The holiday season—a time often painted with perfect, joyful strokes—can feel like an impossible climb when you’re navigating life after loss. For young widows especially, the grief is compounded by societal silence, financial strain, and the sheer force of balancing personal sorrow with the need to create magic for their children. In this incredibly honest and raw conversation, award-winning podcaster Rosie Gill-Moss (host of Widowed AF) brings the heat, discussing everything from finding new traditions amidst the chaos of parenting, to the surprising and often shamed phenomenon known as widow’s fire. Get ready for real talk on how one young widow reclaimed her identity, built a thriving community, and learned to live—and laugh—again, even during the toughest time of the year.

I am sharing my experience of loving the same man for 32 years, a mother to two adult children, a retired military officer, a breast cancer survivor, and my connections with others.  

Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should reach out to a suicide hotline or local emergency number in their country: Psychology Today Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources Around the World.

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Watch the episode here

Listen to the podcast here

Widowed AF: Widowhood, Grief, And Rebuilding Life After Loss With Rosie Gill-Moss

Voices Of Widowhood Healing Through The Holidays

Welcome to Voices of Widowhood Healing through the Holidays. This is our mini series, going from November 2025 into January ‘26. Our guest, Rosie, is going to bring the fire of Widowhood into this conversation. She’s an award-winning podcaster. She took time out to speak with us. Let’s get into this conversation with the widow who was very young and what she’s learned, and how it can help you.

Rosie, welcome to the Widowhood.

Thank you so much for having me. It’s great to be here.

When you hear, “Welcome to the Widowhood,” what’s the ticker-tape in your mind when you hear that? What does that mean to you?

Introduction To Widowed AF & Personal Identity

Now, it has a very different meaning. I now hear that as a, “Welcome to my tribe. Welcome to my community. I get you. I understand you.” Early on, if you’d asked me six months or a year into my widowhood, “Welcome to the Widowhood,” you’d probably have a black eye.

Tell us about your podcast, what you do, and why your voice is so relevant, Miss Award Winner, in this conversation.

Thank you so much. I did ask you to refer to me by Award Winner at every opportunity, so I’m glad you listened. Thank you very much. I host a podcast called Widowed AF. It does stand for what you think it might.

What does it stand for? We need to know.

I told the BBC it stands for As Friends. It stands for As Fuck. It has been the greatest joy that’s come out of my grief. I created it in my bedroom with an iPad and a sound reverb. I said to people, “Do you want to come and tell your story about being widowed?” and people did. You build it, and they will come, as they say. It turned into this resource that people are turning to.

When you are part of the club, the club that nobody wants to be a member of, you feel incredibly alone. You get it, right? To have the ability to listen in your ears while you’re on the school run, in the car, or whatever you may be doing, and listen to somebody talk about their experience, it won’t be the same, because no two stories are, but there’ll be so many similarities. There’ll be so many moments, and it’s a bit of a trite expression, but of a feeling seen.

That is so important. I am so grateful, Miss Award Winner, for you confirming to be part of Voices of Widowhood Healing through the Holidays because the holidays bring a different concept to grief that’s already complicated. How did you come up with this name, though? I do want to know that, as far as your podcast.

Years ago, I was quite freshly widowed, and I got the Instagram handle @Widowed_AF. I’ve done nothing with it. I do now, but at that point, I did nothing with it. I’m a writer. I did my degree in journalism. I love to write. I thought, “There’s a book in this. Somebody needs to talk about what the reality of being widowed is like.” I also have procrastination issues, so this book never happened. It has since. I said to my friend, “Let’s do this podcast instead.”

The name felt integral to what we do because it is tongue-in-cheek. It’s a little bit naughty. They say your vibe attracts your tribe. I’m a bit sweary and a bit naughty. For somebody to come on who was in a very different point in their grief or was dealing with it differently, it wouldn’t be the right place, but for the majority of people in or around my age group, it is what they’re looking for.

Your age group is, if we’re able to say?

I’m 44.

You became widowed very young.

37.

You were thinking, “What has happened here?”

I was like, “Help. I’m widowed as fuck.”

Being able to be in a space to freely talk without limitations, like, “This is hard. If I don’t have a space to have this real conversation, especially in the company of other people, where am I going to learn how to deal with this? Where am I going to find my tribe?’ Thank you for being part of this conversation. I didn’t do AF, but Real Talk was my version of that. We’ll go with that.

You probably passed all the screening things. Someone said to me, “You need to take swearing out because you’re getting blacklisted.”

You do what you have to do and express that. This is the real talk. I am not holding you back. What year did you become a widow, if we may ask?

2018. It was March.

Navigating Holiday Grieving & Parenting

You are going to be speaking from the Rosie then into the Rosie now. The first conversation that we want to have is about holidays, grieving, and parenting. Not the children, but you as the parent, how do you manage that emotion, the overwhelm, versus trying to be strong for your children? What does that look like for you as a parent?

With Christmas and the holidays, it’s a tough one. Ben loved Christmas. He’s from a big family. He’s 1 of 6. Christmases were big family events. There was chaos. There were huge piles of presents. It was a happy time for us. The first Christmas, I did what any sensible adult would do. I ran away from my problems. We went to Cape Verde. I put it on my credit card. My mom and dad came, and we had Christmas in the sunshine. That was amazing. However, it’s not always affordable to zip off to another side of the world.

I’ve done various things. I got on the British Sea on Christmas Day. Why not? We have been away again. We’ve been to a hotel in the UK. We’ve been to Jamaica for Christmas. This year, the children have asked me, “Could we have Christmas at home?” so I’ve said yes. My mom and dad will come over. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to sit in it at Christmas instead of running from it.

That first Christmas, we were going away, so I didn’t get a Christmas tree. One of our traditions was that we’d go to the Christmas tree farm. They’re growing. You’d pick your tree, they cut it down, and you take it home. We did that every year, so obviously, I didn’t want to do that. It got to about five days before Christmas, and the boys said, “We want a tree.” My car was in the garage. I walked up to a shop near me that sold trees, and I dragged back this enormous Christmas tree on my own. I’m thinking, “What is this? What am I doing here?”

There is an argument for putting your own needs to one side at Christmas a little bit, particularly if you have young children. They’ve already lost so much. You don’t want to steal the Christmas magic, too. In many ways, I have listened to them and been led by them, and what they want and what they need. I don’t set a table for him at Christmas, or anything like that, but Christmas is tough.

Thank you. Besides running away, which is something I can relate to because we were in Jamaica that first Christmas, my husband also loved taking the kids out to the farm, cutting down a tree. I envisioned myself out there with this ax, crying, and nothing happening. I’m walking away and in the car, crying, and struggling to tie this tree onto the car. It wasn’t working. On top of it, both of the children had left. They were both in the Military. For them to come home seemed like more than any of us could endure, so we all met at the boat for this cruise and went there.

There’s privilege and gratefulness to have the economic means to be able to run away and make that choice. Everyone doesn’t have that. Grief can be complicated by, “I’ve gone from this two-income life to my spouse’s last check and trying to figure this out.” In those parameters, and some of them may not be willing to travel, any recommendations for them as far as how they need to handle their emotions and not be overwhelmed with the holidays?

That’s so sad because I have a lot of friends who were left in severe economic peril when their partners died. To a certain extent, I was, too. I utilized credit cards quite heavily. I see the fear of, “How am I going to find that extra money to buy the presents and the Christmas food? We are bombarded, aren’t we, with pictures of Instagrammable decor? I’m putting Halloween things up.

There’s this enormous pressure to create this perfect Christmas when you may not have the financial or the emotional strength to be able to do it. There is an argument for reaching out in this situation, for saying to your friends and your family, “I don’t want to be alone this Christmas. Please, can you help me?” It would take a pretty cruel person to deny a widow some support over Christmas.

I’m very bad at asking for support, so it’s all well and good with me saying this. I would be sitting on my own waiting to be invited. Maybe this is a message for the wider community. If you know somebody in your community who has lost somebody close this Christmas, don’t assume that they’re going to be looked after. Ask. Make sure. Check in. Make sure they’ve got support.

Making a Christmas tradition that is yours can be powerful. You don’t necessarily want to let go of all the traditions you created, but to try to replicate Christmas when your spouse or your partner was alive is almost a bit of a fool’s errand. It’s always going to feel jarring. Like me, going to swim in the sea, perhaps you go, “On Christmas morning, we’re going to go for a walk this year.” You drag the teenagers out. They’ll probably kick and scream all the way, but start the process of building up a new tradition.

I can see that. They will kick and scream. I also like the idea that you mentioned before of taking the lead from your children. I know for me, the week Mark passed, it took a while for my brain to realize my children’s father died. My world crumbled. I had to bring them into the process because before, it was Mark and me making all the decisions. I needed these young adults to be part of this because their lives have been destroyed as much as mine. That was helpful, bringing them into the fold. It took some of the pressure off of me, feeling like I had to do everything. Being a young widow, where do you feel like your identity and social assumptions about how your widowhood was going to happen, feeling silenced, and then compounding the holidays on top of that?

One of the things I talk about in podcasts quite a lot is that widowhood is twofold. On the one hand, you become very much public property. Everybody’s got an opinion on how you are grieving, whether you are dating or not, or whether you are parenting right. Everybody has an opinion. You also lose all your autonomy. This is why I think it’s important what you said about the children and bringing them in because they’ve lost control. They could not control this happening, so to give them a voice. Suddenly, you are putting your parents as your next of kin again. You’ve lost your financial independence a lot of the time. You may have to rely on charitable support, friends and family, and benefits. To reclaim a little bit of your own independence is very powerful, but also tough.

How did you navigate that?

I don’t think I answered your question. Ask me the question again, sorry.

The idea of being a young widow, your identity, feeling silenced, and societal assumptions. We can break that down in any particular way. How have you navigated that for yourself?

The Shame & Reality Of “Widow’s Fire”

Initially, I felt very much under the microscope. I felt like everything I did was under scrutiny. I felt that I had to present a mask to the world, that I had everything under control. Whilst I was drinking very heavily, I want to say I was grieving, but my grief was stunted because I was shutting it down. On the surface. I looked like I had my act together, and the kids were getting to school on time, but underneath it, I was scared of anybody seeing beneath it. There’s a lot of shame in widowhood and a lot of shame around things like sexual desire. We talked about wanting to talk to people who understand. This phenomenon, widow’s fire, nobody told me to expect that.

Let’s pause. Let’s not even scoot over that. We have, “I’m a young widow. I’m still sexually desiring. I still want to be touched. Now, I hear people saying, ‘Your husband died. How could you be thinking about something like that?’” You come across this term widow’s fire. It’s the holidays. There are a couple of people in town. It’s like, “What is widow’s fire? I need to know because I’ve been feeling like this, but I’ve been shamed.” Let’s spend some time. What is widow’s fire, and why is it important for widows and widowers to know?

It is a colloquialism for a point in your widowhood that is almost universal. It doesn’t happen at the same time for everybody, but in the 200-odd people I’ve spoken to, almost everybody has experienced it. It is like being a teenager in terms of your libido going through the roof. It’s all you can think about. You might be thinking about your late partner. You might be thinking about Joe next door. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

For a lot of people, this is something that can be dealt with in a safe, healthy way. You can order yourself some little toys. For a lot of people, it can lead to quite risk-taking behaviors because you are quite vulnerable. Dating apps and hookup apps can be a cesspit. That’s probably a good way to describe them. That adds to the shame and the confusion.

I can remember talking to a friend of mine when I had a friend with benefits. That’s a nice way of putting it, isn’t it? I spoke to a female friend about it, and it was the look on her face. I felt so ashamed and so dirty. I then felt, “I can’t talk about this to anybody.” When I met my widowed friends, and they said, “You mean widow’s fire?” I was like, “Yes. That’s it.” I thought, “I’m not a freak. I’m not disrespecting Ben. This is a normal reaction.” Don’t you want to feel something that is not horrible when you’re grieving?

Think about it. You’ve been with your spouse, your partner. Sex has been part of that, and now, it’s cut off. It’s gone.

It’s another loss, right?

The body has not reconciled all of that and is still looking to go, “How do I deal with this? How do I operate with the reality of this being removed from my life? You still love your spouse, but you are still alive. You’re trying to reconcile that. Also, the endorphins that come from having intercourse, sex, or being touched.

Flirtation.

Do I need that emotional high? How do I find that in other places? You also mentioned that if I’m serially having sex with one person after another because I’m trying to find this high, or if I’m drinking, or if I’m doing something to cope and mask this grief, I’m putting off the inevitable of needing to deal with this loss. Those things do happen.

Having a space to talk about it and not feel ashamed, because grief is complicated. A lot of people may have thought their grief was missing their spouse. They didn’t understand the grief fog, the tiredness, and all these other different parts of it. That widow’s fire is part of the complexity of grief, no more, no less. We shouldn’t be shamed about it.

I agree. Until you become a member of this club, these are not terminologies that you would’ve ever heard before.

Children’s Grief Responses & Support

At all. Let’s talk about the children. How many children do you have? What were the ages when their dad passed? How have you managed or allowed them to deal with their grief? How many children?

I have three children. They’re amazing children, actually. I know every mother says that, but mine are.

They’re award-winning mothers, so why would they not be amazing children?

One of the things I feel very strongly about with my children is that this terrible thing has happened to them, and it doesn’t necessarily define who they become. Something I would try and reiterate to anybody who is supporting grieving children is that you think at the time it happens, their life is over. That’s it. They’re going to have terrible mental health struggles. You catastrophize.

I can’t speak for all grieving children, but I can speak for mine. There have been difficulties. There have been tough times, but they are all academically thriving. They’re emotionally thriving. They’re good humans. Monty is fifteen. He was seven. Hector is thirteen. He was five. My daughter, Tabitha, is eight. She was six months old.

That’s quite the spread.

We weren’t going to have a third. That’s why there’s a big gap.

Do you recall or provide any guidance on how you manage each of those children in their grief journey?

It was all very different. My oldest is very emotionally intelligent. He always has been. He’s a big reader. Somebody said to him, “You are the man of the house now.” That’s something I would caution against. He locked down his feelings a lot. He wanted to protect me. With him, it has taken lots of gentle support. Bizarrely, the lockdown may have helped because we were together. It took all the pressure of school away.

Hector is autistic, so his response was very different. I now know a lot more about how neurodivergent children will process grief. He mimicked his brother initially. He looked to see what he was doing. There’s great support over here. It’s called Holding on Letting Go. It’s a children’s bereavement charity. The children go for two days over a weekend, and the mom, dad, or whoever it may be goes with some adults to a session. They do a lot of crafts. It’s about holding onto the memories and letting go of the pain. That was helpful for Monty. Do you know why? It’s because there were other kids who had lost a parent. He didn’t know anyone else. We talk about our tribe. It’s important for them, too.

For Hector, it’s been slightly different. He demonstrated some behavioral problems at school. He’s now in a specialist provision to support children with social, emotional, and mental health problems. He is thriving. He’s kind, empathetic, loving, and nurturing. He’s the loveliest young man you could ever wish to have, so he’s going to be all right. I know that there’s been a delay for him with his grief. For my daughter, at eight, we’re now seeing it. There’s a unique loss when you’re missing something you didn’t know. She has therapy. I’m a big believer in therapy. One of my children does it while he online games. That’s accessible for him. For my daughter, she does play therapy.

Thank you for sharing that. For the mother or the father who is struggling during the holidays and seeing the differences between their children grieving from their grieving, any recommendations or suggestions?

As you were talking then, I was thinking about that first Christmas. I’d spent money that we didn’t have, and we’d flown out on this lovely, all-inclusive holiday. On Christmas morning, I can remember it feeling flat. I was almost a little bit irritated. I was like, “I’ve done all this work. I’ve made all this effort. Why aren’t you happy, children?” It’s those expectations that we inadvertently put on our kids to behave in a new normal way. They’re not going to respond in a normal way, particularly that first Christmas.

Be aware that they may appear ungrateful. They may retreat to their rooms. They may not want to do things like school performances, because guess what? All the dads or the moms are going to be in the front row watching their kids. It’s having to think about how they may feel in the moment and granting that compassion. I call it equity, giving them a little bit more space.

To expect the children to sit around the table with their party hats on and behave like nothing has happened is an unrealistic expectation, but I would caveat that by saying some children will behave like nothing has happened. That is also a normal grief response. It’s very difficult to comprehend. After I told my children that their dad had died, about half an hour later, they were in Harry Potter clothes, playing with their wands. I thought, “My children are psychopaths. What’s wrong with them?” I also know, as a result of finding my tribe, that that is normal.

Their resilience is something that needs to be appreciated and monitored.

It can look like resilience, can’t it, as well? You can think, “They’re playing Harry Potter. They’re fine.” It’s not. We might use sex, alcohol, our phones, or whatever we might use. They’re using play or computer games in order to shut off their emotions for a little bit.

Thank you. Before we wrap this up, Miss Award Winner, let’s talk about what that award looks like, what you’re doing, and where people can find you, and some of the initiatives that you are doing.

I won gold at the British Podcast Awards, which is the biggest awards for podcasting in the UK at the moment. It was the Best Interview Category. I was pretty surprised because I was up against some behemoths of British broadcasting. I feel quite emotional because everybody else walked up on stage with an entourage. There were producers, editors, and PR people. It was just me. My mom and dad were there. My best friend was in the audience.

This was an award not just for me, because it would be quite a boring podcast if it were just me. It was an award for everybody who has come onto the show and put their soul with me. There was excitement. You get whisked backstage, and they interview you. I don’t know what I said. I can’t watch it back. You then think, “I’ve done it. What now?”

The next stage for me is going to be more podcasting, I hope, and trying to build a bit more awareness around the experience of widowhood without it being that veil and the black. People do need to understand that there is a chance you’ll experience a loss, if not on this magnitude, it’s certainly close, and to know that there is life after it. It’s that hope that we lose very early on.

I would agree with that. Once again, congratulations.

Thank you so much.

I believe widows and widowers should be celebrated. We took a vow. We stood behind those words. We accomplished something that a lot of people, frankly, don’t have the opportunity to accomplish. There’s something to be learned about relationships and parenting from someone who has endured, committed those vows, and said, “Until death do us part.” Not only are you a podcasting award winner, but let’s talk about retreats and other things that you are doing, and how people can connect with you.

The Power Of Widow Retreats &Collaboration

I hosted my first retreat in October 2025. You’d think the award would’ve been the pinnacle, but having ten widowed women, because it was just for women, this one, in my home, and this soul bearing, but also the laughter. It had hen party vibes at some points. We were quite naughty, rude, and giggly. I had therapy, and I said to my therapist, “I feel a lot better because all the stress and the planning are done.” She said to me, “I think you feel better because you’ve got something from the retreat as well,” and I realized how little time I spent in the physical company of widows. I talk to a lot through Zoom calls and things, but physical company.

Something beautiful happened in those two days. We cried. Nobody wanted to go home. I will be doing more of those. You can register your interest on my website, which is WidowedAF.com. I also have a book out in the new year called Widowed As F**k. It is part memoir, but primarily, it is a collection of stories from widows.

We go through the traditional five stages of grief, and then we talk about things like widow’s fire and the experience of losing somebody to drugs, alcohol, and suicide. I even have a guest who talks about assisted suicide, which is still illegal in the UK. It’s a very powerful book. It’s a collaborative effort. It’s designed to be a guide for anybody who is widowed or is supporting anybody who’s widowed, because there’s a lot that we can learn from the widow community about how best to do it.

I agree. I am so grateful for your giving us time for this conversation. I often flip this around and give people an opportunity. This may be easy for you. Any questions that you may have for me?

I want to know more about your Secret Santa appeal that you are doing. I saw a little bit come up. We talk about not having the Christmas you expect. I’m fascinated to know more about how you came up with your idea.

Thank you for that. This show is connected to our overarching nonprofit, which is set up to support the bereaved. I’m from Chicago, so the word hood means family to me. When my husband died, my children’s dad died, and somebody’s uncle died, so it was not just me. Two widows came to me and said, “What can we do for children whose parents are deceased?” What they didn’t know was that it was a desire deep in my heart at one point to be able to support children who have lost a parent. I just didn’t have the bandwidth or the capacity. When they came to me with this idea, I was like, “This is manifesting right here.”

Those two widows provided an overview of the program. We submitted it to our board, and they approved. 2024 was our first time. We had seven families. What they did was they worked with the parents and guardians and helped them develop an anonymous Amazon wishlist. That wishlist is on our website. This 2025, we have 11 families and 29 children.

If you go to Widowhood-RealTalkWithTina.org and then select Events, right there, it says Children of Widowhood Secret Santa. All eleven families are listed. Their Amazon wishlist is there. You select the gift, and it goes right to the child. It gets delivered to them. Being anonymous is important. We may want to help, but we need to protect these children and their families. The volunteers have vetted to make sure that they, unfortunately, are qualified for the program because there were some people who applied who were not in the situation. We had to tell them, “I know economic times are hard, but we needed to protect what we were doing.”

You have to stay in your lane sometimes.

This would allow us to provide 145 Christmas gifts. To be reasonable, the gifts are between $1 and $75. We didn’t want it to be a lot. Maybe you have a book club, a women’s circle, a group at your church, or whatever your club is, and you say, “I want to get online and take care of this entire family.” How amazing?

You may not like shopping, so maybe you want to donate directly and say, “This is for the Children Widowhood Program.” We will take those donations and buy the gifts. Widowhood Real Talk with Tina is a registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit. Depending on how you do your taxes, it may be more important for you to have a donation letter, and then we will take that money and buy the gifts.

To be able to step in and help somebody, because we talked about how difficult economically grief is. These two widows’ names are Lisa and Tiffany. They have been doing an amazing job to support these families. I’m glad that they were willing to bring this idea under our umbrella. Thank you for asking that question.

I genuinely think it’s an incredible thing to do. We have a giving treat at a big shopping center near me, and it’s for deprived children in the area. You go and anonymously donate something. We do it every year. That is one of our Christmas traditions. It is teaching your children as well. If you are not bereaved or you are in a better financial place, and perhaps other people, teach your children. Make them process, “What do you think this little girl or boy would like?” It shows them that Christmas isn’t all about what you get. A little bit of it is what you give.

Thank you for this conversation. I would like for you to close out this episode with whatever ending thoughts, words of inspiration, or maybe something that we didn’t cover as it relates to supporting people who are bereaved during the holidays.

Thank you for having me on. My passing wisdom, if we can use that word, is aimed at people supporting widows a little bit as well. It would be to please don’t overpromise. Please don’t say to somebody who’s widowed, ‘You have a place at my dinner table. You may come to us at Christmas,’ and then leave it. You must follow through on your promises.

I had a friend who, early on, said to me, “Rosie, I’m going to buy a big dining table. You and the kids will never have to have Sunday lunch on your own.” We have a roast in the UK on a Sunday. We love it. I was like, “That’s so amazing.” Guess how many times I’ve been invited for Sunday lunch? None. Big fat none. It was a couple of years ago, and it still hurts. It’s still raw. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bring it up. Think about whether you can deliver what you are offering.

Maybe that applies to widows, too. When you are particularly around children at Christmas, be honest with them. The children will understand if they’re of an age where they can. You could be like, “It might be a bit different this year.” Without any warning that it’s different, that will be a big shock, but if you explain to them why. I always say to my children, “Christmas will have fewer presents. Maybe an experience for your birthday is when you get more presents,” because I can spread that across the year.

I agree. The words of wisdom, the AF version of it, thank you for bringing it here to this conversation. I look forward to working with you and seeing more of the award-winning opportunities that are before you and what you’re doing for this community. Thank you.

Thank you.

Important Links

• Widowed AF
• @Widowed_AF on Instagram
• Widowed As F**k
• Children of Widowhood Secret Santa

About Rosie Moss

Rosie Moss is the host of Widowed AF, an award-winning podcast that shares open and honest conversations about life after loss. In 2025 it won Gold at the British Podcast Awards for Best Interview. Rosie became widowed in 2018 when her husband Ben died in a diving accident, and her storytelling has since built a strong community for people navigating grief. She also hosts Autism Unpacked, runs Soul Sisters retreats for widows, speaks at events, and is completing her first book. Rosie lives in Kent, England with her three children.