Grief is never a straightforward concept. It is so utterly complex that it cannot be described in just a few words, and every single person has their own unique grieving journey. Nikki Boone is here to share her fair share of grief, and it is as complicated as it can be. She opens up about her struggle with identity crisis after finding out she was adopted, as well as her battle with anxiety, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. She shares how grief shaped her relationship with her biological mother, her mother-in-law, and her children. Nikki also discusses practical tips on preparing your last will promptly to avoid messy circumstances later in life or when you pass away. I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others. Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World. — Watch the episode here   Listen to the podcast here   Understanding The Complexities Of Grief With Nikki Boone My guest, Nikki Boone, is going to talk about complicated grief. You are going to learn how to decompress, how to deal with complicated grief, ways in which to handle things for our elderly parents, and much more. This conversation is not for the light of heart, but it is a necessary discussion to help empower you as you go through your journey. Let’s get into the conversation.     Nikki, welcome to the show. How are you? Trying to decompress. I’m not bad. I’m not 100% good, but I’m not gone. Is that related to grief or life? Life is lifeing. There’s always grief. Mental health is not 100%. The Lingering Feeling Of Grief You said something. It’s always grief. Does that mean it’s always lingering in the back of everything that’s going on? Yeah. There is always going to be a recurrence of PTSD because something’s always triggering something. When you say grief, because grief can come in a lot of different packages, what is grief when you say that word? What are you grieving about? In my life, there’s a lot of woulda, coulda, shouldas on so many different angles. There is grief on the aspect of unanswered questions as well as the death of the physical aspect of a loved one. Transparency was going to be part of this conversation. Who are the loved ones that you think of in relation to grief? That’s a broad question. Broad answer. I’ve got to start with myself. Who after that? Then, there are mothers. I’m saying mothers because there are two in my lifestyle. There are fathers. In my situation, there is a mother-in-law. There are a few other family members, but let’s leave it at that. It’s most important. Those are a lot of names. Those are a lot of people that you’ve lived life with that are no longer here. You also mentioned shoulda, woulda, coulda. It’s broad. Where do we start? A tree has roots, a trunk, and then many different limbs. All of those limbs connect to one tree. All of my should, coulda, wouldas all connect to all of those people that I mentioned. That’s why it’s hard to break them down. They’re going to fall in place as we talk. Finding Out About Her Adoption Can you remember what your first experience with grief was? Yeah, I can. At this moment in time, I choose not to speak on it because it falls under the label of abuse. From that first experience with grief, how did that shape your life? It shaped my life in a direction of a lot of years of grief, a lot of years of finding out you’re not who you are or who you thought you were. Let’s start it off like this. I found out I was adopted, and I found out accidentally on purpose. After a long line of abuse, you are finding out that’s why. A long line of not fitting in, a long line of finding out this is not what you want. It’s hard to talk about. This is the conversation you wanted. This is a conversation I need. It’s hard. Take your time. When you found out you were adopted, did that give you some sense of understanding of why things were unsettled the way they were? No. It opened up a gateway to find out more information. I still don’t know why things were the way they were. I got a picture of how things were portrayed to be, a picture that was being painted. It was, “A perfect family here. This is the way this is supposed to be. This is why it was set up the way it is,” but I still don’t know why officially things happened. I’m still looking for answers, but I can’t get these answers. You get in limbo. The people that you would’ve obtained these answers from are no longer here. They’re no longer here on that side. I eventually met my real mother. She’s no longer here, and I’m once again left with some questions. How did you find your mom? Before my 22nd birthday, I had some information that I took off of a picture out of my adoptive family’s home, which was a name and some phone numbers. These names and phone numbers I had been calling, which I had been finding out all along that they were homes I was coming from. These were foster care homes. When I got older, I called these numbers when I was younger, under the age that I was supposed to be able to know this information. I decided to call them again after I turned 21. They all guided me to the state of Virginia’s Department of Social Services. We have a city version