In this episode, we welcome Teresea Archaga, a Certified Grief Counselor and support group practitioner with the American Academy of Grief Counseling, who has turned her mourning into a mission to help others. Teresea has experienced several significant losses in her life which led her on a journey of healing and self-discovery, and she has made it her mission to help others navigate their own grief journeys. In this conversation, Teresea shares her personal story of loss and grief, and she discusses how she has found purpose in serving others. She also offers practical advice for those who are grieving, and she encourages them to seek support from others. If you are interested in learning more about grief and how to cope with loss, then this is an episode you won’t want to miss.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide.

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Mourning To Meaning: Teresea Archaga On Healing, Loss, And Finding Purpose

Introduction To Teresea Archaga

Our guest is Miss Teresea Archaga. She is a Certified Grief Counselor and support group practitioner with the American Academy of Grief Counseling. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Human Development and a Master’s degree in Career Development. While her certifications and degrees are important for building knowledge and reinforcing her commitment to being a lifelong learner, nothing beats the lessons she’s learned and the self-awareness that she’s gained in her journey through grief and loss.

She has experienced several significant losses that we are going to talk about in this episode in her life and healing from childhood trauma. Life as she knows it is forever changed. Without her loved ones, it was important for her to make meaning out of her loss and pain. She discovered her purpose and her purpose has been serving others. 

We asked that at the end of her graduation program, “What would she do with her work?” and her answer was, “It remains to serve whoever needs her.” Teresea is going to open up and share with us about her personal loss, what she’s learned in her grief journey and how she is serving others. Let’s get into this conversation now.

We are welcoming Teresea to our community.

Thank you for having me.

You are welcome. Thanks for being here. I love having an opportunity to bring people to the community who want to serve, and the ability to serve comes from many different places. What is it that you do and how do you serve people? 

I am a work in progress and I think that we all are in our grief. A lot of folks think that once that milestone hits, we’re done. What I’m finding in my experience after several consecutive losses, the work is never done and I find myself going back to other losses that I’ve experienced and saying, “I felt this before. What is it?” Now I’m able to put a label on it.

I didn’t have a lot of support in my healing journey, which led me to where I am in finding my purpose. I want to use my experience, strength, and hope to help, encourage, inspire, and hopefully influence others to start expressing their grief more outwardly instead of swallowing it down and trying to ignore it. 

Taking Action After Loss

I became a Certified Grief Coach. I’ve always been a doer by nature. The talking is good but I want to also take action. It’s not enough to just say it. I need to take the steps to move forward. I think, in my case, I struggled with taking the first steps, and I don’t even know what that first step looks like. I think it’s just take a step, any step. It’s always in the right direction.

That is a lot. Thank you for sharing that. Now I want to circle back to several of the different things that you mentioned. You talk about the idea of reaching a milestone, and it’s done. What does that milestone look like and what do you think people have a false conception about it? 

Navigating The First Anniversaries After Loss

My employer had three to five bereavement days and that’s just enough for you to make the funeral arrangements, make the phone calls, etcetera. The five days are over. I looked at it as my first milestone, getting through the first steps of it. What I discovered was, that’s not enough because then you because then you have the calm and then you have the storm. You might have that storm several times over.

What do you do when you’re in the storm and you’re not knowing or anticipating that storm coming? Then you have the first holidays. Those are always a struggle. It’s mostly because you don’t know what that holiday or event looks like without that individual for the first time. They have the anniversaries of their deaths.

Balancing Grief And Relationships

How do you memorialize that? How do you honor them? If you’re struggling with relationships with those individuals, which I did in some cases, do you recognize or honor that memorial or that relationship? I think it was important that a lot of that processing was more for me than it was for the individuals I lost. They’re no longer here, but I needed them to make sense of it and to honor it in a way that felt comfortable to me.

Thank you. I like that because you’re right. Three to five days? On day one, you’re probably disoriented, just in shock, and coming to terms with, “This is a thing.” If it’s happened on a weekend where you’re just floating through that and I don’t know about you, but when you return to work, there are still things you’re doing on the side regarding this. There is still unfinished business if I will say.

Also, three to five days is a drop in the bucket for time. Being able to come back to work and think that you’re functioning at the same level as you were is an unrealistic expectation for people. The idea of experiencing those first anniversaries is important, like you said. You brought up something I didn’t think about, the idea of relationships that were not that well. 

How do you honor those or represent them? How do you, without guilt, free yourself so that you no longer are burdened with that difficult part of a relationship? It’s not that you wish this person’s demise, but now that you have to free yourself from some animosity or negativity that you’ve been holding onto because that person’s not here, you cannot have closure with them. 

Maybe you have to have a burn bowl ceremony or something that you have to do to be able to release that negative energy and not hold guilt that you are relieved that you don’t have to struggle with that relationship. I definitely would say that the idea that it’s over after the 1st year of all those just starts to begin because now you’re no longer most likely in this heavy grief fog.

You’ll think, “I have to do this again and again as well as these other different things. It brings on a different process of grieving that I think most people are not prepared for or even aware of because there’s this societal concept, after a year, “You’re fine and you go and live.” You and I both know that is far from the truth. I like your statement about helping people move forward with strength and hope. How did you land on those two words as far as the foundation of what you do?

I turned to my spirituality and God. My mom always used to say that God strangles, but he doesn’t choke. 

I’ve never heard that. 

I had lost between 2020 and 2023. My sister died on June 6, 2020. About three weeks later, my sister-in-law died and she was in her country of Honduras. My brother-in-law died on the wedding day. My cousin died in a tragic accident. My grandma died and then lastly, my dad died. I didn’t have time to appreciate all that loss as I was taking care of the family members who, in my mind, had a greater investment in those relationships or in that depth than I had, not honoring or recognizing my pain. 

In November of 2023, I took a mental health leave from my work and I used that time to reflect on everything that I experienced and how far I had come in the healing process and trying to visualize what that future looks like. I had to reflect on that through prayer, meditation, and guidance. My prayers guide and direct me into the path that I’m supposed to take, living my higher purpose. 

In 2021, when my brother-in-law died, he was a fireman in San Francisco. I started my grief and lost the certification process. I completed the first level and then I put it on hold because of life, but when my dad died in 2023 and when I went on mental health leave, I said, “I need I need help.” I tried to find that help. 

I couldn’t find it anywhere because, in my area, there aren’t any therapists, counselors, or coaches that specialize in grief and loss. I’m one of the few in my area and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I decided to get back into the flow of things and revisit my interest in that, which has since grown. I’ve not only healed myself and learned more about myself and my process, but I’ve also been able to help others in theirs. 

That is a lot of people, Teresea, in a very short period. I can easily see that as one person transitioning, you were just catching your breath from that, then another person be leaving this world. You mentioned the idea that you felt as if other people were more invested. What relationship did they have with the person who passed that made you feel like their relationship was more invested than yours? 

Before I knew better. My older sister passed away in June 2020. She left behind two daughters and several grandchildren. My younger sister didn’t have a relationship with my older sisters I had, but my nieces were left behind. They lost their mother. I felt that their relationship with their mother may have taken priority over my relationship as a sister. 

My younger sister lost her husband on their wedding day. I had a solid relationship with my brother-in-law. I loved him dearly. We shared the same birthday. We were birthday twins. He was a very big part of my children’s lives. He’s the uncle that they knew and loved. I’m caring more for my sister and her loss of her partner. I’m caring more for my children because they’ve already experienced the loss of my sister and now my brother-in-law. 

Grieving As A Caregiver

I’m putting my children ahead of myself. Let’s see. When my grandmother died, my relationship with my dad was disabled and he wasn’t able to support me in estate planning or transitioning, or what have you. I was physically capable and I was also his caregiver. I served in his place and it was exhausting. Then caring for my father when he finally passed, I was thinking, “Okay.”

I hate to say this, but I feel free I felt free because there was no one left to take care of. Amid that lack of freedom that I found, I discovered that I wasn’t free. I have my stepmother who’s 84 years old and she just lost her life partner. She was married to my father for 25 years. She has no family. I’m it. My mom has a life of her own and can live her life and do her things. 

She’s still there. She needs me and I need her. I had that mentality of being orphaned because my mom passed away when I was 25. My dad passed away when I was 50 and it’s interesting to be 50 years old and say, “I’m an orphan.” That exists, too. You rely on them to be around and you don’t expect that when they’re gone, you’re going to feel that secondary loss of, “Where’s my person?” 

That is very true. Thank you for sharing that and being open and transparent. I want to circle back to understand. Are you saying that your sister’s husband, they get married and he died the day of their wedding? 

Yes, if you google it, It’s one of the first search results because the time it happened, he died on May 3, 2021. When he passed away, we googled it just out of curiosity, but nothing showed up as far as the groom or bride passing away on the wedding day. A couple of days after he donated his organs, we’re googling it. It’s all over the People Magazine and it was a big deal. He was, as I mentioned, a San Francisco firefighter and the People Magazine wrote an article about him donating his organs and the lives that he continue to save on his passing. 

What was the date again that you said?

It’s May 3rd, 2021 and his name is Steven Brantley. The challenge even more challenging aspect of that is that my sister’s first husband committed suicide in a shopping mall’s parking lot, nine years before that. That was two potential love lives or soulmates gone. I had to take extra care of my sister for the reason that it wasn’t one. It was two. She had children as well. 

Teresea, thank you for sharing that. I would like for you to speak to someone who has put their grief on the back burner in caring for other people because you have a learned experience. You have professional knowledge. I want you to speak to that person who’s struggling, who’s caring for other people, and who put their grief to the side. 

Ten out of ten, don’t recommend. Grief is going to come with you whether you acknowledge it or not, avoid it or not, or start to process it or not. It is a lifelong journey. It will show up in very unexpected ways. For me, it showed up physically, getting the lump in the throat, being unable to breathe, and being unable to sleep. 

This is even weeks, months, and in some cases, years after the loss. Emotionally charged. It could be a song that you hear on the radio. It could be a memory that somebody says, “Remember that one time?” and then tears. It could be going to the restaurant where you used to go with my sister and just remembering the funny things that happened there. 

I think that in my case, I developed even a stronger relationship with my loved ones as I started to go through the process of my healing journey. You and I had spoken previously about The Grief Recovery Handbook. I delved deep into that book because I had a lot of messages that I received in my childhood, not acknowledging that it was a message. 

After more reflection, I discovered, “Wow. I have a lot of messaging that I need to correct.” I read The Four Agreements. I’m a big reader. I love reading and used the handbook to identify what that messaging was and then I used the Four Agreements to affirm the messaging I would like to have going forward. 

The word messaging, can you explain what that is to people? They may not have been familiar with that term in the way in which it’s being used. 

We have self-talk. We have the things that we say internally inside our head or “I would’ve.” “I should’ve.” “I could’ve.” I want to do better. I want to do it differently. I want to do more. Validating things that either I think about myself or what I’ve heard others say about me. I had to look internally at that idea. That I did the best I could with what I had at the moment.

It helped me to release the guilt, shame, and resentment that I was carrying and I haven’t fully let it go. I don’t know that I ever will. One of the reasons is it relates to the relationship with my father. I discovered some information about my father and I’m revisiting that experience relationship. I’m open to talking about that, but that’s just what it is. It’s reprogramming and reframing ideas, thoughts, and beliefs that I had that I don’t want to be carried with me going forward. 

Thank you. I want to use an example from The Grief Recovery Handbook, and please correct me if I get this wrong. There is a part of the book where they talk about a boy who lost his pet. In the process of losing his pet, his parents immediately purchased another pet for him. Then, when relationships went bad, his parents would just say, “There are other fishes in the sea. Just get another partner.” However, that person identified that the messaging that was being taught to them over time was telling them, “When you lose something, just replace it.” 

Instead, that person learned that they wanted to sit with that loss. They wanted to honor that loss and respect that. If there was some sense of doing something similar, the grief was not something you had to run away from. The message that people had to tell themselves was what they had been told over the years, “When you lose something, replace it.” 

They never knew how to grieve because their concept was just to replace it with something else. When people look from the outside in at somebody who is lamenting and grieving, I think there is often a concept that you can replace what is lost and move on with your life. When someone is in a state of great loss of a person, I think they quickly realize that it is not the case. What would you say to that? 

You need to look at that further. A lot of people, as you mentioned, it’s about the replacement. I replaced my grief with work because it was a good distraction. I didn’t have to worry about myself or focus on myself, but what I did find is even though I was making a mess of things at work because I was hyper-focused on what was happening at work and that I was making mistakes. 

I had a brain fog. I had the scatteredness. I had the irritability and emotional roller coaster, the anxiety of it all, and trying to be all things to all people at all times and not putting my best self forward. You can’t replace your relationships because they were unique to that individual and that connection that you had with them. 

As I mentioned, I found a stronger relationship in going back and remembering things as they truly are because, in your first grieving, you remember the good. I found that in my healing journey and going through my journal writing, the things that were coming up for me were not, “This person’s up on a pedestal.” If I could know then what I know now, this is what I would do differently or this is what I would want to tell you even though I bit my tongue because X, Y, and Z. 

That is fair. Thank you for sharing that. You came to a point where you decided to become certified in this work. What was that certification process like for you? 

I already had a Bachelor’s degree in Human Development, which is the study of life from birth to death. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with that degree, but it was either social work, counseling, or teaching. I landed accidentally in my degree from my Master’s degree in Career Development, which is career counseling.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do with that either, but I know that it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought career counseling would be good going back to the college that I graduated from and helping individuals figure out what they could do with their degrees so they don’t waste as much time as I did. 

Now, with the certification for grief counseling, because I already had my Master’s degree, I was thinking that individuals go through some form of grief when they retire, when they get laid off, unexpected relocation, divorce, or separation. Individuals trying to figure out, “What am I going to do on a single family income?”

I thought that since I had so much experience with grief and loss, I had my Master’s degree. I can apply all things to help whoever needs me. I still don’t directly want to work with those who are going through grief at work, or do I want to work with those who have generational trauma as I had? I’m not exactly sure, but I know that I have a lot of knowledge from experience in different areas. 

You mentioned about being a Certified Grief Counselor. Where was that certification from? What is that for? 

It’s with the American Academy of Grief Counseling, and it’s an online course whereby you read literature, answer questions, take a final exam, and after completing all the coursework, you get certified. 

You said that was American?

American Academy of Grief Counseling. It was ideal for me because it was self-paced and from home. Having a full-time job and participating in those courses at my leisure benefited me. 

Thank you. There are often people looking for ways to use their grief to help other people, and being able to repeat that and share it is very helpful. What did you find in that process that you didn’t know before? Just a few things. I know you’re like a lot, but a few items because I do know that the more knowledge and information a person has about their grief journey, the more it normalizes the process. 

It takes off some of the stress. Knowledge is power, but some people just go through, “Everybody loses someone, I’m just going to get through this.” There is so much information to learn that can ease this journey. What are some highlights of some things that you feel just stuck out to you in this process of your certification? 

I think it directed me more toward grief coaching than grief counseling. As I mentioned, I’m more of a doer than I am of a, “Let’s just talk about our feelings.” I have my feelings, but what are we going to do about those feelings? When you ask people, “Do you go to support groups?” I did and you’re asking them, “How long have you been a member of this group?” 

“It’s been 2 or 3 years.” “How are you? Where are you in your process?” This is like nothing has changed. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It was important for me to find what worked for me because the other part of the equation is that it’s not a cookie-cutter process. Everyone is unique. You and I might have the same experience, having lost maybe your parent, but it’s not the same experience because our relationship with our parents was very different. 

I found that when I was looking for my counseling therapists, it was a cookie-cutter. This is a, “Here’s this theory.” “This resource says.” I didn’t resonate with that. What I want to do is get to know you as an individual. What areas are you feeling stuck in? Let’s work together because you’re the captain of your ship. I’m just the tour guide. I’m going to help you get onto that path or that place that you want to get to. 

Thank you. You mentioned something about the concept of a first step. Oftentimes, going back to something you also mentioned, it’s not a cookie-cutter. Sometimes people say, “Tell me the first step.” “What do I need to do first?” “I need you to tell me what it is.” I would dare say, as you mentioned, whatever’s everybody’s first step may look differently depending on what it is that you’re grieving. 

Also, the concept of even though most of this conversation may be on the point of losing a loved one, grief does come to us in many different ways. Can you talk about that? You touched on it briefly, but could you expand a little bit more on different things, different ways, or experiences in which people experience grief? 

I’ve been with my employer for seventeen years, and it’s more than just seventeen years because I graduated from that college. I met my husband there. I went to school there as a child with my mother when it first opened. I learned how to swim in their swimming pool when I was 3 or 4 years old. This place that I called my second home became my employment and my second home. 

I invested more time in this location than I did at times with my own family and my own home. When I experienced all of that loss, though, my priorities began to shift. As a result, I took that mental health leave and now I’m on this career path that I think is where I’m supposed to be. I’m still grieving the loss of that seventeen-plus lifetime-year relationship. 

I’ve lost homes. My husband was unemployed for a significant amount of time and financially, we just couldn’t afford it. This was supposed to be the dream home in which we were going to raise our children. We had to start from the bottom and work our way back up. I’ve lost pets and a lot of folks think that that’s not a significant loss but if you’re a fur baby owner, sometimes our fur babies carry us through the most difficult times. 

I’ve had a lot of different experiences. That caregiving role when my father passed away. That was a significant part of my life, having cared for him for the last five years and having that time back to reevaluate. “What am I going to do at this time now? I don’t have anywhere to go or focus my attention on.” 

Thank you for mentioning those. I find that we, as a society, have learned how to get through those losses. Not much with the proper coping skills, but we fumble our way through it when someone we love passes, all the things that work for us with those other items don’t particularly work well if we don’t come up with some good coping skills on how to deal with grief. What would you say to that? 

It’s going to be important to look at yourself and try to remove distractions and the outside voices as best you can. Should you do this, or have you thought that it’s important to sit with yourself? It’s going to be very uncomfortable to do that because while sitting with myself, it took a long time for me to be able to do that.

That is fair. 

You then discover things about yourself and that too is an interesting thing that I’m not the person who I was yesterday. I’m not the person who I was a year ago. I’m not even the person who I was 4 or 5 years ago. What does that look like? I think that my goal is to be better tomorrow than I was today, to find gratitude, and to honor myself more. I was a people pleaser. I’m a recovering people pleaser. 

To feel obligated to do things. “I don’t want to do that and be okay with that.” Saying no was hard for me and I think I’m still learning that lesson. To just do things that bring you joy, peace, and happiness, whatever that looks like. If you don’t know what that is at this very moment, just think about a happy memory, what brings meaning and joy to you, or what hobby you enjoy doing. Focus your energies on those things. If you don’t know what it is, it’ll come to you eventually. 

The idea of finding the things that come to us eventually and working in your journey of grief, what are some coping skills or things that you found work for you? 

Coping Skills For The Grief Journey

In reading The Grief Recovery Handbook, I did start to journal. I have my little timeline of events and activities. I started from birth to the point that I lost my dad and identified what those messages were, just focusing on what aspects I wanted to carry with me going forward. How I started that is, I had to understand my upbringing, my father’s upbringing, my father’s father’s upbringing.

There are a lot of generational traumas that I grew up with that I didn’t acknowledge, realize, or understand that was a generational trauma. Working through that has helped me better understand my father and the person he was. I can even say that I love him more because I have a better understanding of why he was the way that he was, if that makes sense. 

It does because when we’re children and our parents are parenting, we have a child’s perspective. Even though we may be adults, we are still leveraging the relationship that we had in our youth and how our parents show up now. There’s something introspective to going behind and finding out who they are now as an adult and understanding the patterns. 

I understand how they develop this messaging or this methodology of doing things and being able to say, “I don’t like it, but I see how we got here.” Now, the burden of the responsibility is on us to shift and change the patterns that we did not think served us well. Not keep putting that onto our children or making a conscious decision to have a conversation that I’ve shown up like X, Y, and Z. After some recent insight, I want to change how I’m showing up. 

That means that I’m going to show up like A, B, and C. I’m also willing for you to be accountable to me because having adult children to have a different conversation to say, “What does that look like?” Not only are we different from learned knowledge, but we are different from the people we loved past. It has a way of changing us a little bit more than what we knew than what we could have comprehend until it happened to us. If someone wanted to work with you, what is that process, and how do they contact you? 

I would suggest that they go to my website, MourningFullTime.com. I have fifteen-minute consults. Those are free. That’s a way for you to get to know me and me to get to know you. If we agree that we’re a good fit, then you can schedule a one-on-one appointment with me, which is also on the website. I also have a TikTok account, and it’s Teresea Archaga where I post videos about my healing journey and the things that I find useful to me. I plan on starting a podcast. I haven’t started it yet, but I have the beginning skeletons of what’s going to be a podcast and that’ll be called Mourning Full-Time. I like that name, Mourning Full-Time. I want to talk about that if you don’t mind. 

I’m silently hoping I get to be a guest.

I would love that. Mourning Full-Time, it’s a play on words. Mourning is what we do on the outside and I think it is important for us to show our joy, tears, or whatever it is that we’re experiencing. I know that I struggled with that myself in the beginning and bottling up my emotions and I suffered because of it. I made those around me suffer because of it, too. I like that it’s in the morning so that every day is a new day.

I love it because, in the mornings, I used to have coffee with my mom. I started drinking coffee in the morning when I was six years old, and I still do. I think that’s a Latin thing. I’m not sure. The Full-Time, our grief is never done. It is a lifetime journey. We’re changed forever for it. How do you want to change or what do you want that change to look like? It is a choice. Choose you.

Thank you. Why do you say, “Grief, we’re never done with it?” 

Our relationship with our loved ones doesn’t end when they’re gone. We are forever changed because of our relationship with that individual and because of our loss with them no longer being in our lives. You’re shaped by it, but it doesn’t define us. It shapes us into who I am at this very moment with you. 

Thank you. What is the difference between shaping and defining? 

I don’t define myself by my experiences. I don’t say that, “I am a survivor.” I say that I am the person before you now because of the experiences that shaped me. 

How does that messaging change someone’s perspective and when they’re living and experiencing this? 

I think, at least in my experience, you are this. When you hear something often enough, you start to believe it. I am a griever. I am a survivor. I am strong. I’m not always strong, but I always put my best foot forward. I think that it’s important and that’s where being impeccable with your word from The Four Agreements comes into play. You have to pay attention to what you’re telling yourself and what other people are saying about you and then affirm, accept, or deny what that messaging is. 

Thank you. You mentioned that someone can reach out to you on your website. Do you take insurance, or how is payment done for your services? 

I do not take insurance, and you’ll find that many counselors, and therapists don’t and that’s because a lot of insurance companies don’t consider this a need or supported under the plans. I can say that I did a lot of research when I was looking at rates and I didn’t want to pay as much as I did for my help. I tried to make it cost-effective for those who need it. With coaching, therapy is long-lasting, but I think that with coaching, you get the tools that you need so that you have confidence in yourself and the ability to take that next step forward. With therapy, I don’t know when the end goal is. With coaching, you get to define what that end goal looks like for you.

Is there a particular demographic that you work with or anyone in the world, location? Does it matter? 

I am open to working with anyone that needs me. 

Very good. I know I have asked you a lot of questions. I want to say, yes, I did stalk her on TikTok. I reached out and found her sharing her journey, and she is more than willing to have this conversation. Thank you for entertaining my request because sometimes you’re apprehensive when people message you. I’m not particularly sure, but I appreciate you stepping out, trusting the process, and having this conversation with me. Any questions you have with me?

I noticed that you have your TikTok lives. I saw that you have a little bit of a schedule, but I do find you randomly there. Do you sometimes jump on there just because or do you have a defined set schedule? 

I am super schedule oriented. That doesn’t always make me flexible and fun. I’m trying to offset that. I do have a regular schedule that is every Monday at 07:00 PM EST. I generally have a topic. It’s now moving into a Sunday, Monday 7:00 PM EST. Pretty much Sunday evening and Monday at 7:00 PM, you can find me doing a TikTok live and I’ll put out the schedule.

I have learned to try to just be spontaneous and just go on live when it works. This episode will air later, but I am wearing our Walk For Love 2024 t-shirt. Walk For Love is an annual walkathon that Widowhood Real Talk with Tina posts and people walk 1 mile a day for 7 days. We started on August 4, 2024, and will end on August 10, 2024. 

Walking one mile a day, at the end of the walk, people post the hashtag WalkForLove and hashtag their loved ones’ names. Different people are posting that and they’re celebrating their loved ones and they’re tagging me so that people can see around the world. Some people walk and post the multiple names of their loved ones at the end of their walk. 

Some people are challenged and cannot walk, but they’re making a video and celebrating because to see other people putting their loved ones’ names out there. I’ve been doing Walk For Love on Lives every morning while I’m out walking. That has been something that I’ve done. I will not carry that past Saturday and all the people who have been doing it say, “Can we get together and have a full live walk?” 

They just scheduled it at 3:00 PM EST. I’ll put an event up, but sometimes, if I have a prompting that a lot of people are struggling, I’ll get on and do a live to support people and encourage people who are grieving. That’s generally about midnight to 3:00 AM. That is the time that I remember being up. The whole world was asleep and it was loud. The silence was loud. 

Being able to get on TikTok and encourage people. Maybe it’s playing a game. Maybe it’s giving words of affirmation. There’s a mix there depending on what my schedule looks like in between doing things for the widowhood. I also have a full-time job, a husband, and two adult children. I’m always trying to pour into my cup to have a space to do that so I’m not pouring out of an empty cup. Yes, there’s a schedule and then there is some versatility. 

I think that what you just said about pouring into your cup is very important. I think that when we’re grieving and life continues, life can get in the way of pouring into our cup. Just to be mindful that you are worth it and you are enough. If you don’t fill your cup, you won’t have any energy or time to fill up anyone else’s cup and do what you want to do.

I would agree with that. Any other questions for me, Teresea? 

None. 

Was there anything you wanted to talk about that we didn’t cover in the conversation, or were there any topics that you wanted to make sure we went over? 

I think we covered everything. It was interesting the way that the conversation flowed. One of the things that I did want to share though is about the stages of grief. I get that question a lot, “Do we all go through the same stages of grief?” 

Let me add a little let me add a little bit to that. It’s interesting that you would bring that up, as it is very much a question that people ask. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did a wonderful job in her work on death and dying. In that process, she identified the stages that people who are dying, who have received a terminal illness. 

Those stages that she identified were identified for people who were leaving this world, so that idea of being in denial, hearing a terminal diagnosis, trying to bargain, being angry, or coming to acceptance. Those things were meant for people who were prepared to leave or preparing to leave. It was not originally developed here for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. 

I think that when people learn that, they realize they’re not trying to put their grief in a particular box. What I think is more welcoming is looking at an emotional wheel and seeing some core emotions. A wheel of emotion. You may have anger, fear, surprise, happiness, and sadness. Then, you realize out of anger, you may feel hurt, threatened, hurtful, or mad. 

You can see that your behaviors may come out as devastated, insecure, or feeling embarrassed. This is not you can’t quite see it. I know you’re familiar with it but realizing that this array of emotions and your response, I think it opens up people to say, “My grief could be in all these different places.” but they’re not going to fit into these nice five stages. I don’t know. What would you say to that? 

It was a framework, but it was never meant to be a map or a navigational tool. You might be driving in that car but you’re going to miss your detour because you think, “Is there something wrong with me?” Just know that we are very complex beings with a multitude of emotions and lived experiences. It’s going to be important for you to personalize your approach and focus on your unique experience and the emotions that come with it. Avoid putting grief into that box. You’re okay. You’re normal. If you don’t panic, if you don’t get angry, or if you don’t have the acceptance, that’s okay. 

I’m glad you mentioned that because I have some people who told me that I’ve never cried and they feel uncomfortable about that. If that’s how you process it, everybody may not be a crier. You may cry ten years later, sitting at a park, giving a bird some crackers, and all of a sudden, all of these emotions may flood. I don’t think people should beat themselves up. 

They do. 

Yes. Can you talk about that a little bit, where people feel like they’re not expressing emotions like other people are and they’re feeling uncomfortable about that? 

Grief shows up in very unexpected ways at very unexpected times. You might lose your appetite. That is also an expression of grief or you might binge eat, which is too an emotional experience. You might find yourselves not being able to sleep or sleeping too much. That, too, is grief showing up. Grief isn’t just the outward expression of emotion.

Our bodies tell us what we’re experiencing in ways that maybe we don’t know or understand or that we don’t identify as such at the moment. When you go through it, a lot of health conditions would come up. I became a diabetic and didn’t know that that was associated with it. I discovered I was a diabetic after my father passed away or had high blood pressure. There are just a lot of different things that you’re going to experience, and you should know that it’s all normal because it’s your experience. 

Thank you. I appreciate that. I will allow you to close out the conversation to our readers. Thank you for being here and sharing. 

Thank you. For all of you who are reading this and going through your process of healing, I am with you. I support you. I am here. If you need a sounding board or if you need just somebody to listen to you, I am a safe space, and I hope that I can work with you in the future. 

Thank you. 

Important Links

• Teresea Archaga
• TikTok  – Teresea Archaga
• The Grief Recovery Handbook
• The Four Agreements
• https://www.Instagram.com/mourning_full_time

About Teresea Archaga

My name is Teresea Archaga. I am a Certified Grief Counselor and Support Group Practitioner with the American Academy of Grief Counseling. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Human Development and a Master’s Degree in Career Development. While my certifications and degrees are important for building knowledge and reinforcing my commitment to lifelong learning, nothing beats the lessons I have learned and the self-awareness I have gained in my journey through grief and loss.

I have experienced several significant losses in my life and healed from childhood trauma. Life, as you know it, is forever changed without your loved one. It was important for me to make meaning out of my loss and pain, and I discovered my life purpose. My purpose is to help others heal from theirs.

When asked at the end of my graduate program, “Who do you want to work with?” My answer was and remained to be, “Whoever needs me.”