Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and healing isn’t linear. In this episode, Tina Fornwald sits down with Kimberly Byers, author of Grief Almost Had Me! Peace Brought Me Out, to explore the realities of widowhood, loss, and the power of community in healing. Kimberly shares her personal story of navigating grief, why she believes widowhood should feel like a sisterhood instead of isolation, and how self-care plays a crucial role in the healing process. She also discusses her faith, the importance of journaling, and how her books provide a step-by-step approach to moving forward after loss. If you’re struggling with grief or know someone who is, this conversation is a powerful reminder that peace is possible, even after loss.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World

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Grief Almost Had Me: The Journey Of Finding Peace And Strength With Kimberly Byers

Kimberly, welcome to the Widowhood.

Good afternoon, good day, and good evening, Ms. Tina.

When you hear, “Welcome to the Widowhood,” what comes to mind for you?

What Widowhood Really Means And Finding Support

For me, I’m thinking what is going on with widows today? How can all the widows come together and be a community? I think of widowhood as a neighborhood, sisterhood, or brotherhood. We are going through something together collectively.

What would that collective environment do for a widow? If a widow is tuning in to this conversation and she goes, “I want to be by myself. I’m not trying to talk to anybody. This is hot trash, and why would I want to get connected with you or any other widows?” Why?

I would say that that widow or that widower would need to listen in, relax a little bit, and know that when you are in something like this for however long, you are in a safe place. One of the things I would say is grief is not a time thing. You are in a safe place. Let’s talk about it. How can we relate? How can I support you in what you are going through right now?

When you say “Support you,” that word can have a lot of different meanings in different spaces. What does support look like when you speak of those words?

When I speak about support, I’m speaking from a place where I would say I’m going to be able to relate to what you are going through. When I say support, talk to me. I’m open to listening to you. A lot of times when you are talking to individuals, they are not actively listening. I want to be able to actively listen to you and then make sure that I understand what you said by repeating back. Not verbatim, but I want to highlight some of the things that you said for me to be able to support you going forward.

When I talk about the support, what did you highlight? For instance, if someone says, “I feel like I don’t have any time to do anything for myself anymore, even though it’s just me, but I’m doing everything still. I’m still taking care of the kids, I’m still working, I’m still cooking, I’m still helping with homework, and all these things. How can I do something for myself?”

I want to help them to understand that self-care is so important. You have to be able to provide and figure out how you can separate those two things and bring self-care into your world because that right there is a big help. It’s a big help for me even when someone says, “What are you doing for self-care?” That’s a big help because then it triggers something. I’m like, “I didn’t do X, Y, and Z for myself. I didn’t go get a facial, or maybe I will go get my nails done over the weekend.” Support that person through whatever they are going through at that time by active listening.

Introducing ‘Grief Almost Had Me’ And The 7-Step Workbook

Based on where that has taken us, I do have two of your books here. I have Grief Almost Had Me: Peace Brought Me Out! 7 Steps From Grief to Peace by Kimberly Byers, and Grief Almost Had Me: Peace Brought Me Out! The 7 Steps Workbook. Where can someone find these books?

Both of the books are available on Amazon, but if you go to my website ByHersPOM.com, you can purchase both of those books from that site or Amazon.

Thank you. We are going to travel down the books a little bit. I’m not going to give it all away, but enough that you see what you could possibly benefit from if you were able to walk with Kim in these books. Kim, what’s your favorite color?

My favorite color is blue.

Here you are all blue down and I had on blue too. Good job. We are going to start with the workbook. There’s always something very interesting with the first page or so, as far as the writer’s mindset or what their goal is. I’d like to read that if you don’t mind.

I don’t mind at all.

“Welcome. First, I want to give honor and thanks to God because this book would not have been possible without His grace and mercy. This book is dedicated to the memory of my mom, Valerie Gray Davis, my brother, Terrance Rd Byers, my uncle Daniel Roy, my aunt and cousin, Patricia Williams, and many others who have succumbed to cancer. May these steps provide you comfort and peace. Our loved ones would not want us to stay in an unhealthy place. Let these steps guide the way to peace. May they all rest in peace. God bless all who read this book. Much love.”

There is a verse here, 1 Corinthians 13:13, “There are three things that will endure faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love.” How long ago was this penned and what does it mean to you now hearing it read?

The workbook was written back in 2023. I wrote the workbook to give folks an idea of how they can slowly but encouragely work through the things that they are going through. It allows you to work through those seven steps in that book by writing some journal entries, talking about how you are feeling for that day, but also being mindful of the homework that’s in there. I want you to say it’s okay to not be okay. I want you to be able to provide self-care to yourself. I want you to understand that your loved ones don’t want you to dwell in that place where grief has you on hold and you don’t live anymore. You are stuck there.

Navigating Complicated Grief And Difficult Relationships

I’m going to throw you a zinger. What if my loved one and I had a horrible relationship? What if my loved one in their last breath wished me ill and did want me to suffer and did want me to feel guilty that I got to live and they were no longer here? Even though we would wish what you said is the statement, people are dealing with complicated grief and other different situations. That is their plight. How would you have that conversation with someone if that is truly their situation?

That’s a great question because I did encounter that with someone that I was coaching. She had a horrible relationship with her husband and she was trying to figure out how she could still go through grief because she was not grieving the loss of the relationship. She was grieving the fact that they never were able to come to a place of love and happiness. That’s the part she grieved because she worked so hard to get there and she couldn’t.

The workbook helps you to annotate those things, talk about those things, and write down those things. What still has you stuck? If you know you didn’t have a good relationship with that individual, but you are still grieving, think about what you are grieving. What are you grieving? Are you grieving the loss? Are you grieving the friendship? Some people may say, “I’m grieving the sex.”

Some people may say, “I’m grieving the fact that even though we had a horrible relationship, that person still took care of me.” You know what I’m saying? You have those people that take care of everything. Bills are paid, house bills are paid, and cars are paid, everything is paid, but our relationship sucked. You are still grieving that part. We still have to remember those people who are grieving. We still have to work and help with them and to help them move the needle forward so they are not stuck in that place.

Thank you. I love that answer because the reality is grief is messy. For people who have a relationship that doesn’t fit what society wants to hear, there is another layer of their grief where they often don’t feel like there’s a safe space for them to be heard. This is the second zinger I’m going to throw your way. Your faith in God is strong and pronounced for your personal journey. How do you work with someone if they don’t have faith, God is not their jam, and that is not their strong suit? How do you show up for someone so they don’t feel like, “I don’t believe in your faith, so how can you help me in this pain?”

Faith And Grief: Supporting Those Who Don’t Share Your Beliefs

You still work through the items or the steps that they need. For that person, it’s not about faith. It’s about the feeling. You want to talk to the person about how they are feeling. You have to be very mindful when you talk about that. You want to hear what they have to say. I heard you say that your grief is centered around the loss of the person because they feel like God stole them from me. They say, “God stole my loved one from me. I wasn’t asked if this was okay. I wasn’t given a choice. It was taken from me, and then what happened? What do I do with that?”

I sit and tell them, “It’s not always about what other people around you think.” If you don’t come back around to your faith, to God, or to whoever you serve, at least take care of yourself. Let’s talk about your self-care. Let’s talk about saying to people, “It’s okay for me not to be okay.” Let’s talk about how you can embrace the new change that is about to happen in your life. Without that person, that loved one, or whomever you lost, whatever the relationship was, you want to make sure that they can go forward.

You don’t have to focus on the faith. You don’t have to focus on God, but you also want to make sure that they know that there’s a little. You try to sneak it in there and say, “There’s still a little bit of praying that I’d like for you to do every now and again.” Throw a quote in there. Throw a scripture in there. It doesn’t have to be long. Make it short and straight to the point.

The 7-Step Workbook To Navigate Grief

The table of contents. I want to read the different chapters and we’ll dive into a few of those if you are okay with that.

I’m okay with that.

Step 1, express your emotions. Step 2, I am resilient. Step 3, living life to the fullest. Step 4, peace and positivity. Step 5, positive reinforcement. Step 6, journaling. Step 7, strong and capable. The way the book is set up, you have step one. You have some content that is shared, and then there are journal prompts and opportunities to put the date. I like that you don’t have the date in there. I want to share this with the audience. You may not do this in order. They’ll be able to do this every day.

Sometimes we want to go, “I’m going to get through my grief. I’m going to do this, I’m going to buy this journal,” and it’s prompt for every day, and then you do like 3 days, and then day 4 is triggering. You put this journal down, you do not see this thing for a whole week or two. Now you pick it back up and you guilt trip yourself because you missed a week or you didn’t stay on plan. That’s not going to happen to you in this process. You get to do this as it works out. Those are the things that I found super helpful. What were you going to say about that?

That is awesome. I am glad you noticed that. A couple of people were like, “Do I have to do this in order? Is this the process? I have to stick to your guidance?” I was like, “No. This is your book to do as you please. You follow it the way you feel. You can skip to tip 7 or come back to tip 1. Go to tip 6, come back to tip 2. You can do whatever you want.” I think that it gives a person a way to be flexible and to also don’t beat yourself up about missing something. Do it in your own time and how you want to do it. If you want to date it, you can date it, but you don’t have to.

Why Guilt Can Be A Major Barrier To Healing

I will say this, “I do encourage you to date it,” and the reason being, when you reflect 1, 2, or 3 later, it is so helpful to see the dates of when different things have transpired. To see when we thought I would cry forever, and I never had hope, to see that in 2025, I was doing this and it felt hopeless, and now I’m in 2028 and I can have hope. I can see the sun rising. I can see a rainbow and feel hopeful. Those dates can have a purpose in that.

The idea of saying, “Today, I felt like I needed a resilient conversation.” Maybe another day, I needed peace and positivity. Maybe the other day, I needed to understand that I was strong and capable, and grief is not linear. We are all over the place so can this process of going through this workbook meet you at your place of need. Just my tip. My suggestion.

That is so true. You don’t want to guilt trip yourself. You always want to stay, as much as you can, very positive in your journey because your journey is not going to always be positive. As you said, when people guilt-trip you. If these parents or these widowers have kids, they are going to guilt-trip them about that. If you say you want to go out and you want to date somebody else because you are ready to move on, but your kids are like, “Why are you ready to move on? It’s too soon. You shouldn’t be doing it.”

The guilt trip is zero because the one thing that has happened has happened. Your spouse is no longer here. The children, that was their parent, it is not the person you had the covenant relationship with. It is not the person you slept in the bed with and created them kids. It is not your neighbor who’s been looking from the far that has not been in this situation. If anyone is applying guilt to you, don’t let them. They do not get to control your grief journey, especially if it’s someone who has not traveled the road that you are on.

If you are using unhealthy coping skills or if you are doing things that are impeding your health, someone should caution you that. If someone is surely saying, “It has only been six months and I can’t believe you are going to go on a date,” and they are married, I’m like, “Are you going home to somebody in your bed? The last time I checked, I fulfilled my marriage vows, till death do us part.” If you go on a date a day after your spouse passed, or three years later, none of them equate to how much you love them, because you stayed and you were faithful. You may question whether or not you have the mental capacity to be in a relationship with someone else because you are still dealing with your grief, but they do not equate to your love for your person. I’m going to get into step one.

I love that. I might need you to talk to my aunt.

Shameless plug, every Friday on YouTube, I put out dating tips. You can look those up and it says, Best Dating Tips of 2025, and there’s information in there. Dating is a very difficult path to navigate as a widow. I will digress a little bit because people say, “My husband was the best thing to me, and no one will ever be like him.” You are right. There will only be one Mark Fornwald. My husband was amazing. I’m not looking for his clone. I’m not looking for someone else to be him. At this point, the game has leveled up because I know what it feels like to be treated well. I know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. If you are going to come to me, the game going to have to be strong. You going to have to be put together.

I’m okay with saying no because I’m not that thirsty. I have already had somebody for 32 years in my life. I was prepared to be single. I was prepared to say, “I’d rather have had a good marriage than walk into something bad for the sake of being alone.” I was prepared to workout at the gym hard, be doing all the catch and the flights with my sister, but when we go out on a date as a widow or widower, our children sometimes feel like, “Didn’t you love mom? Didn’t you love dad?” “I did. That’s how you got here, but right now you are outliving your life. I still have a life to live. I still have space for someone to come into my life and spend these years with me.”

I love it.

It’s Important To Accept When You Are Not Okay

Step one, it is important to accept when you are not okay and to be honest with those around you about how you are feeling. It’s okay and perfectly normal to miss someone in the closeness you once shared with them. What comes to your mind when hearing that?

When I think about that, I go back to my mom and my brother. I will say, “I go back to my mom and my brother,” because I had a very good relationship with my mom and my brother. We were tight. My brother would call me and not tell me what he was doing at that time when he called me, but he needed to call me at that particular time. I’m like, “What are you doing? Why are you calling me right now?” My mom and I had an ongoing phone conversation at 11:30 every day.

To be able to call her at 11:30 every day, whether I was at work or I came out of a meeting, I would make sure that I called her between that time. That’s what comes to my mind because I miss that. I miss having those conversations with them. My Uncle Dan was a lawyer. He would tell me different things and work with him. I was a good typer. I’m a good typer. I used to type up stuff for him and he was like, “Are you sure you don’t want to work with me?” I was like, “No, uncle. I don’t want to come work for you, but I will do whatever you need me to do when I’m in town.” They live in Jersey, so I’m always there when he helps.

My aunt cousin Pat, I didn’t know she was my cousin. I always thought she was my aunt. I found out she was my cousin. That’s why I call her that. She was a good person. She was positive and always had something positive to say. She would just call me, “I wanted to hear your voice because you always have something to say.” We were always laughing and joking. I have lost many family members, I’m sure as you are, but it’s nothing like that closeness that you had with you and your husband. For me, with my mom and my brother, it was a different type of closeness. It was a different type of feeling. I think back and I’m like, “I need to ask them about this.”

Thank you for sharing that. For the person who may be tuning in to this conversation who may feel like, “I’m not outspoken. I don’t know how to articulate my feelings, but this is so hard. I feel like it’s been six months, and when I talk to my friends and family about it, they are like, ‘How have you gotten over this yet?’” Tell me what made their eye blink? Tell me that.

That is one thing that is very hard for me to swallow. I do not like to hear someone tell another person, “You ain’t got over that person already. It’s been this long,” or “You need to move on with your life. You need to do what you need to do or whatever. It’s been too long and you are still grieving?” The first thing that would come out of my mouth and I would tell them, “Grieving has no timeline.”

Don’t tell somebody how long they need to grieve. Everyone’s grief path is different. If you tell somebody that they are only allowed to grieve for so long or such a period of time, who are you to tell them that? You can’t tell someone what’s in their heart and how they are feeling about how long they are supposed to grieve for somebody. You can’t do that. That’s unfair. That’s very selfish on that other person’s part for saying that to that person.

I like that you used the word selfish because generally, I have found the person who’s making that statement is uncomfortable in your grief. They are uncomfortable with holding a safe space. They are so hyperfocused on their own mortality and how this could potentially impact them that they don’t know how to show up and be there for a person.

It’s very hard when you hear that conversation. You want to pull that other person aside who made that statement. You want to pull them inside and tell them, “Let me ask you a question. Have you ever lost someone before who was very close to you? Not just anybody. I’m talking about somebody who created an environment with you that you enjoyed being in their presence. Have you ever had someone in your life like that, and that person now is no longer there? Whether it was a friendship, a grandparent, an uncle, a cousin, a brother, or a sister, if you shared a sacred space with that person and it was wonderful when you were with them, and now they are no longer there.” You should see the look that they give me when I tell them that. They are like, “I didn’t think about it like that.” I said, “You have to because you have to be sensitive to the person that you are telling to get over it. You can’t do that.”

The journal prompt in the same section as step one, why is it important to accept and acknowledge your feelings even when they are difficult or uncomfortable?

Sometimes when you can acknowledge something is going on with you and that you are feeling a certain way, it allows you to be able to express it instead of lashing out. When I was grieving for my mom and my brother, I was not a good person to be around. I’m going to say I was angry. I was mad. It was very disheartening because I had a twelve-year-old son who was watching all of this. When he came to me and said to me, “Mom, who’s going to take care of me?” I didn’t think about that because I was hearing from his teachers that he was having a rough time at school. He was lashing out and he was being nasty to people at school. I’m like, “He was watching me.” I had to change and I had to make that adjustment because I had to consider how he was coping with all of this. It was hard for him as well.

He was very close to my mom and my brother. I had to sit down with him and said, “Let’s talk about how we feel. Let’s talk about our feelings because I don’t want you to have to go to school and struggle with people when they start talking about your grandma or talking about somebody that died or whatever,” because I know it bothered him so much.

We sat down. We had a conversation about our feelings. I also provided him with a journal to start journaling those feelings that he had. I told him, “You don’t need to show this to nobody. This is only for you. You don’t even need to show it to me. If you can’t talk to me about your feelings, you write it down.” That’s why I say that journaling is important when it comes to your feelings because we try to hold so much in and it’s very unhealthy.

I would agree with that. Thank you. Going back a little bit to the idea of community. Widowhood, that name is intentional. I, the widow, lost my husband, but hood means family to me. I’m from Chicago. That’s what that is. My husband passed, but my children’s father also died. My husband’s brothers lost a brother. Nieces lost an uncle. Somebody lost a friend.

The delicate part of it is everybody is grieving the same person, but they are grieving a different relationship, and their personalities are different. Their grief could populate in a different way. I love how you mentioned sitting down with your son and giving him space to express how his grandmother or his uncle no longer being here impacts his life. Whether he was mimicking your behavior or expressing his grief differently, that exists and it should be validated and acknowledged. That’s good. Step four, peace and positivity. Just like with self-care and mental health, women often put off taking care of their physical health too, including regular checkups, exercising, and addressing any physical ailments. What comes to mind when you’re hearing that now?

Peace And Positivity: On Self-Care And Mental Health

When I think about those things, I think about how my brother was so focused on his family and he forgot to focus on himself. When they found out that he had cancer, he was already at stage four. I think about my sister-in-law. You are here taking care of my brother, your husband. Tell me how you are taking care of yourself.

My mom, I was her caregiver. I realized there were some things that I wasn’t doing for myself. I had to start making sure that I was eating, exercising, and being healthy myself because if I wasn’t here, how was I going to take care of her? How am I going to take care of my son? All of those things when it comes to self-care, we have to remember that men don’t like to go to the doctor. I’m going to put it out there. You know your husbands, brothers, nephews, cousins, whatever. They don’t like to go to the doctor, but if you talk to them about things that they need to do for self-care for a man, we should be two times quicker taking care of ourselves because we have to be mindful of them. We want to make sure they are okay. Those are the things that I think about.

Self-care. I need to get doctor’s appointments scheduled for the year or every six months, whatever that looks like. I need to make sure that I’m getting my eyes checked, my ears checked, and all that stuff. Those things that we don’t think in our peripheral that we need to do. We think, “I got a pain. It will be all right. Let me go take a pill.” “My leg is hurting. Just stay off for a couple of days. You’re going to be all right.” No. There are some underlying issues that you may want to look at. That way, self-care is in your purview. You can see it. I’m doing it, I’m focused. I want to make sure that your audience understands that self-care for everybody is very important. Please, make sure you are getting checked out and push that to your husbands, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts, and everybody. Let everybody know. Get checked out.

What would you say if we bumped into each other in the grocery store and I was talking about my knee hurting, but I don’t have time to do this for me because I’m going grocery shopping for my mom who’s bedridden and I’m the only person to care for her. I would feel guilty if I took time and had a home health person there and I went and did that.

I would say it was okay for you to do that, but if I was in the grocery store and I ran into you, I’m going to help you out. I’m going to help you out to get them groceries. You are not going to be running around all these aisles. Let’s split the list into halves. Let me help you get the groceries you need. Let the healthcare provider take care of your mom for right now while you are out for a couple of hours doing your grocery shopping, and you’ll get back as soon as you can, but I would minimize your time so you wouldn’t be stuck in that grocery store for hours.

Not only that but flip to the side when you are grieving and people say, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Those mundane tasks are some things that people can pick up for you. You can sit there and pick out everything and let somebody else go pick it up for you. There are opportunities to relieve yourself of some of the stress that seems very simple, but when your loved one passes, it is very hard to do some of the little tasks that we took for granted. This is under the same section, step four, peace and positivity. This is a journal prompt. What has your journey with grief and negative thinking been like and how have you coped with these emotions in the past?

That was the hardest part for me. I felt guilty. I felt like I didn’t do enough for my mom. Even though I was her caregiver, I asked my mom to please go and have a second opinion. My mom did that. She went and had a third opinion. She allowed us to go back and forth to Philadelphia, to the Cancer Treatment Center. She did that.

She kept telling me she was doing this for me. I said, “You can’t do this for me. You have to do this for you because if you are not doing it for you, what’s the point?” I needed her to do that for her, and I felt guilty because when she told me that she was ready to go home, I ain’t going to lie, I’m a jokester. I told her. I said, “You are home.” She’s like, “No, not this home.” She said, “This home. I’m ready to go home. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of them poking me. I’m tired of doing this chemotherapy. I’m tired of the radiation,” and it broke me.

It broke me that time. I said to myself, “Did I do enough when she passed? Did I do enough for her? Was she in the right place that she needed to be in?” For my brother, because he lived in Missouri and I live here in Virginia, that was very hard for me to not be there because I have always been there for him. When I got there, the first thing he said to me was, “I don’t want to die alone and please be here for me.” I didn’t leave his sight until he closed his eyes.

Strong And Capable: Seeking Help And Support

That is a lot and thank you for sharing. It is important for people that you are serving as a coach for them to understand this is not like Kim went and got her coaching certificate and she’s out here giving you these theoretical answers. Even though when you are coaching, you are coaching, as you said, by listening and meeting them at their point of need. Your backdrop is your own experience, which allows you to have empathy in the way in which you would show up to support somebody.

I forgot to mention the daily affirmations. When we are grieving, our mind can play tricks on us. The head chatter game is strong, and it is so important. You may not be able to grasp something positive, to give yourself something, food for your soul, to have a daily affirmation in here too, because you may have been the praise worship person in the church, and now you think, “My brother used to sit next to me in church.” It’s hard for me to go to church. I used to worship, but now I don’t see my wedding band on my hand and I’m afraid to put up my hand. Maybe all the things connected in your life may have been.

When you get in the car and you are driving, maybe that was the time you talked to your mom on the way to work or your children. Those people not being here have a way of stunting your mental capacity. Having the affirmations here, you could pick any page you want to. It may not go with what you are reading in the journal, but you can flip through the workbook and find an affirmation. I’m going to read the one as it relates to step seven, strong and capable.

“I am strong and capable of overcoming any challenges that come my way. I didn’t say the challenges are not going to come, but I’m strong and capable.” As you said, it may not be fast. Eventually, it may play out, it may take time to get your strategy together to do different things, but you are capable. I’m going to say one reason why I know you are capable, you are tuning in to this conversation, which tells me you have decided, “This is hard. My loved one not being here is difficult, but I am seeking out resources, listening to podcasts, and reading blogs.” You are going to find whatever it takes for you to make sure to learn how to let this not be the place where your story ends. The grief will become a part of your journey, but this is not the thing that is going to overcome you. You are choosing to put in the work and overcome the situation. What would you say to that?

I would say you are correct about that because anytime that you can say, “I am not going to let this stop me. I am going to continue to push forward. I am and I will be able to get through this,” that’s what you want to do. You want to keep doing that and you want to keep pushing forward, and you might have to constantly say that over and over again. Guess what? It is okay because at the end of the day, you’ll remember that and you’ll walk for the day or you’ll walk on the next day.

You’ll remember the things that have allowed you to move forward and not stay stuck in that place of grief because grief is hard. Grief doesn’t stop. It helps you to get through it, not over it. Remember, you don’t just get over stuff. People always say, “Get over it. You’ll be all right.” No. You have to go through it to get to the other side.

The other thing I want to mention about the book. I remember when my late husband passed, reading was hard. Looking at all that font on a sheet of paper. This font is not grandma’s super large, but it is amenable size to allow you to focus, digest, read, and not get overwhelmed. There’s enough on each page to be able to because we are operating a little slower than normal. We are not in our regular cadence. We want something to help us, but we don’t want to feel overwhelmed.

I want to read this also on step seven, which is strong and capable. “As a last step in getting through grief and depression, it may be beneficial for you to seek professional help. Mental health is real, and seeking a professional to help does not mean you are crazy or weak. Professional help can be beneficial to anyone, but it’s important to note that therapists are not one-size-fits-all.”

Therapists are not one-size-fits-all. A therapist that you may need, you might not need that therapist in six months. You may need a different one because sometimes grief can have you so tightly wound up and so angry and mad and you don’t want to do anything. Some people don’t even make it past getting through the grief because they have given up.

They have stopped and the therapist could not pull them out. They drug them up, they talk to them, they give them more drugs, they make them write, they make them read, but at the end of the day, that therapist is not for you. You need to move on. You need to get another therapist because you want to balance when you have a therapist. If the therapists haven’t moved you in the first 45 days of you seeing them, you need to get rid of them.

It’s not you because they are the professional, but you don’t know what that therapist is going through too. You have to be mindful of that. Have a conversation with the therapist so you know how long they have been in business, and what they have going on in their world. Get to know that person. Get a little personal with that person because I did. Ask them upfront, “Are you planning on giving me medicine to get through this?”

As you all like to say, “Get over it.” “If you are going to give me drugs, you are not the one for me. I need to move on.” What I need to do is someone to talk me off the ledge. Talk me through this process. Let me know that I’m not crazy because I’m feeling so overwhelmed with grief. You want to make sure that the therapist is listening to you and hearing you and not, “Let me write you a prescription.”

I would say this. Going back to that individuality, somebody may need medication. It is understanding what you think you need and aligning yourself with the person that serves you. What you were needing was that I have spoken to people who found their loved one that had committed suicide, that trying to take that out of their life or the death happened in front of them. It’s okay if medication is required in your particular journey. You may want to ask, “How long do you foresee me being on medication?”

There you go. That’s good. That’s a better way to put it.

How does medication impact my daily interaction? Can I be on this medication and still work? Is it going to make me lethargic? How is this going to impact the way I show up in life? What are some organic options? What are some foods or different teas or things that I can bring into my life? How does working out rigorously impact my ability? Ask those questions. Be a participant in your healing, in your journey, and not let someone dictate how it’s going to go, maybe in that process of understanding who works better with you.

I agree with you completely on that. I can’t backtrack on that because that is a true statement. Just to let your audience know, I’m not saying that medicine is not good because if you need pills, you need pills. You need some medicine to help you get over the hump. That’s fine. Keep in mind that those can alter your way of thinking too. You need to be mindful of that. A lot of times, we can be mindful of certain things, but if we are not mindful of the amount that can take us over and bring us into a different space, then that’s difficult too. We want to make sure that we are doing the right things for ourselves and our bodies. The holistic way is always a good way as well.

I want to also share a prompt from step seven, how individuals take care of themselves and set boundaries to aid in their recovery from grief and depression.

That was very important to set boundaries because there were a lot of times people that I knew felt like they needed to be in my space and that they needed to be there for me. I was heartbroken when my mom passed away. That’s how tight my mom and I were. Some family members thought I was going to die of heartbreak. They thought I was not going to make it after my mom passed away.

Don’t get me wrong, my heart was broken. I was close to my grandparents, but that loss with my mom was a different type of loss for me, and I can only speak from my point of view. I was hurt, I was broken, I was depressed. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat, I didn’t go to work. I didn’t do anything. That depression, I felt, was taking over the actual issue of grief. The depression was taking over because that’s what I felt like. I felt this wave of darkness come over me. I felt like that depression was taking over. It was not even like, “I’m grieving my mom because I felt her presence still here in the house,” but it was the depression because I knew that she wasn’t.

It was like, “I have to do something different with this. I need a breakthrough. I need something to break out of this depression so I can grieve properly because I wasn’t grieving properly.” I know I wasn’t. I read. I had been journaling since my mom got sick. I started reading over all that journaling I was doing, and I asked my mom if I could write about her. She said, “I do want you to do that. You can write about me, but I want you to remember, don’t forget your dreams.” That right there helped me get through my grief.

In the depression, I was like, “The therapist did that.” She did her thing. She knew exactly what I needed, but the grief part was what was now taking over and I had to like, “I need to spread, I need to think, I need to walk, I need to work out, I need to do whatever.” Reading back over that journal that I was journaling about my mom was an eye-opener for me. We had a great relationship.

Your mother’s name?

Valerie Davis. We had an awesome relationship.

From Grief To Showing Up For Others

What moved you from your grief to wanting to show up for other people?

I found that there are a lot of people living with their own type of grief. It’s not always about the loss of a loved one. It’s another type of grief people go through. Whether it’s a job, the loss of a pet, the loss of a relationship, or the loss of themselves. Some people are in relationships with others and they feel like they have lost themselves. They don’t know who they are anymore.

As they feel that way, you are like, “Tell me how it started. Tell me what makes you think you lost yourself.” When they start telling me things that they feel like why they lost themselves even though their family is still around them, it’s because they were so focused on everybody else and they forgot, “I’m a person. I am somebody.”

In order to move through that, you have to remember, you got to take care of yourself. You have to set those boundaries with others. You can’t let everybody in your wheelhouse. Everybody is not for you. Setting those boundaries is so important, and besides that, making sure that when you are feeling a certain way it’s starting to make you feel not so good and you are feeling ill inside, think about all those little things that have happened over a five-day period. Something in there has gotten you to that place. It’s because of something that you didn’t do for yourself. You have to take care of yourself.

Loving Yourself In This Season Of Love

Thank you for that. This episode is going to take place in February, and February is the month of love and the month of all of this. People are reminiscing about their spouses who are no longer here. Whether they celebrated Valentine’s Day or not, the commercials got you on hinge, the jewelry commercial, the Hallmark commercials. As we get prepared to wrap up this conversation, what are some ways that I can level myself in this season of love and self-care and bring that into my space as a widow or widower?

I would say to still take yourself out to dinner. Buy yourself some flowers. Buy yourself some candy. Go get a many and a petty. Go get your hair done. What’s that lady that does your facial? Go buy yourself an outfit. Put that outfit on. Look in the mirror and look how fly you are, and then take yourself out. That’s what I would tell you to do.

What if I would also tell you to write a book to start taking that journal, start taking the things that you have done? We did a good job of covering through the 7 Steps Workbook. I want to talk about the title Grief Almost Had Me! Peace Brought Me Out. How did that come about?

Grief Almost Had Me! Peace Brought Me Out

When I was grieving my mom, my brother, my aunt, and my uncle, for me, it took something out of me. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt like I couldn’t get back up. I felt like I was almost done. I had nothing else to go forward. I had my son. I saw my son. I was looking at his face, but when he told me, “Mom, who’s going to take care of me?” I was like, “I got to get out of this.” I had to find peace, the breaking point where I could pull myself up by my bootstraps and say, “I got to keep going for him.” Even if I don’t do it for myself. I had to keep going for him, my sisters, and my brother. I have another brother. I had to keep going for my dad. I had to keep going because I knew that they too were watching how I dealt with the grief of losing the two people that I was very close to.

You mentioned that even with your son being there, but still feel alone. Can you talk about the feeling of being alone in a crowd of people?

That’s where I get a little emotional. My mom and I used to go everywhere together. When I was in the military, she would come and see me in whatever country I was in. She would travel with me. When she would want to go somewhere, I would book the trip. We would go on this trip and we would be together. A couple of years ago, when I would go out and I would be out with my family and my friends, I was still looking for my mom because my mom was always there. I felt lonely because I was missing her at the time.

That was very hard for me, and it was like, “How do I get through that?” That’s why I said it makes me very emotional because I think about when I’m in a crowd of people who would bring me up out of that, and it’s the thought of my mom, and just reminiscing about what would we be doing if she and I were standing here and not just me with these people.

I’m going to read something out of chapter one of this book. Chapter one, “Grief is one of many things I have experienced and I have not fully been able to understand or completely articulate my feelings concerning. What I do now in grief can strike at any given moment. Even when a person is still living amongst us, expressing my feelings, and relating to my losses has always been difficult. Therefore, I decided to write this short yet informative book.”

When I wrote that, when I thought about when I was writing that, I was thinking about my grandparents because my grandparents were part of my mom. They were close to me. I clung to them growing up. My mom always said to me, “Your grandparents know all about you. They know who you are. They know all about you. They think about you and they wonder about you every time you go when you are in the military. I don’t worry as much about you because I knew that being in the military is what you always wanted to do.”

My grandfather told me one day, he was like, “I don’t know why your mama named you Kim,” because he calls me Tim. That’s what he called me. I asked him, “Granddaddy, you don’t know my name.” He said, “No, I know your name.” I said, “Why do you call me Tim?” He said, “It’s because you should have been a boy,” because everything that he did, I learned how to do. My brother was four years younger than I, the one that passed. He wasn’t interested in that stuff.

My grandfather in the garden. I’m in there. He’s gutting a deer. I’m in the back of his truck watching him. He got his dogs ready to go hunt, and I’m back there feeding them. Everything, pulling apples and pears off the tree and in the garden and working around the house in the truck. When he is working on the truck, “What are you doing? What are you working on? I want to see it. I want to know everything you are doing.” He never called me by my name, and then my mom always called me Slim. She didn’t call me by my name either. It was interesting having that dynamic with them, and then I was in the military when they passed.

I came home and then I went back to wherever I was and I grieved them there. With my mom being here in the house, living here, and being with me the last five years of her life, it was like, “We got closer and closer because she physically was in the house.” I was gone before, but when I retired it was like, “Mom, you moving in with me.” She fought me on it. I was like, “Mom, this is the best place for you. I can be here for your treatments and take you.” I felt like that right there for me was like, “I got to hold onto this as long as I can.” Not knowing she was going to be gone.

To me, it was quicker than I expected, but she was ready, and even though she was ready, we weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. My son wasn’t ready. It allowed us to understand that person is still with you, and if you miss them for me, I can only speak for me. When I miss my mom, I go to sleep thinking about her and I can see her.

Supporting The Bereaved: Finding A Path Forward

Kim, thank you for sharing your heart and having this candid conversation. What are some of the ways in which you serve the bereaved?

By having different masterclasses. I have a masterclass that allows the people who are grieving or people who want to have someone to talk to. I have a masterclass where they can come and most of the time it’s virtual. I have a couple of in-house or in-person events, but having a masterclass and being able to allow people to be in this space is refreshing and I get so much positive feedback from them.

“You don’t know how much you helped me.” “I felt so stuck before I came here, and now I feel like I can do something now. I can move, I can do things that I didn’t do and didn’t want to do. It’s always good when people can reach out to you via Facebook or Instagram. I’m on TikTok. That’s how you and I met. I like that, and I hope that your readers will try to come out and find me and look and see. I have an event coming up on March 1st, 2025 in Springfield, Virginia, and I will make sure that I put that information out so you can share it with your audience.

I have asked you a ton of questions. Any questions for me?

I want to say thank you for allowing me to share in this space, in your space. A lot of times, we don’t know there are people like you who are out here to support those who are out there and need that support in widowhood. It’s very difficult when they don’t know. I’m glad that you put yourself out there and you become so vulnerable and so transparent that people can see you and understand that what they are doing and what they are going through does not have to end there. They can still move forward and they can still live. I want to say thank you for that. Thank you so much.

You are welcome. No questions then.

No. I don’t have any questions for you because this conversation we had was amazing. I enjoyed it. Thank you. Thank you for also making it known and clear on some things as well as we have had this dialogue. I appreciate that as well.

You are welcome. I will allow you to say the final words and wrap up this conversation.

I would say to your audience, if they want to reach out to me, I would like them to go to ByHersPOM.com. My business name is By Hers Peace of Mind. That’s how the POM comes about. My email address is Kim@byherspom.com or you can text the word PEACE to (571) 604-5573 to reach out to me.

Thank you for being here. Everyone, have a good day. I am so sorry for this situation in your life that has brought you to this conversation, but I am grateful that you allowed us to hold this space for you.

Important Links

• ByHers Peace of Mind
• Kimberly Byers on Facebook
• Kimberly Byers on Instagram
• Kimberly Byers on TikTok
• Grief Almost Had Me! Peace Brought Me Out: 7 Steps From Grief to Peace
• Grief Almost Had Me: Peace Brought Me Out! 7 Steps Workbook
• Kimberly Byers’s Email Address

About Kimberly Byers

International Keynoter | Author | Transformation Coach

Kimberly L. Byers is a beacon of resilience and inspiration. As the visionary CEO of ByHers Peace of Mind, LLC, Kimberly’s mission transcends coaching; it’s a commitment to leading women through the intricate dance of life’s challenges and triumphs.

With an illustrious 28-plus-year military career, including multiple deployments across diverse landscapes, Kimberly is not just a speaker; she’s a seasoned leader, drawing from a well of experience that has shaped her into the dynamic force she is today. Her journey unfolded amidst profound loss, with a horrific car accident threatening her military dreams and the loss of several family members succumbing to cancer right behind one another. Yet, this journey propels her passion for guiding others — not merely to overcome obstacles but to navigate them with purpose and resilience.

Kimberly’s transformative journey has graced prestigious stages nationwide, from news/radio interviews to the One Woman: Fearless International Women’s Summit and the Leadership Experience Tour at Michigan State University in Detroit, MI. Her signature talks resonate with audiences, focusing on overcoming adversity, navigating life’s struggles, and rediscovering the willpower to experience joy.

The depth of her impact is underscored by the prestigious Presidential Lifetime Achievement and the UN’s Global Women Foundation Leadership Award. She has been featured in major media platforms such as ABC, NBC, FOX, The CW, US Insider, NY Weekly, and CEO Weekly.

ByHers Peace of Mind, LLC, is not just a program; it’s a transformative odyssey.