Grief can feel isolating, but the truth is, you’re not alone. In this episode, Tina Fornwald shares her widowhood journey, opening up about the 14 lessons she learned across struggles and surprising moments of healing after loss. From the power of community to embracing new purpose, Tina explores the realities of life after losing a spouse. She reflects on the emotions, memories, and unexpected challenges, offering heartfelt insights for those walking a similar path. Whether you’re grieving, supporting a loved one, or searching for hope, this conversation provides comfort and understanding.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World

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Finding Strength In Widowhood: 14 Lessons On Healing & Hope

This is a conversation that I’m having with you. Many of you have asked me what are some things that I have learned along this journey of widowhood. I have a list right here and I’ll go over them one by one. Also, please email me at WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear the things that you have learned on this widow’s journey or your grief journey in particular. If you’re supporting someone who is grieving, please share the things that you have learned about them, because it will be able to help others.

#1: I Am Not Alone

Number one, I am not alone. The thing about this grief journey is the head chatter, the things that will come into your head that, “No one else could be in this much pain. No one else could have this much suffering. No one else could be living this difficult life.” That is not true. I learned I was not alone. I learned that there are thousands more widows and widowers daily.

#2: Community

Knowing that wasn’t a trauma bonding type of situation, but it told me, “Tina, you are not the first person to endure this nor will you be the last,” which means it is something that I can live through, move forward, and I will at one point in time be okay. When I learned that, it changed my mindset from, “I don’t know if I can do this. This will never work out,” to, “Though it is painful, I have the capacity inside of me to be able to keep living.” It was important for me to know I was not alone. That circled into the idea of how powerful number two is, which is community.

When I realized I was not alone, I reached out to every widow and widower that I knew. I made time to be in their presence, whether it was in person or on the phone. I had so many questions and they were so willing to answer. That community created for me was so important. It gave me the ability to be able to keep living, to know that I was not alone, and that other people would encourage me. They would share their journey with me. They would let me know that this is something that they experienced. They shared their version of it. It allowed me to take their pieces of this journey and create my own.

#3: Memories, Good & Bad

Number three, memories are good and memories are bad. What that looked like for me is I had to take my time when I wanted to see the memories. Sometimes, it was all at once, and then it was that I didn’t want to see them at all. I had to be honest with myself about what that looked like. I remember one time when I was looking at pictures of Mark and listening to voice messages in particular because hearing his voice made it feel so good.

I fell asleep with my phone in hand. When I woke up, all the messages were gone. I was devastated. I went to the phone store, standing there crying profusely and unhinged. I feel so sorry for whoever was at that Verizon store and had to help me that day. I probably left them shaken, but I was devastated. There was nothing they could do to get those phone messages back, and that was bad.

I reached out to my children and I asked them to share with me the messages that they had with their dad’s voice and they sent them to me. It is a precious thing to have. I encourage you, if possible, to please take the pictures. Please create the memories. Please cement them with audio and videos because one day, you won’t be able to. The good part is there are tons of pictures of Mark and tons of memories with him and the children that I will cherish as long as I can breathe.

#4: Music And Smells

Number four, music and smells. I remember the songs that we danced to and the songs that Mark played. Mark was a hard-rock kind of guy. I learned the Eagles and so much music that I never thought of before by being with him and being married to him. I remember the smell of chili. Mark used to make chili from scratch at home. He’d have a big pot in putting it together. When I’m having chili and rice, I think of him. The smell of a bonfire, because our family had a bonfire every year, and the smell of wood burning brings back so many memories of him.

Also, his cologne. He wore a gray flannel. When he passed away and I was moving from Pennsylvania to Virginia, I packed up so much stuff. Some things I got rid of, but his gray flannel, I could not. It traveled with me in my vehicle. When I made it to my first residence here in Virginia, I sat in the tub, smelled that gray flannel, and spoke to him. It reminded me who he was.

I don’t have the great flannel anymore. It took me a while to get to a place where I did not need it anymore but it was very comforting. If there are things that you do that are safe and allow you to process that your loved one is not here, I encourage you to embrace those things because it’s healing for the heart, and we are trying to process that they are no longer here.

#5: Gratitude

Number five, gratitude and being grateful. I know it’s hard but it is so helpful. It puts things into perspective for me that I had Mark in my life, that we were together for 32 years, and that I had the opportunity to have children with him, travel the world, and be the woman that I became. I met Mark when I was 18 and I was with him for 32 years. I became the woman I was because of him.

I have so much that I am grateful for him being in my life. I was able to pause and tell myself over and over again, “You have been fortunate to have a wonderful man in your life and I am grateful for that.” I also brought that gratitude into my everyday experience because not only was I grateful for Mark, my life, and our children, but I tried every day to find something that I was grateful for. It allowed me to put life into perspective.

The reality is that we come and go in this world and sometimes, we have an amazing experience with different people. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing experience with Mark. Every day, I look to see where the amazing experience lies. It can be something as small as I shoveled all the snow and I didn’t fall on my butt or my coffee was hot, or I got every suspense done on time at work. Sometimes, we have to capture the small things because the big things can be so overwhelming.

#6: Intimacy

Number six, intimacy. As a widow who had a very robust in-person relationship with her husband, intimacy is cut off instantly. I know some people say, “How can you even think of something like that? We’re alive. We’re still here.” I’m not talking about intercourse. I’m talking about having a hug, holding someone’s hand, or someone taking time to brush your shoulder or tap you as you’re cooking dinner. Those things are no longer there. Learning to deal with that is hard, but I learned that I can be honest about that. I would talk about it with my sisters, my girlfriends, or in my journal. What I realized is I do not have to deny the reality that I miss those things because that was part of our relationship and that is the truth of the situation.

#7: Faith

Number seven, I learned my faith was tested in Mark’s passing. I was shaken to my core. Everything that I felt like what life was like had been snatched from me. I didn’t think I ever got mad at God, but I was trying to process the reality of what my faith says happens after we leave this world. I spent countless hours searching through the scriptures in the Bible and reading what this life has afterward.

For you, your faith may be different or you may not have faith, but that may be a critical part of dealing with the passing of your loved one, assessing what happens after this world is over. It made me dive deeper into my faith. It caused me to read my Bible more and have more personal study time because it was the reality that I only have this life.

The faith that I had up until this point had to sustain me. This was the battleground. Everything else to me up to now was practice. This is where I had to determine if I truly believe what I say or if I’ve been talking a lot of junk. I’m glad to say that it sustained me, encouraged me, and helped me. I encourage you, whatever your faith is, to lean into it.

I do know that oftentimes in this process of grief, our faith can be tested when people walk away from their faith. I have to say that most of the time when I talk to people, it’s part of their process. We can’t prevent people from feeling the way that they feel. If you are supporting someone who has walked away from their faith, please let them know that you still love them and encourage them. The matter of where they are struggling, do not let that be a place that you turn away from them. They need you now more than ever.

#8: Wearing A Mask

Number eight, wearing a mask. I didn’t think I was wearing a mask, but one of my friends called me about the change in my behavior. She told me that I wasn’t showing up in life the way that I normally did. When she came to my home and challenged me on that, I had to reflect and realize I was wearing a mask. I would go to work, be chipper, and do the things that I have to do at work, and then I would come home and fall apart. I was isolating. I was not socializing. I wasn’t connecting with other people. I had stopped using my coping skills. The only thing I did was put up a facade.

I realized that wearing a mask does not help. For me, leaning into my coping skills, journaling, meeting with my mental health professional, spending time with family and friends, exercising, and being honest about how I am feeling in any part of my grief is important. Wearing a mask is something I did, but I took it off and I had plans to never put it on again.

#9: I Am Not The Same Person

Number nine, I am not the same person. Who I was as Mark Fornwald’s wife ceased when he no longer lived in this world. Am I the same person you see outside? Yes, but inside, I am forever changed and different because Mark no longer walks this world. The day that he passed, I remember myself being crouched down in the corner of the hotel, screaming into the phone and telling my sister, “He cannot be dead. I love him.” In my mind, there was this cloak of protection because I loved him and certainly his life could not be over, but I was wrong.

The Tina that I am now, there are so many things different about me. I do not take life for granted. I do not assume that people will be there the next day. I choose my words carefully. I try to say no when there’s something I don’t want to do because time is precious and I shouldn’t spend my time doing things that I don’t want to do. Things that I have to do, that may be hard, but the things that I have a choice about, my no game is strong.

I love my children and I will show up in their lives anytime I can do it. My siblings are my strong anchor and I appreciate each and every one of them. My friends are my soul. These are the people I talk to in so many different places and times. My tribe, you, the widowhood, are important to me. Every time I receive a message from one of you that you’ve tuned in to the show or something has helped you, it is the way that I know that I am living this life in a different way than I did before.

#10: Dates: Anniversaries, Birthdays, And Holidays

Number ten, dates, anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays are triggering. It’s like, “You made it through the first anniversary. You made it through the first birthday.” I was like, “We got to do it next year because he’s not coming back?” Anniversaries and birthdays come every year. In the first year, I was like, “We’re going through all these.” Year 2 passed, and then year 3. We’re in year eight. I needed to start preparing how I was going to deal with these dates.

Sometimes, they snuck up on me and it wasn’t bad, but when they did, they knocked the air out of me. When I was able to realize it was heavier sometimes than other times, I took off work. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pretend. I was not going to put a mask on, go to work, and pretend that everything was okay. I had to feel my feelings if I was going to stay in bed, I was going to go to the beach, or I was going to sit in the car and scream. I was not going to pretend that these dates, these anniversaries, or his birthday did not matter.

The wedding anniversary, I stopped celebrating that, thinking of it, or counting it, probably about two years after he passed because, to me, it was an un-anniversary. “He died. What am I counting?” That is what I told myself. I stopped. His birthday and what I call a deathversary, which is when he transitioned, died, or left this world, those two days still get me.

Christmas was hard also because Mark would go out into the woods, cut down a tree with the kids, and bring back a live Christmas tree. The kids enjoyed that. I was more concerned about the needles and having to keep them clean. That was my part. When he passed, Christmas was never the same. I must admit. It is eight years later and I don’t seem to decorate the way I used to. I was wondering if it’s because the children are older or because of the impact that Mark had on that holiday. On Thanksgiving, his being at the head of the table and cutting the Turkey was so impactful.

I tried to start making new memories because nothing could be the same in his absence. I realized I had the power to make new memories on those same days and create something different, something that I could enjoy. I invite you on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or whatever you are celebrating, that you choose to celebrate them differently. They are not here so it’s hard to try to do things the same exact way, but try something different. Go online, look up different ideas, and talk to family and friends. You may find something that you enjoy.

#11: Healing

Number 11, healing. I felt broken. I felt devastated and my heart was crushed. Healing was important for me. I needed to heal my heart to learn to hope again. I needed to heal my heart to believe that good things were possible in my life. I needed to heal my heart to feel like I had a reason for existing.

#12: Creating a Purpose

When Mark passed, I felt broken and felt like I had no value or no purpose. I had to create a purpose. It wasn’t something I thought I needed, but purpose found me. What the purpose looked like was the development of Widowhood Real Talk with Tina. This 501(c)(3) supporting the bereaved has become the way I serve humanity and my purpose. It created a new identity for me.

One thing I know is that when your spouse passes or your loved one leaves this world, it changes how you see yourself in this world. If you were a sibling and your only sibling passed, there’s the idea of feeling like you’re an only child. If you are a parent and your child passes, your identity of being a parent is morphed in a way that is very hard for many people to understand unless they’ve traveled that road.

If you are a child and both of your parents are deceased, there’s that feeling of being alone and being orphaned. When your partner passes, there’s that feeling that this person you had this covenant relationship with has left this world. Who are you in their absence? It is so important for us to find purpose and reason for our existence because the person we love is part of that. Creating our purpose, our why, and our reason to get up out of bed every day is vital for our existence.

#13: I Am Capable Of Loving Again

Number 13, I am capable of loving again. I am happy. The idea of being in someone else’s presence and enjoying their time was something I was capable of doing. I considered the idea that I love my two children, Katherine and Alexander. I also considered the reality that Mark and I had spoken about what my life would look like in his absence.

Even though I can’t stand it, he was prepared to leave this world. He never thought he would make it to the age of 60, so we spent a good amount of time talking about what my life would be like in his absence. He told me, “I want you to continue living. I want you to have love in your life if possible.” It wasn’t something I wanted to hear at that moment in time, but when he passed and I was in this version of my life, I’m so glad that we talked about it.

I know some of you may have not had that conversation with your spouse. You are on the verge of wanting to date and you feel like, “Am I cheating? Am I doing something wrong?” I encourage you to sit down with some paper and write a letter to your spouse about wanting to date or possibly wanting to get married. Let that sit there for a moment, and then come back to that same table. Reposition yourself in a different seat and write the letter your loved one would write back to you. You know them well enough to write in their voice. That may give you the release, acceptance, and permission that you are looking for.

#14: Resources

Number 14, resources. There are so many books. There are so many people to talk to. There are so many support groups. The resources gave me information I did not know. What I know is there’s a lot I don’t know. There are so many people with podcasts and grief support groups giving out information. Those helped me understand how my body was responding to the grief, that there is such a thing as a grief fall, that there is a mental haze that is going on, and that my body feels a different way because of grief and it wasn’t me imagining this. Those resources gave me the power to know that my grief is not something just by myself. Again, other people are experiencing this.

Once I was able to normalize grief, it helped me to understand that this is something I will be able to live through and I’m happy for the life that I have. These are the fourteen things that I’ve learned on this journey of widowhood. There are a lot more that I can go over, so maybe I’ll make another episode of 15 through 28 or something like that. These are the 14 I wanted to share with you. I want you to know that I am sorry for the person that you have lost that has drawn you to this conversation but I am so glad that you are here. Thank you for spending this time with me. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.

Important Links

• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina’s Email
• Tina Fornwald on LinkedIn
• Tina Fornwald on Instagram