In this heartfelt episode of Widowhood Real Talk with Dr. Tina, Dr. Tina welcomes Yulonda Hurst Hill—speaker, author, storyteller, life coach, and Director of The Widowed Well. Together, they explore the emotional, spiritual, and practical decisions widows face after loss, how to rediscover identity, and what it means to build a meaningful life while honoring the love that came before.

Yulonda shares insights from her digital guide, The Wise Widow: The First 7 Decisions After Loss, along with her passion for helping widows heal through storytelling, faith, and legacy. This conversation offers compassionate encouragement, practical guidance, and hope for anyone navigating grief after the death of a spouse.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others. 

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World.

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Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

The Wise Widow: Finding Hope, Healing, And Identity After Losing Your Spouse With Yulonda Hill

What happens when purpose slowly creeps in where all you thought you had was pain? What happens when your pain is so intense and someone thinks that they’re giving you comforting words and all they’re doing is adding to your pain? What happens when your grief shows up in church and you’re not sure if this is the place where you can say it out loud, but your pastor notices what’s going on? This conversation is what we’re going to talk about with Yulonda Hill. Let’s get into the discussion now.

 

 

Yulonda, welcome to widowhood.

Thank you so much. I’m excited to be here. Thank you for having me and asking me.

Redefining Your Space After Sudden Loss

You are welcome. When you hear, “Welcome to the widowhood,” what’s the ticker tape in the back of your mind? If someone were to look and say, “Welcome to the widowhood,” what’s in there?

Hearing, “Welcome to the widowhood,” is a group that you never necessarily wanted to be in. I had this conversation with someone. This is the person. This is the thing on the other side of the room. Initially, it was rough. Welcoming to widowhood says to me, “Welcome to the other side of what was devastating and what was horrible.” It no longer has that meaning and that connotation behind it. I know it’s to help other people who are going through a dark night of the soul as well because we walk that path.

You say walk that path. Let’s begin with your story. Who was Yulonda before widowhood? Who is this incredible man that you shared your life with?

Unforeseen Love And Surrendering Control

I love to have this conversation about this man anytime I get a chance to talk about him. Yulonda was the person who she knew at twelve years old, she didn’t want to be married. She didn’t want children. She wanted to live in New Zealand. The twelve-year-old, in the seventh grade. Mr. Stuart Nelson asked what we wanted to do. I said, “I want to live in New Zealand, and I want to be the first Supreme Court justice at about 27. When I walk in a room, they’ll say, “There she is.” He said, “Really?”

That’s how vivid. It sounds like it could have been a detailed plan, but go ahead.

That’s what I wanted. When I was a kid, I never did play with Barbie and Ken. I never did play house. I always thought about what was I going to do to make the world know who I was. Getting married was never in the plan. Having children was never in the plan. I never thought about it. When I met James and we started talking about life with a partner. He said, “Marriage can be beautiful if you have the right person.” I was thinking, “Okay.” She’s not me.

The more that I talked with him and one day, I realized that I was in love with him. I did not know that God could love me in such a way that he freed me to relax. He freed me to love. I tell people this when I’m teaching on talking to women about submitting to their husbands. I said, “When the Bible talks about husbands and wives, wives submit to your husband and husbands to love your wife like Christ loved the church. You realize that if I can trust Him the way I can trust him, if He frees me up to love him the way I want to love him.” I got married at 35.

I was older when I got married and I had bought my house already. I was paying bills already. I was in a corporate job. I was doing well. Things were great, but then this man. It was amazing. I could not imagine waiting so long after I found out what love could be. We finally got married and it was great. I was looking forward to getting up and cooking. The day after the wedding, I said to my friend, “I can’t wait to cook breakfast for him.” She said, “Is that what you’re looking forward to?” I said, “It is.” This man was amazing.

He was brilliant. He was very articulate. He was over this program called SARE, or Sustainable Agriculture and Research Education. He was the director of it. He was over thirteen Southeastern states, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Out of 100% of his job, he traveled for about 70% and he loved it. He loved working and he loved me. That life we had was beautiful. I never thought that we’d be in this place.

Welcoming the widowhood means reaching the other side of devastation and finding peace after darkness. Share on X

We’re trying to hear the love story. I want to hear about this story.

It takes so long to tell the story but thank you for allowing me to do this and giving me permission to relax and tell it.

You’re going to make me get a teacup and be like, “I asked for tea.”

While we dated, we had some ups and downs because I had never been in love before. As a matter of fact, James is the only man I’ve ever dated. The only man I’ve ever been in love with from that time until this time. This love was so amazing. When we finally got together, his mother became ill. When his mother became ill, he called me and said, “I’m on my way to South Carolina. Mom is sick and I think it’s terminal.”

In an instant, he moved from Macon to South Carolina to take care of his mom. It was the most amazing thing. I was thinking, “What does that leave me?” After he got there and stayed there and took care of her until she passed away. He got a job offer to come back this way because he was working for the University of South Carolina. He said, “I’ve been offered a job, but I don’t know.” I said, “It’s your dream job. Go for it.” He finally came back this way and we started living together. I couldn’t tell my grandmother.

I couldn’t tell my Nana that we were living together. One morning, we got up and we’re on the way to church. I was leading the choir. I was directing the youth. He said, “Baby, we can’t get up another morning like this. God is not happy. He’s not happy with us just living together.” I said, “We’ll talk about it.” Maybe about another week or so, the next thing I know, I came home, the lights were off and I had some plastic candles by the fireplace. Different-colored candles.

He lit these plastic candles and the wax from the plastic candles had dripped on the carpet. I was not happy. There were rose petals. I was like, “Who’s cleaning this carpet?” We are distracted. He’s like, “Baby, where are you?” There were roses on the floor. I saw the roses until I smelled the candles. I’m looking around like, “Where are the candles?” I looked up and I said, “They are plastic chunking on the carpet.” I walked around into the bedroom and he’s sitting. On the nightstand, there is a blender with water and two dozen roses in the blender with the water.

Now, I know what he was doing. He probably bought the flowers and couldn’t find a vase so he put them in the blender. He had real candles lit in the bedroom. I said, “Baby, it’s so beautiful here. What are you doing?” He said, “How was your day?” I did not like my job and he loved his. I said, “The same stuff. It’s okay as long as I am coming home to you.” He said, “You know how much I love you.” I said, “I do.” He said, “I have been so excited about living life in the present with you. I want to do the same until eternity.” I said, “That’s so sweet. That’s so beautiful.” He said, “Listen. Do you hear me?” I said, “Yes. I want the same with you.”

It still did not dawn on me that this man is proposing. He said listen. He said, “With just me and you here. I love you.” I said, “Baby, I love you. We’ve established that. You know I love you”. He said, “Baby, would you marry me?” I said, “Of course. Yes.” He said, “Are you serious?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “I’ve asked you before,” because he had.

I had said no before because I did not think that I was ready. That time of us living together was some of the best time of my life, and I said yes. He did not have a ring. I thought, “Did you know you were going to propose to me?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “You didn’t get a ring.’ He said, “I thought you might want to pick out your own ring because I know you.” I was like, “Oh, yes.”

Was he right in that idea?

Yes, he was.

The people need to know that.

He was right. He gave me something. I put it on. It was something little. It was sweet. I said, “I am so extremely happy.” Out of all of that time when I called people to let them know that we were getting married, he said, “When are we going to get married?” I said, “We can plan.”

At what point did you turn out the candles that were melting? When did that happen?

When I walked in, and the candles were dripping on the thing, they got blown out then.

Before you went to the bedroom, because the candles were still burning somewhere in my head. I needed closure with that.

That was done.

We’ll move back to him asking, “When are we going to get married?”

A little time passed, and people told us, “Congratulations on your engagement,” and stuff. It was great. He said, “Baby, when are we going to get married? When do you want to?” I said, “We have time to plan,” because in my mind, being engaged was enough. It was enough for that time because it gave me more time. It was enough for me, but it was not enough for him. One Sunday, we got up, and he said, “When do you want to do this?” I said, “We can talk about it.”

We were leaving out of church because I directed worship at my church. We were leaving out, and my pastor came across the mic and he said, “Lady Hurst, may I see you at the front?” I looked back through the doors and they said, “Yulonda, Pastor Bumpus is calling you.” I said, “Okay.” I walked down, and there was James. He said, “Braheel here tells me that you all are getting married.” I said, “Yes, sir.” He said, “Braheel says he’s ready.” I said, “I am too.” He said, “We can start counseling tomorrow.”

Grief isn't always neat or quiet. It's okay to ask tough questions and feel the weight of mental chaos. Share on X

I said yes, and he said, “Braheel, when do you want to get married?” He said, “I would like to get married this Saturday.” I whispered to him, “Are you pregnant? What are you talking about?” I was so confused. I said, “Oh.” He said, “Is Saturday good for you?” My pastor said, “Is Saturday good for you?” I said yes. We got to Thursday.

Are there still people in church?

They’re out because the church has been dismissed.

It’s just the three of you?

Yes. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then we get to Thursday. He says, “Baby, are you inviting anybody?” I said, “Where? Where am I inviting them to?” He said, “Here. We live right here. We love it here. We do life right here. We can get married right here.” I said, “Okay.” I called my Nana, my aunt, and my mom. I said, “I know it’s Thursday, but I’m getting married Saturday.” Everybody said, “What?” I said, “I’m getting married Saturday.”

I called my brother and my uncle. I said, “Do you all want to call me?” They said yes. It was so sweet. That Saturday morning, we got up and my Nana came in. She had bought flowers and things. We sat down, and she said, “Are you nervous?” I said, “I don’t know why I am, but I am.” She said, “Are you ready? Do you love him?” I said, “Absolutely. I did not know love like this was possible.” She said, “Yulonda, we watched the two of you together, and he’s your soulmate.”

I said, “Nana, he is, but do you think we’re rushing things?” She said, “Did you all live together?” I said, “Yes, ma’am. We do.” She said, “Baby, get married. It’s the day, okay?” We got married and it was beautiful. I cannot find those pictures. I have no idea where those pictures are for the ceremony. That was in 2004. In 2005, we did a recommitment ceremony. That’s when we did the big shebang for everybody. Life with him, the way he freed me to just do nothing but be his wife, I didn’t have to worry about anything.

I didn’t have to worry about how we would be, where we would be, and what we would do we. James did all of that. He did all of that. I just never thought that I would be loved like that. I never thought that was possible. I never thought that God wanted that for me. As strange as it is to say, but that is me married with two cars in the garage, a white picket fence, children and a dog. I didn’t see any of that. I knew what I wanted for my life.

I didn’t see that, including anybody else. That life with him was absolutely amazing. It was beautiful. My friends tell me, “Yulonda, some of us have never experienced that and will never experience that in a lifetime.” I say that, “It breaks my heart for you because I want that for everyone.” Our life was not perfect together, but it was perfect for us. We never went to bed mad. My husband did not yell at me, did not curse at me, and did not raise his voice to me.

Now, I raised my voice. I wish I could say the same, but I would raise my voice. Even when I would say things that were unbecoming to a wife, my husband would say, “You’re upset. I need you to calm down. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about this in a rational way? It’s because you’re emotional? Do you love me? You want to talk?” That would be his way of calming me. It was the most beautiful fairy tale-ish, but it was amazing.

We’re on this conversation because James is no longer here. Every widow remembers that moment where their life changed forever, and it is unique to each one of us. What I would like for you to share, if you’re willing, is what the days and months after James were no longer here, what your life looked like.

Navigating Mental Chaos And Crisis of Faith

It was mental chaos. I could not understand why God would want this from me. I could not understand if Romans 8:28 were true. I believe that it is. If I believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is true, and I believe that it is, how could this be a good future for me? How could he want good for me? How could all things work out for me? How can those scriptures be true? I kept trying to determine or I kept trying to figure out what had I done that I either had not asked forgiveness for or that I had not done enough of that God would want healing for James.

The day that James passed, I laid across his body and said, “God, I know you can do it. I know you did it for Lazarus. I know you did. If you want to, you can.” When God didn’t, the only thing I could think of was that God did not want to and that beat me over the head. Not just for a month or a year, but a few years. I would travail here in the house. I could not imagine. My mom stayed with me after James passed until his birthday in May. I couldn’t go back to work. I couldn’t change forms. I couldn’t change who was my emergency contact. I couldn’t change the beneficiary.

 

 

Other people had to type things in for me. I couldn’t. I wanted to die. No one knew this. I just told the story to my mom. I told my mom, “In 2016, at Thanksgiving, the reason I didn’t come over to auntie’s house quickly is because I had made the decision to die that day.” My heart hurt so badly. I felt like I wanted to take my hand and put it in my chest and hold it. I could not see living that way for the rest of my life in that pain. As much as I did not ever fathom having a husband after James passed away, I could not see the rest of my life without my husband.

People would say, “You’ll learn how to be strong.” I said, “That’s a lie. The Bible doesn’t tell me to be strong. It says there is no other way than that.” It tells me that in my weakness, God is strong. God wants to be God for me. I know that. After a while, and again, not just one year or two years, but after a while, God plainly spoke and said, “You’re upset because I didn’t do what you wanted. You’re not upset about where he is because you know he’s with me. You know to be absent is to be present with him. You know that. You’ve been in church all your life, but you’re upset with my timing. You’re not upset. You’re upset with the process.”

“Unless you’re caught up in the rapture, he’s going to have to die to get to it. Don’t you think he deserved rest? Don’t you think he deserved peace?” I said, “Yes, but I’m in church. I’m a worship leader. He’s a Sunday school teacher and a deacon. How is it possible?” Let me tell you. I could not understand how Jimmy Carter was still living, and my husband wasn’t.

I said, “God, I want Jimmy Carter to live on. I do. I want him to live. I want no one to taste this, especially if not from cancer. Tell me what has Jimmy Carter done that’s so great that my husband couldn’t get it?” My husband was 53 when he passed. I said, “He couldn’t get a little more time?” I could not wrap my head around that. It was just rough. That whole time, I did not sleep. It was mental chaos.

Thank you for sharing that. You mentioned a couple of things I want to circle back to. One, “I didn’t want to be here anymore.” It’s such a common feeling when people have their spouses die, but there’s a difference between feeling that way and actively trying to remove yourself from this world. Can you talk about the differences between you?

What I told God, “I’m ready, too. You can go ahead and get me, too. You can go ahead and take me, too. You can.” I would lay down. I woke up the next morning. I lay down the next night and woke up. In my mind, I knew that if I asked God enough, that after a while maybe he thought he would think, “Come on,” and I kept waking up.

I kept waking up until I figured there’s a reason I can’t tell you to wake up. I was never in the place where I wanted to buy an instrument to help me with that. I had chance after chance. I had opportunities. I was living here by myself but I wanted God to say, “You’re done. It’s enough.” When God didn’t, I thought, “Let me just seek him to ask him, why am I still here?” Outside of youth, outside of my age, it had to be another reason why I am.

Thank you. You also mentioned older people still being alive and trying to reconcile while James is not here. I don’t know a widow that didn’t think of a list of all these different people that’s still breathing, and mine is not. How do you reconcile that? Are those things you say out loud in your faith-based community? Are those things that only hide in your head that never come out? What does that look like when you’re walking down a street?

I used to say that aloud. I remember very vividly. We were at church one Sunday. I had gone back to church because I sang in the choir on the praise team. A lady got up during the worship and she said she just wanted to thank God that her mother was now in remission from cancer. Her mother was like 88 years old. I said, “Really?” I’m in worship on the second or first pew. I’m celebrating with everybody else. Praise God. I was like, “You didn’t want to do that for James?”

My pastor saw me. He called and said, “You had a moment in worship.” I said, “Yes. I asked God why so-and-so’s mama was scared, but James wasn’t. He’s not telling me. Maybe if you ask him, maybe he’ll tell you.” He said, “I know it’s rough.” I said, “You don’t because your wife is sitting right over there when you look over there. Your mom is at home. Your kids are at home. Your wife is at home. If you call her name, she’ll answer.”

Breaking the Silence On Unspoken Grief

I said, “I’m having a hard time,” then Vaughn Steps, who’s going to be with the Lord now, her husband had also passed away. She saw me in the admin building at church and she said, “I’m just trying to be more like you.” I said, “Baby, what you don’t see is I’m a mess.” She said, “Everything looks okay.” I thought, “What mask do I have on at church that people don’t know?” I thought about it. She didn’t know because my testimony was, we’re overcomers by the word of our testimony, the blood of the lamb. I said, “If that’s the case, I’m not talking,” so I started talking about it.

I started talking about how hard grief was and I started talking about my anger. I said, “The Bible is clear. You can be angry, but sin not.” I was verbally upset. I said, “I don’t want you to feel the way that I do.” She said, “I feel like you do. Not because of what you just said.” I thought how many women are walking around with this. To give permission to feel the way that you feel and understand that, give you permission to grieve the way that you want to grieve and then give you support as you go on that journey, too.

That’s why I started talking about it. As I started talking to people about it, I was ticked off by Jimmy Carter who was here and my husband’s not. I was ticked out. My mom said, “Yulonda, it’s so mean to say.” I said, “I’m not saying I want Jimmy Carter to go on. What I’m saying is that there was a reason that he’s still here. I don’t know the reason that my husband is not.” That thing bothered me. It bothered me until very recently as a matter of fact.

In our pre-conversation, you were very emphatic about pain having purpose and that being intentional. People hear that as a cliché. Making purpose out of your pain and all those Shabbat. That’s going to be good. When did you first realize that that pain may become part of your purpose?

Transforming Raw Pain Into Strategic Purpose

In September of 2015. We had been given the diagnosis that there was nothing else they could do for the cancer. I had been somewhere. I was on my way back home. I was driving in the driveway in the car and Hezekiah Walker’s gratefulness came on. This is before James has passed away. I stopped the car mid the driveway and I said, “God, what if I’m looking at this wrong? What if there’s somebody standing in the shadows watching us? What if someone is watching us to see how we get through this?”

At that moment, I still thought that God is going to heal James and is going to confuse the wise. There was something that’s going to happen that people are going to be like, “There was nobody but God.” I kept thinking, “Baby, our witness and our testimony is going to be off the hook.” In my mind, I’m thinking, “There’s a reason we’re going through this. There’s someone who’s not going to be as strong as we are. They’re going to need to know that they can make it and that God can do it.”

When it happened, all of that went out the window, but then people started calling me, telling me, “So-and-so is about to lose his wife. Can you talk to him?” I thought, “Sure.” Someone else’s daughter was sick and they’d call and be like, “Can you talk to her husband?” It was at that moment that I felt there’s something else to this. There’s something else. At that moment, I started creating businesses. James had already put together Treasured Sentiments.

It’s a storytelling business. Everybody’s life there is a story to be told. I give people permission to tell that story. You’re able to put your heart on paper with me through that company. I realized at that moment, there were some things that we had walked through that I was going to be able to help other people walk through as well. I did not realize that at that moment. I realized that there was purpose to the love that we had and the pain that I felt. The pain that I felt was so great because I loved James so greatly. I became grateful for my grief. I became grateful for the way that I felt because of realizing that love did not die, it changed forms.

I knew that there was another way to see what we had experienced. I began to think, there are things that I have gone through like the way that I see life, love, and death now. I was terrified of death, but I watched God come for James. I watched him. I watched that process being with James. The last thing James told me was, “I love you.” James’s hand literally went from my hand to the hand of Christ. Being in that room with him and holding his hand, and him sliding his hand out of my hand to reach forward. I knew that was nothing but God.

God honored my request. I asked God, “Let my face be the last face that he sees. Let my voice be the last voice that he hears because I don’t want him to think that I have ever left him at any point.” As beautiful as it was that James was my covering and in the James sickness, God allowed me to now be James covering. That thing to be able to talk to women and men about that love and how beautiful death was. It sounds weird to say, but that process of James leaving and God allowed me to be there and God gave me strength to be there because everybody is able to do that. I’m not able to sit there at that moment.

It was beautiful. Out of all of that chaotic space, what God has now done is that he’s created ways for me to help other people walk through that, live through that, whether that’s healing and wholeness or trying to put voice to your grief or for reinvention. Trying to figure out what’s next in your life. All of that was birthed out of the things we went through. In order to get to the other side of the street, we had to cross a bit of traffic. Traffic felt dangerous, but God had all of that under control.

Now, you carry the title or serving the capacity of an end-of-life doula. With someone hearing that for the first time, what is that? How has that changed your perspective of life and death?

Your pain can become a beacon for someone else walking through the dark. Share on X

An end-of-life doula is a person who helps. I try to tell people the easiest term to understand. There’s a birth doula to help you give birth. There’s an end-of-life doula that helps you to be okay with the transition of life. When you have been given the diagnosis of what it looks like if God does not intervene, I step in to help you understand what’s about to happen. I work with hospice. I work with your family.

We sit down and we talk about what could possibly happen. I sit down and talk with your doctor, if need be funeral arrangements. We do all those things to put those things in place. An end-of-life doula is to help navigate what it looks like is happening in this life. People don’t understand. I work with people whose families are, let’s say, all over the place. To work with a person who is dying, so we’ll call them the dying. I go in to talk with them if they have any questions or anything that they want to know. How they are feeling and if there is anything that they want their family to know.

I help them create legacy projects. It is my feeling that we are simply one generation away from not knowing where we’ve come from. We’re one generation away from not knowing the stories of our past. As an end-of-life doula, I come and help you put things in place for your next generation. I help you put things in place if you have not already for field arrangements, for insurance, where things are so your family won’t have a chaotic moment. Also, trying to figure out what to do and doing GoFundMes.

Those kinds of things. More important than that, I sit with the dying where they are, feeling what they feel and answer questions to what they want answered. Some of them are so terrified of death and to be able to tell them. I’ve seen it. I witnessed it. I’ve been there with my husband, my grandmother, my great grandmother and even with my dog. It sounds crazy but when people hear you with your dog, I say, “I was with my dog. I would not let them take me. I held him in my arms because I did not want him to think that I left him.” For my Nana, the same thing.

An end-of-life doula helps you navigate the end stage of your life. Whether that be with your family or with the dying themselves. There are so many people who do that alone. They don’t have people who love them or who are intentional about loving them. As an end-of-life doula, I come and sit with them and find out what they need from me then to also hear a little differently as to how I can best serve.

You’ve seen a couple of things or two and been through some traffic. For the widow or widower that’s reading, and if you can take all the things you’ve learned. What is something you wish they could learn sooner than later?

Honoring Personal Timelines For Mourning

Grief is in your own time. We do such a disservice to our friends, to our family by saying things like, “Come on, now. You got to be strong for your kid. You have to be strong.” We say crazy stuff, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” We know He doesn’t, but it’s okay. God needed an angel. Now, James is watching over here. God, if you don’t get out of my face. He’s not suffering anymore. James wouldn’t want me to be upset.

I said, “When did you all have that conversation?” Let me tell you. I took a couple of people down through the country. I love the Lord, but I promise you. A couple of times, I laid down my religion and put a blanket over to keep it warm because I felt somebody needed to be God. They need to be God, so I got them because I was so hurt. What I wish people knew is that you can take your time. There is no time.

I thought you were about to take off the earring and recall.

We were at church. I love to be in worship. Over everywhere else in the world to be, I want to be in worship. I want to be in church. I’m always there because I love it. This one time, somebody said, “You got to stop crying now because James wouldn’t want that.” I pulled her down. I hugged her. I whispered in her ear, “Get away from me. Don’t ever talk to me again. I’m so serious.” I pulled back and I hugged her. I said, “Thank you, baby. Are you crying? You don’t even like your husband.” You don’t even know what I’m going through. I can laugh about it now. I wish they knew that it’s okay to grieve and take as long as you want to. It’s okay.

It’s not done in a year. I’m not all better.

No. Don’t even put that timetable on you. Don’t put that timeframe on yourself. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t listen to your friends. Your friends will want you to be over it much sooner than you’re able. Your grief will make people uncomfortable. They will not know what to say. They will not know what to do. What they will do is say the wrong thing. Don’t blame them. Don’t blame them for it. Grieve at your own pace and whatever you need to do, do it.

For much longer than I want to admit, I would take James’ phone and I would text myself from his phone. I would answer from my phone to his phone. I did that for years. James passed away in 2016. I just turned off his phone in 2024. I was paying that bill the whole time because I could not fathom someone else having his telephone number. Those things I still have. I still have a closet with some of his clothes in it. I’ve just not gotten to the point now after many years that I can let some of that stuff go. I’m not ashamed of it. I used to be like, “You shouldn’t hold on to stuff. Other people could be using it.”

I would tell them to understand that your grief is yours. It’s not your kids’. It’s not your sisters or your brothers. People will say things like, “I remember when my auntie died.” Did you sleep with your auntie? Did you all have plans in the future together?” No. When your spouse dies, you feel that your future dies. You feel that your plans die. Now you’re trying to figure out who you are.

Reclaiming Identity Beyond The Marriage

One other thing that I did not realize that now I understand. I knew who I was as James’ fiancé, as his wife, and even as his widow but I did not know who I was as a single woman again. I did not know who I was. My pastor asked, “Would you be over the singles ministry?” I said, “I’m not single. Ask someone else.” I felt myself having to explain why I did what I did. You don’t have to. Your no is your no. It’s a complete sentence. No is no and it’s okay. You don’t feel the need to have to tell people where you are.

For a long time, that’s what I did but I did it through anger. People would call the house. I said, “He’s making a memorial. If you can go over there and he answers you, tell him I got a couple of questions I got for him, too.” Whatever you need to get through it is what you need to get through it. Your journey is your journey. Not your neighbor’s, not your sister’s, brother’s, cousin’s, auntie’s, or uncle’s. It’s yours. It’s perfectly fine.

Your story doesn't end when a chapter closes. Rebuilding identity is a courageous step forward. Share on X

If you were to scoot up to Yulonda the day that James passed, what would you tell her? Knowing you get to have kept all the memories. Everything you know and you get to whisper to Yulonda the day James passed. What would you tell her?

It’s going to be okay, and I would tell her that the things that you’ve gone through have purpose. Your purpose is not going to begin simply because James died. It’s going to become clearer because of the way that you live and the way that you love. God’s not just going to give purpose to his dying. He’s going to give purpose to your love. Knowing and understanding that healing is coming. Don’t rush it.

As you’re healing, you’ll learn how to live forward. You’ll have memories of the past and that’s wonderful because God didn’t take that. God allows you to keep all of that. Your life is not going to be better or worse. It’s simply going to be different because at that moment, I kept thinking, “What do I do tomorrow?” I would also tell her the most important thing for me that I tell people, “You have two jobs. To breathe and be.” That’s it. Whatever that looks like for you, that’s it.

I try to give my guests an opportunity to be the host. Do you have any questions you have of me?

Yes. Let me ask you. When did you have this in you to this magnitude? When did you have to do what you’re doing now?

When I knew I had this inside of me, the ability, capacity, I’m still trying to figure out like, do I? When I knew this is what I was called to do, that question I could answer. It’s been years since my late husband Mark passed. I have remarried. My current husband had a first cousin who passed. That widow posted on Facebook that it was her husband’s birthday. It was my first birthday. That blows. I’m a girl like at 9:00 PM, my eyes start going in the back of my head. I’ve been up early. By 9:00, don’t tell me something you want me to remember because I’m about to go to bed.

When I saw that post, it was late at night. She called me and I was on the phone with her until probably the next day. When I got off the phone with her, I could hear God saying, “What are you going to do when the next person calls?” I said, “What somebody is going to do is call this phone and I’m going to answer. What it’s going to be is get do not disturb.” God was like, “When the next person needs to hear is a conversation. The next person needs to know that they’re not alone.” Now, my faith in God is my own. That is my origin story itself.

The non-profit Widowhood Real Talk with Dr. Tina is a non-faith-based organization. That’s intentional because there are a lot of people that are mad with God. There are a lot of people who do not have a faith that they express. My job is not to prepare my faith forward. My job God has given me is to serve and to hold space for the brokenhearted and to be there however that looks for them. Whether it be Atheists or whatever that looks like. My job is to be here and hold space.

That holding space looks like this show that comes out on a regular basis so someone that’s dealing with grief can hear hustle to the conversation. Someone reading is going to be like, “I’ve been having my spouse’s phone on and been texting them,” and they’re going, “I’m not alone.” This is what grief looks like. This is not a neat, tightly packed five-point check option. It is through earnest, organic, intentional conversations like this that saves someone else from feeling like no one cares and no one understands how they feel.

This was birthed out of that obedience. Where God has taken this, the show is the gateway of how often people find out about Widowhood Real Talk. We have an annual widows retreat that we host in December. In 2026, we’re hosting in Virginia Beach. We just had a fundraiser where we were able to raise $5,000 to start our education fund. We’re going to start providing educational scholarships for two $500 scholarships a year starting in 2027.

This is the place where we help children who have lost one or both of their parents obtain Christmas toys through our program, the Children of Widowhood Secret Santa. This is where when someone reaches out and says that they’ve recently lost a loved one, we will send them a book titled I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye at no cost. This is where we host an annual butterfly release ceremony where we’re starting a memorial garden.

Those things have been birthed out of that one phone call and me choosing to trust God and believe God for that to happen. I wanted to have a memorial garden. Who got memorial garden money? What God will do is put in favor with two architect engineers to give us four renderings of a garden, allow me to work with someone who designated land without cost for a memorial garden and a food-producing garden. They’d give us a 3D rendering of that to set us up for success.

 

 

Now, working on fundraisers where people will be able to purchase pavers to honor their loved one and for us to provide a garden, a place of solitude and also put food producing garden. I know that’s not in me. That’s God opening doors because I chose to say yes in my own process. Being able to establish a nonprofit, hold that with the board members and having something non-faith-based because people need to be met at their point of need. Too many times, there’s a negative connotation with different faiths. When people go, “It’s not about that. It’s just you, your pain and meeting you in a secular space.” That’s enough. I hope I answered your question.

You did. It’s beautiful. I want to ask you. Thank you for your obedience because it makes a difference. Not just one story at a time, but several stories at a time because of the platform that you’re on. That’s indeed a blessing. I’m going to get a little personal now and ask you. You said that you’re married again. How did you date? If this is too personal for the show, I get it. We can talk after.

It’s called real talk because it’s real talk. Go on.

Tell me, how did that come about? How did you decide to date? How did you meet and stuff?

I decided to date. It had just been shortly over a year that my husband had passed, and I was with a friend that had been single. Let’s say she was 35 her whole life. I put a cup down. She was washing things. Every time I put something down, I was like, “She’s not used to being with nobody.” No fuss. No muss. She loved me. I love her but I identified what happens when I am no longer in a space that I’m accustomed to sharing my space with someone else. Will I ever be able to cohabitate?

How long does that take for me to be like, it’s my way or the highway or what that looks like? My late husband and I were together for 32 years. We had been married for 29. At the same time, I’m like, “How’s somebody going to roll up in this piece of life and feel like I know them well enough that we’re going to do anything talking about having a life together?” I did not know how that went. I first recognized that if I want to do that, then I probably need to do it sooner than later because I’m a creature of habit.

I was in the Army for 21 years. I’m about putting things in a particular space. I just started praying to God, like, “Where are we going with this?” There’s a real thing called widow’s fire. That is a real term. It is a real thing. I was a dusty widow. I had felt like that when Mark died, so did all of the other stuff. I was like, “Am I about to become a nun?” The last thing we did the night before he left this world was check each other out. Now, we are over here like dusty. I was like, “I don’t even know if I care anymore like that.” I’m like, “Girl, what are you going to do? What is it now? How does this work?”

She wasn’t talking and I wasn’t talking. I was like, “I don’t know how this is going to be,” but I was like, “I don’t think I’m ready for nobody to be in my face.” I did some dating online. Met a couple of people, and none of them was doing it for me. I was like, “We’re going to have to put a pause in that.” When I moved to Virginia from Pennsylvania, one of my old soldiers called me. He was like, “Ma’am, are you dating?” I was like, “No.”

This gentleman had got married and he had said he was never going to get married. I see this on social media. I’m like, “What are we doing?” He was like, “Ma’am, he’s the one.” I was like, “I remember what you were telling me.” He’s like, “Ma’am, I am not that dude no more,” then he got up in my business. He’s like, “Are you dating? What are you doing? I see you working out. You can’t be holding that all down and not let somebody have a part of it.”

I was like, “Sir, we’re done here. I’m going to need you to get off my phone.” It was in the back of my head. You do work out. You are trying to hold it down. What are you going to do? I was like, “Still, she is dusty. She is not talking.” I’m like, “What are we doing?” I can’t remember which birthday it was, but it was my birthday. Someone had given me a gift card for $25 or $50. Sometime a couple of days ago, he talked to me about that, “I got this gift card.” I said, “I’m going to try this whole thing one more time.”

I got on this dating app called Zoosk. If anybody here, we would like to have a paid relationship with Zoosk because I have an amazing story that would make them well. Only saying. I get on Zoosk. I found this thing. You take a quiz, and then it tells you, based on what your expectations are, that’s the dating app you’re supposed to go on. I don’t know where that quiz is. Don’t ask me. Many people have. It was 2:00 in the morning because you don’t sleep when you’re grieving.

I fill out the quiz. It says go to Zoosk. I go to Zoosk. I filled out the thing, and I put in the little $50 for the gift card because that’s all they were getting. They’re not getting 44 weeks or whatever you got with that gift card got you. That was it. I talked to this one guy we met for dinner. I am 5’9”. I was very clear, you need to be 6-foot to be on this ride because I now wear heels. I was the same height as my late husband, and I’m not going back. The shoe game is strong.

The guy I met, I’m like, “I can’t be looking you eyeball to eyeball. I know you shrink and stuff, but you had to have been measured somewhere to the doctor’s appointment or something.” We do that. The next person that I started talking with, Mr. Chapter Two. We’re texting, and I have learned at this point, I don’t want to know if you are a Nigerian Prince. I need to know that I can see you. We’re going to be in the same space. I had gone a long distance. I need to see you within a certain amount of time. We had been talking for a couple of days.

I looked at this picture, and I was like, “Let’s meet for coffee. Let me be clear. This is not a booty call. We are meeting in a public place. I just want to see because one thing I need is chemistry. I want to feel tingly when I see you for eternity. I want to at least feel that. We met. I said, “We are meeting for coffee because at this point, if I talk to you for three days, we are meeting in person. You never wanted to meet somebody and do something. We are not doing what I have zero tolerance for. I bring in my keys, and I bring in cash. You are not going to worry about no credit card. Nothing. My car is within distance that I can make the lawn go off if you start tripping. We’re going to be doing all the things.”

I walked into that coffee, and he looked just like he looks on his profile, which was 6-feet tall, and she started talking. He posted a picture about being in the gym. I was like, “Let me see if that was a recent picture because I’m a hugger.” He felt like he had been in the gym, and I was like, “Girl, no.” Now, she has been quiet for years, and now she is going to be talking to my mom. I was like, “I don’t need to be getting confused now. You are not part of this decision process,” but she was hollering at me.

I was like okay. We sat in that coffee shop and probably talked for 2 or 3 hours. Eight years later, we don’t know what we talked about that day at all. We had coffee, then we decided to meet up another day a couple of days later. This becomes like what are you looking for and what are you looking for conversation, because I’m 50-plus. I’m not out here playing games. I am dating to get married. Everybody has to figure out what their date negotiation skills are. To me, it’s like looking for a house.

You know if you need a two-car garage or one car. You know what your budget is, how many stories you have, and what needs to be in the right community. I looked at dating like this is a 2-3 part panel interview if you get this. You would want to do the work. That’s how I saw myself because I had been a good wife. I know I’m an amazing wife. If you so happen to be the one that God allows to have favor that we will have this, you are going to be happy. I should be happy too.

I passed the part about, “We can make something.” It’s not a match next. We’re not spending days in time. We already realized time is short. I have no time to be making a Build-A-Bear project. If you didn’t come and we were a match, I wish you well and prosper and with all that you’re trying to do, but it’s not happening with me. No shade. It’s just, we’re not a match. I was quick to be like, “No, no, yes,” but she was glad to say yes.

We’re out to eat and he was like, “What are you looking for?” I said, “Let me be very clear. We are not doing that because I know when you start doing that, you don’t pay attention to what’s important.” In my head, I’m going, “I know you’re screaming, but you’re not part of this because you’re going to lead me down a world of debauchery. I’m never going to know what’s going on.” He was like, “I figured that, because you had been married.”

He wasn’t scared, and then he said, “I wanted to be with somebody that wanted to focus on getting it up.” I was like, “He’s saying the right thing. Let’s see how this goes.” I said, “I need somebody that’s willing to be a good communicator.” He said, “Explain that.” I said, “If I ask you a question and if I knew more, I would have asked you more, then just give me all of it without me playing these 30 question things because we’re 50 plus. There’s a lot to learn about somebody if you’re not kicking the boots and trying to find out what’s going on.” I have so many questions because by the grace of God, I’ve worked a good job.

I retired from the military. As you said before you met James, you already had your stuff and stuff. I’m not looking for somebody to hold me down. I’m not looking for somebody to take care of me. What I’m looking for to see if God has sent you to be my match to live life together with. I need to know what that looks like. That man would wake up every day with three to seven questions. He’d be like, “I don’t have my coffee yet but let me answer these questions.” He did not fail.

That probably was like the longest three to four years of his life. We would have check-ins like, “Are we working towards marriage or what are we doing?” He was just, “I love you, but she can’t be running things.” We need to know because I’m not wasting my time. I remember my son telling me, “Mom, you’re going to be hard to date.” I was like, I’m, but I’m worth it. Your daddy was happy. You saw your daddy up at church being an usher smiling. Who do you think put that smile on his face every morning before he went to church? That’s because your mama handled her business. Your daddy was up there like, “Good morning.”

I love that so much. I have decided that I want to date.

Let me tell you one more thing. I had no idea how we were going to go from being with my late husband, dating, married, total of 32 years, and Mr. Somebody about to come in and I feel comfortable with you. How did it work? That was only God. Tell me why my chapter two husband’s middle name is my late husband’s first name. She was hollering, but the level of comfort and just from that very first conversation felt like he felt like home. He felt safe. He felt like, how have I just known him?

I was like, “You’re hollering too much.” I didn’t know him forever, but that chemistry when I saw him and literally eight years later, I still have lingering. I had no idea how that could even be possible, but I know that it’s true. It is possible. I do know if people say, “I’m never going to find anybody like my late husband.” You’re not because they did. Let’s be clear. I’m not going to find another Mark. I’m not looking for Mark. I was looking for the man that could live life with this version of Tina that had been through a profound loss and been through different things.

I need you to be a grown person that’s never going to be jealous about Mark. I will always love Mark Formwall. I carry my late husband’s last name. Fred is not bothered because when I asked him, “What do you think about me changing my last name?” His response was, “Your children would not have a parent in this world with the same last name.” I was like, “See, girl? You were right.”

I’m so glad to ask you that question because I wanted to know that. I always think about my last name. Even though he and I don’t share children, I always think, how does that work? My burial plot is right next to his. It has my name on it already. That was important to find out because I am ready. I am ready to date. I agree with you. At this big age, I don’t have time. If I do date, I’m dating to get married. I’m not dating just for us to kick it, because I’m too old to be somebody’s eternal girlfriend. I’m not going to do that.

I do understand there are some people economically, they’re waiting for certain age brackets or things to change, just controlling their ability to do that. I thank God that was not my story. Before I met my late husband, I worked afterwards. I’ve had my own career. I thank God for opening those doors and making that part of my restriction. There are some people that are a thing, and that’s a lot to wrestle with, having to choose between those things.

I didn’t know that age thing until I started doing research. I wrote an eBook called A Wise Widow: Seven Decisions After You Lose Your Spouse. I put that in there. There are so many things. I did not know that ten was a magic number. I’m grateful. I’m grateful that James and I have been married for ten years. If he’d been married for seven, things may have been different financially.

Concerning his social security number and his pension, a couple of those things may have been different. I’m at the stage in my life now where I want to do more. I see my life with more, not better, but more. I don’t see it with a better love, but with more love. Now I’m ready. I didn’t think I’d be there, but when you talked about you being married again, my eyes lit up. Thank you for answering that.

You’re welcome. Any other questions?

I think that’s it. I love going and reading your story. Reading what you’re doing and going to your website and taking a look around. I have been introducing people to you and to your site because it’s amazing. People don’t know what they don’t know. When you start introducing them to different things that can help them, it’s amazing. Thank you for doing what you’re doing.

You’re welcome. My final question for the widow, the widower reading. We talked a lot. What would you like to share with them and to wrap up this conversation?

I would tell them that there are so many things, regardless of what your faith is. The time that you had with your spouse, be grateful for that time. That time was beautiful and it was a chapter in a book, but your story has not ended because they’re gone. That chapter was closed and it was a beautiful chapter, but it’s not the end of your story. It took me a while to figure that out, but now that I know that was a beautiful chapter and that’s taking me somewhere, yours will too. Keep going. Grief is not the end for you.

Yulonda, thank you. You have a beautiful story. I know you work hard to allow other people to share their story. I thank you for being so transparent. They’re probably going to be like, “I didn’t know that about Dr. Tina,” but thank you. Thank you for quietly sharing how purposeful can come in where grief is and that life does continue to allow us to rebuild. If we choose to allow it, if we choose to lean into it, I thank you for sharing that with this community. I thank you for being here.

You are more than welcome. Thank you for having me. It has been a blast. Thank you for this.

You’re welcome.

 

Important Links

• Yulonda Hill
• Yulonda Hill on LinkedIn
• Yulonda Hill on Instagram
• Treasured Sentiments
• Children of Widowhood | Secret Santa
• I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye
• A Wise Widow
• Rejection as a Gift: When No Becomes Your Protection

 

About Yulonda Hill

Yulonda Hurst Hill is a speaker, author, storyteller, life coach, voice artist, and founder of Treasured Sentiments LLC, where she helps individuals and organizations navigate life’s most meaningful transitions through words, wisdom, and story.

After retiring from a 33-year leadership career with GEICO, Yulonda dedicated her life to helping others heal, grow, and rediscover purpose. Her work blends storytelling, coaching, faith, communication, and legacy preservation into meaningful experiences that encourage people to live fully in every season of life.

As a voice artist and creator of The Soul Tone Sanctuary, Yulonda uses the power of the spoken word to create immersive experiences of peace, healing, hope, and emotional restoration. Through guided reflections, meditations, affirmations, and inspirational storytelling, she invites listeners to pause, breathe, reconnect with God, and rediscover the strength within.

She also serves as Director of The Widowed Well, a community devoted to supporting widows as they navigate grief, healing, identity, and the journey of building a meaningful life after loss.

Through her signature storytelling experience, The Stories That Shape Us, Yulonda helps individuals, families, churches, and organizations preserve the moments, memories, and life lessons that might otherwise be forgotten. She believes every person has a story worth telling and that every family is one generation away from losing its history unless someone intentionally preserves it.

Yulonda is also the creator of two digital resources — The Wise Widow: The First 7 Decisions After Loss, the foundation for a widow’s community she is currently building, and Rejection as a Gift: When No Becomes Your Protection — both designed to help readers navigate grief, disappointment, reinvention, and life’s unexpected transitions with faith and wisdom.

Whether speaking from a stage, coaching individuals, recording meditations, writing legacy stories, or leading transformational conversations, Yulonda’s mission is simple: To help people heal, remember, rediscover their voice, preserve their stories, and live fully in every season of life.