Losing a spouse can feel like the end of your world, leaving you navigating a landscape of grief and hopelessness. In this heartfelt conversation, guest Gina Sevey draws a poignant parallel between the slow, deliberate process of baking sourdough bread and the journey of widowhood, emphasizing that grief cannot be rushed. Through her personal story of loss and her mission to support others, Gina explores how to manage overwhelming emotions, the necessity of community, and the transformative power of shifting your thought processes. Listeners will gain actionable insight into how to honor their past while finding the strength to embrace a future where joy and grief can coexist, ultimately learning a new way to stand in their own lives.
I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.
Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World.
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Watch the episode here
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Life After Loss: Gina Sevey On Widowhood, Grief Support & Healing After Spousal Loss
When your spouse died, did you feel like your life was over? Did you feel like you were hopeless? Did you feel like nothing was worth doing anymore? Have you been looking for a way to change that thought process, to be hopeful, to think that there are opportunities for you to have joy? If that is you, this is a conversation you want to be in with Gina. Let’s get into this discussion.
Gina, welcome to the Widowhood.
Thank you so much. I’m so glad and honored to be here.
When I say, “Welcome to the Widowhood,” and you say you’re honored and glad, the backstory or the ticker tape is what we would read, or would it be something else?
I’m sad that I have to be here.
There we go.
I always say to the ladies in my group, “I wish I were teaching you how to make sourdough bread, but this is where we are at.”
The Sourdough Metaphor: Processing Grief
What are some similar processes to make sourdough bread as it relates to dealing with, managing, and surviving widowhood? Are there similarities?
There are. The thing about sourdough bread, rather than making regular bread, is that with sourdough, there’s a long fermentation. You can’t rush it. Grief is the same thing. It’s something you cannot rush. Timing is so important with sourdough bread. You put that starter in with the flour and water, and then you let that levain rise. That’s a seven-hour process.
Grief is the same as making sourdough bread—it's something you cannot rush. Share on XYou’ve then got to make the dough, and there’s even a process within making the dough. It’s not mixing it up and then slapping it in some stuff. There’s a process, and it requires time. It is the same thing for widowhood. There’s a process, and it’s your process. Grief is the same. We all lost our husbands. If you’re a widow, you lost your husband. The process can be different depending on how you look at it.
Thank you for diving into that impromptu question. I could see some similarities. Would you share your husband’s name with us?
Sure. My husband’s name is Lew.
When you heard me ask for his name, what image came to mind or memory?
His smile, his presence, and his joy for life. If you knew Lew, you knew Lew. He’s bold and fearless. Whenever I hear his name, I think he made an impression on my life and on so many other people’s lives.
Do you remember the first time you met Lew?
Yes.
Do tell.
We were both at a community college. He was in the Military. He was going back to school so that he could become an officer in the Military. I met him because I had a boyfriend at the time, and he introduced Lew to me in the common area. He was so funny and so different. He’s seven years older than me. I was like, “He’s a cutie,” but I was dating somebody. He was dating someone, too.
That next semester, I had broken up with that guy, and I wound up seeing Lew again. He had gotten out of jump school. He had short hair. I remember putting my hand on his head, and I was like, “You got your hair cut.” He asked me, with my friend, like, “How about if you, your boyfriend, and I see a movie together?” That’s how it started. I used to live in Chicago. We went down to the city, and it was so much fun.
Do you remember the movie?
First Blood.
Appropriate for a Military guy. Were you into the movie or into Lew? Which one was it?
Lew. I do remember thinking as I was in the movie, “Why did I say yes to this?” but it was a good movie.
Have you seen it since?
No.
It was not that great.
It wasn’t one of those Sunday afternoons repeat movies.
Navigating Love, Faith, And Early Marriage
You and Lew go out on this date, and where do we go from there?
I was telling my daughter that the night that Lew took me home, because he dropped everyone and me off and walked me to my door. He gave me a butterfly kiss. I remember thinking, “He didn’t kiss me on my lips. He kissed me and gave me a little butterfly kiss.” I was like, “He’s different.” We started dating from there. We dated for a couple of years and then got married.
Let’s back it up. At what point did we become exclusive? How did this come about? Was it organic?
It was organic. He was fun and funny. My parents weren’t super excited about him because he was older. He had been married before.
Lew came with baggage as far as they were concerned.
They were like, “Not my little girl.” I was twenty when I met him. He was 27. They were not happy in the beginning. It’s funny when I think about it because he was the first guy that I was willing to buck my dad for. My dad was a big man and scary. I listened. If my dad said no, it was no. With Lew, I was like, “No, Dad. I like him. I want to explore this,” even though I was young. I was twenty. I look back, and I was such a baby.
What was your dad’s response?
He didn’t like it. We happened to be at his brother’s house. I’ll never forget this. We were at my uncle’s house. My cousin, who is about ten years older than me, said, “Uncle Bernie, she’s going to be an adult in a year by legal standards. When are you going to let her be one?” I was like, “Thank you, Bob.”
How did Lew win them over? What was that transitional moment when they knew he was staying there?
It was a long transition.
Long as in months or years?
After we got married.
That happens. Sometimes, you’ll take that risk, and you’re going against your parents. Sometimes, your parents know, and sometimes, they don’t. Did they come to the wedding?
They did.
Were you already having the first child when they finally said, “Okay,” or was it the wedding?
I know it wasn’t the wedding. I was born and raised Catholic. We didn’t get married in the church, and that was a huge thing for my parents. My mom is still alive, and I think she still thinks I wasn’t married in the eyes of God.
Everyone who is reading this conversation has no idea. They’re like, “She got married in church. She’s not married.” Roll that back. What does that mean, being Catholic and being married outside the church? What does all that mean to help everyone understand?
Within the Catholic church, both need to be confirmed as Catholics. Lew was not. He was not a believer at that time. I had walked away from the Catholic church for some reason. I had a dear friend who committed suicide. There was not a lot of support within the church, so I was like, “I don’t buy this.”
For someone who’s Catholic who has taken their own life, there’s a belief of what?
There’s a belief that they don’t go to Heaven, and I didn’t believe that.
That would create a dissension.
Within the home, my parents were like, “You have to,” and I was like, “I need to figure this out.” Knowing that, my parents wanted me to get married in the church, but I didn’t want to get married in the Catholic Church. Lew didn’t want to become a Catholic, so they were not going to let him do it. We got married at his parents’ house. My parents came. They were gracious. It took them seeing, “They’re going to stay married.”
How did Lew propose? How did that happen? We went right past that. I’m sorry.
This is so funny. We were at his sister’s house. We were watching her house. He started talking to me and was like, “I got something I want to ask you.” I was like, “Okay.” It was right after I turned 21. He got on his knee and presented the ring. I was like, “Yes.” I was down. I was so happy.
You guys get married. Where do we go? Was Lew still on active duty?
He graduated from Northern Illinois University. He was commissioned in the Army. He was a Marine first, but he wanted to jump out of planes. He wanted to be in the Special Forces. He also wanted to be an officer in the Military. He became an intelligence officer. We had to move from Illinois to Arizona to Fort Huachuca, and went on base there. I had never been involved in any Military ever.
Have you lived in Illinois before this?
No.
My late husband was stationed at Fort Huachuca before we got married. I was stationed in Korea, and he was in Fort Huachuca. I came back to visit him there. There’s a slight difference in the temperature. I’m from Chicago, Illinois. Illinois and Arizona are very different places. How was that for you, adjusting to being away from home and being in a new environment? How was all that for you?
We loved Arizona. The adjustment to feeling alone was hard because Lew was gone a lot. I’m in this town where my family is not around. That was a hard adjustment I had to make. I did get a job because I needed to do something. That was great. We loved Arizona. The West became more of our home than Chicago did.
Also, there’s this subculture in the Military where there generally should have been things for Military spouses to get together, form new relationships, and connect that way. Did you experience any of that?
I did. Lew had met several of the guys who were in the course. I met their wives and hung out with them, too. That was nice getting to know them and getting to be part of this community. It was cool.
I think you have children. When did they start coming into the picture?
Courtney was born in Arizona. She’s going to be 38. She was born in Arizona, and then we moved. Lew had gone into the private sector and gotten out of the Military. Both of us regret that because his number one heart was the Military. Funnily enough, I had said, “You’re always going to be traveling. It’s probably not going to be great for our marriage,” but he got into the private sector and traveled all the time. My hindsight on that was terrible.
You don’t know until you know.
We moved from Arizona to California. We lived in California. My son was born in California, and he’s 33.
Parenting And Finding Strength In Widowhood
How does it feel to have adult children?
They’re amazing. It’s different because they’re adults, but I’m still their mom. Sometimes, I have to be like, “Remember, I’m still the mom.” They’re so grounded, so I’m blessed by that.
How is being their parent different in Lew’s absence?
In the beginning, it felt heavy. It felt heavy because it felt like I had to take on all of that, both the parenting and filling a void. I realized I couldn’t do that. I had to let that be what it is. That he is gone, and that my space here is still important. My kids have given me so much grace. In the beginning, I felt like, “I’m to be a burden.” They’d be like, “Mom, you’re never going to be a burden.” That was hard in the beginning, feeling like they had to take care of me or invite me to everything. It has gotten to where they’re able to do their own thing. They don’t need to have me, but when they invite me, I’m like, “They want me there.”
That is such an important part of this widowhood experience. You mentioned, “I am enough. I cannot be the parent that’s not here for myself.” Giving yourself the, “I’m enough. We’re okay,” sounds good theoretically, but the process to get there is not so simplistic. If you met a widow that you’re coaching or in your group, how do you encourage them, share, or provide information as far as helping them see they are enough?
I’m big on what we think of the scripture. What always would come to mind to me was to take captive every thought that you have. I’m very big on like, “With what I’m saying, is that helping me?” In the beginning, I was angry at the church. I was angry at people who weren’t showing up. I thought that would show up. I had a lot of things I had to work through and realized that those thoughts that I was entertaining were keeping me from my own healing.
You mentioned scripture. What book are you referencing?
The Bible, sorry.
For the person who may not believe in the Bible, is that statement beneficial for them?
The reason why I believe that is that whether you are a believer or not, your thoughts are going to create certain emotions, feelings, and actions. I always say, “Get curious about your thoughts, not judge them.” Maybe you’re thinking, “I should be further along or I shouldn’t be crying so much or maybe I’m crying too much or whatever it is.” We say a lot of shoulds. I always think, “Get curious about that.” I say, “Get fascinated by your thoughts because your thoughts tell what’s happening here in your heart.” Whether you’re a believer or not, your thoughts are doing something. They’re creating some emotion and then some action or inaction.
I thought of something. The thought landed. What do I take that next step to become curious or fascinated about it? What does that process look like?
I used to say this a lot. Instead of, “I wish I had done this or I should have done this for Lew. If only I had done that.” I would get curious, like, “I keep saying that, and it doesn’t feel good when I’m saying that. How can I make that feel better?” I did the best that I could with the resources I had. I loved that man up until his last breath.
Probably still now.
For sure. Even this fierce advocacy for him. Nothing was going to get in the way of taking care of him. After he died, I had a lot of thoughts, like, “I should have done this or maybe if I had told the night nurse this or if I had done that.” When I say getting curious, it means don’t judge your thoughts. Curiosity will keep it from becoming a stumbling block. When you’re saying all these shoulds, it’s like, “Is that helpful?” It wasn’t helpful for me.
Thank you. I don’t want to ask a lot of questions to interrupt, but would you be willing to share with us Lew’s final days in this world? What part do you want to start with, and bring us to that? I feel like it’s usually better without interruptions to allow you to share.
A Tragic And Beautiful Transition: Final Days
I would love to. I have never seen anyone die before. A few weeks before Lew passed away, I remember being here in the bedroom. This is where my office is. I was folding clothes, and he was sitting on the bed. He had melanoma. His cancer had come back. He had melanoma in 2020 on the top of his head. They had found a spot, but it had traveled to his lymph node. He had major surgery, recovered, and was in remission in July 2023.
In September 2023, we found a spot, and that spot caused his death. It was nodule melanoma, so it was popping up everywhere. One of the spots was pushing behind his eye, so he was losing his sight in this eye. He was in immense pain. For some reason, at this moment, on the bed, I was folding clothes. He was, at this point, in hospice. I said, “Do you know what’s happening to you, honey?” He said, “Yes, I’m dying.” I said, “Are you scared?” He said, “I’m not scared.” I said, “I am,” and he said, “Don’t be scared.” I went and sat next to him, and we cried. He said, “I’m going to miss you the most.”
Both of us cried. I don’t know if some people have experienced this, where he feels great. He was up and talking, and then about four days later, he was back to where he was not communicating at all. The night before he died, I had asked the hospice nurse, who wasn’t his normal hospice nurse, “Do you think he should have a catheter?” She’s like, “I can put that in.”
I didn’t know that the catheter was going to cause him so much discomfort. He was not able to tell me because he was completely out of it. He was whimpering throughout the night. I kept calling the night hospice nurse and saying, “I need you to come. Something’s not right.” She said, “It sounds like he’s snoring.” I’m like, “No. He’s whimpering.” I did this throughout the night.
Around 5:00 AM, I called her again. I called her probably 3 or 4 times and was like, “Something’s not right.” Last time at 5:00 AM, I said, “If you don’t come, I’m going to Google how to get this catheter out. I will YouTube it and figure it out.” She said, “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” She came. She took out the catheter and said, “He did have some trauma.” I’m like, “I know.” I was very upset about that. We got him comfortable.
It was surprising. I was up with Lew, and all of a sudden, my son came upstairs and said, “Mom, there’s a pastor here. He wants to come up.” I was like, “I don’t know who this is,” but he was through the hospice. They must have been saying, “You might want to get out there.” This man came, and he prayed over Lew. It was beautiful.
The Caregiving Reality: Supporting Loved Ones Through Transition
Another man came. The hospice nurse told me, “We’re going to have someone come. What they do is they will bathe Lew.” I didn’t realize that this was a spiritual bathing. It was the most beautiful thing. It was odd because I’m like, “If Lew knew that this was a guy doing this,” but this man was so comforting. As he was wiping Lew, it was like he was praying over him. I don’t know if he was or not. It was just beautiful. It was me, that man, and Lew.
The hospice nurse then came back. My son, my daughter, and her sat there. She was like, “Your husband is uncomfortable.” They wanted to up his morphine, and we did that. Lew started to snore. It was the loudest snore I’ve ever heard. It was like a roar. The hospice nurse convinced me. She said, “I think he would be more comfortable in a hospital bed. I know you want him to die here, but I think he’d be more comfortable.” I was like, “Okay.” As soon as I put him in that bed, that’s when that snoring started happening. My son, my son-in-law, and my brother put him on the bed. He was snoring so loudly.
I want to back up a minute because my husband had a PET scan several weeks before. He had the wedding ring that he had left there, and he was distraught about it on the way home. I was like, “Honey, we’re still married. It’s okay.” He was crying. I said, “It’s okay. We’re going to get it back.” The day that my husband was being moved over to the bed, my son-in-law had gone and gotten that ring from the hospital. It was a beautiful moment. I remember saying, “We’ve got the ring.”
The hospice nurse did something that made me go, “This is it.” She went up to Lew, put her hand on his shoulder, and said, “It was nice meeting you, Mr. Sevey,” and then she left. I said, “That’s not good.” I realized, “This is it.” No one else knew anything. I was sitting with Lew, and I said, “Honey, it’s okay. You can go. I’m going to be okay.” I was lying.
I said, “You are so stubborn. I’m going to go get your son.” He was a stubborn man. I went, and I said, “Son, will you go tell Daddy it’s okay for him to go to be with Jesus?” He looked at me like he was ten. He had big wide eyes. He said, “Okay, Mama,” and went into the room. I did say to Lew, “Don’t you dare die without me here.” I was like, “Don’t do it.” My son went in there, and he started playing all this music that they loved. It was all the ‘70s music and any music that they connected on.
Honoring Lou: The Dance Party & Final Moments
In the meantime, I went downstairs. My daughter was in the kitchen. She was emotional. She said, “What do I do about Judah?” That was my grandson, who was seven at the time. I said, “What do you mean, Honey?” She goes, “Do I have him come in and say goodbye to Pop?” I said, “Why don’t you ask Judah what he wants?” She was like, “Okay.” It was plain and clear. I went back upstairs. I listened to the music for a little bit.
In our family, we’ve always done what’s called dance parties. That’s our big thing. We would do a dance party. It didn’t matter what holiday. We were always like, “Let’s do a dance party,” and turn the music on. We’ll all be dancing. I came upstairs, and the music was playing. I walked back downstairs, and I said, “We’re going to do a dance party.” I remember my sister-in-law looking at me like I was nuts. She was like, “Your husband’s dying, and you’re doing a dance party.”
My husband was snoring that loud snore, but as soon as everyone entered the room, it got quiet. The snoring had subsided, and he was breathing. The music was playing. It wasn’t loud, but it was playing. Everyone was swaying. My grandson started asking everybody, “What’s your favorite thing about Pop?” We were all sitting there.
The Bee Gees came on, and my son said to me, “We’ve never listened to the Bee Gees.” My kids know that the Bee Gees are our thing. How Deep Is Your Love came on. They knew my husband and I had this thing. We had never played that song before, and the song How Deep Is Your Love came on. I’m holding Lew’s hand. Courtney is next to me, and Chad is on the other side. I’m lying on the bed and holding Lew, and we’re all swaying.
I’m looking at Lew. His eye where he couldn’t see, and I know this would sound crazy, I felt like it was sparkling. There was some brightness in it. He turned and looked at me. I watched his breath being taken from him. He didn’t take his last breath. I watched it leave. That was it. Everybody lost it. Before he did, though, I looked at him and said, “I love you,” and then he was gone. Everybody was hysterical and crying. My grandson was lying on top of my husband, crying and saying, “Pop, no.” That was the most tragically beautiful experience I’ve ever had.
What day was that?
It was January 23rd of 2024.
The Reality of Year One: Life After Loss
That was not that long ago. Are you okay now?
I’m a lot better. In that first year, you’re trying to slow the year down. You don’t want that one-year mark to come because it’s the reality that he’s been gone that long. My first year was filled with a lot of me rushing through things and pushing through. I was busy hacking up my front yard, doing anything, and wasting energy. After year one, I felt like I had collapsed. I was exhausted.
What is it about that first year? People are like, “Did you make it the first year?” I’m like, “They are still dead. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” They don’t come back after a year. This becomes hard.
The first year is shock. It’s numbness. That’s why I was like, “I don’t want to say it’s been a year anniversary. I don’t want to celebrate anything.” Once you pass that mark, it’s like, “This is real. He’s not coming back.”
When you say this is real, for someone that’s tuning in and going, “Her husband died. She knows it was real.” What does that mean for you internally, though, as the widow?
Internally, it’s the reality that my life has been altered and that the dreams and the life that we had planned are no longer. It’s realizing that it’s like a real bite. It’s this gut punch that everything that you thought was going to be is no longer.
Once that is snatched away, is joy possible?
I’m sure you probably remember the first time you laughed and thought, “I laughed. What does that mean? Does it mean that I don’t love him? Did I not love him enough that I laughed?” Joy and grief coexist. We’re living a human experience. All of us are going to experience this at one point or another. Whether that’s a husband, a wife, or a child, we will experience grief in our lives.
When it hits you, when it hits home, you are more aware of what is important. You’re more aware of that than ever before. Now, you know that this life is fragile. This time we have is fragile and important. There’s all the dumb stuff that we focus on. I wish that I could go back and tell my younger self, “You wasted so much time thinking about that girl.”
In the idea of thinking of your younger self, if you were to go back in time, knowing everything you know, what would you tell Gina the day after Lew passed?
You’re going to be okay. I’d tell her to take a lot of naps.
Grief is draining on the body. It’s exhausting. How did your grief meet TikTok?
Building Community: Finding Support Online
I had a presence on social media. When Lew died, I realized that grief was so misunderstood. I realized that we don’t know how to handle grief. We don’t know how to talk about grief. We don’t know how to love people within their grief, and not in a shameful way. It’s just that we aren’t taught to do that. I started to document my story. In the beginning, it was cathartic. It was like, “I’m going to start talking about my grief.”
I started making videos. Most of them were creative. I’m a worship leader. I’m a singer-songwriter. I felt like I wanted to use this as a creative outlet, so I was doing that. What I noticed in doing that is that so many other widows were commenting on my stuff. It felt like they were resonating with what I was saying because it was their story, too. What I was saying was like, “That’s resonating with me because I’m feeling that, too.” I started to continue that.
I realized I didn’t want to go into a community center. I didn’t want to go into a church environment for some type of support. I’d had some coaching in my tool basket because I had been a coach before. I was like, “Maybe I’ll start a support group.” I said, “I’m going to start the support group. If you’re interested, give me a comment.” Five women came to that support group the first time. Those five women are still in the group. It has grown to over 200. Almost 300 women are in the support group. We meet on Thursday.
Is it virtual or mixed?
All virtual. It’s via Zoom. Ten to twenty show up every week. It’s free. I felt led to do this because I knew we needed a space. Being a widow, that word, is a toughie.
How often does your group meet?
We meet weekly.
If someone wanted to connect with you and consider joining the group, how would they contact you?
They would go to my website, which is GinaSevey.com. They would go there and join the community. There’s a link that they can get, and they’ll join and can be part of it. The ladies in there are amazing. I’ve grown to love them. It’s a beautiful thing. I didn’t know. I was like, “I’m going to start this.” I’m pretty scrappy.
What does a support group offer that I couldn’t do by myself as somebody grieving? Why would I need to join a support group?
This is important because I did not think the community was important. I did not think that until I started a support group. I realized that every time you step into that room, you hear a story, and you’re like, “I’m not crazy. I feel that, too. I connect to that. I heard that. I received that.” If you’re doing it on your own, you have all the thoughts.
I feel like it accelerates your healing when you’re in community because you can link arms with others who know. They might be maybe a year ahead of you. In fact, I had a lady say, “This is so hopeful for me.” She was saying to another widow, “I hear what you’re saying, and I can say, ‘That’s possible. I can feel that way.’”
Community accelerates your healing. Share on XHearing that little bit is so powerful. When you think about your life since Lew left this world, what was your lowest moment in this grief journey?
The lowest moment that I’ve had is when I would wake up in the middle of the night. It has been pretty hard, but it’s better now. When I would wake up in the morning, the first thing I would say is, “What’s going to happen to me, God?” I would be like, “What are you going to do with me? All I’ve known is this person my whole life. I was a kid. Now, I’m 62. What’s going to happen to me?” That, I felt, dragged me down. That’s when I had to start to notice, “Every time you say that, can you shift it? I am going to be okay. I’m capable of getting through this.” I know that the pain was so real that there was this fear.
You mentioned how the relationship with the Catholic church has been impacted over time. Does that also relate to your relationship with God, or is that different?
I love the Lord. It took me a bit.
You’re making this too neat. Say how you feel.
I was pissed at God.
After Lew died?
Yeah. I didn’t understand.
Let me ask you that question again, and I want you to give me your full chest response.
Go.
You mentioned your relationship with the Catholic church. What is your relationship like with God and Lew dying? What did that look like initially?
When Lew first died, I was so angry at God. I was pissed. I was confused, too. I was more confused. I was like, “I don’t understand. We prayed. I was specific.” The Bible says, “Be specific in what you say. God hears your prayers.” I was like, “Lew had gotten over cancer. Why, God? What is the point of this? Why did this happen?” Reconciling that took a little bit of time.
What did that look like, though? Not just time, but what was that like for you?
It was slow. What’s beautiful is that God never rushed me. People did. People would. I got a lot of scripture and verses sent to me. One of the things that someone said was, “God sent His son to die, so why would we feel like we would be exempt from that?” I was like, “He sent His son to die to save the world. What did Lew’s death mean in that?” It was those things that the church set me back a little bit.
I saw what was happening within the Widowhood community and how the church wasn’t stepping up. That angered me. I found myself ruminating over that a little bit too much. The Lord and I had many conversations. I feel so much closer to God now. I’m two years into this. In the beginning, I was so angry. I didn’t understand it. It didn’t make sense to me. I was like, “Why did we go through all of this stuff in the beginning to have this ending?”
Supporting The Grieving: How To Show Up Better
For the people in the church who are reading this conversation and going, “I’ve said some of those things. How can I be better? How could I show up better?” What recommendations, examples, or thoughts would you provide?
The biggest thing is we don’t have to fix this. You don’t have to fix her. If her husband died, you don’t have to fix her with a thought.
It’s impossible. He’s dead. They’re dead. Their spouse, their grandmother, their cousin, or whoever they have a profound loss for has died. It’s unfixable, so get that thought out of your head. What would be something else?
Sit with her. To me, find out what tangible things you can do for that person. There are a lot of widows who are struggling so much financially. They are alone. They might be in their 70s, 80s, 60s, or earlier, and they need financial support. If you know, cut their lawn and go get them a meal. Don’t drop things off. Be present. Also, notice, too. There might be a widow who doesn’t want a lot. Maybe she’s trying to isolate. Give her that space, but let her know, “I love you.” Maybe it’s a note, a card, or a text message, like, “I love you. I’m thinking of you.”
What are some things you have noticed about your adult children and their grief?
I’ve noticed two different things. I’ve noticed my son, who is a male, is trying to hold it together. We’ve talked about this a lot. I was like, “It’s okay to be vulnerable in your loss. You lost your dad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to talk about him.” I noticed in the beginning, when I would talk about things or my emotions, I could see my son was feeling uncomfortable because he was feeling an emotion. He was very sweet. He’d say, “Do you need a hug, Mom?” I’m like, “You need a hug, too.” My daughter is a lot like me as far as wearing her emotions right on her sleeve. She had a lot of anxiety after Lew died and was trying to figure it out. This is her dad and the grandpa of her son. Watching her daddy die changed all of us.
That is so true. It does change us. In that change, what have been some surprises you found out about yourself?
As I said earlier, I’m pretty scrappy. I didn’t realize that. I’m going to figure it out. I also realized that instead of saying, “I’m so strong.” I’m learning I can stabilize myself. I’m able to do that. I’m capable. I didn’t think that. I am a professed scaredy cat. When the lights are turned off, I’ll run up the stairs. I realized I’m not that scared, and I attribute that to my husband because he was fearless. His spirit is within me. When you spend that much time with somebody, you take on their characteristics. I’m not as scared. I can hear him in the back of my head, saying, “You got this, Pumpkin.”
When you thought about having this conversation, were there things you wanted to cover that we have not discussed yet, or other things that you feel need to be addressed?
The biggest thing is that when you watch someone that you love die, you realize how fragile life is. I’m on a mission to share with widows that your life is not over because your husband died.
That can be harsh to hear.
It can be harsh to hear because you feel like your life is over
For some people, that is their mantra. They’re like, “My life is over. I’ll never be happy again. This is not worth doing. This doesn’t make sense anymore.” For the widow coming to your group, how do you navigate that with them?
One of the biggest things that I feel like I want to let people know goes back to, “That is just a thought. The truth is, your husband died and your life has been altered.” The truth is that everything is new, but all the thoughts surrounding that, all of those thoughts of, “I’m never going to have joy. I’m always going to feel this way.” Those are thoughts that you can intentionally quiet. You can intentionally say, “I feel this way, but is that true? Will I never feel good again?’”
I love the scrappy. The chest came up. You were leaning in. Scrappy Gina is here. She’s like, “No.”
I have to say that to myself. I look at myself in the mirror like, “Knock that off. You are going to be okay.” Don’t get me wrong, I have my days.
The grieving and the despair may be two separate things. Outwardly expressing Lew’s absence in a celebration of your grandson, something for your daughter, or something in your life that you would have told him versus, “My life is miserable. It will never be worth living.” That thought process does not have to equate to grief.
What would you say to this? Society has, in some way, led women to believe we’re only grieving if we put on or have that persona, like me wearing pink and it being joyful. We’re like, “As a woman, my body must be burned and is forever no good because he’s not here. Living is a representation of honor in him.” I don’t think that message correlates to women as much as it should.
Amen. Agreed. In starting a support group, coaching women one-to-one, or starting programs, all of it is like, “How can you do that? Did you forget that your husband died?” I did not forget my husband died. I’ve got to live with that every day. The thing is, I know for a fact that I am here to keep his memory alive, share the story, and bring light to where there is darkness. I know that I am, like you are. Do I wish it were different? Yes, but it’s not.
The truth is, when I said, “What’s going to happen to me? What’s next?” It’s like, “Let’s not live in despair.” It’s not where God wants us anyway. Let’s say you’re not a believer, and you’re like, “I don’t believe in God. I can’t move on.” I don’t want to buy that, and I don’t want to buy that for any other widow. I’m so fiercely advocating for women to say, “I can still have this grief, and I can still live a life. It’s going to be with me. I am going to be okay even with this grief.”
That doesn’t happen overnight. What if other people are doing it and other people say it? What if you can hear other people, and you’re like, “Give me a little bit of hope.” If everybody was saying, “You’re right. Your life is over,” then you’re going to be like, “What’s the point?” I saw on social media this girl saying, “What’s the point?” She was talking about grief. I felt such great sadness. I’m like, “There is no point to this. Nobody is like, ‘There’s an answer for this.’”
We don’t know what the answer is. All we know is that when tragedy hits, we have two choices. One is to live within the tragedy and let that be your story. Another is to take that tragedy with you and say, “I still have a story.” My story is not over the day that my husband died. He will always be part of me. It’s not like we closed the book and started a new book. I’m carrying the book with me.
That’s very well said. I try to give my guests an opportunity to be the host. Any questions you may have for me?
Final Reflections: Finding Hope And Purpose
I do have a question for you. Where are you in your widowhood? You’re a bit ahead of me. Where are you emotionally with your own grieving process?
It has been nine years since my husband Mark took his last breath. Every year, it looks different. I did a solo episode, sharing about how I felt for the whole month of March. I never did that before, but it felt like something I needed in 2026 and to think that 2027 will be ten years. I’m at a place where I know it happened. I believe it. I’m at a place where I remember more of the love and joy. I have more memories. For the first year or two, all I can remember is the day he died. I couldn’t remember that there were 32 years of loving this man. Now, more of those times exist.
I am preparing to retire from my full-time job on May 31st. The first day of my retirement will be Mark’s birthday, June 1st. My ability to show up like this and support people who are grieving or do different things, I know that is my purpose or my life’s mission, and what that looks like. Is this all I do? No. I have fun. I have things I do. My sister and mom live next door. I have friends. I have a full life. It surprises me that I have a full life.
I’m grateful for my family and friends who have stayed beside me on this journey and allow it to look different every year. I’ve come to terms with it. I have peace with it. It still hurts so bad when I hear someone talk about losing a loved one. That pain may not be the exact pain I experienced, but I connect to that pain in a way I never did before Mark passed. It does make me go, “I’m going to live this life because it is short and fragile.” Living it, I will do, because I don’t know when I’ll take my last breath. I have this idea in my mind of what I would prefer, but we don’t get to do that. I’m going to live while I can live.
Amen. I love that. That is so powerful because of the hope we get by hearing someone who’s gone ahead of us and seeing the same thing. It’s like, “I have fun. I have friends. I do things, but the truth is that my husband died.” Yet, the beauty of that relationship is part of your life forever.
I will always love Mark Fornwald. There is nothing that will change that ever. I will mourn him in some form or fashion until the day I leave this world. Does it look like it did many years ago? No, but nor did I want it to. I fought hard not to let myself go down the road of no return. I fought hard to continually let those words matter. I fought hard to come to reality, like, “What are you going to do with this life that you have now?” Were there weeks that I didn’t take a shower? Yes. Were there months I probably didn’t leave the house? Yes. At the same time, I felt there were more as I kept reaching to get more.
I feel the same thing.
I enjoyed this conversation.
Thank you for having me.
You’re welcome. I would like you to close out this discussion with any final words, maybe something we didn’t cover, and remind people how they can connect with you on social media.
Hopefully, the biggest takeaway that someone would get from being part of this show is that no matter what, if you’re not in a community, I would encourage you to be part of a community. Whether that’s in my group, your group, or any group in your area. That is so powerful. Finding that gentleness within yourself and not trying to push through is important. It’s something I talk about a lot.
Finding that gentleness within yourself and not trying to push through is important. Share on XI created a course called A New Way to Stand. I did that because I knew there had to be a new way to stand within our grief. I was like, “There’s got to be,” so I created this course. We did our first round. If you are someone who’s like, “I want to see my life again and stand again.” I would encourage you to reach out. Other than that, I enjoyed this whole conversation. I love talking about my husband. When you’re a widow, anytime you say, “Tell me about Lew,” I’m there.
What is your website again?
It is GinaSevey.com.
Thank you so much.
You’re welcome. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you.
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About Gina Sevey
Gina Sevey is a widow, speaker, storyteller, and widowhood coach who lost her husband to melanoma in 2024. Since then, she has been sharing her journey of sorrow, faith, and resilience, offering a raw and honest look at what it means to keep living when everything has changed.
Through her work, Gina helps women slow down, meet their grief with gentleness instead of avoidance, and rediscover who they are now, even in the midst of a life they never asked for.
