Today’s episode delves into the love, heartache, and resilience of a phenomenal woman who defied the odds. Tomice Scott, a Mental Health Counselor, faces challenges like teen pregnancy, relationship instability, and societal pressures, yet she perseveres and achieves her goals of getting an education and becoming a successful mother. She leads us into the pages of her life as she navigates the journey of being a widow while discovering her new self as a young, purposeful widow. Tomice built a community for young widows through Purposeful Widow to provide the support system young widows needed as they traverse into the new phase of their lives. She also shares tips to navigate the complex emotions of dating after losing a spouse. Tomice’s journey is a testament to the power of the human spirit. Join us as she shares her experience and offers hope and inspiration to anyone facing loss.
I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.
Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide
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The Young Purposeful Widow: Navigating The Journey Of Being A Widow While Discovering Her New Life With Tomice Scott
Tomice Scott, welcome to the show. When you hear welcome to the widowhood, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind?
When I hear that, it’s something that I’m still getting used to, but it is something that I am starting to embrace and taking it by stride, not looking at it in necessarily a negative aspect, but more in a way of to shed light on others.
When somebody’s looking at you or when you look at yourself and you think of what a widow is and then you see yourself, I know people are going, “Tina, you say a widowhood, like she’s part of the widowhood.” That means you are a widow.
You’re right, Miss Tina. I never in a million years would have expected to be a widow at the age of 37. As a matter of fact, when I heard the word widow, I was always thinking, “That’s somebody that’s 60, 70, 80 years old.” I never would have imagined holding that title at the age of 37. It is definitely something that I never would have imagined. It’s true. I am a 37-year-old widow.
Thank you. The other thing to consider is that you have actually accomplished a life goal. We take these vows and we sometimes easily go through some of the things we say, and not everyone’s vows say this, but it’s very common until death do us part. Even though it’s painful, it is difficult to know that we ended our relationship in the most organic way versus a divorce or a separation. There is some honor to that and we try to find that glimmer of hope in this painful experience.
Yes, you are absolutely right. I had an issue where I was constantly. When you go through losing a spouse, you oftentimes focus on the fact of the loss. The thing about it was you’re absolutely right. I had a good 4 years married to my husband, but I’ve been with him since I was sixteen years old. We have two kids together. I tend to cherish all of the memories that we had. I’m glad that I’m with him. You’re right. Unfortunately, it ended in the other D word, death versus divorce, but times that I look back and I actually got a chance to experience love. I got a chance to experience being a wife and raising our kids together. It’s those memories that shed a little light on becoming a young widow.
Thank you. Let’s talk about that sixteen year old and who is this gentleman that you met and how did this all start?
Tomice’s Beautiful Love Story
I have such a beautiful love story. I thoroughly enjoy telling it. I met my husband through a mutual friend in high school. My husband’s name was Shasta Scott. He was a basketball player, a very great basketball player for high school. Basically, his best friend was dating my best friend. His best friend said “There’s this guy. I think you guys will hit it off very well. He loves basketball, but I think you could be the one that could come into his life. I think you would be a good match.” At first, I was like, “No, I’m focusing on my studies. I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m about to graduate.”
She said, “No.”
I said, “No.” I’m not trying to have any type of relationship. I want to get through high school and go to college, and then I’ll think about a relationship. We ended up exchanging numbers. At that time, neither one of us had a driver’s license. I called us phone pals because all we did was talk on the phone. We couldn’t see each other, but our connection was strong. We had a very great connection. As time went on, I eventually got my driver’s license. You can say we were on a blind date because I had never seen him in person.
When you said sixteen, I envisioned video chatting. I envisioned being on the phone and seeing each other. Numbers were exchanged. No one saw each other.
Also, we had those little, I don’t know if anybody remembers those Nokia phones where you can text as long as you got minutes on there, but as soon as those minutes run out, you got to go reload. That is where we were. There were no iPhones then. Believe it or not, iPhones had not come out yet. We were strictly communicating, texting and talking to each other throughout the day. I got my driver’s license and a car, so I said, “I’m going to go meet this man. I got to see him.” We’ve been doing all this talking because we had been talking for about a good 6, 7 months. I was like, “I’ve got to meet him.”
That’s a long time.
A very long time. He was playing football at the time and my parents finally gave me permission to drive to go and see him. He stayed about 30 minutes from me. I went and was nervous and anxious because I was like, “Lord, what if I meet him and he’s not what I think he looks like.” All of those jitters and nerves. When we first laid eyes on each other, it was like love at first sight. It was beautiful. We instantly hit it off. From there, we were inseparable.
I take it that he went to a different high school than you because when you first said exchange numbers, I thought you guys were in proximity, like he knew somebody from a different high school in a different area altogether.
Two different high schools. He was in a little small country town, I like to call it. How did I even cross paths with your best friend to get to know, but I didn’t know you, but we did. We started our life together. We did break up during my senior year and I thought that was it. That was my first love, my first heartbreak. I was like, “I’m done. I’m going to focus on school.” Ironically, he ended up moving a little bit further away.
I ended up attending Georgia Southern University in college in Statesboro, Georgia, and he wrote a letter to my mom asking if she could give it to me because he wanted to apologize for us breaking up and wanted to see if we could try to rekindle and get back together because I was the love of his life. He made me a little CD that had all of our favorite love songs on it. Of course, he won me back over.
What happened to the best friend in the num dating? Did they get together?
No. They ended up breaking up as well. Afterwards, she ended up going off to another school and he moved on to someone else. They ended up going their separate ways, but I’m still close with him to this day. He’s still my brother.
What’s your husband’s name again?
Shasta, like the soda. Shasta, like Shasta Cola.
Shasta Scott, though. You went away to Southern Georgia, Southern University. What did he do after high school?
After high school, he took a break. He decided that he didn’t know what he wanted to do. As I said, he was very big on basketball, which about midway through my semester in college, he ended up getting a basketball scholarship to go play at a college called Iowa Western. I freaked out because that meant long distance. In the midst of our long-distance discovery, I found out I was pregnant with our son, Amor. That was frightening for me. Of course, my mother thought that it would be best for me to come back home to my hometown, Macon, Georgia, to finish school because she said, “I don’t see you raising a baby by yourself up there without any support.” I ended up going back home and finishing my studies, and he ended up going to Iowa, and then again, we broke up again.
I was going to say there had to be even some underlying tension thinking that we’re dating, pregnant and now you go further away. I could imagine there would be a lot of underlying tension from the idea that you’re now a child and he moves further away, but it’s not because of the baby. You can only think that it is because of the baby, no matter what anything he said. It’s like, “You could have gotten a scholarship someplace else.” I’m sure emotions were heightened.
The Power Of Faith
It was one of those things that I didn’t want to leave school. I had made some of the best friends ever. I was starting to get into the swing of being a college student. I felt like I had to put my dreams on hold to allow him to go and do whatever he wanted to do. It was definitely a hurtful situation. I definitely used to get mad because it was like, yes, I did go back to school, but it was not the school of choice that I wanted. That made a difference in our relationship.
That’s why we broke up because I felt like, “You were enjoying your college life. You got your college friends, you’re the star of the basketball team, you’re going out partying.” Meanwhile, I am busting my butt, tired, in a very tedious program, an education program at that, because I was going to be an educator at that time, trying to manage to be a new mom, trying to manage going to school and working. I’m not enjoying life. I cannot have any fun because I’m a full-time mom now. There was definitely some tension between us when he was there.
I can see that, Tomice. If someone doesn’t read this show and they find themselves being a young single mother in school and struggling, what would you tell them?
Don’t give up. That is something that I have tried to encourage, whether a widow, not a widow, young woman, single, however you want to put it. I’ve tried to encourage people that it definitely can be done. One of the things that got me through school with a child was my best friend. Having that support system helps out a lot. My best friend, my mom, and I had a couple of other family members who were like, “Just because you’ve had your child at a young age, don’t let that stop you from getting your education. You can do it.”
Don't give up. Having that support system helps out a lot. Share on XNow, is it going to be tough? Absolutely. Will it be worth it? Absolutely. I tell anybody, I have gone all the way up to getting my two Master’s degrees with two kids. I’ve been able to do it, but it’s all because of me believing in myself and having that support system when times get hard and you want to give up, having that person like, “You got this, you can do this.” I’m a living witness. It definitely can be done.
You mentioned something about believing in yourself. Sometimes, when we hit adversity, people may attach shame to decisions or things that are done. How did you persevere in continuing to believe in yourself and not to feel shame or feel like what the naysayers or people are whispering and doing?
I’m so glad you said that. I grew up in a Baptist church where, of course, in the church, it’s said that you’re not supposed to have a child out of wedlock. You’re supposed to be married and have a husband. Everybody knew I was into the church, deep into the church. Getting pregnant at the age of eighteen, it was an embarrassment to me. I felt like I had let my community down.
I had let my family down and I had let myself down, but I had to realize that we all mess up in life. Nobody’s perfect. I believe we have a God that forgives and no matter what you do, he’s there to give you grace. I got that mindset that my child was not a mistake. To me, I felt like it was purpose because I feel like it’s because of him, I motivated me because I knew the type of life I wanted to live. I knew the type of life I wanted to have for him.
Nobody's perfect. God forgives you no matter what you do. Share on XWith me having him, I knew who I was. I knew that, yes, I had a child out of wedlock. However, that does not define me. That doesn’t define who I am. I kept that mindset and that was a decision that I made, but guess what? At the end of the day, there’s something bigger for me on the other side. I’m going to push through because I believe that my story is going to be able to help somebody else. That is what stayed in the forefront of my mind and dealing with any type of shame and guilt, that no matter what, I was going to make it.
Two other questions along that line. To someone who is this church-going person and is judging someone on their mistakes, what would you say to them?
I would say, and this is something that I always tell anybody, our goal, especially as Christians, is to get people to come to church, to get people to believe in God. You cannot expect to open that door. Our job as Christians is to be that light to help others come to Christ so that they can get that abundance of grace that we have and that joy. How are you going to have that door open saying, “Come in. He does not judge you. He loves you,” but you’re not living Christ’s life? You’re putting your name on somebody. You are shaming somebody.
My thing with that is that you do your part because we are all sinful. We have all sinned. Nobody is perfect. As God says, “A cusser is the same thing as a murderer in his eyes.” You cannot say you want to help somebody, but then you curse them at the same time. Now, if you are here to help, try to guide them in the right direction, that’s something totally different. Nobody’s perfect. Just be there as a help, but don’t be there as a burden.
One last question on this particular topic. You mentioned going to church and knowing God. Is there a difference between having a relationship with God or going to church, or do you have to do both? What does that look like for you?
I was brought up on the principle because a lot of people feel like they have to go to church in order to have a relationship with God. You can have a relationship with God anywhere. You can have a relationship in your home with God. Church is the community. It’s the family. I think it’s what brings everything all together: that you’re in fellowship with others who believe the same thing that you believe, but church starts with you.
Your relationship with God is what he’s seeking. He’s not seeking to see that you are there every single Sunday, sitting in the fifth pew, saying amen. He’s looking to see what your connection with him is. Do you trust him? Do you have faith in him? Are you seeking to grow with him and learn his principles? That is what the church is. I’ve heard people say, “If I can get my life right, I can come to God.”
No, he says, “Come as you are.” If you are on drugs or if you have done adultery or whatever, he has open arms. He wants you to come. He wants you to get saved. He wants you to believe in him. Don’t feel like you have to go to church every single Sunday. I think that’s amazing if you do, but church is just a place. Your body, your relationship with God is where it all starts.
The On-And-Off Relationship
You’re eighteen, you have your son and you guys break up again. Whose decision was this breakup?
He told me and my husband was a very honest man. He said, “Babe, I’m going to be honest with you. I love you too much to be up here with these other girls, which is the temptation to cheat on you. I would rather us be friends and raise our son than go out here and cheat on you and do something that I regret.” Talking about something that broke my heart again. It was weird because I respected him for telling me that but at the same time, it was like, “You came and chased me back down. If you weren’t ready, why did you come after me? I was okay at Georgia Southern by myself. You wanted me back and this is what you do to me?” That is when depression set in for me.
It was a dark part of my life because I always grew up with the mentality that I didn’t want to be a single mom. I want to raise my kids in a two-household, with mom and dad together, because I have seen that for a period of time in my life. My parents ended up getting a divorce later on as I got older, but for the majority of my life, I was in a two-parent home. I had to swallow that pill and face the fact that I may have to raise him by myself or I may have to raise him where me and Shasta will not be together.
You add that on top of I’ve been taken away from a school that I love. Back home, I cannot have any fun. Partying, who? I didn’t step foot in a party. I worked long hours. My program is tedious. I have a son that I need to take care of. Now, the love of my life is telling me he would rather us separate so that he doesn’t cheat on me. That broke me. It broke me to the point where I was like I quit. I was giving up. That was a very dark part of my life.
Thank you for being so transparent. People often use words like dark or depression, but what did that look like? How would you describe it? What were some moments you remember in that?
I remember there were times when I would wake up, I was lifeless. I had no drive, no aspiration. My self-esteem was at its all-time low. I didn’t think I was pretty. I didn’t think I was worthy. I actually felt like it was my fault that I had a kid. I don’t know, it’s punishment for me. I would talk to my friends, but then I would distance myself. I felt alone. All of those things that I had before, the shame, the embarrassment, all of that kept surfacing. I was in a bad place. I was in a place where I lost myself. I had no idea who I was and my drive and my goal for school, it was diminishing. At this point, I was doing it because I needed to do it, but my passion, my drive, all of that had left.
What was the turning point to regain yourself?
As a matter of fact, it was so funny because my best friend’s uncle was my pastor. Her name is Brittany. She stayed with me and she said, “No, ma’am. We are in this program together. I’m going to help you. I got your back. This should be even more motivation for you. If Shasta decides not to come and step up and be a dad, you have to be able to settle your own two feet. You know the life that you want to live. You’ve told me your goals. We’re going to tackle this out together.”
She came for you.
She still does to this day. It’s like she took me and was like, “You got to live for you. You’ve got to push yourself. You start this program and we’re going to finish this program together. I’m going to be there to help you with the more, but you’re going to get this done.” It was at that moment, I was like, “You’re right. I’m doing this for me. I’m not doing this for Shasta.” A piece of me was doing it for my son because I wanted him to have a better life. This is something a goal that I set even before I had kids. I am going to tackle this one by one, the late nights, the whatever I got to do, I’m going to do it.” That is when I put that thing in gear. It was like, I want to be a college graduate. That’s what I did.
You should live for you. You've got to push yourself. Share on XWhat do you remember of that day of graduating from college?
I was so overwhelmed. Honestly, going through all of that and then having a couple of bumps in the road. I ended up actually failing a math class right before time to graduate in May. Talking about another thing does not go right. My best friend, Brittany, still graduated in May. Having not been able to walk with her after we had worked together for so long was another turning point, but I went back, took the class, passed it, and was able to walk in December.
Just having that moment of walking across the stage and my baby is in the audience and my mom and my dad, they’re there. Mind you, I was the first college graduate. My dad went into the military and was in the army, and my mom decided she wanted to work to start her career. I was the first college graduate in my family. Knowing that I did that and I did that with a baby, there were tears of joy. It motivated me so much that I went back again a couple of years later.
What are your degrees in?
I have a Bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood Special Education. I have a Master’s degree in mental Health Counseling, and I recently had an add-on certification in School Counseling.
You graduated. Where does life go from there?
I get my Bachelor’s degree and I immediately go into the workforce. I became a teacher with my specialty in special education. I taught pre-K. I got a chance to work with the babies at the age of four. It was a little tough, having to deal with four-year-olds all day.
They can be cute and they can be gremlins.
I had 22 of them.
You don’t know what you’re getting some days.
I’ll tell you and then mind you, some of these babies are coming. They’re not diagnosed with anything and it’s a lot. It was very tedious but very rewarding at the same time. I did that for a couple of years. I taught in a pre-K class until I eventually got asked to take over the special ed pre-K program, which is another ballpark. That’s another whole entity of it, but I thrived. It was one of those moments where I was like, “This was all worth it.” It was double good for me because my son was not in school yet, but I knew what he was going to have to know. I’m going to go ahead and prepare him, get him ready because when he gets to pre-K, he’s going to be at the top of the class. I already know he is.
You already leaned in. You had the scoop.
I was like, “This is going to be perfect for him. He’s going to be smart. I’m going to have him down-packing.” It was a very rewarding career. Very good. At this time, me and Shasta had rekindled. We had rekindled again and he was trying to figure out life because he was done with school. He had a whole idea of, “I want to go play pro ball overseas.” I was like, “You got to leave me again, come on.”
I was about to say, did you say, “What? Long distance again?”
At this time, now I’m pregnant with our daughter. I’m in school getting my Master’s degree.
Now you say rekindle, let’s back up a little bit. How did that happen?
He actually ended up moving back to Georgia. He ended up going to school at Clayton State University. At that particular time, when he moved back, he actually moved back with his then-girlfriend. Now I’m having to learn how to co-parent per se with him having a significant other, which was very tough, but we co-parented pretty well together because I told him, “Look, this is it. This is how we’re going to do it. Make sure who you have got around our child. Make sure she’s good because I’m that mama. I’m Mama Bear. Don’t make mama bear come out with my baby.”
I think because we were so close and Shasta was always about he wanted his family together. He would do stuff like he would talk to my best friend, Brittany, and have her call me because I was like, “No, I’m done. We have tried it out. No, I don’t want this anymore.” He would talk to his best friend, who introduced us. I got to a point where it’s like, “I do want my family and we’ve grown up. We’ve matured some. Why not give it another try?”
He wore you down.
He did. He wore me down. He always does that. He knew it, too. He knew he could always say the right words, “Baby, we’re going to go to counseling together. We’re going to do this. We’re going to do that.” Over and all, we made it work. We got back together.
How old were you when you guys got back together this time?
When we got back together, I was in my mid-twenties. I would love to say that the breakups ended there, but it did not. I’m telling you this story. It truly was a roller coaster. We broke up again. We got engaged because mind you, at this time, we’re dating. We have two kids. We’ve been together since we were sixteen, we’re in our mid-twenties. I’m like, “Look, I want to be a wife. I want us to do it right. We’re together. I want us to become one.” With that, I applied the pressure a little bit. I gave him an ultimatum, which ladies, please don’t do that to a guy. Please don’t give a guy an ultimatum.
Why do you say that?
I then moved to another school. We were getting ready. He had moved into another apartment because he had gotten a job working up in Atlanta, and the commute from Macon to where he was working was about 1 hour and 45 minutes every day, but we had gotten engaged. He actually had got my best friend and a couple of my other friends. I was throwing him a birthday party. He had got it connected when he was proposing to me at his birthday party.
My family was there, he proposed to me, and it was a beautiful thing. I said, “Yes.” I cried like a baby. It’s on YouTube somewhere. The whole video is on YouTube somewhere, but I felt like we were ready. I thought he was ready, but then, about two weeks before our wedding date, he got cold feet. In a text message, he said that he didn’t feel like he was ready to be a husband mentally or financially. He was not where he needed to be and he felt like we should call the wedding off and give it more time.
What were you thinking at this moment? What do you recall?
I remember saying, “I hate you. I’m done. You wasted my time. You keep playing with my feelings.” I was like, “This is it for me.” I didn’t even reply back to the message. I was on my way to work. I had dropped our daughter off at daycare, and I was on my way to work, so I got that text. It was so bad. My anxiety and depression setting was so bad that my principal was like, “Go home. You’re not mentally here today to be with these kids. Just go home.” At that time, we had moved a little bit closer to Atlanta, but I was still working South of that. I remember going home and I told my mom. I was like, “Mom, I need to come back and live with you. I cannot keep doing this mentally.”
You were living together, weren’t you?
We were living together. We had got our apartment together.
He woke up and saw you that day and then texted you afterwards.
No. He’s worked overnight. When I was headed to work, he would be coming home, but we never crossed paths. I don’t know what it was. He had started acting a little strange leading up to that. I knew it was something like he was quiet or on the days that he was off, he was always gone. He wouldn’t be at home. I used to be like, “You don’t hardly see me as it is. Why are you not at the house?” When he did that, that was it for me. I cannot keep going through this roller coaster at all. I cannot keep doing it.
Is this the 3rd or 4th breakup at this point?
It’s about the fourth one. I was like, “I cannot keep doing this. You’re playing with my feelings and my emotions.” We called it off. I moved back in with my mom, moved all of my stuff back to my mom’s house, and then tried to push through with that. It was another dark moment, very difficult, but now I have two kids at this time and trying to juggle the fact that I may not ever be a wife. This man may not ever marry me. You start blaming yourself like, “What is it about me? What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he see that I’m a lovely wife? I’m supporting him. I’m working. Why doesn’t he see the good in me?”
It was then that I had a self-discovery. I had to start realizing that it’s not a me problem. I’m content with me. It’s most likely something that he’s dealing with. He has to deal with that on his own. I would want him to deal with that on his own before I became his wife. That’s how that happened. We separated. We still co-parented and he tried to come back a couple of times. I was like, “No.” I told him, I said, “If you want your family, we’re going to have to do counseling.” He did.
A couple of questions. For a woman who has been broken up with the same guy over and over, what would you say to her?
I would tell her to definitely listen to what they’re saying because Shasta was telling me a whole lot. He was telling me multiple times that he wasn’t ready. Oftentimes, when we’re so in love with somebody, we love the potential. We love what we do: “He’s saying he’s not ready now, but if I love him a little harder, push him, or show him that I can be a good wife, it’ll change.” The thing is, sometimes it doesn’t. Oftentimes guys deal with trauma and deal with different issues way differently than women do. They handle things differently.
I know for Shasta, one of the main things was that he felt like he couldn’t be the provider because he was lost. He was trying to find him in the midst of all this. Basketball wasn’t flowing correctly. Money wasn’t coming in how he wanted it to. In his eyes, he felt like he was less of a man because the man was supposed to be the provider. I would definitely say to listen to what they’re saying and listen to yourself because there were times in my mind when I knew he was not ready to get married.
It was a thing that I was so caught up in because everybody kept saying, “When is that boy going to marry you? You need to get married. You are up here shacking. You are up here playing wife.” That got into my ear, listening to what everybody else was saying. I tried to force it into him, which ended up backfiring on me.
Oftentimes, people of color have to put on this strong facade and they’re not always able to say, “I’m having a mental crisis or a mental breakdown.” What in your life allowed you to have the space to do that and feel comfortable expressing that’s how you felt instead of a facade?
I’ve always been the type of person who if I’m feeling some type of way, is going to get it out because I discovered as a child that holding stuff in was only causing more hurt to me. I learned that as a child. It’s best for you to get out your feelings rather than hold them in. I started venting. I started talking to people.
The one thing that I messed up in, and sometimes I still do mess up in, is that when I’m venting, I’m looking for validation from somebody else. I’m looking for somebody either to side with what I’m saying or what I’m feeling or validate my feelings. If it’s your feelings, you don’t need validation. I’m getting it out, talking to someone. I, too, have a main thing. I got my own counselor. At first, I even thought that that was like, “I’m a therapist. I’m a counselor. I don’t need any counseling. I’m all right. I can handle my own problems.” Everybody needs somebody they can talk to. I’m a big advocate for getting counseling.
I know for the African-American community, that is something that, even as a child, you would hear, “What happens in his family stays in his family. Nothing wrong with him. Nothing wrong with her.” That was a stereotype and it still is a stereotype. If you getting a counselor, you are crazy. No, not at all. I think if you had not met for my counselor, Lord knows, in prayer, I would not be to the point that I am now. Definitely, find you somebody you can talk to, somebody you feel comfortable with because everybody’s not for you. You cannot vent to everybody. You’ve got to vent to somebody who has your best interest at heart and is there to help you get through those tough times.
You can't vent to everybody. Visit somebody who has your best interests at heart and help you get through those tough times. Share on XYou moved back home and you go through all this. Where do you go from there?
I moved back home. I’m still trying to find myself now because I am totally lost on what are my next steps. I ended up moving to another county, which I’m currently at now. I pushed through. I was like, “At the end of the day, I’ve got to show it to my kids.” I’ve got two kids, my son’s getting older, my daughter’s getting older, and they’re looking at me. They’re depending on me to help them navigate this life. I dug deep into my studies. I made sure that I was involved in their school life.
Shasta would still come. I would make sure that he still had that opportunity to see the kids because that was a thing for me, no matter what, you and I are going through it. At the end of the day, those are still your kids. I’m not going to take your right as a father and being able to be involved because I’m not bitter. I’m hurt, but those kids had nothing to do with the decisions that we made.
I want you to speak to the person who is holding the children back because they are bitter.
You have to let that go. With me working in the education system, now as a school counselor, there are so many kids that come in, because kids are very smart. From the age of four all the way up until they graduate, kids can pick up on things. When you are holding kids, to me, it feels like a hostage because you’re upset with what you and your significant other went through. You are doing more damage to those kids than anything. You are hurting them.
I know that there are some mothers that have made some bad decisions. I know there are some fathers out there who have made some bad decisions, but kids need to be able to see their parents. I know there are some situations where there are violence or abuse and I get that. If you are holding a kid back because you guys split up and he decided to move on with his life or she decides to move on with her life, you got to let that go. I’m telling you, these babies are suffering and all you are doing is creating a generational pattern.
What they see is what they’re going to do. I say, “Whatever you need to do, sit down as a family and have that conversation. You can still set boundaries as far as when he or she can see, but don’t hold those babies hostage. At the end of the day, it took a mother and a father to make them, and they needed to be able to be with both of them.”
Thank you so much. You’re back at your mom’s, and you’re getting through this rough period. How did you come out of this one?
Something kicked up in me. I don’t know if it was that extra prayer I was saying every night or my kids, but I got this thing in my head that, “At the end of the day, I’m still a mom. I’ve still got to take care of these kids. I’m going to continue on my journey.” I set a goal for myself. I said that I wanted to accomplish these things. I said I wanted to make sure I gave my kids the finer things in life, and that’s what I was going to do. When I tell you I attacked it, that was the start of my becoming year. I excelled so much. I made new friends at my new school.
I got involved and pushed myself. I refused to sit at home and cry because, at this point, those tears have turned into power for me. It was like, “You got to get up. Nobody’s going to give you this. Nobody’s going to give you this life that you want. Nobody is going to be that mother like how you are going to be that mother. Put that thing in drive, hit the gas, and let’s go.” That’s exactly what I did. I pushed forward in prayer. My faith grew even stronger with God because I knew it was because of him, I was able to get through those hurdles.
How did he get back in?
Letting Go Of Your Feelings
I noticed Shasta ended up getting very close to God. It’s funny how God, to me, works in mysterious ways. His faith in God grew tremendously. He started going to church more. He started wanting to have that relationship with God and started doing different little activities. He actually went and lived with one of his other best friends, who I think helped him because all of my husband’s friends love me.
I’m that girl that they’re like, “Man, you’re stupid. We love Tomice.” They all love me. They still, to this day, call me their sis. I’m cool with their wives, their girlfriends, like we are family. I think he had a guy in his ear who had actually been around since we had started dating. He basically was like, “You need to get your stuff together. You got this beautiful girl, you got these two kids, and you out here making these childish mistakes. You need to grow up.”
I think with him in his ear, his relationship with God made him fight for us hard. Now, this time, it wasn’t as easy. The other time, it was a little easy. He said a little love song, you told me this. I was like, “Okay.” At this point, I have rebuilt myself. Those little love songs, those little love notes, those, “I’m going to do better,” you’ve got to show it to me. You’ve got to prove it. He put in the work like coming to the school.
Granted, the kids went to the school that I worked at. Of course, he’s going to see them. He’s going to see me. He would bring flowers and he would tell me, “I want my family back.” We started talking. We got back on track like how it was when we first got together. We were friends, joking. I would tell him about stuff that the kids did. My thing with him was I wanted to always show up as a unit at the school. That was another thing.
I don’t care what we have going on. When it comes down to these kids, we need to be one. Our kids need to know that no matter what’s going on in our lives, we’re going to show up together as a unit and advocate on their behalf. That’s what we started to do. He had a couple of, I’ll say, mental breakdown situations that happened to him to where he ended up having to seek out therapy. With him going to therapy, that is how I got introduced to our therapies because he started wanting to do family counseling.
Our kids need to know that no matter what's going on in our lives, we will show up together as a unit and advocate on their behalf. Share on XCo-Parenting
That brought everything together. We were able to do family counseling. At this point, focusing on me but the kids were seeing all of this. The kids are also affected by, “Daddy’s here. Daddy’s gone. They’re breaking up again. Now daddy’s back. We’re happy.” They were confused. My thing was I wanted a whole complete family. Oftentimes, we forget about the kids. We would get so stuck on our feelings that we don’t realize how it’s affecting them. We started all doing counseling together and started talking about different things. Family counseling turned into pre-marital counseling, which then led to us officially saying I do.
How long did it take before you started believing him again and trusting him?
It took a while. It took, I don’t know, at least 6 or 7, maybe even 8 months. I was going with the flow. I was still talking and anything, but my guard was always up. I questioned everything. If he used to talk to me a certain way, I’m like, “That’s not me. I’m not she no more. I’m somebody different. We are going to learn how to communicate a little bit better.” I became a different version and he realized that because he was like, “Who are you?” I will always tell him, “I love having you here. I love that we’re trying to bring our family back together. I want us to grow and do that. However, I’ve gotten to a point in my life that I love you, but I love me more. If at any time you feel like you cannot be the role of this husband or that you’re trying to be, let me know.”
“I’m okay. I’ve rebuilt myself to understand that that may not happen. There’s no love lost. Nothing will change. You are the father of my kids. Please don’t marry me because you feel like you have to because I’m a new Tomice. I’m not the old Tomice anymore.” I think that made a difference, learning me and knowing me and knowing that in spite of, I could make it with or without him, I think that is what turned that corner.
Learning and knowing yourself and knowing that you could make it with or without him makes a difference. Share on XDid he propose again? How did we get to the wedding? How did that come into play?
The Wedding
At first, we were very public with everything. When they see Shasta, they see Tomice. They thought we were Beyonce and Jay-Z. We were that couple. In the midst of our healing season, we were quiet. Nobody knew that we were trying to rekindle anything. Maybe our close friends and family knew it, but as far as anything else, nobody knew anything.
We chose to do it that way. It wasn’t like he got back on his knee again. He was like, “I’m ready. I want us to get married.” I’m like, “I’ve heard this before.” He’s like, “I’m serious. I want us to get married. Let’s go do it tomorrow. We can go to the courthouse tomorrow. I’m ready.” I wanted to go ahead and do that, but then a piece of me was like, “No, I’m going to wait it out. I’m going to wait out for a little bit to make sure your headspace is the same.”
It was, and so about 2 or 3 months later, we decided to go ahead. We did something small. We ended up going to one of the churches that he ended up attending in Georgia. Actually, the pastor was one of his good friends, Pastor Poole. He was a very good friend of his. He was delighted to hear that we were to get married. He basically was like, “Look, you can have this portion of the building. I’m not charging you anything. Just give me a love offering, however you want it, because I’m so happy for this union to come.”
We did things our way. I only had my sister and one of my other good friends. he had his two best friends. I told them to put on this color dress. We did it our way. We invited a few little friends, family, and people who had been a part of the Shasta and Tomice team. We invited them. When I tell you, it was a beautiful ceremony. We didn’t do anything extra. As a matter of fact, after our wedding, we decided on our little honeymoon, I guess, because he was big on basketball, we got a hotel in Atlanta downtown.
We went to an Atlanta Hawks game, and enjoyed each other. We did it our way. That was one of the happiest days of his life and mine. When we announced it where we posted a picture of us and we put Romans 8:28 which was one of our favorite scriptures, and then we put it down, “We’re married now,” and my last name changed.
I think we broke the internet. I think we should have got a check off of how many people were like, “We didn’t know you were together. Congratulations. Power couple.” I was so happy to see the joy of everybody who was so excited, his phone blowing up, my phone blowing up, but it was beautiful to see that smile on our kids’ faces. They were so happy. It made a difference.
Can you share a memory or two that you remember from being married to Shasta?
My husband was a very tough guy. If you look at him, he’s always mugging all the time. I remember I was so nervous because my dad walked me down. My dad is a jokester. He loves cracking jokes. That’s his thing. We crack jokes all the time. He’s trying to get me not to cry because he was like, “Don’t you cry.” Our wedding song was perfect. It was by Major, This is Why I Love You.
It was a very popular song at that time that everybody was getting married to. It meant so much to us because it described our whole love story. It described everything. As I was walking in, getting ready to turn the corner, I looked up at him and the tears are coming. I’m shocked because he was such a tough guy and his friends made it funny. They would tap him on the shoulder or one of his friends wiping his eyes, trying to make it funny.
I’ll never forget walking down. In that moment, I was like, “This is happening. I’m about to be a bride. I’m about to be a wife.” I remember looking into the audience and seeing everybody that had shared our story because everybody who was there had shared some part in our story, and seeing the tears on their face and seeing the smiles and everybody was so happy. It was a very touching moment for me. His grandmother was there. Both of his grandparents were there but he loves his grandmother.
I’ll never forget when I was in the room getting ready, putting my makeup on and everything, she came and she broke down and cried. She said, “I’m so glad that my grandson is lucky to have a wife like you.” To hear her say that to me because me and her bumped heads at first. We bumped heads in a way of she’s one of those type of woman that will, what comes up comes out and she would I would call and try to talk to him on the phone back in the day and I was like, “Where is he?” “You don’t ask anybody where he’s at.“ You know how those elders are.
I’m about to tell you, you get grandma age, you like, “I’m going to say what I’m going to say and do what I’m going to do and you all are going to have to live with it.”
Yes, and that was his grandma, Gloria. “You don’t call me asking. On my phone? He’ll call you when he gets home.” “Yes, ma’am.” I used to think, “She doesn’t like me.” To hear her say that, she hugged me, broke down, cried, and said, “I’m so glad that my grandson is marrying a girl like you.” It was so beautiful and touching.
Were your children at the wedding?
Yes. Our son was his little groomsman, and my daughter was supposed to be the flower girl, but she thought she was the bridesmaid and the flower girl at the same time. There’s a picture of us where the photographer did it for me. I told the photographer, “I like everything to be natural. I don’t want you to tell me to pose for anything. I want you to snap stuff.” There’s a picture of me and I’m actually bending down and I was talking to my daughter. She grabbed my face and kissed me. “Mommy, I’m so happy.” She snapped that moment, and it was such a joyous occasion to hear her say that.
What was it like being married?
It was great. It was good being married. Of course, we still had our ups and downs, but we thrived so well as a couple. He was able to finally find out what his purpose was in life. He ended up opening up businesses. He had a credit consulting company where he helped people fix their credit. He ended up launching a clothing line, which is now our son’s clothing line, because he’s eighteen.
They got an LLC together called GFB, God Family Business. Eventually, he became a sports agent. He used his gift of helping other players who wanted to go play ball overseas. He will connect them with agents over there. For some strange reason, which I don’t know why he did this because we didn’t have any pets, he opened up a pet store. We, as a couple, thrived, and I continued on with my education endeavors. I was still a teacher at that point. It was lovely.
It was like we were the best of friends. His goal was, he would always tell me, “Baby, we’re going to live life. We have been raising kids and we’ve been basically struggling to get to this point. We’re going to enjoy life.” We ended up getting a house in McDonough, Georgia, where I’m currently at now and watching our kids grow. We were able to enjoy each other. Beautiful thing. We had fun. We were going out, living the life that I always wanted to live.
I will ask this question, and I’ll let you take us wherever you want in this part, but I don’t want to interrupt you. Can you share what led up to his passing and that process?
COVID
It was right around 2021 when we were starting to hear the news a whole lot about COVID. My husband was the type of guy that he didn’t believe everything that he heard or whatever. He says, “It’s just the flu. They’re trying to scare us. I’m going to live my life. I’m not going to let it stop me.” He lived in Portland. He kept doing his thing. He kept helping others with his business and everything. I’ll never forget the night he had an outing that he went to and he came home.
To set the story, so the school that I’m at now, I had actually left because I had been offered a counseling position in the county that I currently live in, Henry County. I was in a transition because this happened in July. I was in my pre-planning, getting ready to get started with a new career. Everything that I had in my county before was gone. I didn’t have anything else because everything transferred over to Henry. I remember he came home and started off with coughing bad.
He was like, “I don’t know what this is.” I would say, “Baby, take some medicine for it.” My husband was that guy, “I’m all right. I don’t need any medicine. If I do, I’ll take some NyQuil, knock it out and I’ll be fine.” I noticed that as the days went on, that cough got worse. He was complaining more about his chest hurting and then he stopped wanting to eat. I was back and forth then because mind you, I had started a new job. We had the teacher pre-planning. I had to attend that. The actual building was not that far from home. It was like five minutes away.
I would go do my classes, come home, try to check on him, and then go back. We ended up going into week two and things kept getting worse. He couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat, cussly coughing, and talking about how he couldn’t catch his breath. At this point, his mom started getting concerned because he refused to go to the doctor. He was like, “No, I’m not going to no doctor. I’m fine.” His mom was like, “I’m coming up.”
His mom ended up coming up and she was trying to see what was going on. We were all trying to convince him to go to the doctor. It got so bad to the point where one day he fell to the floor and he’s like, “I cannot breathe. Hence, we called 911. They came and his oxygen level was practically down to the lowest percentage possible.
At that time, that’s when COVID was bad and they were out trying to figure everything out. The guy that was in the ambulance had told us like, “I’m going to be honest, if we take him to the hospital right now, he may sit there for hours and hours because it’s so many people at this hospital and we don’t know what to do.” He was like, “We can give him a little breathing machine to help him out. Hopefully, that’ll increase his oxygen. If things get worse, please call us back. We’ll come and get him.” He decided to stay and suffer.
Now, in the midst of all of me trying to take care of him, I get COVID. Now you have two parents down. My mom had to come up. They’re trying to take care of the kids. They’re trying to take care of us. I wasn’t necessarily as bad as him. I still could breathe, but it was a normal COVID typical symptoms, fever, loss of taste, loss of smell. He was still trying to use the machine to breathe, but it’s not getting any better. We go into the third week where now he starts to cough up blood.
I made an executive decision and I was like, “No. You are going to the doctor. We’ve got to figure out what is going on with you. I don’t care how long you have to sit. I’d rather you be in the hospital where there’s care that can take care of you than you sitting at home and we have no idea what to do.” My mom rides with him to go to the hospital and he’s there for a couple of hours. I get the call and he says, “Babe, they’re saying that I have COVID and I have pneumonia. They’re telling me that my oxygen level is deadly. I’m scared.”
I said, “Do they have you on something to help you breathe?” He was like, “Yeah, but they’re saying that my symptoms are so bad that they may need to transport me to another hospital because right now they don’t have enough beds for me. I need to go get help now because honestly, they’re talking about if I don’t get help, I could possibly pass away.” They end up taking him to a hospital further up in Atlanta, Northside Hospital.
There’s where he stayed for the next couple of weeks. They did have to intubate him and he fought it. Now I’m having anxiety because, for every tough milestone in his life, I’ve been there. From the time us being together at the age of sixteen, all the way up to now, I’ve never not been by his side. That’s when they had strict COVID restrictions. Nobody could be there. Plus, I already had COVID, so they weren’t going to let me go anyway. I could only communicate with him by phone.
For every tough milestone in Tomice's husband's life, she's been there from the time being together at the age of 16 up to now. Share on XThe conversation started getting weirder and weirder because he was losing so much oxygen to the brain. He was paranoid. Everybody was out to get him. He was angry with everybody. It was very traumatic for me because all I could do was try to talk him down. I could only imagine you in a hospital full of strangers and you have no family and you’re hearing what can happen to people who have COVID. They finally allowed his mom to come up and be with them to see him.
She begged and pleaded, and she said, “I think I can talk to him.” They wanted to put him on the ECMO machine, which is a machine that induces coma. It allows your lungs to rest and it circulates the blood through your body to help you breathe, but your body is like sleeping, but he was afraid to be put to sleep. He wanted to stay on the ventilator, but the ventilator wasn’t strong enough for him. Finally, after raising cane, the nurse is calling me like, “Your husband is up here. He has kicked us out of the room. We got to come back into the room. He won’t let us take his vitals. We are trying to work with him, but he has got to stop yelling at us.”
My mother-in-law was able to talk to him like, “These people are here to help you, baby. You’ve got to stop fighting.” I think because he fought so hard, he wore himself out. I remember that at this point, I was starting to feel a little bit better. I remember his nurse called me and she said, “he’s finally tired of fighting us. He’s willing to let us put him on the machine.” I said, “Let me talk to him because I need to hear that out of his mouth.” He got on the phone, and we FaceTimed. He looked at me and said, “I’m tired, baby, I’m tired.” I said, “I know, but let these doctors take care of you.”
I said, “You need rest right now.” He said, “I’m tired.” I started coughing. In the midst of his being tired, he was like, “Cover your mouth, stop coughing. I have kids in the house.” I said, “I am.” He was like, “Are you eating? I do not want you to come to the hospital. Whatever you need to do, you better do it because you got to take care of our kids.” I was like, “We are going to take care of our kids. Stop talking like that.” Of course, we got a chance to say I love you. I told him, “I’ll see you soon.” They put him to sleep and he was not ever able to wake up.
I am so sorry. I know sometimes we can recant those experiences and it’s like, okay, and sometimes it’s like it’s getting tough right here. I know you reached out to me because you wanted to be able to share your story. You wanted other widows, and predominantly younger widows, to know they are not alone. Also, a lot of people lost loved ones during COVID and it’s not a number. Each one of those lives is someone’s story. You wanted people to know and validate their experience and share your husband’s memory in doing that. I thank you for wanting to do that. I know it comes at a cost. There’s a price to do that. I don’t take that lightly. This has to be hard.
It is. I think one of the most difficult parts of it is that, in the end, because my faith stayed strong throughout the whole entire time. I called every single day. Now, mind you, in the midst of going through this, I’m still having to push myself because guess what? I got a new job. I’ve got to show up. I worked through this.
Don’t leave because you said everything had to start over. You’re in a new system and you’re the fresh one on the block. You have no seniority. They don’t know you. They don’t have this long history, so there’s a lot to do with that.
It’s a new position because it’s my first time ever being a counselor. I’m so grateful that God knows where to send you in those times because I could not have asked for a better administration. When I tell you my principal, Dr. Walden, and Mr. Grant, were like heaven sent because he told me from day one, he said, “I don’t care what you’re doing, I don’t care where you’re at. If you get a call about your husband, you are leaving. You are going. This building will be here when you get back, but you take as much time as you need to. I’m human before I’m anything else.”
Just having to give that support alleviated a lot of stress. Even for the first couple of weeks, when school started, he did not make me come back. He said, “You take as much time as you need. You come back when you’re ready.” My anxiety was always high because it’s like, I’m trying to work, but I’m scared I’m going to miss his phone call because I’m constantly having to talk to the doctor because, at this point, he’s under an induced coma, so he’s not able to call me.
I have to call and was like, “How was his day going today? How was this? How was that?” I never in my life thought I would have to learn so many terms and learn what that meant and this level and that level. I think the most traumatic part, which all of this is traumatic, was when we had that last call and they called a meeting. They called a care team meeting. I am never naive. As I said, I worked in a special education department.
I know sometimes when we are calling a meeting with a team, when we’re calling it, it’s not necessarily something good. It’s something that we’ve discovered and we need to take other measures. I’ll never forget, because at this time my mom and my mother-in-law had stayed with me at the house. They had called me and they asked for a care team meeting. They were like, “Can you come in?” I said, “Me and my mother-in-law will be in because any decision that needs to be made, we’ve got to make it together. I know I’m the wife, but this is her son. It’s as important.”
We went in and we sat at the table. I remember I knew every doctor, but there was one person in particular that I did not know. I remember, because at this point I’m angry because I’m not crazy. I know what you’re calling me for. I look at this lady and I say, “Who are you?” She says, “I’m the chaplain.” Immediately, my heart dropped. I think I was pretty ugly to her. I think I told her, “We don’t need you. I pray every day. He got his own pastor. You’re only in here when somebody is about to die and my husband is not about to die.”
I remember her saying, “No, I’m here for support.” “I don’t need your support.” I was adamant with her. I wanted her out. What happened was they were trying to find ways to save my husband, but basically, pneumonia had set in so badly that they were hoping that the fluid buildup was going to be outside of his heart because that was an easy fix. They could do a little minor surgery and burn it off, and he would be fine.
Upon discovering when they went and did further tests, they discovered that the mucus buildup was internal. It was hardening his lungs from the inside. At this point, there’s only one or two options. We decide to go ahead and let him go, or we try to fight to get him a lung transplant, which, at this point, he was so sick that he probably wouldn’t survive surgery. The hardest decision that I had to make was if I was going to take everything off and let him transition. That was a very tough decision.
I thank God I had my mother-in-law because we made it together. It’s something that, for the longest time, used to haunt me. Did I give up on him? Could he have fought harder? The other side of me looked at it from everything that I saw and everything that I personally knew and things that I was starting to see signs of. It was very traumatic, but we made that decision and he got a chance to all of his close family and friends.
As I said, Northside Hospital was phenomenal in this whole transition. They allowed us to FaceTime so that he could hear his grandparents. The one thing when I was saying that kids take everything and kids are so resilient was when we decided to let my husband transition to be with God, and I couldn’t stay in the room. I didn’t want to imagine that with him, but my son begged to stay. My son and his mom and my mom stayed in there with him as he transitioned. My son, to this day, says it’s the best decision he ever made because he felt like he got a chance to spend the last moments with his dad.
What year was this?
- August 16, 2021 was when he transitioned. Ten days before my birthday.
Do you recall anything of that first birthday?
I remember I had friends that came over. We had a little party at my house. I got videos that I could remember. Every now and again, I’ll go back and look at them, but I was like, “I don’t remember any of this.” You can see it. I’m smiling, but not smiling. I didn’t want to blow out the candle for the cake because I was like, “What am I wishing for? My world has been taken from me. I’m here, he’s not.” It was a lot of emotions, but we did do a little something.
Thank you for mentioning that your world has imploded and what are we doing? Now, you’re on the fifth moment of life without him. Now it’s permanent. You will not have him again. Here you are now, wanting to help other widows and other people who are going through their own difficult moments. What was the pivot to get from that moment to where you want to help others?
The Purposeful Widow
I’ve always been a believer that there’s a purpose for everything. Purpose in your pain, purpose in your struggles. I’m not going to say there are not a lot of resources out there because I’m quite sure there are, but at that moment, you feel alone. You feel like, “What do I do next?” I was constantly googling, “Is there a book about grief? Is there a book like, “This month you can do this, this month you can do this?”
It hit me because I’ve had a lot of friends and family who have lost their spouse and they’re young. It hit me one day when one of my cousins, whose husband had passed away before my husband did. I always do inspirational posts on my Facebook. I’m very transparent. I try to tell people, “I know it hurts, but you cannot get stuck. You got to keep going.” I remember she wrote to me and said, “It’s been about 5 or 6 years since I’ve lost my husband and I’m still not at the point that you’re at. I don’t know how to get there. I feel stuck. You are so stronger than me.”
It was at that moment that I said, “People grieve differently.” I tell people all the time, “You had to grieve however you had to grieve.” There is no book. There is no timeline for anything you’re supposed to do, but I knew that my life still had a purpose. I knew that I did not want to wake up every day, living a nightmare, being stuck there. I refuse to get stuck there because, at the end of the day, I still have two kids I got to take care of. If mama’s not okay, then they’re not going to be okay.
I took all of that in and I pushed myself to keep going. The fact that my husband had always told me from the time that we were dating, “If anything ever happened to me, you better not stop. You better keep living.” All of that stuck with me, and that is what makes me want to encourage others. I know there are some out there who are lost, young widows.
What are the ways in which you are encouraging people and sharing your story with others?
I actually do a whole bunch of TikToks. Purposeful Widow is the username if anybody wants to find me. I also have founded a company, it’s still a work in progress, but it’s also Purposeful Widow, where I’m basically getting on there, trying to send some encouraging words and trying to let the young widow community know that you’re not alone and don’t beat yourself up. There’s no timeline on how long you can grieve. The only thing that I ask is that you don’t get stuck, that you put one foot in front of the other and however that journey looks like for you, you take it but don’t settle and get stuck to the point where you lose you and you lose out on the fact that you’re still here to live a purpose in life.
Live a purpose in life. Share on XAre you on any other social media platforms besides TikTok?
I have a Facebook page. It’s also Purposeful Widow that if anybody wants to connect with me, that’s on there. I have the TikTok Purposeful Widow as well. Those are the two social media streams that I use to get it out there. I’m hoping that in the future, my goal is to start doing public speaking. I have some things brewing with that, trying to get this platform started so that I can have different avenues to help support young widows.
When you reached out to me and thought about having this conversation, was there anything you wanted to cover or talk about that we did not mention?
I wanted to make sure that I got that message out there about moving forward. Since my husband’s passing, I have so much. I came up with a theme. My theme word before I had mentioned was becoming, but that became a word when my husband passed because as wives, we have so many different identities. A lot of times when we’re married, we get caught up in our spouse’s identity and we not necessarily lose ourselves, but some of our things fall off because we’re trying to be that route to help support our spouse.
When my husband passed away, I wanted to reinvent myself. I’ve always been known as Shasta’s wife, but I wanted to show the world what Tomice’s life looked like. As I said, I went back to school. I got another degree. I have excelled in leadership. I celebrated my son’s graduation from high school. He will be attending college. I cried like a baby because it was a struggle to keep him on the right track.
My daughter is getting ready to go to middle school and she is so stinking smart. I told her, “I don’t know who you get your brains from, girl because you be out here doing the thing and it’s like you don’t have to study.” Just make sure that you continue to push in life. Whatever it is you want to do, you do. If you have a desire to date again, date again. If you have a desire to move to another state or to go back to school or to whatever it is that you have a desire to do, do it with reassurance and don’t feel guilty about it.”
I think a lot of times we feel guilty about doing certain things. I know a couple of months after my husband passed away, my other best friend took me on a trip. It was a simple trip. We went to Dexter, Florida, and had a good time, but I remember feeling guilty at that moment because I was like, “I’m out here celebrating life because it was shortly after my birthday and I lost my husband.”
I remember that setting into my spirit, but then I had to realize because my husband passed away, yes, that was a very traumatic part of my life and I will never forget it, but life doesn’t stop for me. It’s not the end. I’m still here for a reason. My husband served his purpose. What God wanted him to do, He allowed him to do and he was ready for him to come home. I think it’s all about going through the process, being real with yourself, but ultimately becoming whoever it is that you feel that you are destined to do and doing it without any guilt because there’s no book for grief at all.
I’ve asked you a lot of questions. Any questions for me?
No, you have inspired me. I don’t think you even know because we never talked about it, but hearing your story and seeing how you created this platform for us widows to have a voice and you being so transparent. I don’t personally know you, but watching your TikToks and seeing how you are an example of exactly what I’m saying about living life and navigating this journey. I feel like it’s one of those things where you inspire me.
You inspired me. As I said, I’m quite sure you have your ups and you have your downs, but honoring your husband and still honoring all of his legacy and all the members that you guys shared, I think that helped me out. That was something that I was struggling with a little bit like how can I move on or if I start dating or whatever. How can I do that and still honor my late husband? You have been a great example of that.
I wasn’t ready for that. Thank you. I will say thank you. I will let you close out this conversation to our audience, everyone who’s taking part in the conversation.
I hope that I have been able to inspire someone on this platform. My ultimate message is being a young widow is not easy. I ended up having to be a single mom. It has not been easy, but if you put one foot in front of the other, and if you take it by stride and live your grief how you can live your grief, I promise you that things will get better. Know that I am a very down-to-earth person.
If you want to reach out to me on TikTok, like I said, it’s Purposeful Widow. If you want to send me a message or follow me on Facebook, Purposeful Widow, I am here to answer any questions that you may have. I may not have all the answers, but I will try my best to navigate you and help you through this process, but know you are not alone, we are a community, and we are a family and we’re going to all get through this together.
Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing this story.
Thank you for having me.
Important Links
- Tomice Scott
- TikTok – Purposeful Widow
About Tomice Scott
Early childhood education/ Special education/ Mental Health Counselor. Young Widow, mother, and influencer.
