Valentine’s Day can be a bittersweet reminder of love and loss for those who are grieving a spouse. This episode offers gentle guidance and support for navigating this emotionally charged day. Discover thoughtful ways you can show up for a grieving friend or family member, from simple gestures of acknowledgment to practical offers of help. We also dive deep into self-care strategies for widows and widowers, including managing grief triggers, honoring cherished memories, and practicing radical self-compassion. This episode is a compassionate guide to surviving Valentine’s Day while honoring the pain, love, and healing journey of those who have lost a spouse.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World

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Valentine’s Day Tips For The Grieving Hearts

My name is Tina Fornwald. I am the founder of Widowhood Real Talk with Tina. My late husband, Mark, passed away in March 2017 from an unexpected heart attack and it is Valentine’s Day. I understand from my perspective that it is a hard date to endure sometimes. I wanted to take some time to share with you some items that I have found helpful in dealing with Valentine’s Day and things that I believe will be helpful for you. I do have some notes, so I’ll be looking down as we discuss this.

How Friends And Family Can Support A Widow On Valentine’s Day

One of the things that I want to talk about first is that this part of the conversation is not for widowhood. This part of the conversation is for the family and friends of people who are widowed. Oftentimes, people ask me, “How can I support my friend who lost their spouse? What is something that I can do for them?” This is part of the conversation, I’m giving to you now, and you can accomplish it in the future.

Thoughtful Ways To Show You Care: Sending Cards, Flowers, And Gifts

One of the first things that you can do is send them a card. You may be tuning in to this show now, which is February 13th. You can still put that card in the mail. If you live in local proximity, you can take the card and drop it off in their mailbox. The card can come from you. You are their friend. You are their family member. You may be their child, cousin, uncle, aunt, someone who knows them, or a next-door neighbor, but you know that they miss their spouse. Giving them a card is a way to symbolize, “I acknowledge your pain. I see you and I understand this is difficult, but I’m here with you on this journey.”

The other thing that you can do is you can send them flowers, an edible fruit arrangement, or whatever type of thing that if you received would be a welcoming thing to have. You know them well enough that you’re tuning in to this episode, so I know you care about them. I encourage you to consider sending them flowers or sending them the edible fruit arrangement. I know it is February 13th. They may get it a day or so late, but it will still let them know that you care and you are thinking about them.

The other thing that you can do is you can send a gift. Maybe you have their Amazon wishlist because you guys are friends. Maybe you’ve been speaking with them and they’ve shared different things that they would like to have. Buy it for them. You can leave it as an anonymous gift or you can let them know that you sent it to them. Either way, you are still identifying, “I see your pain, I see your challenge, and it doesn’t go unnoticed, and I am on this journey with you.”

You will hear me say, “I am on this journey with you,” because it is important. It is vital. It is critical for them to know that even though they are grieving their spouse, there is a community, and you are part of that community that is there with them so that they know they don’t have to isolate. They don’t have to hide their grief. You are willing to allow them to have a safe space where they can be vulnerable, and you are on this journey with them.

Offering Practical Help: Acts Of Kindness To Lighten A Widow’s Load

The other thing that you can do is you can offer to take her out. You may say, “Can we go out for lunch? Can we go out for dinner? Can we go to a movie? Can we go for a walk? Can you go to the mall with me? Can I go run errands with you?” You can let them know, “I want to celebrate you for Valentine’s Day.” Any of those things can be an appropriate way or maybe you know them in such a way that there’s something else that you can do and spend time with them. I encourage you to reach out.

Maybe you can offer to help with something that you know they cannot stand doing. When my late husband passed, the idea of taking out the trash was painful. Mark took out the trash or the children did. Having to get the trash can, roll it to the front of our house, and leave it there left me in tears. I was devastated. Maybe you know that their spouse was responsible for shoveling the driveway. Maybe you know that their spouse would clean off their car.

The simple task of doing something like that for them maybe over the course of a week or saying, “For the month of March, I’m going to clean off your car. That’s how I’m going to celebrate you.” It is an amazing way to offer help. Maybe you know that they can’t stand going grocery shopping, and you offer to be their personal grocery shopper for whatever day and time. Offering to help and take a load off of that widow’s responsibility is so helpful.

Sometimes people say, “I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” and then the widow is left trying to figure out, “What do I want them to do? What would I ask them to do? What if they say no?” If you come to them and offer something substantial that will help them, that’s a gift that doesn’t stop giving because they can rest and know that something is taken care of that they don’t have to be responsible for.

Acknowledging The Widow’s Pain And Creating A Safe Space

The other thing that you can do, you can let her know that she matters. You can let her know that you care for her. You can let her know that her feelings are valid and that what she is going through is not something that’s being overlooked. You can let her know, “I see you and I see your pain. I see your struggle. I see you missing your spouse. If you want to, I would love to sit and have space with you while you share about them, while you speak about your love and memories, and go through photos.” Give them a space to let them be vulnerable.

Embracing Grief: 7 Tips For Widows On Valentine’s Day

I look forward to hearing what you learned from this and how you are going to celebrate people you know who have lost their spouses. We’re now going to flip it. This part of the conversation is for the widow herself. I was scrolling online and I found an organization called Kate’s Club. Their mission reads as this, “To empower children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver, or someone important to them.”

You can find them at KatesClub.org. This article that I found on their website was from February 2nd, 2024. They list Valentine’s Day tips for widows, widowers, and grieving people facing a day of love without your loved one. I want to share the seven items that they have here from my perspective. I encourage you to go to their website and read the rest of the article and see the different things that they have to offer.

Prepare For Grief Triggers On Valentine’s Day

1) They said for the widow or the grieving person, prepare yourself for grief triggers. It seems simple, but the reality of saying, “I’m going to prepare myself that this may be a difficult day,” is important. Be honest with that. Oftentimes, the day before a particular day or moment is most heavy for me. It is February 13th. For you, this may be more difficult than February 14th, but be honest with yourself that you may be emotionally triggered. That is normal. That is expected. That is okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Being emotionally triggered doesn’t automatically mean, “I’m going backward on my grief.” This is what grief looks like. You are still doing good most likely. The idea of crying or being emotionally triggered doesn’t mean that you’re not making progress and moving forward in your life. It’s part of grieving, and it’s to be expected.

Celebrate The Love Of A Lost Loved One

2) They recommend that we celebrate our love. Celebrate the person that you love and who is no longer here. I heard a widow say, “I loved my husband out loud, and I will grieve him out loud.” That resonates with me. The person that we love, we don’t have to hide because we still love them now. They may not be in this physical world, but that oftentimes has not changed the reality that we still love them. We get to celebrate their love. Say their name out loud, write a letter to them, and do something that looks like you celebrating the love that still exists in your heart.

Honor Your Relationships: Celebrate Friends And Family 

3) Celebrate your friends if you are grieving on Valentine’s Day. We don’t have the ability to physically love our spouse or our loved one because they have transitioned from this world, but we can love and celebrate the people who are here with us. We can pour into family and friends and ask them, “Can I spend time with you? Can I celebrate you because our relationship is important to me?” I know sometimes it’s hard to step outside of our grief and ask people to be there for us, but it is important for us to be able to harness that love that is instilled within us and express it to other people.

I encourage you to find a friend or family member to express love to them because the one thing that we know is we do not have a promise for tomorrow. The ability to love someone while they are here is important. I encourage you to seize the moment because we all know there’s a moment in time that we may never have the opportunity to love and to celebrate the person that we love now. Do it with the people that are still here.

Indulge Yourself With A Delicious Meal

4) They recommend having a delicious meal. What that delicious meal may look like is different for every person. I can tell you that when Mark passed and Catherine and Alexander were both in the Navy, there were plenty of times I had a bag of popcorn for dinner, or a bowl of cereal or a bowl of ice cream, but sometimes I had to do good by myself. It doesn’t have to be something difficult or super expensive. Maybe you go get some chicken breast. Maybe you get a vegetarian meal. You’ve looked up some recipes on social media, and this is going to be the moment that you’re going to leap out and buy all the different ingredients and make that meal for yourself.

Maybe you have a coupon to go to your favorite restaurant that you’ve been putting off. Maybe you have a gift card that someone has given you, and you’ve been afraid to go to the restaurant on your own. You can order it, pick it up, and take it home. You can sit in the restaurant and love on yourself, but maybe make this an opportunity where you have a good meal that you enjoy and celebrate yourself.

Give Yourself Permission To Wallow In Grief

The other thing that they recommend is 5) Give yourself permission to wallow in your grief. Your spouse is no longer in this world, and you don’t have to have all that toxic positivity. You may not be able to muster the energy to do 1 through 4, and maybe all you have is the ability to wallow in your grief, and that’s fine. I would like to recommend something that a therapist named Britt recommended, which is to give yourself a timeline as you do that wallowing.

What that will look like? Let’s say you wake up in the morning on Valentine’s Day at 7:00 AM and you’re sad. That is legitimate. Give yourself a limitation that by 7:00 AM on Saturday, February 15th, you are going to take action. What that will look like? At 7:00 AM, you wake up on Valentine’s Day and you’re like, “I’m not feeling any of this. I don’t want to be bothered.” Check back in with yourself at noon and say, “It’s been a few hours. Do I feel like getting out of bed? Do I feel like going to make something to eat?” Maybe at 12:00, you don’t feel like doing anything. Check back in with yourself at 3:00 PM.

Maybe I feel like going for a walk. Maybe I feel like watching something on television. Give yourself another check-in at 6:00 PM and see where you stand. Maybe at 9:00 PM, you are ready to get out of bed and go for a walk or go watch something on television, or do some exercising. No matter what, by 7:00 AM on Saturday, you now have to get out of bed, leave the house, take a shower, refresh yourself, and give yourself an opportunity for a new day.

Wallowing and crying is healing, and it has its place because I have learned when I am trying to run from grief, instead of leaning into how I feel, grief will find me. I’ve learned to lean into it because running is extra energy that I don’t need to expend. If I lean into the grief, give myself that space to sit in, and wallow in it, it does the work that it needs to do. I leave that situation feeling lighter than I did in the beginning.

Show Yourself Compassion And Grace During Grief

Item number 6) Treat yourself with compassion if you are grieving on Valentine’s Day. What does that look like? One of the things that I think about when I consider treating myself with compassion is how I would treat someone else in this situation. I say that because oftentimes, we are more understanding, more forgiving, and more supportive of other people than we are of ourselves. I would ask you to consider whether you are giving yourself tough words. Is there head chatter going on that you’re fighting against? Are you telling yourself, “I should be over this by now? I can’t believe that I’m still upset about this?” Are you telling yourself that you’re not worthy of being upset, that no one should be able to see this?

Those are words that you would not tell someone else. I encourage you to stop telling them to yourself. I encourage you to show the love and the compassion, the consideration and understanding that you would give other people in such a difficult period of life, that you give it to yourself, that you give yourself grace and mercy, understanding, and compassion to know this process of living your life. Discovering your new version of who you are in your spouse’s absence takes work.

One of the ways that it became real to me was when I sat down and thought about Mark and I spent 32 years together. I multiplied that by months, and then multiplied that by days, and multiplied that by minutes and hours. It was a vast amount of time. It made me think, what in my mind made me have the concept that only after a year or two of Mark’s absence, I would be done grieving after spending 32 years with him?

When I looked at it mathematically, it made sense. This journey of grief takes time. It is eight years later, and I will always grieve Mark Fornwald. It may look different in different spaces and different times, but I have given myself the grace and the understanding to grieve his absence from this world. I invite you to do the same for yourself.

Find Support And Connect With Others In Your Grief Journey

Item number 7) They recommend finding support and connecting with others. One of the things that I know about grief is when we isolate ourselves for long periods of time, especially when we’re going through very difficult and trying moments, that is a wonderful time to reach out and find connections with others. Maybe it’s reaching out to me at WidowhoodRealTalk@gmail.com. Maybe you want to go to our website and look at the different events that we have going on. Maybe you want to join us in our confidential grief Discord because you are looking to seek and find community.

I encourage you to connect with people that will support you on this journey. Maybe your family and friends don’t have the experience or emotional bandwidth to understand how to support you but know there are people available to support you. Maybe this is the day that you reach out and join a grief support group. Maybe this is a day that you reach out to a widow or widower’s community in your home state, but know that community and connections are powerful.

I want to say thank you for allowing me to share this information with you. I encourage you to reach out if you have any other topics or guests that you would like me to cover or have in our show. I consider it an honor to be here and share this space with you. I am sorry for your loved one who is no longer in this world and has drawn you to this content, but I am grateful and honored to be on this journey with you. I’ll talk to you next week.

Important Links

• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina
• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina on YouTube
• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina on Twitter
• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina on Instagram
• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina on Tiktok
• Widowhood Real Talk with Tina on Facebook
• Kate’s Club
• Valentine’s Day: Tips for Widows, Widowers, and Grieving People Facing the Day of Love Without Yours