During the holidays, grief can feel particularly overwhelming. Happy memories with a loved one who already transitioned flood in amid the season’s festive mood, and it is certainly a bittersweet feeling. In this episode, I cherish the memories of my late husband Mark through letters, photos, and cherished possessions. As I reminisce on our time together, I also talk about the significance of finding comfort in your loved one’s memories and how to manage your own grief as it hits you hard during the holidays. Join me as I guide you through this emotional landscape and support you in navigating this season with intention and grace.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide

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Watch the episode here

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The Gift Of Memories: Love’s Legacy During The Holidays

It is November 28th, 2024. Yes, it’s Thanksgiving. It can be triggering. It can be easy breezy. We don’t particularly know because grief has a funny way of just showing it. I would like to invite you, December 28th, 10:00 AM Eastern time. I am having an exceptional Thanksgiving group support group. You can register on Eventbrite, but the meeting is taking place confidentially on Zoom. You do have to register in advance and depending on when you’re reading this episode, you may have time to be able to make it.

I want you to know that I am thinking of you and you are not alone. I am on this journey with you and that’s why I’m available at 10:00 AM because I have found, when you’re able to start the day in a safe space with people who care and make all the difference in the world. Some of the people we may spend the holiday season with are not familiar with the gravity of this experience of losing a partner. I want you to know that throughout the world, there are people going through this with you.

Embracing Memories

We’re discussing memories and the first thing that people ask me as it relates to memories is, when is a good time to start embracing memories of your loved one? Most of the things as it relates to grief, I cannot tell someone when is the best time for you. I will say that if looking at those memories calls you to much pain that it makes you dysfunctional. It makes it hurt and it makes it feel like you just have a difficulty showing up in the day. It may not be a good time for you.

If you look at the memories relating to your loved one and it causes you some sadness. Those are happy tears of remembering those wonderful moments and you are able to embrace those moments and still continue on with your life. It may be a good time for you. That may be the next day. It may be five years later. Everyone’s journey through this grief is different, but I would ask you to consider as you’re thinking about, Am I holding up after watching these memories or looking or reading letters?

Sharing Memories Through Letters

If you find out that it’s no, then it’s no. If you find out that is yes, then you have the green light to go forward. In the concept of discussing memories, I am going to share some of my favorite memories and experiences and things that have come out of Mark’s passing with you. The first thing that I want to share with you are some letters that Mark wrote to me when I was stationed in Korea and he was in Honduras and also Fort Huachuca, Arizona.

When I was in Korea, I purchased this box. It was so frilly and it’s so cute. I said, “This is going to be where I keep my letters that Mark sent me while I was stationed in Korea.” I had no idea how important this box would be in my life. When Mark passed, I instantly thought of this box and I was going through the house trying to find it. I had not seen this box in years. I knew it existed, but I forgot where I placed it. I went into the basement and I was going through all these boxes that had not been opened in years. I was frantic and distressed. I could not find it at all.

I started to wonder, had I thrown these away? What happened as my brain was in such a grief fall. I could not think straight. A little bit of time passed and I found it. It made me feel so good. Even though I found it, I did not open it and I didn’t read the letters. I was not ready for that, but I was ready to know where this was and it existed. I did pick out a couple letters I was going to read in advance. Mark and I would send each other tapes while I was in Korea and he was still back here in the state.

We had these two little miniature reporters that we would use to send letters back and forth to each other. Now, interesting enough, this contains the letters that Mark sent to me. I don’t know where the letters are that I sent to him. I have no clue. There are some cards. The letters are in the box. There are some cards that Mark sent to me over time and a few other different things. I did put his obituary and then also a card from his obituary. It seemed right to put it in here with everything else. I haven’t looked at the cards, so we’re about to do this together.

“A special birthday wish for you. The happiness we give away lives on and on day after day.” It still lives on this many years later. There’s no date marketing here, but I have no Mark for over 32 years. “I can’t seem to put my thoughts in words, but surely you must know a heart can feel so many things. The words can never show and with your understanding, you’ll know this wish for you brings all my love and gratitude for thoughtful things you do. Have a happy birthday. Love always, Mark.”

Let me see what other things are in here. I’m going to read a couple of letters, but I at least want to see the cards. I haven’t seen them. Thank you for doing this with me. I like flowers. For some reason, the color differential. I’m not sure what’s going on with that. “You came into my life and filled me with happiness. You’re the most important part of everything I do and my life is so much happier since the day I met you. There is nothing I want more throughout this day to be then just to go on loving you and knowing you love me. Happy Easter. Always. Love, Mark.”

I don’t think I can hold up and read another card. I’m going to pull out the letters that I identify to read during this conversation. The first letter I believe is the very first letter that Mark sent to me when I was in Korea. He was still, I want to say in Aberdeen Proving Ground and I was in Korea. Shortly thereafter, he went to for Fort Huachuca, Arizona. In this letter, I think that he was still in Aberdeen Proving Ground, and that’s where we met.

This letter is dated. I’ve put the dates on them and put them in order. This is dated 18 March 1986. He handwrits them. Who writes so many letters nowadays? Here we go. “Hi, DL.” Dark and lovely was the name he had for me. He wrote the date but as I folded them and place them in order, I wanted to have the date on the outside of the letter.

“Hi, DL. If I were to say that I am doing fine, I would be lying. Yesterday, in volleyball practice, I twisted my left ankle pretty bad. I jumped up to block the ball and when I came down, the guy on the other side bumped me just a little, so I had my ankle go turn under me when I came down. I laid on the floor holding my left leg for about three minutes before I let anyone look at it. When I came down on it, I heard it crack. I thought for sure it was broken. They picked me up and took me out to the boss’s car, Staff Sergeant Rio, and he took me over to the hospital. We were at the hospital for about an hour and a half. The doctor said it wasn’t broken. I was on a profile for ten days.”

If you’ve not been in the military, it means it’s something wrong with you and you’re not able to perform your duties. You put on like a no operation. It was not the very first letter. I apologize. The first letter Mark sent me was 24th February ‘86. This was afterwards. I’ll see if I’m reading that one. “Some good news. Now., I’m going to take Business Math at Harford Community College. Classes begin on Monday, March 24th and continued throughout Thursday, May 15th, 1986. My classes are on Monday and Wednesday night from 6:30 PM to 9:10 PM.

Here is some good news or maybe it will be some bad news. The 203rd military intelligence battalion is going to take the 11th military company. We have to have a new M2.” That is equipment that’s used for your organization TONE. “We will only be authorized two photographers. We have four photographers and I have been here the long time but they named me on the excess list.” What that meant was that his job was changing and the people that they were allowed to have in his organization, which was the job he had as a photographer, was going down from 4 people to 2.

Even though he was there the longest, they placed him on the excess list, which means they were seeing that he was extra and they didn’t need him. “They placed my name on the excess list. Tomorrow, I’m going down to Arlington Hall to see the NCOIC of my MOS,” so the non-commissioned officer and his military skill. “To see where I can go from here in the states and overseas. Who knows? I might be coming to Korea or Japan.”

I was in Korea, so that was super hopeful. Now, he started this letter at 9:38 AM and now it’s 20:00 hours. “For one thing, I won’t know for sure for a while. Anyhow, don’t make any decision yet on where to come back to yet.” I was in Korea and it was a short tour, which was just a year. I extended for another six months, which gave me the option of where I wanted to come back in the States, but he was just saying because I’m going through my tour not making a decision because I wanted to be where he was, and that wasn’t decided yet.

“I think you said that you have six months to decide. I’ll keep you up to date on my status. I just got your letter, the one dated 13th, March 1986. I was glad to see it and it had the right address.” 230 MI Battalion. Not 501st or 29th because he had moved to a different unit or whatever. “Shane has been running around with Anne last weekend. They got into an accident. I don’t know the whole story, but I think Anne was driving and they were drinking. I believe it was on post by the school brigade. I saw Jacky tonight in January. I gave her your address.

I went down Saturday afternoon and Friday. It was raining bad and I was tired, so I decided to wait till the morning. They asked how were you were doing and if you write. I told them what you told me, the reason I didn’t make a paragraph or make it a big deal because of how you asked me to respond. I was going to ask you if you were wearing my sweatshirt from Germany that says Octoberfest 83 on it. When you wrote before and told me I didn’t have to wear the Chicago Bears shirt.” It’s because I’m from Chicago. “There are some photos of me skiing that Fred took on the ski trip and I told him about it. He has gone to find the photo from the house. I hope you like it.”

I have never read this letter in a long time. In the photo that Mark is talking about, I think it’s in his obituary. Now, I have to go find it and look and see. Very many memories. It is not here, but it was on the memorial video that we have from him. I didn’t know his friend gave us that photo and where it even came from. “That’s it for now. I try to explain some more things on the tape in a few days and have some questions on there, too.”

I thought I could read three letters. I’m going to see if I can make this. That is the one from 18 March and I am going to read what is the first letter that he sent me from 24 February 1986. “To my love Tina, I got up a 07:10. Yes, I got up late again. This week, I’m going to do the hallway clean up, so it doesn’t matter too much. I got to work out about 018 and I mixed color slides and chemicals.” Mark was a photographer in the military and they were still mixing chemicals in developing film for themselves.

“After that, I developed four roles of slides. By then, it was time for lunch. I had baked chicken, potatoes and some pineapple slices to eat. I had a Coke to drink.” Mark did not like Coke. He was a Pepsi guy, so I’m not sure if he was happy about that day. “I went back to work and then I had to go to the motor stables.” Motor stables is where they keep all of the military vehicles.

“When I got there, my truck wasn’t there. Maybe it was outside, so I walked into the motor pool and there it was. It was inside because I had to do a service on it.” Pretty much PMCS, preventive maintenance service or something you do on your military vehicles and there’s a schedule in which you do them based on the services. Pretty much like we do at our vehicles, but it’s more related to the military side.

“The people in the motor pool inspected it and said, ‘What was wrong?’ I had to clean the air filter and the body an put grease where it belongs. We placed the right side of the motor or the window blade and changed out twice. I don’t have to change the tires.” They rotate them at the motor pool. “I had to clean the rest off and the battery from the box, too. I cleaned the battery box and jacked up the truck. I’m not doing this about myself. Staff Sergeant Ray is helping me because I was like, ‘That is not safe. There should be protocol,’ which there is.

We just got the truck jacked up and all of the nuts off the tires and rotated them around to the proper place. By the end, though, it was snowing outside so we went back to work at the shop and didn’t do PT. Freddie was on me about getting my hands dirty and saying he had been there with the camera.” Being a photographer, he wasn’t out there getting himself dirty or anything. “I still have dirt and grease on my hands. Mostly under my fingernails. Freddie told all the people in the motor pool that I crashed and fell on my nose skiing Friday.

People kept coming up to me and saying, ‘How had you fall on your nose skiing?’ I said, ‘Freddie didn’t tell you the whole truth.’ They said Freddie was just trying to show off. Remember on the tape that I told you about falling, that one time and last time down the hill. I’m going to stop writing and thinking about you for the last two and a half hours. Good night, my sweet dreams. I should be saying have a good afternoon. Love you. 23:00 hours where you’re at. I got up the earliest, since I’ve been back 06:40,” because Mark would travel back and forth behind doors in different places like that.

I think because the B company was having an inspection at 07:00. Everyone from the B company was there. They had been in different places and different grades from SP4 to SFC and First Sergeant. “I’m getting tired, too. That’s all for now. I think I might put the rest on the tape. I hope you don’t keep me up late tonight,” because he was missing me. This was the first letter he wrote, but I received more taped before this. I need to take these and get these digitalized because when I tried to listen to one of them, it was all scratchy. That’s something I wanted to do.

That’s a couple of letters. It wasn’t all the ones I thought I would read but I’m satisfied with that. It has been years and it still hits me some way looking at these things, but it also brings back so many wonderful memories. I’m glad that I kept these things over the years and I didn’t just get rid of them. Sometimes, you just have a lot of stuff you don’t think about what is going to mean later, but this was a good decision. I’m glad that I kept these and all the cards and everything else. I’ll post that later, but this is my memory box of letters from Mark over the years.

Looking At Photos

The next thing I want to share with you are some photos. My most favorite picture of us was we are in a house in Gloucester, Virginia that we purchased and we were moving in. Two of my sister’s Denise and Yomanka were in the area and needed a lot helping us move in. One of them took this picture. I just like the way we’re laughing. I’m leaning on him and just embracing. A few more photos. I want to share this one. These are pictures from when we got married. We eloped in Florida, and it was the two of us. We were having a good time.

Looking at the picture now like Mark with a midriff. He had so much hair. I would always call him Sasquatch because he had just so much hair. It was on the beach in Orlando, Florida, and we are just enjoying ourselves together. I think we had already got married the day before that. There’s a picture of Mark. We enjoyed traveling and going to museums and a picture of him at a museum before. I will say that during the holidays is when I tend to look at photos the most. It may not always be a traditional holidays. It maybe his birthday. It may be our wedding anniversary. Special moments for us that tends to give me a time when I want to go back and look at photos.

 

There’s a picture in my room in the barracks in Korea. It’s something I had with our names drawn on it and a painting that I had done in Korea. That is in my barracks in Korea when Mark came to visit me there. That is because that’s where I had done it. That may be my room in Fort Eustis. The picture painting I had done in Korea and I had our names done in that artwork. That was in Fort Eustis after I returned from Korea and that’s where that was from that time.

I didn’t have that picture. It was the same picture that I had taken. I like this picture. I see what’s happening here. I am a short. Those orange shorts are the same orange shorts that I’m wearing in this picture. This was us probably getting ready for the party and Mark was dressed already and I was just still messing with him but the laughter in our face and the love. It just me some way. Mark loved hunting. He loved fishing. He was an outdoor guy. If he had an opportunity to fish, he was going to take it. This was a big fish that he caught one day.

For my friends that are listening to this on all the audibles, please go to check out my YouTube channel where you can get to see the pictures and everything that I’m showing. Another picture of Mark fishing and that may have been in our backyard in a house in Gloucester because there’s like a seven acre pond behind that house. It was his place to come home from work, go right out to the pond and decompress before having to just get involved with anything. It was a good place for him to have space to relax.

Another picture of Mark with the fish and I don’t fish, so I couldn’t tell you what type of fish it is, but I knew he caught a lot of bass, so I’m guessing it’s that but maybe somebody that is an avid fisher person. You can tell me what type of fish you think it is, but it was just good to see him happy and just fishing. I’ll put those away. Two more photo albums. Not every photo but some of the photos in it. The house in Gloucester that I’m referring to, when the house was under construction and it is me sitting on the stall of what would be the front door and little porch to the house.

Mark was a licensed electrician and I must say, I just thought he was sexy every time I could take a picture of him. Him walking through the house with the tools as he’s about to do something electrical. To reduce the cost of the house, since Mark was a licensed electrician, we bartered with the builder and we took on the cost of the electrical work and the wiring and different things like that. That saved us some money. We also bartered on the cost of painting and purchased a painter. Friends come in and help us do painting.

When the house was done and we moved into the house, you could see a little bit of the pond in the back. One more photo out, a picture of when Alexander was born. It’s Catherine and Alex together. Marcus holding them and I am taking the picture. The kids have on outfits that are matchy-matchy. A picture of Mark and his mom. His mom is no longer here either. It’s a picture of Mark, his mother, Catherine, and Alexander. It’s when we just brought Alexander home from the hospital. I think I did it backwards because there’s a picture of us in the hospital waiting for Alexander to be born. Once again, Mr. Sexy looking over there.

Dealing With Wedding Bands

I’m in the bed doing what people do before they have a baby. Probably not screaming, but a little painful right there. I’m not about all that pain. Those are some pictures from us. One of the things that was difficult to do in how to handle work, a lot of items that I wasn’t using since Mark was no longer here and the idea of what to do with our wedding bands. I worked in the business office. In the installation where I worked, it required me to show new people around the installation. The first time that I had to show someone around the installation after Mark passed, I was wearing my wedding band.

When you don’t know people, you try to have conversations. It’s like a little hanger fruit and the person said, “How was your husband doing?” I said, “He’s dead.” It just came out of my mouth before I could think about it and then I went on to the whole story about how he died. This was like five minutes into the visit and we were about to spend the rest of the day together. I know they wanted to run out of the building.

After it came out of my mouth, I was like, “That was too much, Tina,” but I had no filter and I had no concept of how to control that. I hated that part of grief feeling like I was not competent. That grief fog was so heavy and everything was awkward. I was trying to figure out how to exist. I had to start thinking about, how do I manage this? I thought about how I would share the story of my husband not being here but not going into that level of detail anymore because nobody needed that.

 

In time, I felt weird wearing my wedding band. I feel like I wasn’t married anymore. I know the reality of that stop the moment that Mark no longer breeds in this world but coming to terms with that is a different thing. When I was at the point that I no longer felt comfortable wearing our wedding bands, I wanted some way in which I could wear it and not be awkward. One of my good friends, Jennifer Mariner, did an episode with me. I want to say in 2023, she took me to Cameo who was another widow there on bass and she said, “You need to talk to Cameo. She has something that will help you.”

I know Cameo. We worked together but I dare say that was our longest. She showed me what she had done with her wedding bands. These are our wedding bands. The outer heart is Mark’s wedding band and the inner heart is my wedding band. I wear it on this chain. I took it to a jeweler and I showed them a picture of what I wanted and they were able to create it. Leaving it there at the jeweler was hard. I was like, “Tina, it’s just some ring. She’ll get them back.” I feel like I was leaving a part of myself there with the jeweler.

When I went to pick them up and saw the work that they did, I was extremely satisfied. As with my engagement ring, I was still keeping that but I was not wearing it. When I remarried with Fred, I took the diamond cluster off of the engagement ring and placed it on a necklace as a pendant for Catherine and that was my gift to her when I got married. This may be something super helpful for you, as you look to repurpose different things with your spouse.

Quilt Made From Mark’s Clothes

The last thing that I want to show you and I hope you’re able to get a good view of this. A good friend of mine named Grisel. This was the week before I was leaving Pennsylvania, and returned to Virginia. She came over to say hello, a little bit of crying and the reality I was leaving. Grisel is my version, I’m not sure what the term is, but she’s a master quilter. She is amazing and I love her. Over time living in Pennsylvania, Grisel and I grew close. I remember when she started quilting. She had all the equipment and was doing everything. It was just amazing.

She comes to the house and we’re just talking about different things. We were on the floor in Alexander’s bedroom and we started talking about my drive to Maryland to see a good friend of mine, Barbara and then I would drive on to Virginia. I still had the last of Mark’s clothes in the closet because I had identified things that I give him away to Salvation Army or immense support house or things like that.

These final items I could not part with, but I was struggling with what I would do with those driving to Virginia. In my head, I was thinking, “Are you going to take this three four states away and make it that heavy in the car?” In that conversation, Grisel said, “Can I have those clothes?” I was like, “What are you going to do?” Grisel said, “Can I have those clothes and make a quilt out of it for you?” I started crying and I was like, “It was so heavy to think about taking those clothes and being in the car and driving. I saw myself crying the whole way there.”

When she said that, I knew that was an answer to my prayers from God as far as what to do with the clothing. When I took them out of the closet and I took it out and placed it in her car, I feel like I was carrying Mark. I laid it in the car so gently. I placed it there. I think it was 2 or 3 trips. I had some clothes from the children. I had some clothes remaining from me and Mark and the quilt that Grisel did for me.

When I saw the back end, I was like, “Oh my gosh. I am African-American, i.e Black and White and that’s Mark. The level of care.” When I said that, she said, “I never thought about the reality that you are a Black and White couple. It just seemed like it fit,” and it did. I am 5’9 just for perspective, and the quilt is covering me from head to toe and that is the short part of it. If I hold it up longer, It’s a different perspective altogether. The clothing that’s in here, there is a green from address that I had. The tan is a suit that Mark wore. The blue over is another suit. Orange is something from Alexander and there’s a white. A white in here is a blouse from me and another shirt that Mark wore.

When this came, I was in Virginia. Maybe I’ve been here for about a year and Grisel sent it to me. I was so apprehensive about opening the box and what that would look like for me. I took it with me to my grief share support group and I opened the box there. It was a good decision. They took some of the weight of the emotional weight of having to open that box and thinking about what it meant. When I slept with this, it feels like a weighted blanket.

Episode Wrap-up

It made me feel like Mark was hugging me, the weight of the blanket and I slept so good when I received this blanket. It was a hard emotional thing to do, but it brought me so much comfort. Those are some of my favorite memories that I usually embrace and look at during the holidays. I am so interested to hear from you and see what are some of your favorite memories, what are the things that you embrace about your love one. Have you got to the place that you are now embracing memories or maybe you’re in a place where you’re not ready for that yet? What has that been looking like for you?

I invite you to email me at WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com and share that with me. I would like to connect and hear from you. I also would like to invite you to participate in our event locally in Norfolk, Virginia, surviving the winter wonderland. It is a social shenanigans. Yes, there are widows and widowers literally coming from around the United States. Hopefully, when you read this, we have a few slots left if you want to participate. There are details on our website at WidowhoodRealTalkWithTina.org and also on Eventbrite.

There will be information as far as lodging and the activities. On the top side on Friday night, when people get in, we’re planning to have a social in the hotel lobby where the majority of people should be staying. On Saturday night, we are having dinner and get together. Sunday, we are having breakfast. Each person is responsible for paying for their lodging and meals. Meals on Friday and also on Sunday. Saturday night, the meals are included in the fee.

There will be a swag bag and we’ll have activities in different things planned out that you’ll see there on Eventbrite. The event is December 6th through the 8th. This episode is airing on November 28th. You have until the 30th to be able to register and to participate in this event. If you’re interested in additional details, please also email me at WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com For any additional details. The sweatshirt that I am wearing was created by Sylvia who is a widow that I met on TikTok.

She does these custom-made sweatshirts. You can either email me for her information or you can find her on TikTok and also on Instagram at @SheIsAWomanInspired. She will allow you to pick the color. The sweatshirt information says, “Widow with a heart.” On the sleeve of your shirt, you can choose to put initials or you can put the name of your loved one. It is so soft. She also provides care instructions. You are not going to be at a loss on what to do with it. I just thought it was so amazing that she came up with this idea. I am enjoying getting to know her and just being able to promote what she is doing to support the widowhood.

I hope that this conversation has been helpful for you. If the holidays have you in a tizzy, it is all spun up. Know that it is okay for you to step away from everyone and find a space to relax to exhale. It’s okay if you don’t want to go do all of the things that you’ve done before because life is different in trying to plug and play ourselves into activities that don’t fit when our loved one is not here. It may be impossible that you may serve yourself better to relax, to not put the pressure on yourself to do everything but if you feel like doing it, then do it. This is a journey that you are figuring out how it works for you individually. I want to say thank you for allowing me to spend this Thanksgiving with you. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Bye.

Important Links

• YouTube – Widowhood Real Talk with Tina
• WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com
• Website – Widowhood Real Talk With Tina