I’m going to be the first to acknowledge, when I got married, honey, you couldn’t tell me anything. I was wife with the ring. I felt like I rocked, and then you say the vows. We’re going to hit them periods, but here’s one piece of advice that my mother loved, which I will give honor because we are walking into Mother’s Day weekend. She told me early on, when we hit a rough patch before we hit the rough patch, “You are going to experience every single one of those vows throughout your life with this son of mine. Whether you like it or not, put your feelings to the side. You’re going to experience those.”

When you’re young and in your 20s, you’re like, “Yeah. Okay.” Right now, we are in the blissful honeymoon stage. We argued, we got over it. When life hits, you hit every single one of them vows, but then when you hit “Til death do us part,” the wake-up call is like, “She meant that thing.” That was real counsel that set in. For me, the one piece that we don’t do across the pulpit is we hoop and holler, “Where my single people at?” We then say, “Where are my married people at?” I’m neither one of them. How about we say, “Can we take a moment of silence to honor and to recognize our brothers and our sisters who are widows?”

The reality is we are the goal. If you want to highlight sustaining this good marriage, you want the singles to aspire to get married. What happens when you have accomplished all of those things? What does that look like? Because now, you have an opportunity to go, “He did ’til death do you part. She did ’til death do you part.” There are some nuggets to get over there. How did you do that thing, because ten other people got divorced? How were you able to maintain that rigor, good, bad, highs, lows? Don’t want to be bothered. I like you. No, I don’t like you, but we committed to this. Those are the treasures that are missed because we have done a whole dang gone thing.

A whole. Not a 180, a whole 360. That’s one of the things that I tell my W.I.F.E. sisters. I always encourage them every time I can to remind them that, “You get the privilege now to speak across the board to a single young lady, encourage a single young man, encourage husband and wife, and encourage us, your sisters, who are in this with you, because you have lived all of that. You are now a pillar in your community, in the Body, because you’ve done that.”

The Widow Care Outline Process

This has been such a rich conversation, but I want to talk lastly about the sample widow care outline process. Step 1) Assess the general needs. Step 2) Build a support team. Step 3) Create awareness. Step 4) Develop outreach programs. Step 5) Provide support services. Step 6) Establish support groups. Step 7) Ensure spiritual support. Step 8) Educate the congregation. Step 9) Monitor and evaluate. Step 10) Celebrate and recognize. There are subcategories here in describing this at length, but what made you cheer when I mentioned these, of all the things in the book?

Because it’s the outline. It’s the process. Even when you get down to the nitty gritty, for me, it’s about the widow’s needs assessment. All together combined with that, it’s like, those that like pie, you can say pie or cake, whatever your favorite dessert is. That fullness thereof that you took the time now to read this, to take it in. One of the feedback that I got from a young lady who’s not a widow, but her heart was moved to care for a widow, she got hold of the book.

She said, “I read the first pages, and I couldn’t put it down. I kept reading. I had to get paper and pen because then it was like the Holy Spirit was giving me ideas of the things that we could do and the things we can do. I wrote this whole long thing down. I submitted it to my pastor’s wife and was like, ‘We got to do this.’ I’m so glad that you wrote this book.” That type of reaction and to have the ideas to get things started, and then allow the Holy Spirit to take over, that’s what I want. That was the goal because I said, “God, I would have never written this book.”

I had this moment where it was, “God, if we are going to write this book, you know how you said all scripture was God-breathed, I’m going to need you to breathe on these pages. I’m going to need you to take the pen and my fingers and do what it is that you desire to do,” because, for real, the author needs to say, “God.” It doesn’t need to say even me. That, for me, is what this is. God, You wrote this because You saw the need that needs to be taken care of for Your elite. To me, He has dubbed us as His elite. How are we caring for the elite? We weren’t, and we’re not in some cases and some areas.

Now, I’m like, “God, now they don’t have any excuse. Wherever you want this book to go and to reach and to whom you place it in their hands, God, bless them. Now that you have opened their eyes and their ears to see and to hear, Holy Spirit, speak to them.” That’s why every time, for me, you’ll notice I’m praying in there, in my chapter. In this Widow Care Initiative, we need to open up in prayer because I need your heart to be set right and your spirit to receive. I’ve had a couple of leaders who have gotten and said, “I felt conviction.” I said, “That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. That wasn’t mine. I’m going to let Him handle that. I have no words for that. Conviction is between you and God.”

Widowers, You Are Not Neglected

Amen. I am so grateful to have this conversation with you. I’ve asked you a lot of questions. Did we cover everything that you thought you wanted to go over in this discussion?

I would like to say one more thing. The last thing I want to say is, I want to encourage our widow community, but also the widower community. While we as widows may feel like we are overlooked, I also want to admonish and say, brothers who are widowers, we see you and we hear you. This book, while it has ‘widow’ on it, can be implemented for our brothers, too. If you see it, it bridges the gap to where it causes us as the Body to come together to serve one another, like they did back in the times of the book of Acts.

It’s where we might not be selling our things, but we might. There are some that have to sell some of their furniture to get new furniture or to get rid of it because they’re getting new, or whatever. It caused me to look like we could become the Church again and be leading in this area, versus, I wouldn’t say fail, just do better. I want to encourage us as a Body to say, “Yes, we can do this together.” Let’s partner with one another and serve one another again as a whole. It doesn’t matter if you’re a widow, married, single, a brother, or a sister. We can come together and lead in this. That way, we become, again, the standard to the world and not the world to us.

Florine, if you were able to maintain everything you have experienced in the past eight years, and you could talk to yourself the day after Omar passed, what would you tell yourself?

I would say, don’t give up. There is better.

Questions For Tina

Thank you. Now, I’m going to do something a little different. Any questions you have for me? I try to give my guests an opportunity to flip the script a little bit.

Flip the script. Absolutely. I do have. You know how you were prepared? I have two questions. One is when did you know that you should be the voice for Tina and Widowhood in your show?

My current husband had a cousin who passed, and he went to the funeral. I was not able to go at that time. I had a procedure done, and I couldn’t travel. I eventually was able to travel to the same area, and I met the widow and his cousin. He was grilling me on it, but whole other story. I was able to meet her in person. Forward, it was her husband’s first birthday since he had passed. I reached out to her, and I saw the post. I texted her. I said, “You want to talk?” She goes, “No, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I said, explained, and reminded her, “This is a path I have traveled. If you want to share, I’m here.” She called me, and we stayed on the phone way past my bedtime. I knew what it was like to be in a space where I didn’t have to qualify my words or validate. I could have that raw conversation because somebody else understood that without me trying not to, “It doesn’t mean this, but it does mean this,” and talk. Holding that space has been done for me, and I wanted to do that. We got off the phone.

God said, “What are you going to do with the next person?” I said, “Nobody is calling me this late. What are we talking about? If they do, they are going to get the ‘do not disturb’ because check, check, we’re out.” God was like, “No, the next person that needs.” You’re only one person. You’re only so thin. This is important to me. My whole husband died. I don’t need to be the tether to somebody else. When you become widowed, you are trying to remember your own voice, your confidence, and the ability that I now need to stand firm in my own ability.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to create a system that would make me the focal point, but a system that would create community, encourage people, and remind them that they are still capable. My mother, who was 80, had a podcast. God was like, “What about a podcast?” I was like, “ I got a full-time job. Where are we going to have time for all of that? I don’t know how that works.” The one thing I have learned, this life has an ending. When I get there, I don’t want that I was arguing and whining with God about things that He was telling me to do.

“If you’re going to tell me to do this, then here we go. God, I’m going to do this.” It wasn’t just doing something. It was doing something in excellence because we’re talking about dead stuff. Nobody wants to do that, so God connected me with a company that does our editing and does everything. I was like, “Did you see the price tag for all this stuff? Lower. How did that work, though?” Here I am, still trying to negotiate. I called to put my current husband on my health insurance. The company said, “Ma’am, your husband’s on the insurance.”

I was like, “This is awkward. What name have you got on there?” I had never taken Mark off. Not only that, they refunded me for Mark’s passing, this is now three years later, for the delta of what I paid. That amount was the exact amount for the startup equipment that I needed to do this. I was like, “I guess we are about to start a nonprofit and do a podcast. I cannot back out of this.”

Now, with all that evidence and all that proof, for sure. My last question is, what would you tell a widow who is walking in this journey, where she’s like, “I do see myself with a companion, and I do want to date again, maybe even get married again.”? What would you say as a form of encouragement to her heart?

That is an excellent question because even if you don’t want to get married, it’s a question that hovers in the community. We’re like, “Girl, what do you think about that?” First of all, love yourself. Make yourself a priority. Make yourself the whole dang gone thing. Make sure that you will come to a place in dealing with your husband’s passing that you come to go, “This was his time. This was the situation.” Your husband could have been murdered. It could have been a fentanyl overdose. It could have been so many different things, but his time in this world is complete. Come to a place where you find your own joy and happiness in the version of life that you are in now.

Do not rest that responsibility on finding the right person again because now you’ve given your power to somebody else, and being tethered to your happiness to only then, because that is a space for you and God. That is not a space to give to somebody else. I don’t say this lightly. This was my process to pray because the one thing was that I had a good marriage. I was not trying to be out here because I’m about to be thirsty, need some thighs, and be having a bad marriage, then we got divorced, and I’m pissed because I should have minded my business because I wanted to get laid and get do something.

I had to examine for myself what the purpose was that I was dating. I wanted to get remarried. The other thing that you talked about, what am I looking for? My daughter asked me that she said, “Mom, what is it different now, dating, than when you were looking for Dad?” That was 18-year-old Tina in the military, wanting to get somebody. We were going to have children. I do not even have a uterus. Nobody is having babies on this round. That’s not on the table.

I have been through breast cancer. We didn’t push out a couple of babies. You have to show somebody this. I’ve been with the same dude for 32 years. What, hold my hand? That felt weird. By the grace of God, I was not in a situation where I needed anybody to take care of me. My husband and I had made an intentional plan that when the inevitable happened, the other person would be secure. I still work the job. That took the pressure off of me economically to not have to rush out and try to find somebody to meet some realistic human needs to be able to provide and take care of myself.

If that’s what you’re dealing with, maybe to see what needs to downsize financially, you don’t push yourself into a relationship that’s not sustainable. In my dating experience, I made accountability with my sisters to be involved in it. I’m one of five siblings. There are four girls and one brother. A dating app? I’m in my house. We lived in the same barracks. What are we doing online? I’m not here making a profile. My sisters are looking like, “Don’t say that. You say too much,” and all this other stuff, but they had been single.

I had been the only sibling who was married. I was like, “Help,” and I let my friends be involved in that process. It’s like, “Anybody doing that?” “What? No.” I let them be a voice in the process. I had an accountability group and friends who loved me enough to know I was still living, but trying to make sure they were the outside eyes of what I was not seeing. I understand this little journey has the potential to lose a friendship. It has the potential for relationships to change. That was not my story. My friends and family have leaned in and stayed there.

I had them rest in this process. If you have adult children, I wasn’t asking for their permission, but I was telling them, “This is what’s about to happen.” That was, for me, important. Having smaller children, there’s something else to navigate as far as when you want someone to be in your children’s lives. How do you want to involve them? The other thing, do not give your wife energy to a girlfriend’s space. We are accustomed to having our wives’ posture. Knowing how to date somebody because they look cute, or you like them, you can’t be giving them everything that comes off as sketchy in this society.

“I like them. They like me,” but you don’t know them yet. It takes time. We yearn to be in that space, and we can start giving somebody too much space clout that they have not earned yet. To take time to develop a relationship, ask them questions. Find out about them and know what you want. You can say swipe left because dating is a job interview. Those good job interviews, you have to have the panel conversation, and other different stuff. If you go on, “I think, baby, we are too grown to think anything either. I told you, and you said something to me, or it does not exist. Are we monogamous? Were you always a dude? I want to know every different thing.” Ask somebody their credit score. Meet their family.

Whatever those questions are for you, bring your whole voice because we have buried a husband. For my sister, who was in a bad marriage, it could be a gunshot. Put yourself back out there because you may be relieved that you didn’t have to get a divorce, and the marriage ended this way, but you may be shy and apprehensive about being put in a bad situation. This is where you need to pray and check into what the spirit of God is telling you and guiding you. We can’t be like, “I trust God with my time, but I’m not going to trust Him with my life over here.” I need Him in everything. Those would be the things that come to mind that were part of my journey that I found helpful.

That’s wonderful. I appreciate it. I know that whoever is tuning in is going to eat it up.

Episode Wrap-up And Closing Words

Thank you for this conversation. I want to say something to our audience, and then I would like you to close out with any final comments. I want to say thank you for being part of this conversation. I am so sorry for the person that you have lost who has drawn you here, but I’m glad that you found this. I know this conversation will be empowering. I look forward to speaking with you next week.

I want to say thank you so much, Tina, for having me. I’m grateful to be able to share. I’m always hopeful for the one for whom this made a difference. Know that God is going to bless you, keep you, and He’s going to protect you in any means. By all means, He loves you. Thanks, Tina.

Thank you.

Important Links

• Florine Hurdle on Instagram
• Florine Hurdle on Facebook
• HurdleFlorine@Gmail.com
• And Then She Bounced Back!: Standing On Broken Pieces
• Widow Care Initiative: A Step-by-Step Guide for Developing Widow Ministries
• Why Widows Do Bounce Back With Your Favorite Widow Coach, Maya Tyler

About Florine Hurdle

Two-Time Best-Selling Author | Leader of the Widows Igniting the Flame of Excellence (W.I.F.E.) Group | Mother

Born in Berlin, Germany, Florine Hurdle holds a Bachelor of Science in Communications from Austin Peay State University. As a widowed woman herself, she is a passionate advocate for the widowed community; her primary mission is to direct individuals back to Jesus while ensuring they receive the care and support they deserve. Florine is well-regarded for her commitment to prayer and uplifting those around her, often starting conversations with a heartfelt, “Let us pray.”

Florine’s dynamic presence infuses any environment with excitement, enthusiasm, and energy. She is dedicated to bringing out the best in everyone she encounters, creating a positive impact on their lives.