Imagine losing a loved one and finding solace in their extraordinary foresight. This episode dives into the poignant journey of our guest, Tripp Tillery, who shares how a TikTok project led him to honor his mother’s legacy. Inspired by his mother Susan’s meticulous The Deadbook, our guest reveals the emotional and logistical challenges she faced as an executor, the importance of keeping the family home, and how Susan’s comprehensive guide provided peace of mind amidst grief. Join us as we explore the heartfelt impact of preparation, legacy, and the often unspoken complexities of loss and love.
I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.
Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide
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The Deadbook: Grief, Legacy, And A Good Plan With Tripp Tillery
Tripp, welcome to the Widowhood.
Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here and talk to you. We had such a good time with the TikTok live.
We did. For those who don’t follow us on TikTok, I have TikTok live conversations every Tuesday at 8:15 PM Eastern time. Tripp and his lovely wife, Jess were kind enough to join me and have a conversation about the subject of our discussion in this episode, which is The Dead Book. I know, the name, but we’re going to get into that. There’s a meaning for all of it because it hits you hard. We couldn’t have some warmup version, but he stayed true to something. We’re going to get into that story. We had a good time. There were a lot of engagement questions. It allowed us to put what you and Jess are doing out there to the world and see it from a different perspective.
It was such a nice casual forum in which to discuss it. Thank you for providing that.
You’re welcome. Were you on TikTok before or did this project launch you being on TikTok?
My wife Jess was on TikTok before. I was not. The project for me launched my TikTok experience.
The Deadbook
Tell me about the person you love who launched this project.
It wasn’t so much of a launch. My mother was the inspiration for the project The Dead Book. I don’t know how deep you want me to go.
As much as you like and what you’re comfortable with.
I can go into the entire origin story of The Dead Book and how it came about. My mother and I were super close for our entire life. She was the executor of her mother’s estate. My grandmother passed away back in 2011 and my mother, being the executor of her estate, had to take care of all of the administration aspects once my grandmother passed away. My grandmother lived about six hours away in rural North Carolina. My mother had a very demanding job.
Once she got her feet underneath her after my grandmother passed away and started moving into the administrative task of an estate, she pretty quickly realized that she didn’t know where anything was. My grandmother didn’t have a plan. Any documents she had were scattered. She had to go to Social Security administration and things like that. It’s locally in North Carolina, as well as banks and things like that to cobble together and piece together what my grandmother’s affairs even looked like before she could start the process of administering the estate.
Was your mom talking to you as she was going through that process?
Yes.
That must have been annoying.
It was annoying for her because she was working 40 or 60-hour weeks easily, but then she would pack a bag on Friday morning, and she’d work all day. She’d hit the road from her office to drive to North Carolina on Friday nights. She’d get what she could be done. She’d shoot back down here to go back to work on Mondays. She was six hours both ways. She’s burning up the road trying to piece this together. It was certainly a frustrating experience for her. She made my grandmother some promises. My grandmother made her some promises about the house stays in the family. My mother’s side of the family, my grandmother and all of my great aunts, and a lot of their kids live on the same street outside of Lumberton, North Carolina, and half her generation.
My grandmother’s house was on the same piece of property where my great-grandmother’s house was. It was important that it go to someone that stays in the family. My mother was having to also fulfill those wishes while doing all of the rest of it. It was a very stressful time for her. She was on the road constantly, spending her free weekends trying to hunt down all of these relevant documents to close bank accounts, get with the mortgage company, figure out what that looks like, and identify herself as the executor. In light of all of that, once she was finally able to settle my grandmother’s estate, she got the house sold to a distant cousin. You see those maps of family. It was probably like the fourth cousin twice removed or something.
She checked a box. It was a family member.
She hustled to do it.
Do you remember how long it took your mom to do that?
I don’t remember the total amount of time. I do remember feeling like it dragged on and on, making sure the house stayed in the family and finding a family member to purchase the house. That family member’s process of getting all of the mortgage paperwork and everything dragged on and on. Towards the end, the entire experience wore on my mother.
That’s what I wanted to ask you. I know it’s in the past, but I would think it also played a role in her grief for her mother. She may have been grieving her, but then having some underlying frustration that you don’t particularly want to articulate because there’s this thing about not complaining about someone who’s no longer here. That compounds the situation. It sounds as if having to do all that for someone you love is stressful and frustrating, and it complicates the grief.
It does complicate the grief. Doing it for someone that you love, you want to do the absolute best you can do because you feel like you owe it to them and struggling to get everything going. It complicates the grief. You feel like she maybe couldn’t grieve all the way until she got all of that done. It hangs out there over you.
You want to do the absolute best you can do because you feel like you owe it to them. Share on XIt’s unfinished business that you have to resolve. You can’t feel like, “This is done. Now I can cry.” You’re trying to hold yourself together because you have this maze you have to deal with.
For her looking back on it now with a different frame of reference, she was having to do the same drive. We would go multiple times a year to see my grandmother. She was going to my grandmother’s house. She was revisiting all of these emotional places that had ties to my grandmother and memories of my grandmother. It had to be incredibly difficult on her, but the administrative piece complicated how she was feeling and did not allow her to grieve.
Going back to her childhood place, I think about the memory she may have had in that area and what that looked like as she’s struggling to keep her. I could imagine your mom crying and looking or trying to fight back the tears and using that energy. There’s a lot involved in that. I can see that. Thank you for sharing that.
After going through that entire experience, she came out the back end. I’m not exactly sure about the timeframe, but I get a call once everything is settled. We chatted often and my mom said, “When you have some free time over the next few weeks, drop by the house. I have something I want to show you.” I’m like, “That’s pretty vague but sure. It sounds great.” I shot over there one day and I got in the house. She walks down and plops this 1-inch black standard binder that we all had in school, plastic, nondescript. She probably bought it at Office Max for $8 or something. She goes, “This is my dead book. If anything ever happens to me, it has everything you are going to need as the executor of my estate.” A little context that we haven’t talked about yet. My parents were divorced and I’m an only child.
The weight was like, “Poof.” Does she give you lemonade or something to eat?
No, we jumped right into it.
What’s your mother’s name?
My mother’s name was Susan.
Her name is still Susan.
She was awesome, but we’ll get into that in a little bit.
Remembering Susan
Let’s get into that now because she’s brought the book on you. Let’s talk about her personality. What was that memory when you did that? What was it that you thought about your mom?
A lot of things hit at once. Looking back on it. You hear about those people or everyone probably knows at least one person like this. That person walks into the room and lights up the entire room. They bring that energy to the room. That was my mom. She was always like that. We joked a lot after the period when she passed, that she had an extra ten hours in a day because she had so much energy. She kept up with many people and she did so much during a week.
We never understood how she had the time to do all of that. She was always incredibly thoughtful. If she went on a business trip, she would bring me something back, when I was a kid, even if it was like a cupcake. She’d stop on the way home from the airport and give me a cupcake, or she’d bring me a T-shirt back or something to say, “I thought of you while I was there. I wanted you to have this.”
She was the type of person where if it’s June 20th, if we were to all go to dinner and you say, “I like these. These are awesome. I’ve always enjoyed them,” she’d give it to you for Christmas. She remembered that stuff. She was incredibly thoughtful. She loved people. She never met a stranger. She had that knack for interacting with people and brightening their day. She did it time and time again. I don’t know why I always remember this, but when we would go to dinner, always with the waiter or whoever was waiting at the table, she wanted to know their life story. She’d ask them questions and get to know them.
I’m trying to think back to this one specific dinner we had in town. It was someone who’s in biomedical engineering or something. She was like, “Give me your number. I’ll put you in contact with all these people.” She cared about people so much. Even when we would travel, she would strike up conversations with random people, but she treated everyone the same. It didn’t matter if it was a cab driver or a janitor at a sporting arena or a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Everyone got the same Susan. That’s who she was.
She treated everyone with the same respect. I feel like it was one of those increasingly rare people that just cared. From the perspective of a mother-son, she was always involved with anything I did growing up as a kid. She’s probably too involved at some points. She was always the team mom for my baseball teams. She was always working the concession stand. She was the room mom a lot in elementary school.
She was all in.
PTA, and when I got old enough where I started having projects that were more than sitting down and doing something for an hour, my major character fault is I procrastinate and I wait until the very last minute to do things. I remember this one time we had to make a replica of the solar system. I waited until the last minute.
Is it like the day before it was due last minute?
Maybe a day or two before it was due, but you got to figure out what you’re even going to do.
The supplies.
It wasn’t 2024. This was in 2000 or 1998.
You go get cotton balls. You have to get the styrofoam balls. It’s not like you can order on Amazon and it’s going to be here tomorrow.
The store is closed. You have to hope that stuff is in stock. You have to hope they have what you need.
Everybody else is doing the same thing.
We conjured up this whole thing and I was into candy because I was a kid. We get these styrofoam spheres and she helps me shave them down to the relative size of the planets. We had different candy combinations for each planet and hot glue. We did the whole thing and it turned out great. Looking back on it, after she’d been at work for ten hours that day, she probably didn’t want to be doing that.
She wanted to be ashamed of something else.
That’s one example of how she never complained. She was like, “Let’s bang this thing out. Stop waiting until the last minute, but I’m going to help you do it.” There are many stories that I knew and that she told me in bearing periods of my life. I found out after she passed away that she chipped in to help someone in a time of need, whether it be someone who was at work or was going through a divorce. She was there. She was an ear to listen to and give advice, whether it was someone who needed financial support because they were going through a tough time in their life.
She always did those things quietly, I’d find out years later. There were 3 or 4 people who walked up to me at her memorial service and told me about a time that I never knew about. She always did it quietly because it wasn’t the praise and the recognition that she was after. She just wanted to help someone and do something good.
What did that feel like when people came up and told you these things about your mom?
It felt good. It’s one of those things where it clicked and it was like, “Of course that tracks for who she was,” but even the people I knew about and those people coming up and telling me those stories at her memorial, she cared. She was such a special soul to care about people like that.
It confirmed she was that amazing.
She truly was that amazing of a person. I can go on and on.
It’s important that we know Susan laid down this black binder before you, and in all of that, she was strategic and intentional.
She was always very strategic, always intentional, and always prepared. I told this story on the TikTok Live. I closed on her house and had to clean it out. You open up closets and everything is neatly organized. Nice little bins were stacked in there. It’s nice, neat, and organized. Seriously, it would put professional home organizers to shame. That’s who she was. She was always prepared. She was always looking three steps ahead so that she could be prepared and know what she was going to do. At the same time, she never took anything too seriously. She loved to have a good time.
Do you like to have a good time or are you more on the serious side? What do you stand compared to how your mom was?
I like to have a good time. I try not to take life seriously.
I’m going to take that answer.
I do like to have a good time. Going through the grief of losing my mother has been a little bit different. I certainly got that from her. Life is short and you can’t take anything too seriously.
Life is short and you can't take anything too seriously. Share on XReceiving The Deadbook
Now that we know a little bit more about Susan. I have a concept of this woman who is a strategic and intentional woman who is capturing life every day, but yet she’s not denying the reality of our mortality. She puts down this black book called The Dead Book. What happens from there with you and her?
She slaps that book down and says, “This is my dead book. Should anything happen you will be the executor as an only child.” She didn’t plan on getting remarried because she said she’d done it once. I would be the executor. She says, “This will have everything you’ll need, should something happen.” I’m like, “This is coming out of the blue. You’re dropping this book in front of me. What’s going on? Is there a conversation we need to have? Do you have cancer? What’s going on?” She was like, “No. I’m just being prepared. I went through everything with your grandmother and it was stressful for me. I want to be sure that you have everything. It’s in one location so that should something happen, you’ll be prepared.” At the time, I didn’t know what that meant. I don’t know what goes on.
You weren’t on the inside scoop of that. You were on that very much on the outskirt as she was doing all that for your grandmother.
I was very much on the periphery of it. In the back of my head, I’m begrudgingly going through the book with her as she’s showing me everything because “You’re not sick. You’re going to be around for another 30 or 40 years. I have time to figure this out. We have plenty of time to talk about this in detail further down the road when it’s more relevant. It’s cool that you put the book together, thanks,” but it’s not resonating with me because she’s got another 30 or 40 years left. We can talk about it later. It’s not a big deal.
She goes, “It’s going to be in the drawer upstairs, this specific drawer in my desk. If anything happens, go and grab it.” I’m like, “Cool. High five, great conversation. I don’t want to think about this because you’re going to be here.” She was such a huge part of my life. I didn’t want to face her mortality. She’s almost this larger-than-life figure. As a mother, she was my hero and my role model. She’s the best mother anyone could ever have She was the best mother. You don’t want to face that.
She’s that person you go to when your girlfriend breaks up with you in eighth grade and you don’t know how you’re going to go to school the next day or even worse, your high school girlfriend breaks up with you and you guys are supposed to get married. It’s like, “How do I move forward?” You lose a baseball game that you think is important or you get picked on at school, or all of these things like at the time that seemed heavy.
When you got married.
Later in life, I had a bad day at work. She’s always that person who has the sage advice and helps you make sense of the world. She was my foundation for the world. Having to face the prospect of that person not being there, I was like, “No thanks. We can think about this 20, 30, or 40 years from now, but not right now.”
What type of relationship did your wife have with your mom?
My mother treated Jessica like the daughter she never had.
She was even a great mother-in-law too. She was rocking the game across the board.
I’ll give you a little bit of background there. My mother gave me the best advice. She knew the right thing to say at the right time. She was also very good at giving advice without telling you what to do or letting you know how she felt about the situation. When I was having dating troubles growing up, she would give me advice and I would take the advice and do what I interpreted. She would never say, “Break up with her. I don’t like her.” That wasn’t her style. I will find out later that 3 to 5-year moratorium had passed and you’re like, “I didn’t like her. I’m glad you didn’t do anything there.”
That’s me. I’m like, “I don’t see that, but I’m going to let you figure that out over there.”
She was very like that. She’s very big on, “I’m going to give you advice and you figure it out for yourself because that’s the best way to learn it.” It was Mother’s Day in 2016. We’re at breakfast one day, and I was like, “I’m going to marry Jess.” She was like, “Thank God. I love her. She’s awesome. That’s fantastic news.” The two of them bonded immediately. Jessica would go to her house and they would bake cookies or they’d go shopping together and hang out without me.
It’s like you’re the bonus.
I got pushed to the side. They’re like, “We’re good.” When my grandmother passed away, we would always go to her house for Thanksgiving. After she passed, we couldn’t do that anymore. My mom called me and she said, “I would like to start traveling on Thanksgiving. You and I can go places and that’ll be our Thanksgiving now that we don’t have your grandmother around anymore.” She and I started traveling every Thanksgiving. That was our thing. We didn’t want to do a big production Thanksgiving dinner for the two of us. We started traveling together. When Jessica and I started dating, got engaged, and then married, Jessica started joining in on those trips. She and my mom spent a lot of time together. One of their favorite pastimes was picking on me and ganging up on me. They got along well with my mother. Jessica was the daughter she never had.
Susan not being here is not just an impact to you, but an impact to your wife also. Susan puts down the book, she goes over, you ignore her, and you go home. Where do we go from there?
I didn’t ignore her. I knew where it was and I knew what it was.
You didn’t want to hear all that. Maybe ignore was too strong. She goes over the dead book and you then you are like, “Yeah, all right.”
It was like the peanuts where the adults talked. From there, she would call me every couple of years and say, “I made a couple of changes to the dead book. It’s this and this.” We’d be over for Christmas or something and she would show me in person. Luckily, there was wine involved when it was the Christmas conversation. She blunted the blow a little bit, but we would check in, or she would check in with me every few years if she made any updates. When she moved to a different house, she was like, “I want you to know where the dead book is in the new house. It’s here in case anything happens.” We kept in touch on where the dead book was every few years or so, just a little check-in.
It sounds like it’s off on the shelf a little bit, but not so much.
Losing Susan
It’s slightly different. Something did happen, unfortunately. I had started a new job and I was about a year or a year and a half into it. My mother retired in July 2020. I started this job and I was very stressed out. It was a company that made a couple of smaller acquisitions in the US and was trying to get a foothold in the US market it was very chaotic, not a lot of direction. There’s some infighting going on. I was working long hours. It was a wearing thing. Jessica and I decided to get out of town, take a vacation, go to the beach, and tune out for a long weekend.
I’d always wanted to go to St. Martin. We decided to go to St. Martin. Another perk of leaving the country is neither one of us had cell phone service so we couldn’t work even if we wanted to. We booked a trip and my mom came down a few days before we left and we had dinner with her and a little Italian spot that we all loved. We got to see her before we left. On any trip we took, we had an understanding that if my mom was going somewhere, she texted me when she took off and landed and we did the same thing. I text my mom, “We are getting ready to take off. We love you. Soon we get back.” She’s like, “Have a great time. Relax.”
We go to St. Martin and we do our thing. We come home. We get home late and we’re in a rush to get home and get settled with everything. We texted her when we landed. We’re hustling through customs and everything. Get home, go to sleep, and wake up the next day. I’m on a two-hour call first thing from 8:00 to 10:00. I get a text from my aunt and she asks, “Have you heard from your mom over the last couple of days? Your cousin and I haven’t been able to get ahold of her.”
I looked back at my phone and she hadn’t texted me back, which is a little bit weird. I text her. I’m like, “I’m in a meeting. She didn’t text me back last night. I’m sure she took a last-minute trip with friends. I’ll call her when I get off the phone.” I got off the call and I called her and she didn’t answer, which historically, we had an understanding. Being the mother that she was, if I called her, she answered the phone. She answered the phone. I can’t tell you. She would drop whatever she was doing and answer the phone. If she didn’t answer the phone, I knew she was busy. With a 100% success rate, she called me back if she didn’t pick up.
We had an understanding that if I called her twice, within a 5 to 10-minute period, I needed to talk to her. She would walk out of a board meeting. Barring being under anesthesia or somehow incapacitated, she’d answer that second phone call, period. That was the 911 signal. She picked up that second call. I called her a second time and she didn’t answer. I got a pit in my stomach and I called my boss. I was like, “I got to go do something. I’m taking the rest of the day off.” I drove up to her house and I’ll spare all of the details, but I found her dead in her kitchen.
The entire drive up there was this battle between your mind and your gut. Your gut knows something is wrong, but the entire 25-minute drive, my mind was trying to rationalize, “This is not happening.” I wound up having to break into her house. Immediately upon opening the back door after busting the window out, I saw her. I told Jessica I was going up there. I called her and all I could get out was, “She’s gone.” Jessica goes, “I’m on the way.” I called 911 and I was able to get out enough for them to send people, and then my entire world collapsed around me. It’s how Broadway shows where sometimes the curtains just drop. It felt like reality did that.
That’s the very way to describe it.
I’m in the fetal position hysterically crying in her driveway.
Outside.
I couldn’t be in the house. I wish I could remember her name, but the lady on the 911 call was like, “Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until they get there?” She was incredibly sweet. I didn’t talk because I’m sure she was listening to me banshee cry. She was sweet knowing that she was on the phone provided a little bit of comfort so I wasn’t all alone. The police and fire department and everyone get there. I wound up getting a couple of pointed questions from the police doing their job about where I was.
If there was a break-in.
Why I broke the glass, but they pretty quickly deduced that I didn’t have anything to do with it.
It’s the fact that that has to happen.
It’s weird having those questions asked to you at that time. Jessica gets there at some point and a police officer walks me over to her car and they put me in her car. I sat there and cried for what wound up being about two hours. The medical examiner shows up. They do all of their thing and then they bring her out. A police officer walks up to the car and we roll the window down and he says, “We’re wrapping up here. We’re going to lock the house up for you. We’ve secured the back door.”
They were awesome. He goes, “Is there anything you need out of the house?” I looked at Jessica because I couldn’t go back in. I’m like, “Go upstairs. Go to her desk in her office, go to this drawer, pull this 1-inch black binder out, and put it in the car.” At first, we asked the police to do it, and after two trips to the house, they couldn’t find it. I sent my wife in after it and she finds it.
How is it that when the guy goes to the refrigerator like, “I can’t find such and such,” I go in and find it? Is it a secret power that we women have?
We’re not the most perceptive bunch as males. I don’t know what it is. It is what it is.
It seems like a pattern, but I’m going to leave with that.
That’s one of the questions for God at the pearly gates one day. It is what it is. Jessica grabs it and puts it in the car. My mother was in prime health. She was 62 years old. She was active. Probably 2 or 3 months before this, she had signed up for a yoga class. She hikes a mountain in a state park by our house. She hiked religiously. She was doing research on the Camino Santiago in northern Spain. She had 110 miles worth of rugged hikes that she wanted to do. She passed away in August. In September of that year, she had a Greece trip planned.
She was doing it. She was retired. She finally retired and she had time for herself. The point of all of that is she was prime. She was in the prime of her life. She was healthy. She had always been healthy. She had a clean bill of health. She took no medication. She took care of herself and she ate healthy. I saw her a few days before we left. She gave me a big hug. I texted her when we took off. She texted me back, and then one day, it was just like that. My entire foundation for reality was gone. My mother was my best friend. That person is gone.
I remember driving home and Jessica was driving me that day after all the medical folks and police cleared out. I remember looking around in the car and that immediate piercing thought I had was, “What is everyone doing?” It was rush hour in Atlanta. Everyone is going about their business. They’re honking at each other. They’re cutting each other off. My mom just died and everyone is acting everything is the same. For me, that reality was gone.
Everyone's just acting like everything's the exact same, but for me, the reality was gone. Share on XI can relate to that. I remember when I was in the hospital and Mark had been in cardiac arrest and had coded several times. I remember following the doctors to the next waiting space, and people were walking by me talking about what they would have for lunch. I was like, “I don’t know when I’ll ever care about lunch.” Life keeps going. The next day when I woke up, it was offensive that the sun got up the next day. How does the world keep going? Doesn’t the world know this is the hardest moment and day of my life?” It doesn’t stop like that.
It’s sobering in a way. I don’t know how to describe the feeling. I feel lost. It’s like you’re on a different planet from everyone.
You are on the grief plan because your mental stability is now in the fall. Up until now, I feel like there has not been adequate conversation discussing what grief looks like past the funeral or what people go through. Three days to go back to work, depending on the situation, is a joke. That is hard. Even in all that, your mom was still loving and supportive because she set you up to not have to endure what she endured with her own mother.
Among the many other things we’ve talked about and have talked about, she had a knack for knowing what you needed before you needed it, especially in the sense of being my mother. She was always ahead of the curve. It was probably to your point that three days isn’t enough time for work. I barely got out of bed for three days.
Welcome To The Deadbook
Out of all of those things, I never heard anyone talk about what the grief journey was past the funeral. I had no concept. I did a lot of reading and talking to other widows, Widows are going like, “Is it?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I’m like, “Okay, fine.” My children watching them deal with that absence and still trying to function in life. Now you’re in the place that your mom was in years ago, having to be the administrator of her estate. Now you have a different sense of what she was feeling like at that moment, trying to go through all that. It was chaos. She leaned into that and put you in a position knowing how challenged you would be mentally to give you order to be able to do that with. When you look at The Dead Book, what is this and why is this here?
We wanted a logo obviously for the company. We wanted it to be soft and inspiring. My mother lived in my childhood home until about 2017. She moved and bought a townhome that was closer to work and closer to Big Town Square that she could walk to and have dinner, see concerts, and have fun. I was excited for her. She put Hummingbird feeders out in her backyard. When I would go up there and visit, we would go out in the backyard and chitchat. Sometimes we would have a cocktail and we would watch the hummingbirds. It started with one hummingbird and then it became a family of hummingbirds. We would always sit back there and talk.
You did not share that on the TikTok Live. Let me back up. I’m surprised there aren’t stains on here. I was like, “Tina, don’t mess it up. There’s got to be on this.” The title, “Yeah,” but the rest of this book, the hummingbird, the story behind that, and the touch of this is not the black binder that Susan dumped on you. The appeal of this is the color contrast. I can tell that you and whoever assisted you in developing this took great care.
To even though this was a difficult topic, you put it together in such a way that it is appealing. This is not your regular divider. There’s a quality that’s been put here. I don’t know if you could see it, but it says, “A life catalog for my loved ones.” There’s even an embroidered hummingbird on this label there. There’s a thought.” I want to read what is on the first page. It says, “We believe in embracing the inevitable and taking charge of your destiny. Welcome to the Dead Book.”
You’ve made mention of the name a couple of times, and that’s going back to my mother’s sense of humor and who she was. She called it what it was. That’s a little bit of her irreverent sense of humor as well. She called it her dead book and it fit. It was her dead book. It was for when she was dead and not here anymore. The materials that we put into it, we wanted it to be nice to use and nice to pick up because death is a heavy subject. In using The Dead Book, we wanted it to be pleasant to pick up and touch. The materials inside are nice heavy paper stock because we wanted it to be nice to use and to feel nice to use. As you write on it, we wanted it to feel nice and have the durability to last 10, 20, 30, or 40 years.
In the introduction of this book, you give a story similar to a shorter version of what you share with us as far as the inspiration for this and your mission. I want to read two things and then you have a book handy for you to go through and share. I am going to share your mission because I feel like that is worthy to be spoken of. “Death is a reality for all of us, as much as we may not want to admit it. Our mission is simple. We’re here to change the mindset surrounding death, what it means for our loved ones, and how to best prepare for that day. It’s a lot, we know, but we’re here to help.
When I wrote this, I tried to write it as much as I could in my mom’s voice. It’s a heavy topic, but she was able to approach those heavy topics in a way that made you feel better about it like, “We got your back. It’s okay. We’ve been through this. It’s going to be good. We got it.”
All those times before when she was your steady rock and doing different things, to be able to write that in her voice is wonderful. The user. I’m over here acting like I don’t need these. Let me quit playing. I’m over here struggling. I’m like, “You’re making it difficult?” There are some initial documents and information you’ll need to ensure you have organized to complete your dead book. We’ve outlined each in this section. You go through the different documents. I’m not giving you all of it because you need to purchase their book, but Tripp and Jess thought it was important what they’re sharing. When you go to their website, the code TINA10 will give you a 10% discount.
The next part of the book is The User, “First things first, there are some initial documents and information you’ll need to ensure you have organized in order to complete your dead book. We’ll outline each of these sections,” and then you go to list out the different documents that are necessary. A lot of things people don’t think about this. I want to mention the sheer amount of passwords that we have now as human beings because when you have to take care of business for someone, by the time things work through probate, your mom has a home. You needed to pay those bills.
Having to know which email address, how to get into her phone, the validation, all those different things and that’s day one. You haven’t been able to get past that, having things laid out, I know it’s a difficult conversation, but it is a conversation worthy to be had because I’m sure the process, even though it was a heavy emotional process, you didn’t have any percentage of the same struggle that your mom had, being the administrator of her estate.
To your point, it’s such a heavily emotional time and you’re in the throes of grief. Those five stages come in all sorts of weird groups and pairs. You’re trying to figure out which way is up. You’ve been sucked into a wave and you’re trying to find some air and you can’t get out. During that time, having everything in front of me and a roadmap to wishes for her memorial, dispositions of her remains, all of these things in front of me. I’m not going to lie, it’s still difficult. All of the administration of an estate is an archaic process.
Every company and every municipality and government put these processes together in the ‘50s. In 2000, they threw a computer into the middle of it. It’s such an archaic and opaque process that even when you do have the documents in front of you, it’s still a battle. You’re still having to try to figure stuff out and get to the right people, but not having the documents in front of you in a way that my mom did not with her mother is exponentially more difficult.
When someone purchases this book, what are you wanting them to take away from this purchase and what they’ve done for themselves and their family?
I want them to take peace away from it. I want them to have peace of mind that their wishes are on paper and will be carried out as they want them to be done. Peace of mind that grandma’s wedding ring or granddaddy’s watch goes to the right person that all of their belongings make it to the right people or donated to the correct charity, that all of their assets make it to their family in a way that’s as low stress as possible and that they have a good outline of assets, debts, liabilities, utilities, and all of these things. The biggest takeaway is the peace of mind that your loved ones are prepared when you are no longer here, then that they are as prepared as they can be to tackle the administrative piece of your worldly belongings.
They were able to successfully carry out your wishes. In the table of contents, the first thing you list is final wishes. Many people struggle with what would they have wanted. We never talked about that. That is something I have solace in knowing what Mark wanted. I didn’t have to guess. My mind is already clouded. I don’t have to try to wonder what that looks like. There may be some people listening that may have had one loved one pass and they had that struggle. That’s not a struggle you want to pass on to someone else if it can be prevented.
It’s such an emotional time. Everything is raw in that immediate period where you have to plan a funeral and a memorial. I hate to say it, but you want to do right by your loved one. You want to have the best memorial service you can have. If you don’t know what those wishes are and you’re working on a blank slate, you can wind up spending a lot of money very quickly.
The final wishes part, I never looked at it that way. You are so emotional and you can go spending so much money over the top because there’s no logic binding you to stay focused. All you are thinking is I want them to go out big. That’s fine, but it doesn’t have to be as absorb costly. This brings you back to logic to start looking at that part of this and ensure that you’re being a good steward with whatever you have to work with. Some people may say, “I don’t have a lot of money. They’ll just figure it out when I’m not here. It’s not like I have an estate or all these other different things.” What would you say to that person if they were thinking about buying this book?”
It’s not true. You have belongings and you have assets. That’s one of the top reasons why people don’t plan for their death. Don’t have a will and don’t have anything, “My family will figure it out. It’ll be fine.” What happens is the government gets involved. Not saying you don’t have enough assets, you have things that you want your family to have. Whether it be $100, family heirlooms, or whatever it may be, the government is going to get involved if you don’t have any documentation.
That’s important to know. Some of this is telling you these are some documents. I know you don’t get into the legal part of that, but the documents that you’re telling people to utilize, some of those they can prepare online. Some of those they can get with someone who has a notary and can be able to do that. It doesn’t mean that this is outside of your scope financially. It’s just making you think of the things that you need to do. There’s nothing like somebody calling because of the bills that you have or not knowing the passwords. There’s a lot to cover here. If you could point out 1 or 2 things about this book, what would you want to share?
The biggest thing for me, and there’s a space in each book, is a note to leave your loved ones for them to read after you pass away. That was inspired by my mother. She had a note in hers that was to me. In the note, she listed out some very important heirlooms that she had and the people she wanted those heirlooms to go to, but then it was a letter to me. It was her talking to me from the afterlife, and I still have it. I read it from time to time. At that moment, a few days after losing her to read that letter and her voice speaking to me, I’ll always cherish that. I’ll always have that letter because it was special to read it in her voice even though she wasn’t physically here anymore.
The second I would probably call out is the passwords. I can’t tell you how helpful the passwords were. I think we talked about it in the TikTok Live, but going through probate was relatively straightforward I got the letter of testamentary, which if people listening don’t know, that’s the government saying, “We’ve reviewed this. No one contesting the will. This person is the legal representative of this person’s estate.” There are still organizations and institutions that won’t take that. If they will not take that to identify you, they need that in conjunction with the death certificate. There were banks and mortgage companies and a few other places that I couldn’t do anything with until I got that death certificate. I’m at the mercy of the state and it took five months.
When you said government, that equals time.
During that time with her account passwords, I was able to get into her bank account, her mortgage company, and her car loan, and be sure all of those things were getting paid until I could talk to them and get the ball rolling on that front. I can’t tell you how valuable the passwords were from a peace of mind perspective knowing if I didn’t have those, the bank wouldn’t talk to me. There’s all of that added stress of, “Are they going to repossess her car? Is her home going to be foreclosed on? What’s going to happen?”
That fear and anxiety whirling around.
In a time where you don’t need any more fear and anxiety.
You’re already right here. There’s no space. Your feelings are all over the place.
Having a space to put all of your account logins and passwords is an invaluable tool that a lot of people don’t think about and consider.
Having it all in one spot to be able to lay things out. There are things that people may have not considered. What’s your website?
People can go right there and they can purchase their own. What is the average turnaround tine to receive the book?
I pack everything myself, and we ship the next day.
It packs well.
We get them out the next day. Depending on where you’re in the country, we ship out of Atlanta, Georgia. You should receive it between 3 to 7 days. West Coast takes a little bit longer.
I advise you to use the code TINA10. We talked about a lot. This is something you have dedicated yourself to doing and serving humanity. This is more than just giving somebody a book. This is your mom’s memory, her legacy, and part of you, if I understand this correctly.
In a lot of ways, it’s carrying on the love that she put into the world and continuing to help people like she always did with her ideas. That’s the motivating factor behind it all. It is continuing her legacy of love, caring about people, and wanting the best for people. Those were values that were instilled in me very early in my life, but it feels that much more special that it was her idea. These were values that she instilled in me and we are able to continue to put this into the world even though she’s not here with us anymore.
Creating Widowhood Real Talk
I have asked you a lot of questions. Any questions for me before we wrap up?
There are so many questions that we probably don’t have time for. You’re very brave for what you do, and what you’ve been through with Mark. There’s a lot of courage in that and in what you’re doing to help people and get information out. My question to you, and this is something that I ask everyone that I’ve met within this sphere, is what motivated you to take one of the worst and traumatic events of your life and turn it into your show to help people?
My current husband, because I did get remarried, had a cousin that passed. The widow posted on social media, it was her husband’s birthday. I was like, “It was his first birthday.” I know what that looked like for me. I reached out to her and asked her if she wanted to talk. At first, she didn’t, then she called me right away and we were on the phone for hours. She lives in the Atlanta, Georgia area. Talking to other widows and widowers, I found out how isolated and alone they felt, whereas my experience has been the polar opposite.
My family and friends came and buckled down. They have been here for the long haul. They’ve never shunned me or told me to stop talking about Mark. When I talked to more people and heard that they were experiencing something different, I was like, “That shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t lose this person that you love and now feel like the world has turned its back on you.” I wanted to create a safe space for people to create community and for people to know they can say their loved one’s name as much as they want to, and that they can celebrate them. It’s like Mordoff, that name should not be mentioned anymore.
That’s not the case. Celebrate our ancestors. Celebrate the people that we love. We are who we are because of them being in our lives. As far as our Western society, we are horrible as far as dealing with death. It should be something that, “This is a road I have to travel. Let me go ahead and knock this out because once it’s done, it’s in the drawer. You can update it and tweak it,” but the gift that you are giving the people who have to take care of this for you is amazing. I had a widow in one of the videos I had on YouTube. Her husband passed away two weeks ago, but she found one of the videos and it gave her peace. That is an inspiration to be a little uncomfortable with sharing my story to help somebody in their most difficult moments.
Thank you for doing that. To your point, Western civilization and society need more of it. I know it takes a lot of courage to do it and it takes a very special person to have the courage to do it. Your story has inspired me and Jessica as well. I wanted to ask because it’s always good to have a little bit of background to how you get from such a horrible traumatic event to putting yourself out there and sharing your story. Thanks for sharing a little bit of the background there. I appreciate it.
I will let you wrap up this conversation with final words to our audience. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for having me. Final words, that’s heavy. You didn’t let me know ahead of time I was going to get the final words.
Remember, this is an organic show. No script.
She’s not lying either. This is totally organic. Plan and have the courage to face your own mortality. To Tina’s point, it’s going to affect all of us at some point in life. It could be next week or 40 or 50 years from now. The fact is we never know. The love and the peace that you can leave for your family members by having a plan is incredible. I cannot probably put into words how much I appreciate my mother doing what she did for me. Have a plan, get the work done, put it in her drawer like Tina said, and go forward through the rest of your life with peace, knowing that your loved ones are going to be taken care of. In the meantime, get out there and live your life. Take that trip, and learn that new hobby because you never know. We’re only here for long and you should enjoy it while we are.
Maybe put it in a safe, not a drawer. That was bold. There are some things in there. A fireproof safe may be good.
I left out the fact that the drawer was locked. That was a good detail I left out but secure the information.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for joining the Widowhood. Don’t forget the code TINA10 to receive your 10% discount when you purchase your version of The Dead Book.
Thanks for having me. I had a blast as always.
Important Links
- Tripp Tillery
- TikTok
- The Dead Book
- https://www.Instagram.com/TheDeadBook.co
- https://www.TikTok.com/@TheDeadBook.co
- https://www.LinkedIn.com/Company/The-DeadBook
About Tripp Tillery
Tripp was born and raised in a suburb of Atlanta, GA. During his high school years, his parents divorced, after which Tripp lived with his mother Susan. He graduated high school from Mount Paran Christian School, and attended Georgia College where he completed a Bachelor of Science in Economics, and met his future wife and co-founder Jessica. After college Tripp entered the corporate world, and worked in various roles of increasing responsibility for two organizations over 12 years. As he gained higher level experience Tripp began to hope for a role that was more rewarding than simply maximizing profits, but nothing presented itself.
Tripp had always been very close with his mother, right up until the day she suddenly passed away in August 2022. Her death left Tripp shattered, wondering how he would move forward without his mother, mentor, best friend and anchor. As an only child, Tripp was named executor of his mother’s estate, and was responsible for the myriad of administrative tasks that ecompasses during the devatating and emotional time of grieving her loss. His mother luckily left him with what she called her “Deadbook”, which provided instructions and relevant information for how to administrate her estate, removing some of the stress and burden, and allowing Tripp to focus more on grieving.
In 2023, with the goal of carrying on Susan’s legacy of love, Tripp and his wife Jessica founded The Deadbook. Their mission is to help us plan for the inevitable, and encourage society to talk about death more openly in hopes that we, and in turn our loved ones, are more prepared when our day comes.
