Marketta Davis had nothing to her name when she agreed to marry Danny. All that mattered to her was to be with the man he truly loved. But while she was pregnant with their child, her husband transitioned and left her all alone. In this first part of our conversation, she looks back on her fondest memories with Danny and how she literally became a black widow. Marketta shares how the two of them got through their biggest problems with finances and fertility, making their bond stronger and more meaningful than ever before. She also opens up about her personal battle with bipolar disorder and her realizations about entering a mental institution.
I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.
Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide.
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Listen to the podcast here
Experiences Of A Black Widow With Marketta Davis Part 1
Marketta, welcome to the show.
Thank you.
When you heard that, what came to your mind?
The club that I never asked to join.
Looking Back
That is a very common saying in the community. We’re here, but nobody wants to be here. What was life before your spouse? Who was Marketta? Where are you from and what do you like doing?
I’m a military brat. I moved around with my dad, who was in the Marine Corps, and then I married into the military.
Before we get to that because you were like a whole person before that.
I’m giving you the window. Between that time, it’s always been the military. That’s what I’ve known. DOD schools, friends on base, traveling. We were stationed in Okinawa, Japan, at one point. A lot of my life was military life. I came to appreciate other cultures, different people and traveling. That was me. I was always an introverted extrovert. I sat back in the cut, but if it came to something that I liked, I was all in.
I was captain of a junior varsity basketball team. I was captain of the cheerleading team. I was on the tennis team. I was part of the National Junior Honor Society. I was a band nerd. That’s a huge part of my identity. I still have my flute. I joined an orchestra as an adult. That’s pretty much been me. A lot of people know me as this weird, quirky, dark-humored girl, which I wear with a badge of honor, but that didn’t come until later.
How long have you played a flute?
I started in middle school up through high school. I’ve won national competitions. I played in Japan. I got a full scholarship to the University of Mississippi, a marching band scholarship.
You were in there. Any adult-type music in your life?
I was in the orchestra for a little while because there ares always community orchestras most of the time. I want to pick that backup. It was a place of solace as an adult. I did play for a little while after college.
You talked about being nerdy. What does that look like from your perspective for you?
Back when the nerdy was school and grades. I once went to summer school by choice.
That’s a whole other level.
I didn’t know that it was what it was. I thought if you wanted to go further or get ahead, that’s what it was. My mom just let me go. I met a lot of awesome people.
What grade was that?
It was in elementary school.
That time going to summer school was because you were flunking out. You weren’t making the right grades; you were doing that to try to stay in the right grade and catch up for a class that you didn’t do well in. I dare say this is a different caliber of people that you happen to connect with it. If you didn’t go to summer school, you would’ve never been in the same flow with them.
I enjoyed it, too. I was puzzled once I got there and saw who I was around, as if they did not want to be there. I’m like, “Why? It’s fun. I made some good friends.”
What was college like for you? Did you go right after high school or what did that look like?
Let me first preface this by saying I was very sheltered growing up. I wasn’t even allowed to date until I was a student.
It sounds like you got buck wild. Let’s get to it.
With that being said, I’ve also always been a romantic. When I found someone in college, I thought,
“This is it. This is who I’m going to marry.” That’s that. I got my heart broken pretty badly. I went through some dark times in college. One of my mom and my grandmother’s biggest fears for me was that my heart would be my downfall. That’s pretty much what happened. Before I married, I did not have the typical college experience because all my time went toward the boy. When I got married, I traveled around a lot during the remainder of my college. That’s when I decided I wanted some of that real experience back.
Heartbroken People And Parents
That’s fair. Broken heart syndrome in college is a very common thing that happens. It does lead to something you mentioned: from not having that dating experience and independence, then we’re in a place, and we go all in because we haven’t had that step up into it, that gradual experience. It’s like the doors are open, and it’s falling in. I would like for you to consider speaking to two groups of people right now. First, the person that has had the boy’s experience and their heart has been broken. They haven’t returned to college, and they’re feeling like trash. I want you to talk to them.
The person that has had their heart broken and didn’t go back to college, that person my age?
No. They’re in that moment right now.
Go to trade school. Forget them. They make more money anyway.
That’s some truth. Something to think about.
I wish I hadn’t known there were other pathways than traditional college, but what I would tell that person is, “Don’t lose who you are. I got so wrapped up in love and being with another person I completely lost my identity. So much so that I didn’t know who I was anymore when that person was out of my life. Don’t lose your identity. Realize that you have this window of no real responsibilities, no bills, no nothing. All you have to do is go to school and study. Take advantage of the time, the experiences and make memories with your friends. Don’t be afraid to try new things, but don’t get wrapped up in one person so much so that you lose focus, have tunnel vision or forget who you are.”
What would you say to the parent of that person that’s experiencing that?
What my mom had to do was love me from a distance. I was grown, and she loved me, but she had this saying that stuck with me. She used to say, “You’re not tired enough.” It goes across the board. If you’re in a bad relationship, if you know your grades are suffering, but you don’t want to do the work to get them back up. If you’re slacking, trying to get a job and your applications aren’t where you want them to be, your resume isn’t what you want it to be. She used to say things like, “You’re not tired enough.”
I would tell her, “This relationship was straining. He was unfaithful several times and I refused to let it go.” I’d tell her, “I’m tired and I’m so sad.” She’s like, “You’re not tired enough yet.” She had to love me from a distance, but then she eventually had to step in and take me out of school. To parents, I would say sometimes that’s what you have to do and it’s painful, but some children don’t learn unless it’s the hard way. My mom also said not only would I have to get run over by the bus, but it had to back up over me and do it again, then I was tired enough. It’s hard to watch, so sometimes you have to step back and get ready for the fallout.
Some children do not learn unless it is the hard way. Share on XThank you for sharing that because it is a different perspective. You can talk to a parent, and who you are now can remember that experience because that’s something that you carried through your entire life.
It affected the rest of my life, to be honest.
Meeting Danny
We’re in this conversation because you are in the widowhood. The person you met, what is his name? Your husband.
Danny.
When did you meet him in the flow of your life journey?
That is his real name. That’s his government name because that’s the first thing I said to him when my friend introduced us. He said, “My name is Danny?” I said, “Like Daniel?” “No, Danny.” “That’s your government name?” That is how our relationship started.
That was the first conversation. Was this a blind date? How did you meet?
First of all, I’m not a whore. You need to know that. His friend had a crush on me. The feelings were not mutual, but they had a friend who was my husband’s best friend, and he was cute. We dated for a while, the typical high school thing. I was going through a surfer boys’ soccer phase. He had long hair. He played soccer. I was a band nerd. I was like, “That’s so hot.”
The glow on your face in remembering the time.
“Look at that long flowing hair, the way he kicks that soccer ball right at my alley, that gets me going.” Behind my back, there were 4 or 5 of them. I found out through a friend who liked me that the feelings weren’t mutual. I hadn’t met Danny at this point, but they told Danny about me and he thought that I was blowing off his friend because they would always ask me to go out with the guys and I would say, “I’m not allowed to. My mom won’t let me.” Danny was saying things like, “She is playing you. She’s lying. She doesn’t want to tell you the truth or go out with you.”
“Who are you to be speaking for me? You don’t know me.”
I’m looking at his friend, like, “Okay.” One day, my mom finally let me go out. We were all in the band together. My band friend was like, “We have to go pick Danny from work. He doesn’t have a ride home.” I’m like, “Do we have to? Can’t he walk? He doesn’t have two legs like the rest of us?” I agree to go. He was the assistant manager at an arcade and he walked out of the mall. I didn’t have a phone back then, but I was on something.
You must have had a handheld game because you didn’t have a cell phone.
I was writing something. There’s something I was doing. I had my quill. I was dipping my quill and calling our friend. He goes, “There’s Danny now.” I didn’t even look up. The closer he got, it was like slow motion. He’s coming up. I hear him. I look up and I’m like, “Delicious. What is this? Nobody that looks like that is going to say no mess like that.” He walks up and I had to fix that because he has a friend who likes me and is telling me about this jerk. Here I am thinking, “I’m going to be with my friend and be like, ‘Ugh.’” He walks up and that’s when that introduction I told you about. “I’m Danny.” “Is that your government name?” The feelings didn’t change for him. I could tell in his face, he was like, “This is the lying maiden.”
After a certain period of time, we would hang out and do things. Our Friday nights were at the skating rink. That’s what we liked to do. Watching them line skate, there was a group of about 4 or 5 of them. I don’t know if any of you have ever seen a group of guys lines skate, but you can take the most nerdy, uncoordinated, whatever type of guy. You put him in a line skating group like, “That right there.”
The one leg up and the get down when they got the one.
Watching them was fascinating to me. The first time I went to the skating rink, my mom was like, “You better take care of my baby.” All the guys came to the house to pick me up, and that was my thing. I was the tomboy. I would like to hang out with the guys. They came to pick me up and my mom was like, “F you, I’ll have bullets with each of your names on it.” We get to the skating rink and all was well. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ER.
Apparently, I had fallen and busted my ass. The ambulance had to come and get me. This was the first outing with my friends that my mom let me go on. When I got to the hospital, it was our mutual friend and Danny. When I woke up, that’s who I saw. It was like a mild concussion, “Look at me.” It’s the worst thing that has happened in my life at this point. It was a mild concussion. Nothing permanent.
When that thing happens and you’re young, you feel like, “Nothing matters anymore.” It’s like, “Baby, buckle up. Life has much more.”
I’ll take the concussion at this point. At that point, everybody felt bad. They were terrified. What would my mom think? Me and Danny’s relationship had shifted because he realized that I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t allowed to go out. I wasn’t blowing off our friends because my mom lit them up once we got back home. She’s like, “I’m never letting her go out again with you heathens.” I’m standing there like, “I’m going to be housebound for the rest of my life.”
After that, she did let me go out and we would do things like get together, go out to eat, the whole group of us, and then things did not work out with our other mutual friend who I was dating. It was nothing serious, just the high school thing. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, he wasn’t passionate enough for me, like, “We’re in love. We’re going to get married.” “You need to start acting like it.”
You need to husband him up right now in high school.
There are certain things you do when you come into the band room, “You come to me first, your future wife. What’s wrong with you?”
“It was a little too much.”
“You’re supposed to meet me there.” I started to confide in Danny, but it was very innocent at first. He was like, “How are things going with Brian?” People knew he could be very laid back, which was fine, but they started to know how I was. They were waiting for this thing to meet its end. I was telling him, I was like, “He acts like he doesn’t care. He’s breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do.” The next event that I heard about from our other mutual friend was that Danny and my upcoming ex-boyfriend were out playing tennis, and Danny was welting him with tennis balls, saying, “How could you do this to this nice girl? What’s wrong with you?”
My boyfriend came to school and he didn’t think about it. He thought Danny was being competitive. He was like, “Danny went out to play tennis.” I know because I’m like, “Am I about to break up a whole friendship?” The next thing I know, we’re talking more on the phone. Me and the ex-boyfriend were fine. He’s like, “We can be friends. It’s no big deal.” I’m like, “We just divorced and you don’t care?”
“You didn’t want this marriage to work in the first place.”
“Friends? Yeah, okay.” Danny and I got closer. When the outings were happening at this point, people could tell that we were getting closer. On the phone, we were talking one night and I don’t even know how it happened, but I ended up slipping out the words, “I love you.” Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he was a hopeless romantic, too. I’m not knocking this because you’re young and you like to explore. He was a one-person guy, very monogamous. That set the tone for the rest of our lives. He was the most amazing boyfriend, even with it being high school.
One of my first jobs was working at Winn-Dixie. He would come through my line and buy me flowers. I’d be like, “Who are those for?” All the other pastures, “This is who I’m going to marry. This is my husband.” Little did I know that my sheltered ass was like, “I’m going off to college. This long-distance thing, yikes,” like it was that thing.
How did he respond to that?
He had asked me to marry him before I knew that I wasn’t going to be ready for a long-distance thing. I said no, but that I didn’t want to end our relationship. I was willing to give it a try when I went off to college, but it didn’t work.
Proposal, Military, And College
As we’re having this conversation, let’s be clear. I knew about the hardship of the guy college. I didn’t know about Danny proposing beforehand. I’m over here like, “I need some tea.” You can always find out something new about somebody. You think you know the stuff. What happened?
It gets better, by the way.
He proposes. You say no. You go to college. How do we get from the horrific breakup to back with Danny?
We were still talking in college as friends. He threatened to go AWOL a couple of times because he decided he wanted to join the military.
What branch?
Air Force.
A dad who was in the Marines versus the guy in the Air Force. I was in the Army. I’m going to leave it at that. I don’t want to offend any of my Air Force-serving military people.
You wouldn’t offend him.
You said that. Not me.
Did I though, or did he? I’m just the messenger. If he has a problem with it, he can come on down and join this interview. He had decided to join the military because I told him that I’d always wanted to marry a military man. He quit his job as an assistant manager at the arcade and joined the military. When I was in this bad relationship in college, he used to threaten to go AWOL. He’s like, “I’m going to come to Mississippi and kill him.” It’s that simple. There were a lot of bad things that happened. I’ll leave it at that. We were talking in between. I could tell something was still there and I’d be like, “You’re going to find somebody. There’s no way you can’t.”
He would always tell me from the jump, even when we broke up, that he would never love anybody else and that he was always going to love me. I’m like, “You’ll get over this. You’ll see.” We all say that. It’s fine. Looking back, he wasn’t lying. He acted like he meant that. He did try to date one other person. He met her in Korea when he was stationed in Korea. He was a bouncer at a nightclub. That says all you need to know. She was a very pretty young lady, and that didn’t work out because she wasn’t me. He tried, and that didn’t work. After the bad experience at Ole Miss, I transferred and I did that a couple of times because once you transfer, it can be addictive because you’re like, “I don’t like it,” and then you go somewhere else.
On my last transfer, there was one other guy I tried a relationship with and it didn’t work because my therapist likes to call me a serial monogamist. I was with one person and that was that. After that didn’t work, here we are. I’m confiding in Danny. At this point, he is stationed in Alaska and I’m back home in the middle of a transfer. I was leaving Clemson and trying to figure out where I wanted to go next. We started growing closer and I was like, “I see where this is going.” A very close high school friend of mine who I’m still friends with to this day, I went to visit her on my birthday and I was on the phone with Danny. She said, “Why don’t you all get back together already?” I was like, “I’m not opposed to that.” Danny was like, “Really?”
Waiting for the go button.
Bipolar Depression
“Why not? Do you want to try it again?” We did and it was a long distance. We picked up where we left off with more knowledge and maturity than we had before. The tea gets a little bit thicker here. It’s no secret that I suffer from bipolar depression. That started after my escapades at Ole Miss. Depression runs in my family. The way my doctors have described it over the years is that a lot of times, if it’s going to be passed down, something triggers it. A traumatic event will trigger it. Ole Miss was that event for me. I went through several bad episodes and then my family was going through a lot. My grandmother was diagnosed with skin cancer and it became a lot at home.
One night, I was on a low. I was feeling pretty bad. I was having suicidal ideations. I called Danny and I was like, “I can’t.” It scared him and he convinced me to check myself in and I did that. I self-admitted to a mental facility. I tell people to this day, and I truly believe it, that was the most life-altering experience of my life.
How old were you then?
I was 23. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The way that they portray mental institutions on TV, I’m not saying some places couldn’t be like that, but most of them are not. I learned who I was and what I needed to do to take care of myself. I started on the pathway of finding the right combination of medications because that’s always the hardest part.
To those out there who are scared to try medication or are fearful of what it can do and how it can make you feel, I would say do your research and make sure you have a good team around you, a good doctor and don’t be afraid if the medicine isn’t doing what you think it should do right away. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes several months to years to find the right combination.
I got that process going. Luckily for me at the time, the first medication worked. When I was in the hospital, I had a roommate. I’d go to my self-help and therapy throughout the day. It was not like you would think on TV at all. Had I known it was going to be like that, I probably would’ve gone sooner. My mind was so clear. It was like all the fog lifted.
Here’s the tea. I stayed for a week. I believe that on the fifth day, Danny called me every day to check on me. I later found out that he would call his mom and cry. He and his mom weren’t that close and he would be scared, “I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what to do.” She told me this after he passed. He would call me every day. On the fifth day, I said, “I’m getting out of here in a couple of days.” He said, “Do you know what you want to do?” I said, “Yeah, will you marry me?” In my mind, when we first started out, like restarted our second relationship, I knew this was it.
I feel like he would’ve eventually proposed again, but I didn’t want to wait. I knew what I wanted and I didn’t want to waste time getting it. I’m in this mental hospital and I’m proposing to this man who’s in Alaska. Everybody is like, “Sure, whatever you want. Whatever you need to finish these last few days.” I’m trying to tell everybody, I’m like, “No one believes me, but I want to get married. I want to finish my education, and I’m going to continue with my life.” He had that outlook on it and he was like, “Yeah. Enjoy therapy and we’ll talk tomorrow.” I’m like, “Is that a yes?” He goes, “I’ll think about it.” I was like, “I just asked you to marry me. What is there to think about?” I later found out that he did that on purpose because I said no the first time.
Community
Can you blame him? It’s only fair. What did your community think about you recognizing your mental health issues? The reason why I say that is a lot of people in different ethnicities shun the idea of mental health or tough it up and you need to figure it out. How was that laid out in your life for you?
My community at the time was pretty much non-existent outside of my family because I had secluded myself. I had tunnel vision, and my circle was extremely small. However, I will say I had the support I needed at the time. My grandmother, my mother’s mother, started the Black Sheep Club. That’s what I like to call it. She was the one that changed the perception of mental illness and getting help. She always told my mom when she was diagnosed with depression, “If you need help, there’s nothing wrong with that. Seek help.” She made it clear that there was nothing wrong with doing that.
My mom instilled that in her children. She was worried. My mom and my family were behind me. Danny was behind me. His parents were like, “Are you sure that’s what you want?” As time went on and I opened up my circle again, people were very supportive. No one called me crazy except myself. They were always checking on me and asking me how I was doing. I didn’t have a negative experience with my diagnosis at all.
You mentioned about your own head chatter. Do you still struggle with that?
Absolutely.
How do you manage that?
I have a lot of support, and what helps me the most is sharing my story and helping other people. That was never my intention. It started as therapy for me to be honest with myself and say it out loud. Now, I am able to recognize the signs of an upcoming potential episode. I’m not afraid to talk about my diagnosis and my experiences in the hospital. Things like that, being honest and open and taking my medication on time. That helps.
Getting Married
You get to the seventh day, and you get released. How do we get to you and Danny getting married? What does that transition look like?
I called him about an hour before getting out and I said, “When are you coming me to get me?” He goes, “Get you for what?” I’m like, “We’re getting married, right?” He’s like, “You were serious?”
He was in Alaska. You expect him to get on a plane because he’s in the military. He can get on a plane and come get you in an hour.
Absolutely like, “What’s the problem? Let’s do this. I don’t have time to waste.” I’ve been sad, scared and brokenhearted enough. I love this man and I’m ready to start my life. I ask him again, “Danny, will you marry me?” He’s like, “Yes.”
This is on a phone where you’re not seeing him.
“I had no time to waste. No time, no money, no cares. Let’s do it. We love each other. Let’s go.” He accepts. He starts making plans to come out here. Keep in mind, my family had the same reaction to his. My mom comes and helps me to clear out my things. She’s like, “How do you feel?” I’m like, “I’m excited. Danny’s coming to get me.” She was like, “Like visit?” “I told you I’m getting married.” “You were serious?” She didn’t believe it until I was leaving the house.
I’m over here trying to believe it and I’m like, “Okay.” You’re all in.
Even to this day, I think that was the most clear I had ever been thinking in my life. I was ready to restart. It was like a restart button. We did premarital counseling over the phone. We did this with his chaplain on base. It took a month to finish the course. I wasn’t mad because I told him, “I’m not coming to Alaska. When are you getting stationed elsewhere? And it better be soon because I have no time to waste.” He said, “I’ll see what I can do because it’s easy for me to go in and demand to be stationed somewhere else.”
I’m like, “Exactly. You let me know.” Next thing I know, he’s getting orders to Idaho. I’m like, “That’s not much better, but okay, there’s no snow.” I found out there was snow, but it wasn’t like Alaska. That’s when we started it. That took a couple of months. I asked him to marry me. It was that spring. It took a couple of months for him to relocate, then it took a month for us to do premarital counseling, and the next thing I know, I’m picking his ass up at the airport.
What did you gain from premarital counseling?
Not enough. I got the basics, the relationship stuff, on par. We were good to go, seriously. Be honest with each other. Be faithful. Be patient. Love is kind, this and that. I feel like we probably should have spent a little bit more time on finances and the hard stuff, the stuff that hopeless romantics don’t think about. That was one of those things where we had to rough it out.
To somebody who’s thinking about getting married, what are some things that, from your experience, you go, “I recommend you work on this?” What are three things or a couple of things you would say that people should talk about, discuss, and consider before getting married?
The umbrella for me is your expectations. The three things that fall under that are finances, “How are we going to work out our finances? Are we going to have accounts together? Are we going to have separate accounts? What does your credit look like?” When you get married, it’s the way it’s supposed to be because, in some marriages, it’s not as cohesive as one would think, and that’s fine. I’m not knocking that. If you’re going to be like a team and it’s just you, you need to know that person’s credit history because their credit becomes your credit. Their debt becomes your debt. I didn’t know that until after I did. I highly recommend you review your finances. That’s number one because, contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need.
It sounds sweet, but it’s not. Children, if you want to expand your family when it’s something you’re not interested in, that’s very important. An extension of that is your separate families because I was not close to Danny’s family initially. He kept me away from them. He didn’t have the best relationship with his mom in the beginning. It’s very important to talk about your expectations as far as families are concerned. Those would be my top three.
Financial Struggles
Share with us some of your favorite memories of Danny being married.
He hated this memory. It’s not a good memory, but it’s one of my favorites because it helped us grow. The finances piece I was talking about was something that we had not discussed. When I moved out to Idaho, I got my job transferred from Virginia to Idaho. I was a pharmacy technician at Walmart. I loved doing that. It was easy. It allowed me time for school. One day, I was getting ready for work. Danny was working the night shift at the time, and the electricity went out.
I’m thinking, “The weather is fine. What’s going on?” I look outside. Neighbors’ stuff is on and I’m like, “That’s odd.” I called the electric company. I’ve got a cell phone now, but can you believe I was alive at a time when cell phones were not a thing? That’s crazy to think about. I’m going to keep going. I called the electric company and they said the bill was behind. I said, “Really?” I called Danny and I’m like, “What the hell is going on?” All of the stuff started coming to light, like bills were going unpaid. There was a lot of credit card debt. This is less than a month in.
Were you living off base or on base?
Off base. He had an apartment.
You didn’t have to pay utilities on base.
I’m like, “Is annulment still on the table? I had already been through heartbreak. I was not going to accept any ****.” I loved Danny with my heart and my soul, but I wasn’t. I’m going around the house. I’m throwing things. I am tearing things up. I’m like, “I can’t believe I moved all the way out here. I proposed to him like an idiot a mental institution.” I’m beyond picked.
You are unhinged.
I’m walking out the door and I see our marriage certificate hanging on the wall. I grab that thing. I break the glass and I rip it. I throw it on the floor and I walk out. Here’s our marriage certificate, and if you look, there’s a piece of tape right here and it is ripped all the way across.
I have seen that in person and never knew that.
Instead of going to get a new one, I kept this. He hated seeing it. He’s like, “Why do you want to keep that?” I said, “It pushed us to do better. It set the tone for the rest of our marriage. Love is not all you need, but love does help you conquer.” I kept that and I love the story behind it because even though I was unhinged, once we solved that, it reminded me of what love can do and what true love can look like because he was on it from that day forward. He sat down. He looked at what his auto payments were and what was on his credit report. He took a financial class on base the next day, so when I came home from work, bless my heart, I found he had a little file cabinet. The top one said in and the bottom one said out.
Love is not all you need, but it does help you conquer. Share on XHe said, “When we get our bills in the mail, we’ll put them in the inbox. Once we pay them, we’ll put them in the outbox.” My heart was like, “Maybe we’ll make it.” My outside was like, “We’ll see how long this lasts.” On the inside, I’m like, “This is going to work.” I later found out that he got some help from my dad. As childish as it might sound to some people because it’s a materialistic thing, I knew this man loved me when he went and sold his Xbox to get that electricity turned back on.
That is not just a material thing. There’s an experience, community, and an investment.
It wasn’t enough to cover the whole thing so he had to get help from my dad. That Xbox was gone when I got home. I did go back and get it. He hit the ground running when he saw that marriage certificate on the floor. We both sat down and we made a plan like, “This is where we want our credit score to be because there’s going to be things further down the road that we’re going to want. This is how we’re going to handle our finances. We’re going to get a joint account and then we’re going to have separate accounts, but that both of us have access to. We’re going to have certain bill money that transfers into another.” We sat down and did what we should have done in premarital counseling.
We rarely had any financial problems as far as not knowing what was going on was concerned. That is one of my favorite memories. He hated it. It reminds me of the fact that he would do anything to make me feel safe, secure, and loved. We were young, broke and had no direction. Our rings were from Walmart. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be married to this man that I loved. We had nothing and it was okay because we had a plan. We loved each other. We were teammates. We had each other’s backs.
How long were you married?
Two weeks shy of 13 years, but we had known each other for over 20.
Fertility Problem
I want you to share whatever you feel comfortable with about Danny’s transition. I don’t want to ask you questions about that. I want you to be able to tell your story.
After I finished college, we were stationed at Hurlburt Field in Fort Walton Beach. It took 11 years and 7 schools for me to finally graduate because I kept changing. I was like, “I think I’ll be an astronaut. No wait, I’ll be a doctor. No, I’ll sign for the president. I’ll be the sign language person.” I changed majors as much as I changed my jobs. It was a lot. Danny finally sat down. He was like, “Your debt is my debt. We need to figure this out. Didn’t you like to write in school? How about you do something with your writing?” That’s dumb. I graduated in Communications with an emphasis in Journalism. I loved it. That happened in 2012. We were stationed at Hurlburt Field. About two years into my journalism career, I was like, “I think it’s time for us to expand our family. I want a baby and I want it tomorrow.”
There’s a pattern here.
I’m on my hopeless romantic gag now, like we need nothing but the love to create, manage and nurture a child. Danny’s like, “Slow your role. We need to buy a house. We need a new reliable source of transportation. I might want to get promoted.” Danny was the planner. I’m telling you this marriage certificate, I should have ripped that the first week. He had a plan ever since that. He always had things worked out while. I was like, “Let’s just do it. What’s the holdup?” We spent the next year executing his plan. We got new cars. I got promoted. He was working on his promotion. We bought a house. Everything was falling into place, and then he was finally like, “Let’s give it a whirl.”
For people out there who don’t accidentally get pregnant, like you’re trying, I say do not be surprised if it doesn’t happen right away. Things can get frustrating. This was around the time that we argued the most in our entire marriage. It’s rough because, unfortunately, sometimes sex is scheduled. It’s hard. I knew we were going to get pregnant the first time. He tried to tell me. He was like, “Keita,” because he was the only person that called me that. He said, “Keita, don’t be surprised.” I’m like, “Whatever. My body is ready to go. This is what I was made for. You worry about yourself and your part and I’ll take care of the rest.”
He’s like, “All right.” It didn’t happen right away, then we got stationed here in Tampa and the journey was still journeying. I left the newsroom because it’s a very volatile environment. Once the Trump era hit, it got real crazy. I was like, “No. I love what I do, but not this much.” I went into the marketing side of my degree. Very easy and simple. I was a social media manager for a higher education institution. That allowed a less hectic schedule and career for me.
Less stress.
It still wasn’t happening. That’s when we started going to the fertility clinic. We got all the tests done. They suspected maybe a little bit of endometriosis, but they couldn’t find anything else. We planned on going for three rounds of IUI. For those who don’t know, that’s the step before IVF. IVF is when they take the sperm out, take the egg out, combine them and put the egg back in the woman.
IUI is where they take the sperm out, keep the egg in, and you time it right, then inject the sperm. It’s cheaper because you’re not taking both parts out, but it could also be a little more stressful for some people because that timing. For those who don’t know, there are loans you can take out for fertility. I did not know that. We had taken out a small loan. We also had our savings and we had enough for three rounds.
What year is this?
This was 2018.
You started this in 2014. Four years of this.
I went for another test. I think it was like my yearly or my annual and they found something. They found a little polyp, like a cyst on my uterus. It was in the place where the egg is supposed to implant without going into too much detail because I didn’t want to be sitting here talking for seven days. When this wasn’t happening for me before I found out about the polyp, I thought it was because of things I went through in college.
Remember, I mentioned that my boyfriend proposed to me so I was engaged for a while to this boy. He was unfaithful and I paid the price for that. It’s nothing permanent. Thank God it could have been something I couldn’t get rid of. I thought that because of what I went through at Ole Miss, it was my fault that something was wrong. Something was awry. That was another thing I was talking about in therapy. I was angry with myself. I’ve always described myself as a broken vase.
I was damaged goods. I didn’t deserve Danny. This is why I can’t get pregnant. You can put a broken base back together, but you’re always going to see the cracks for sure. That’s how I saw myself. When they found the polyp, I was like, “Maybe this is it.” I had the surgery. Danny recorded my loopiness when we got home. Let me tell you about those drugs. I wish I could have some for the house. We got that taken out. My doctor said, “Let’s wait a cycle. Make sure everything is healed up.” This was in March or April.
We waited for a cycle. In April 2019, we tried, and by June, I was pregnant. Unfortunately, it wasn’t viable. That was around week five. I miscarried. I was hurt but not as hurt as Danny was. I was like, “I can get pregnant.” Danny wanted to give me the world. His being a yes man is what made me rip up this certificate. Trying to give me everything and us going into debt, like, “What’s wrong with you?” When he learned to say no, I was like, “Oh, daddy,” but also, “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” Now we’re at the point where it’s a yes and he wants to give me the world. When it didn’t happen, he was angry. He wanted this for us, but he wanted it for me. He didn’t talk for two days.
He came to pick me up from work and we found out in the car. They called us because I went to take a blood test that morning because I had started to spot. They told us, “Your HCG levels, the chemical that shows you’re pregnant, dropped and you miscarried.” I remember him hitting his steering wheel hard. I had never seen that reaction from him. I was worried. I told him, “Whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here, but I’m not going to push you.” I reassured him that I was okay because I knew it was more about me.
I said, “I’m okay. We can get pregnant.” He was so sad. I later found out after he passed that it was about me, but he wanted to be a dad. He never told me that. He agreed for us to expand our family. He never said, “I’m excited to be a dad. I want to be a dad.” Looking back now, I know that he was genuinely disappointed and hurt. I said, “We can try again. It’s no big deal. I can get pregnant.” Keep in mind my doctor said after the surgery, if it doesn’t work, we’re going to try a couple of cycles, then we’ll start IUI. IUI was already on the calendar, and then I got pregnant. I was like, “We don’t have to use the loan money.” We can have this baby, the freeway. We can give it that.
How much would the loan have been?
Maybe $3,000. I can’t remember if that was for 3 cycles or 1. All I remember is seeing $3,000. I told him, “We’ll try again. It’s no big deal,” and then we tried again, and I got pregnant again. One of the most popular phrases they use in the fertility community is, “Stay optimistically hopeful because you never know.”
This timeline is now what with the second pregnancy?
I got pregnant in June. Miscarried, and then I got pregnant in July 2019. I snuck that morning and took a pregnancy test because we said we were going to do it together and I thought he was asleep. I get the test, and because we’re optimistically hopeful, it’s a positive. The reaction was completely different than it was the first time. The first time we were excited. This time, it was like, “We’ll see what happens.” I come out of the bathroom and there’s my 6’1 and 240-pound husband. He’s like, “You took it without me?” I’m like, “I had to pee.”
“I didn’t want to waste it.”
“You were sleeping.” He was like, “So?” I was like, “Positive.” He goes, “High five.” That was us. He was like, “Good teamwork. Cool. What do you want for breakfast? Let’s see where this goes. You guys did good.” This was week five and we spent the next week or so cracking jokes. I remember one night because I would go to bed before him by an hour or so because he was done once his head hit the pillow. I didn’t like that because I was like, “You left me up.” He would always put me to bed and tuck me in, and then he would come in when I was getting drowsy.
Danny’s Transition
That night, he gave me a kiss and then he pulled back the covers and kissed my belly. That was the only kiss I got because the following week, he was gone. I was at work that day, July 17th. We were texting and messaging throughout the day, sending memes and videos, like work about memes to send to my husband. That day, for whatever reason, I felt like video-calling him. That was rare. I don’t know what it was that day, but I wanted to see him. I called and I had my feet up. I was in my office and he goes, “What’s going on? Is everything okay?” I’m like, “Yeah, I just called to show you my feet.” I’m trying to take it easy and I’ve got my feet up and my laptop.
You’re knocked up.
I’m with child and he’s like, “You’re interrupting my workout.” I was like, “I wanted to see the man who knocked me up.” We chatted for a few seconds. I know you know this. This was a tradition that started with my grandmother when I went off to college. I told her bye. I said, “Goodbye.” She said, “It’s never goodbye. It’s, ‘See you.’ We never say goodbye.” That’s when it started that tradition for me. I don’t say goodbye to those I love. I always say, “See you.”
After that conversation, he was like, “Be careful driving home. You’re carrying my seed. I’m going to go work out.” I was like, “I love you. See you.” He said, “I love you too. See you.” That was the last thing he ever said to me. I came home. I came straight into the office. I normally would come in here to finish up my day, check the mail and do whatever. I still heard his music upstairs. Normally when I come home, he greets me at the door or cooks dinner or something like that. I’m like, “Maybe he is working and ran late.” About 15 or 20 minutes went by, I went upstairs and I tried to open the door and his foot was jamming it.
Sometimes he would fall asleep up there after his workout plan on his phone or whatever. I’m like, “You fell asleep again?” Our gym has two entrances. I went around the other entrance. When I opened the door, he collapsed on the floor toward me. His eyes were open, but his lips and his nail beds were blue. I remember specifically the feeling of knowing he was gone. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, but I knew it wasn’t. I remember knowing that my life was never going to be the same, looking like I had never seen this man look helpless in my entire life. He looked peaceful, but my protector was lying on the floor. I couldn’t bring myself to terms even though deep down I knew that he was gone.
I was acting as if he was there. I said, “Hold on. I’m going to get help.” I’m talking to him. I called 911 and there’s always a struggle in my mind of whether I called my mother or 911 first because I feel like I called my mom, she’s in the medical field, but she didn’t answer. I don’t know if this happened, but I feel like it was before. After that, I dialed 911 and I was freaking out. They’re telling me what to do. I’m doing compressions. I’m still on the phone. I remember when the paramedics finally got here, my hands were red. I thought that it was his blood on my hands. I had been doing compressions for so long and hard that my hands looked like they were bleeding.
I heard them coming in. I did have the wherewithal to know I didn’t want them to bust down the door because, at the time, we had our two dogs and our cat. She said that they were here. I said, “I’ll be right back. We’re going to help you.” I ran downstairs. I put the dogs and my cat in our bedroom and I let them in. I told them what happened. They ran upstairs and started their thing.
A policeman came in and I’m following them up the stairs. The policeman is guiding me back down. He’s like, “Let them do their job. Calm down.” I’m telling him, “He can’t do this. I’m pregnant. He can’t be dead.” I’ve never considered myself very religious, but I’ve always been spiritual. I wasn’t the type to be in church every Sunday, but I had a very strong foundation and relationship with God. That has been shaken to the core at this point because standing next to that police officer was the hardest I’ve prayed for in my whole life.
They worked on them for quite a while, and then I saw them coming downstairs. It took four of them to get him downstairs on that stretcher. It’s a very narrow stairway. I’ve always been dark, but after he passed, it got exponentially worse. He was always dark, too. I saw them coming down the stairs. I remember thinking, not saying, “You need to be careful because you’re going to *** my wall when he comes home. He’s going to be angry.”
At that moment, I remember thinking that because I knew that he was going to come home with me. They took him out the door and put him in the ambulance. The fire truck was out there and so was the policeman. They worked on him some more, then the policeman came over and they said, “They’re going to take him to the hospital. They’re going to work on him some more. Would you like to ride in the ambulance with them?” I adamantly said, “No, because he’s going to need a ride home when he wakes up.”
I went to the hospital and walked in. That’s when they put me in that little room and the consultation room. I knew for real they only put you in that room for one reason. I had been on and off the phone with my mom, and I called her. I said, “I’m here.” She’s adamant like me, “He’s going to be okay. They’re going to put him on life support. We figure it out once they do that.” Her husband and my youngest brother are there with her. They came in and they said, “I’m sorry, but we weren’t able to restart his heart.” My mom collapsed on the floor. At that point, I was numb. I’m staring. I didn’t believe them. I said, “I’m going to call you back because this isn’t right. I’m going to go see him.”
I said, “Can I see him?” He said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Yeah.” I’m talking like what they’re saying is a lie. I walk in and he’s there under a sheet. His head is still showing because, for those of you who don’t know, when you are active duty military and something happens to you as you pass in a civilian hospital, once they call that time of death, they can’t time you because you are property of the United States military.
All the apparatuses that they had used on him, they couldn’t move it. He still had the thing, aspiration, and everything down his throat. His eyes were slightly open. They had cut his clothes off and everything. I’m looking down and I’m like, “You have to get up. Please get up.” I’m talking to him. I’m like, “We’re pregnant. You have to get up.”
I was pacing. They walked in and they said, “Is there somebody we could call?” “My support system isn’t here. We were stationed here.” I said, “I don’t know. His supervisor, I don’t know who that is.” As I started to slowly come to my senses, I remembered that Danny had given me a card of his chain of command. That didn’t happen until about 45 minutes in. That’s when I realized because they kept coming in. We can’t get ahold of anybody. I had his wallet because they told me to grab his wallet and any medications he was on.
I gave them the card and they started calling people. By this time, I had been sitting there with him for an hour, all by myself. It didn’t seem like that long. I was told later it was about an hour, and then I called my supervisor at some point, who lived about an hour and a half away, and said, “I need you to come now. Danny’s in the hospital.” She said, “What’s going on?” I said, “He’s gone.” It didn’t register with her.
She and my other supervisor came. They were the first to get there. We were all sitting there in the room in disbelief, seeing him lay there. My supervisor, April, said, “Physically, how are you feeling? Have you eaten?” At this point, nobody knew I was pregnant. We were waiting to tell people because we were cautiously optimistic. I haven’t eaten, but I need to because I’m pregnant. She said, “I’ll be right back.” She came back with a turkey sandwich. She said, “I don’t know how we’re going to do this, but that baby has you. You need to eat.”
People started coming in. His supervisor, the military, gives you a casualty assistance officer. They came in. I’m eating this sandwich next to my husband’s body when they come in. His supervisor took me aside and he said, “I know.” I said, “What?” He said, “I know you weren’t supposed to tell anybody, but Danny told me you are pregnant.” I remember being happy because men are supposed to put on a happy face and be strong and stoic. His supervisor could tell something was off at work, so he took Danny aside and said, “What is going on?” This particular supervisor has seven kids that they homeschool. He knows a little something about being scared.
He told me that Danny told him, “Nobody knows this, but Marketta is pregnant and I’m scared.” When he told me that, I’m just like, “Thank God he talked to somebody. He was always worried about me and would put himself on the side most of the time.” I was happy he told someone and his supervisor said, “We’ll make it through this. You got to. That’s Danny’s baby. That’s your baby.” Another supervisor came in, “I want us to drive you home.” I said, “No, I’m going to stay here until something happens. I’m staying here.”
The nurse said, “We’ll get you a more comfortable chair.” By this time, news had gotten around the hospital of what happened and I was pregnant. No one knew what to say or how to act. I found out that that has never happened before at this particular hospital. We’re not a big city. While the nurse was gone to get me a recliner, another nurse came in. Her name is Haley. We’re still friends to this day. She knelt down and said, “I don’t know you, but I can see you’re in a lot of pain. You don’t need to stay here. He’s not here.” She put her hands on my belly and she said, “He’s here. Go home. He is here and he is at home. He is not on this table.”
“I can’t leave him.” She said, “You have to. He’s not here anymore.” The nurse came back with the recliner and everyone was looking to see what I was going to do. Hailey said, “You can do this. You have to.” I said, “Okay.” I went over. I touched his face. I told him I was sorry for not coming upstairs, and I later found out that he was gone long before I got home. I held his household in his hand tight. Haley said, “You can do it.” I said, “Just take me. I can’t do it by myself.” They had to pry from him. As I was walking out, I said, “I love you. See you.”
I let them drive me home. Walking into the house, knowing that he would never walk in there with me again, was foreign. Her babies were still in my bedroom. I told Danny’s supervisor, “I have to walk my dogs. They’ve been in there all afternoon.” They said, “No, we’ll do it. You go lay down.” Usually, when I would open the door, they ran straight to the front door, but this time they didn’t run. They stayed next to me like they knew. Axle was a 98-pound Siberian husky. Shayla was a 30-pound Australian Shepherd. Axle would normally knock my ass over practically to get to that front door, but they stayed.
Episode Wrap-Up
They kept smelling me and looking up like they were saying, “We’re here. It’s okay.” I had to push them out, “You go.” I laid down and they came back inside. They did not leave my side until they died 1 and 2 years later. Danny visited me that night. There were clear visits, 3 times, all in the first 2 weeks. That night, I didn’t think I got any sleep. I had to have it because he visited me. We were sitting on the couch and my cat, Pumpkin, ran down the hall and Danny ran after her like they were playing. He came back with her and sat on the couch. I looked over at him and I said, “I miss you.” He said, “I miss you too.” His eyes were well, with tears and a half smile, and then I woke up. That was the beginning of my widowhood journey.
